Are we dating or not?? Help!!

[Shorty]

This is somewhat long so please be patient.

 

I started dating this guy about 3.5 weeks ago. I am traditional in my belief that a man should call a woman and do the initial pursuing which is also his belief. Well from the very first day we started talking his phone calls have been sporadic and often an hour before he wants to go out. He will say he will call later that day and never does. Sometimes I call him and he doesn't return my call that day and when he calls the next day, doesn't acknowledge that I even called at all.

 

The first weekend we went out Friday and Saturday night and had a great time. The following weekend we went out Friday and Sunday night. The 2 weeks following we have gone out once more. He calls about every other day but does not make any real attempts to see me. He has gone out with male friends on a couple of Sat. nights which I find odd for a man to do in the beginning of a relationship. If a man is really interested in a woman, would he choose to go out with "the boys" that early in the game on two consecutive Saturday nights for no special reason?

 

He's not a very good communicator and is very lax and laid back. He is also, self-described, not very "good" or experienced with relationships. At this point, I'm thoroughly confused. I've attempted to discuss what his intentions are (in a light-hearted way of course, at this early a stage) and we've both assessed we are interested in a long-term type relationship(we are both in our very late 20's). We seemed to have great chemistry and fun on our initial several dates but things seem to be dying out. Yet, he continues to call and make remarks about wanting to see me and says somewhat affectionate things. Would he continue to call at all if he wasn't interested? Am I supposed to back off and allow him to move at his own pace or have I played it too cool and put him on the defensive?? How can I tell?? Don't want to scare him off yet don't want to live in limbo.

 

Although I'm confused, I really like this guy so any words of advice would be so appreciated!

[Tony T]

There are many possible reasons for his behavior. He may still be getting over a previous relationship and have confused feelings, he may be having money problems, he may be playing several ladies (including you) at the same time, he may be afraid of his feelings for you, etc. What those reasons are is pretty insignificant. You aren't getting what you want here quite yet.

 

You are a free agent. Instead of getting all wrapped up in something that isn't off the ground yet, see other people, enjoy your friends, do things for yourself...don't put your life on hold for this guy.

 

Just because he is unpredictable with his calls and requests for dates doesn't necessarily reflect a lack of interest. He is not obligated to ask you out at all and you aren't obligated to sit by your telephone.

 

Everybody is unique and it could be that this level of activity with you is normal for him. I think it's healthy for a person not to break off with friends just to date somebody, even though it's annoying to you. He is a free man. He may even be testing you because he was with someone controlling in the past. He may just be wanting to take things slowly. Relationships that start off with a bang can fizzle out fast. He may be quite wise.

 

Moreover, it's irrational to expect anything from anybody. To expect him to ask you out with any particular frequency is wrong. Accept the level of his interest and move along with your life. Yes, it would be nice if he asked you out every Friday or Saturday night but not long ago you didn't even know this guy. How could you let some stranger suddenly enter your life and turn it upside down because he doesn't ask you out?

 

Poop on him!!!

[lb]

I am in the same position as you. I met this guy almost a year ago. I use to see him every other weekend (cause he worked)he called me all the time, now things have slowed down he doesnt seem to want to see me, but we still talk all the time. Im afraid to confront him, cause I like him alot and dont want to loose whatever we have. But on the other hand I think how can I live like this, Im only hurting myself.Guys are just so hard to figure out.

 

If you get any answers, please let me know.

This is somewhat long so please be patient.

 

I started dating this guy about 3.5 weeks ago. I am traditional in my belief that a man should call a woman and do the initial pursuing which is also his belief. Well from the very first day we started talking his phone calls have been sporadic and often an hour before he wants to go out. He will say he will call later that day and never does. Sometimes I call him and he doesn't return my call that day and when he calls the next day, doesn't acknowledge that I even called at all. The first weekend we went out Friday and Saturday night and had a great time. The following weekend we went out Friday and Sunday night. The 2 weeks following we have gone out once more. He calls about every other day but does not make any real attempts to see me. He has gone out with male friends on a couple of Sat. nights which I find odd for a man to do in the beginning of a relationship. If a man is really interested in a woman, would he choose to go out with "the boys" that early in the game on two consecutive Saturday nights for no special reason? He's not a very good communicator and is very lax and laid back. He is also, self-described, not very "good" or experienced with relationships. At this point, I'm thoroughly confused. I've attempted to discuss what his intentions are (in a light-hearted way of course, at this early a stage) and we've both assessed we are interested in a long-term type relationship(we are both in our very late 20's). We seemed to have great chemistry and fun on our initial several dates but things seem to be dying out. Yet, he continues to call and make remarks about wanting to see me and says somewhat affectionate things. Would he continue to call at all if he wasn't interested? Am I supposed to back off and allow him to move at his own pace or have I played it too cool and put him on the defensive?? How can I tell?? Don't want to scare him off yet don't want to live in limbo. Although I'm confused, I really like this guy so any words of advice would be so appreciated!

