Moved to MI from FL, living w/ in-laws..help

[ginabear05]

Hello. Earlier this year, I moved from Florida to Michigan to live with my long-time long distance boyfriend and his family. I (stupidly) ran off about 3 days after my high school graduation. I am almost 19 and he is 21 1/2. I had only visited his family up there twice before moving there. He told me that it would be better that I move there so we would have a better chance to save money than we would living with my parents. Well, here it is, about 7 months later, and we have not saved a dime. We have about $300 to our name and that's only because his parents gave him $200 for Christmas. I had expected to save at least $1000 by now! If it wasn't for his parents supporting us, we would be living in a cardboard box. I am a very independent person, I was raised to pay my own way and I feel like just another kid living with his parents. I do not feel like an independent grown woman. I feel like a baby and I hate it. His parents like me, I know, but still, I think they will eventually resent me living there and having to support me. I don't think it is fair to them and they still have another 16-year-old son living there to support. I am not their child and not their responsibility. Between me and my boyfriend right now, we couldn't live on our own, we couldn't afford it. He has been going to community college for his personal trainer certification, which he should be getting this Spring. He works at his family's golf course from April-September and then he doesn't work between October-March and our checking account shows it. He is used to having the winter off to go to school, but now I am here and he has to take care of me. I have my own E-Bay business and it is hard to make a ton of money on E-Bay by yourself. He promised me he would start helping me as soon as I start putting things on again after the New Year. I feel like I am stuck.

Also, I have no family up in Michigan. All of my family resides mostly in Alabama and Florida and I miss them terribly. Michigan is not my home, Florida is. I would never be happy living in Michigan for a long stretch of time. I want to move back but we cannot. My boyfriend says that we'll be moving down there in a couple of years because he wants to go to FSU. I for one don't want to wait that long. Advice please.

[Lil Honey]

Welcome to Michigan! (Even if you aren't that excited about it.)

 

Unfortunately, the economy in Michigan is in the tank, so it IS hard to find a job . . . but of course, one has to be actively looking for one. I can truely understand the "shock" of moving such a distance from family - especially where the weather is so extremely different than what you are used to.

 

I won't tell you "where you went wrong," because I think you already know that and it would really serve no purpose. You are only 18 . . . you are mighty young to be in this fix . . . but you have my admiration for being independent and not wanting to free-load off his parents.

 

It's apparent that the rose-colored glasses have come off and you are seeing him for what he really is. If I were you, I'd get ready to put as much of your product on E-bay as possible. The new year is only a couple days away, so you have that on your side. At the time you put all your product on E-bay, you will get a taste of just how much he will help you - and how good his word is.

 

I would wonder about the amount of work and income he is going to get being a personal trainer. It's wonderful if one can go to school for what they enjoy and have fun learning it, but it's another thing to learn a skill to put food on the table.

 

I think you should get your items on E-bay, maybe get a job to supplement it, make as much as you can to get a place of your own and then move back to your family if that's what you want.

[ginabear05]

Thanks for your reply. My parents warned me before I left that it wouldn't be all peaches n' cream like I thought it would be. My dad told me that I was not leaving to be an adult.. I was leaving to go become another family's child and he was right. When you're young, though, it's hard to see things clear until it's too late.

 

Well, he says it will be slow at first and not to expect to bring in a TON of money until he builds a solid clientele. He is going to still be working at the golf course as well as starting on the personal training. I am going to be starting my first semester at college (same one he goes to) doing the same thing he is (fitness is a shared interest of ours). So I am afraid it will be a while before we will be able to have enough money to be on our own. My family is like oh, you can just come back home and forget about him! Problem is, I DO love him, I don't want to break up with him, and it's not so easy just to "leave," I have pets there, we have shared bank accounts, I have charged things on his (our) credit card, mostly my college expenses.

 

Honestly, I think he just wants to be able to have me with him and live the easy way - off his parents. I know he does love and care for me, but I do not think I will be happy doing this for another year. I am willing to stick it out and see how things are going..I just wish I would not have agreed to move off with him so soon. Now I just feel kind of.. stuck. His family also kind of controls what we do. His mother won't drive and she often relies on him to pick his little brother up from school and such. I don't know what to do. I guess I should just stick it out and see how it goes.

[Lil Honey]

If it makes you feel any better . . . I have a 22 year old daughter who hasn't always listened to her mom either. I guess some folks have to learn from the School of Hard Knocks. *sigh*

 

I didn't say that you should leave him. I'm sure you could take him with you back home, because he seems to like being taken care of. Let me just tell you that my daughter is a hard-worker, independent, has a good work ethic, etc. She had a boyfriend for five years. He found it difficult to hold down gas station jobs for more than six months at a time. She finally got tired of taking care of him. (Of course, I told her that some day she would want a man instead of a little boy . . . ) Unfortunately, she had co-signed on a vehicle loan for him (because she had good credit and he didn't have any). BTW, her credit is now in the toilet, because she ended up trying to support both of them.

 

Please, please keep your finances separate. If a man can't take care of himself, how is he going to take care of a family? What if a baby came along? (Accidents do happen.)

 

I can almost guarantee that you will get tired of taking care of him and being the driving force behind any of his motivation. That will build into resentment. I can only hope that he is at least looking for work. He certainly wouldn't be the only person going to school and working, too.

 

IMHO, I think it's very difficult for two people of such different values to make it work. For example, you are having trouble living with his family and you value your independence. He doesn't seem to mind living with family and independence isn't important.

 

Also, keep this in mind: I went from living with my parents to getting married and living with my husband. I didn't have any time to myself in my own place. I missed out on being independent and feeling that I could make it on my own. For some reason, my 28th birthday was the birthday that I started looking over what I had done with my life and I felt that I had missed a huge part of growing up (or should I say "finding out who I am").

 

You are 18. If you get involved with someone, at least do yourself the favor of being able to get out of the situation with your finances (however small they may be) intact.

[Walk]

You are 18. If you get involved with someone, at least do yourself the favor of being able to get out of the situation with your finances (however small they may be) intact.

 

Good advice. I was a lot older and still made that mistake. I couldn't leave the relationship even though I had a pretty good job because we had so many bills in both our names. I could never save up any money. We never had the money available for me to get more schooling. I realized one day that I was trapped because I could never scrape together enough money to leave.

 

My advice on your situation. Help out around the house, and with his family as much as humanly possible. The more you do, the less resentful they'll feel toward you. It would also help "pay" for your living there, so that you don't feel like such a mooch. Don't underestimate the value of hard work, and menial labor. Not everything in the world has to be paid for in cash. I know I'm grateful when a long term "guest" contributes more then their share toward chores.

 

Show your appreciation for their generosity, do your best in school, and work to make your life better. Not just short term better, but think long term. What do you need in life to make it through the next ten years, twenty? What are your goals in life? Don't feel guilty for "living off of" these in-laws. The only way you'll be wasting it is if you aren't attempting to improve yourself. If you're only goal is to make it day to day, then get out. But most people don't mind helping someone, as long as theres an honest attempt to better themselves. If you don't want to be a mooch and a loser, do everything in your power to attain those goals you've set, and do as much as possible to help out around the house. If all you do is feel guilty for sitting around the house not doing enough, then you are wasting your in-laws time and money.

 

When I was young I took for granted the help of people, and instead of being grateful, I spent all day trying to find a way not to feel indepted. People help because they want to see you succeed. Just as your parents do. So put every ounce of energy you have into accomplishing your goals. And look for ways that you can help around the house, and with errands. That simple aspect is the difference between child, and adult. The will and desire to return the kindness shown. A child takes for granted. An adult (in a better world) will not.