 

[trafficguy2000]

trust me its best to see whats really going on than stay in limbo! read my tale up above and you'll see that its not just guys who send mixed signals! I thought i met the real deal as well!

I am in the same position as you. I met this guy almost a year ago. I use to see him every other weekend (cause he worked)he called me all the time, now things have slowed down he doesnt seem to want to see me, but we still talk all the time. Im afraid to confront him, cause I like him alot and dont want to loose whatever we have. But on the other hand I think how can I live like this, Im only hurting myself.Guys are just so hard to figure out. If you get any answers, please let me know.

 

[Shorty]

Thank you for reading the lengthy story and giving your advice. It really made me feel better. I really want to say, though, that I do go out with friends and make other plans so that I am not waiting by the phone.

 

It's not really a matter of feeling that he is "obligated" to call me or that I expect him to. It's the fact that I feel if he were truly interested he would be progressing things more quickly and want to spend more time with me. Tony, do you not agree that if a man likes a woman, he will not choose to spend time with male friends over her, particularly when it's new?? He also does strange things like, we'll be in the middle of a conversation, he'll run into a store for a minute or say he's just gotten home and will call me back from a land line and won't call back until the next day. He does this sort of thing all the time...he is dense I have found, but is that simply dense behavior or game-playing?? I am almost positive he's not dating another woman - I've had that happen to me too and know the signs.

 

I just am finding myself somewhat attached already after only about a month and I'm terrified of getting hurt again.

There are many possible reasons for his behavior. He may still be getting over a previous relationship and have confused feelings, he may be having money problems, he may be playing several ladies (including you) at the same time, he may be afraid of his feelings for you, etc. What those reasons are is pretty insignificant. You aren't getting what you want here quite yet. You are a free agent. Instead of getting all wrapped up in something that isn't off the ground yet, see other people, enjoy your friends, do things for yourself...don't put your life on hold for this guy. Just because he is unpredictable with his calls and requests for dates doesn't necessarily reflect a lack of interest. He is not obligated to ask you out at all and you aren't obligated to sit by your telephone. Everybody is unique and it could be that this level of activity with you is normal for him. I think it's healthy for a person not to break off with friends just to date somebody, even though it's annoying to you. He is a free man. He may even be testing you because he was with someone controlling in the past. He may just be wanting to take things slowly. Relationships that start off with a bang can fizzle out fast. He may be quite wise. Moreover, it's irrational to expect anything from anybody. To expect him to ask you out with any particular frequency is wrong. Accept the level of his interest and move along with your life. Yes, it would be nice if he asked you out every Friday or Saturday night but not long ago you didn't even know this guy. How could you let some stranger suddenly enter your life and turn it upside down because he doesn't ask you out?

 

Poop on him!!!

[Shorty]

LB,

 

You know, it's much easier to give advice when you are not IN the situation yourself. I am in much the same scenario and will proceed to share something with you that I myself, am not following despite what I know to be true!!

 

Do you give him the impression that you lead a busy life full of friends and interests or does he find you very available any time he wants to talk or see you?? If you occupy yourself with other things and try to be out when you expect his calls, he will know that he is NOT the center of your universe. You will likely become much more desirable simply due to human nature: you always want what you perceive you can't have. All humans like a challenge no matter the context. This is especially true in love, moreso if the relationship is not fully established and strong.

 

Be careful: don't make things up to make him jealous...this is very transparent and Murphy's Law is you'll get busted. Sincerely occupy yourself with other friends and hobbies...result? You will genuinely FEEL better about yourself, thereby increasing confidence and esteem which whether you know it or not, is apparent to the opposite sex. You will be more "interesting" and appealing. And you know what? If you move in this fashion and he still doesn't respond the way you want, you will be so much the "newly revised" you - happy and busy - you may not even care anymore!! You may stumble across a true Prince Charming and the old guy will look like chopped liver in comparison!!

 

Hope this helps and best of luck!!

I am in the same position as you. I met this guy almost a year ago. I use to see him every other weekend (cause he worked)he called me all the time, now things have slowed down he doesnt seem to want to see me, but we still talk all the time. Im afraid to confront him, cause I like him alot and dont want to loose whatever we have. But on the other hand I think how can I live like this, Im only hurting myself.Guys are just so hard to figure out. If you get any answers, please let me know.

 

[lb]

Shorty,

 

You asked if Im there when he calls, its funny you mentioned that because until last month, Ive been doing all of the calling and he usually calls back. This past month has been weird cause hes actually been calling, ever since his friend has been calling me to hang out. Anyway this past Sunday he called and I wasent home, he left a message on my machine, saying what do you mean your not home, your always home. I am the type of person who treats other the way I want to be treated, so I would never try and make him jealous, by the sound of his voice I know he gets a little jealous when Im hanging out with his friends, its not on purpose he tells his friends where Im going to be, and they show up while he works.

 

People say to leave him go, and move on, but they just dont understand or they dont want to see me get hurt. I understand them to a point but they dont know him like I do. He would never do anything to hurt me, but in my case when I met him, him and his fiance just broke up like 6 months before I met him they lived together and went out for 7 years. So I know he doesnt want a relationship either with me of with anyone, he enjoys hanging out with his friends, which is fine with me, But I havent seen him in 5 months. Go figure. I am so sorry for being rude, and talking about myself, but I finally met someone who feels and is going threw what Im going threw.

LB, You know, it's much easier to give advice when you are not IN the situation yourself. I am in much the same scenario and will proceed to share something with you that I myself, am not following despite what I know to be true!!

 

Do you give him the impression that you lead a busy life full of friends and interests or does he find you very available any time he wants to talk or see you?? If you occupy yourself with other things and try to be out when you expect his calls, he will know that he is NOT the center of your universe. You will likely become much more desirable simply due to human nature: you always want what you perceive you can't have. All humans like a challenge no matter the context. This is especially true in love, moreso if the relationship is not fully established and strong.

 

Be careful: don't make things up to make him jealous...this is very transparent and Murphy's Law is you'll get busted. Sincerely occupy yourself with other friends and hobbies...result? You will genuinely FEEL better about yourself, thereby increasing confidence and esteem which whether you know it or not, is apparent to the opposite sex. You will be more "interesting" and appealing. And you know what? If you move in this fashion and he still doesn't respond the way you want, you will be so much the "newly revised" you - happy and busy - you may not even care anymore!! You may stumble across a true Prince Charming and the old guy will look like chopped liver in comparison!! Hope this helps and best of luck!!

[Julia]

Hey

 

I know your dilemma here......but this is what i usually do, you can use some of this, or you dont have too.....

 

1. Dont accept a date on the same day they ask me.....I dont believe in getting them to call me 5 days before or anything like that, but I like them to ask me 24 hrs before they want to go out.

 

2. Let them ring you! If they are interested, they will make an effort to call you! This guy I've just started seeing, has called me a couple times in the last two days and has emailed me twice a day for at least a week or too....ive only seen him that long.

 

3. don't expect to get a saturday night date with him, until you been out together for a while..I would never expect a saturday night...if they offer it to me, if I'm not doing work or seeing friends, i will do it....

 

4. Just enjoy yourself and wait for him to phone you and ask you out! If he is interested, he will do so!

[Shorty]

LB,

 

You're not being rude talking about yourself. This is helpful hearing others go through similar things.

 

I'm curious about something: do you mind telling me your age and your guy's age or at least age range?? I too was in a 7 year relationship (coincidentally enough) that ended and was still open to dating the right person several months later. Different people proceed in romance in different ways. I don't mean that in a hurtful way towards you, but you have to keep that in your mind in the case he doesn't come around. Do you want to be second on his priority list to his friends? I don't know you but I'm pretty sure you deserve much better than that.

 

Now, I've had feelings for someone who didn't reciprocate and had friends and family tell me to "get over it". I do not believe you CAN just "get over it". I empathize with you. I'm there too. I know you can't just turn feelings off and you probably don't want to forget this guy right now. So, if all you can see right now is what your heart wants and not logic, and you just want to be with him....listen up...if you continue to go out with friends and proceed with your life and are not home more often so that he gets your machine...he will have a much better liklihood of coming around. Men that behave this way are typically men (or really women too for that matter) that want what they can't or don't have period.

 

You've already seen evidence of this when he has left you the voice mail that says "you're always home...where are you?" All of a sudden you have a life outside of him..all of a suddent he's not the center of your universe...all of a sudden, you are more interesting to him:-) Trust me.

 

Think of it this way...when do you usually think about food the most?? When you are DIETING and you can't have it!! Same thing with people!! Put him on a YOU diet:-)

 

Know what? If he does not come around...you will still have your dignity because you went on and lived and didn't sit around in your house by yourself pining after him.

 

You deserve better!!

Shorty, You asked if Im there when he calls, its funny you mentioned that because until last month, Ive been doing all of the calling and he usually calls back. This past month has been weird cause hes actually been calling, ever since his friend has been calling me to hang out. Anyway this past Sunday he called and I wasent home, he left a message on my machine, saying what do you mean your not home, your always home. I am the type of person who treats other the way I want to be treated, so I would never try and make him jealous, by the sound of his voice I know he gets a little jealous when Im hanging out with his friends, its not on purpose he tells his friends where Im going to be, and they show up while he works.

 

People say to leave him go, and move on, but they just dont understand or they dont want to see me get hurt. I understand them to a point but they dont know him like I do. He would never do anything to hurt me, but in my case when I met him, him and his fiance just broke up like 6 months before I met him they lived together and went out for 7 years. So I know he doesnt want a relationship either with me of with anyone, he enjoys hanging out with his friends, which is fine with me, But I havent seen him in 5 months. Go figure. I am so sorry for being rude, and talking about myself, but I finally met someone who feels and is going threw what Im going threw.

[lb]

Shorty,

 

I am 29 and he is 27. For the record even though he is different than any other guy Ive met, and that I think about him all the time, I dont sit around waiting for him, I have been with other guys (NOT SEXUALLY). Which he dont know about, which Im sure in a way he does, and Im sure he is with other girls. Im fine, as long as I dont know about it. HAHA. You have really good advice, I thank you so much talking to you has helped alot.

 

I just feel that there is something there, and I cannot bring myself to never talking to him again. Its not like we are in a relationship, and its not like he cheated on me. Does that make any sense?????? There is just something about him that I cant let go.

LB, You're not being rude talking about yourself. This is helpful hearing others go through similar things. I'm curious about something: do you mind telling me your age and your guy's age or at least age range?? I too was in a 7 year relationship (coincidentally enough) that ended and was still open to dating the right person several months later. Different people proceed in romance in different ways. I don't mean that in a hurtful way towards you, but you have to keep that in your mind in the case he doesn't come around. Do you want to be second on his priority list to his friends? I don't know you but I'm pretty sure you deserve much better than that. Now, I've had feelings for someone who didn't reciprocate and had friends and family tell me to "get over it". I do not believe you CAN just "get over it". I empathize with you. I'm there too. I know you can't just turn feelings off and you probably don't want to forget this guy right now. So, if all you can see right now is what your heart wants and not logic, and you just want to be with him....listen up...if you continue to go out with friends and proceed with your life and are not home more often so that he gets your machine...he will have a much better liklihood of coming around. Men that behave this way are typically men (or really women too for that matter) that want what they can't or don't have period. You've already seen evidence of this when he has left you the voice mail that says "you're always home...where are you?" All of a sudden you have a life outside of him..all of a suddent he's not the center of your universe...all of a sudden, you are more interesting to him:-) Trust me. Think of it this way...when do you usually think about food the most?? When you are DIETING and you can't have it!! Same thing with people!! Put him on a YOU diet:-) Know what? If he does not come around...you will still have your dignity because you went on and lived and didn't sit around in your house by yourself pining after him. You deserve better!!