flow28 Posted March 24 Share Posted March 24 I've been seeing this guy from an app for over a month now (seven dates for now) and so far things have been heading towards the right direction. We have mutual interests and passions, and some future plans related to them. I really like him and I've never clicked with anyone as much before. He mentioned he was looking for a long-term relationship. I'd already told him I'm not interested in short term flings and we continue to go on dates. I also visited him once but there was no sex since I told him what my view on that is. I prefer to wait to have sex until I'm ready. However, on our date yesterday I got caught off guard. We started talking about sex-related stuff as he brought up that topic. First he asked me about my sexual preferences so then I was curious and asked about his. He mentioned that he would be open to having a threesome. I'm completely against it and I just cannot imagine it. I would be very jealous and I told him I'm opposed to this kind of 'fun'. I know that if he doesn't pressure me it should be okay but I still feel somewhat offended at the mere statement. It hurts me. It makes me question if he's really as into me as I think he is for an exclusive relationship.. If he was, he wouldn't suggest something like this knowing it could jeopardize our connection, would he? I know that he's allowed to fantasize about other women and I also have fantasies about other men but I would never mention bringing a second guy to the bedroom to a potential boyfriend as I'd be worried about his possibly bad reaction. My logic would be that I'm with him, I love him so I won't ever express a desire to spice things up because he's enough for me. Is this a sign of disrespect or a sign he's not taking me seriously? Is it a good reason to stop seeing him or am I being too harsh? After he's said that I've stopped looking at him the same way as before because in a relationship I want my guy to have eyes only for me and make me feel special. Fantasy is one thing but why would he bring that up out of nowhere? Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 24 Share Posted March 24 (edited) The first no no was continuing to meet and go out with him even though you want a long term relationship and he clearly wants something different and has different values regarding sex. The next was not ditching him after he proposed a 3-some after you were clear with your preferences. But, you didn't because you really like him. Don't waste your time with him, because as soon as he realizes you're serious about not having sex until YOU'RE ready, he's going to move on to the next woman or put the heat on you like he did. He's mentioning other women in bed. Of course just end it before you get more attached. If you were to express your discomfort with his suggestion and he truly cared about you and wanted a long-term relationship, he will respect your feelings and stop mentioning it. Edited March 24 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 24 Share Posted March 24 If he mentioned that he would be open to having a threesome and you're completely against it and cannot imagine it, you're wasting your time with this man. You've identified a major deal breaker so it's better to cut your losses and tell him you're not a match. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 24 Share Posted March 24 32 minutes ago, flow28 said: Fantasy is one thing but why would he bring that up out of nowhere? He brings it up because clearly that's what he wants, a three-some. He wants you as a sexual partner in his escapades and really wants a threesome. You're acting like he spoke some kind of foreign gibberish that you couldn't decipher. The guy mentions a threesome--he's interested in a threesome. It's as simple as that. Despite his earlier words that he was "interested" in a long-term relationship, he's not. Or he wants a long-term poly relationship or swinger relationship, and he wants the poly or swinger stuff to start right away. Clearly he's not a good partner fit for you. And take your mind off of this "respect" thing. You're giving him an out there that he hasn't earned. He can come back and say, "I do respect you. Reason 1 to 10." You gonna feel better then? No. Respect has nothing to do with this--he just wants a casual and/or a poly relationship. Someone else interested in poly or swinging would not feel disrespected at all. You are not interested in this, so say goodbye and move on. You don't want to negotiate on this or budge one bit. You will lose. It's disappointing to have your hopes dashed, but he at least brought this up early so you have the choice to avoid a major train wreck later. You got important information from him. It reveals he's not for you. Yes, bummer, and yet, he's not for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author flow28 Posted March 24 Author Share Posted March 24 21 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: The next was not ditching him after he proposed a 3-some after you were clear with your preferences. I only expressed I wasn't into a 3-some after he mentioned that. Still, the fact that he overtly expressed thoughts like this was a huge turn-off to me and a disappointment. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 24 Share Posted March 24 3 minutes ago, flow28 said: I only expressed I wasn't into a 3-some after he mentioned that. Still, the fact that he overtly expressed thoughts like this was a huge turn-off to me and a disappointment. No worries. You either like them (threesomes) or you don't. Hey, at least you know that you're not sexually compatible, right? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 24 Share Posted March 24 11 minutes ago, flow28 said: I only expressed I wasn't into a 3-some after he mentioned that. Still, the fact that he overtly expressed thoughts like this was a huge turn-off to me and a disappointment. Frankly he isn't the only man who has that fantasy. It's at the top of the list for a lot of men. It's fine that you're not into it. You need a man who only wants sex with you which makes you not compatible with him. You're right it's odd that he would admit that to someone he's trying to have a relationship with and given that you want to wait on sex, that comment could scare you away. Doesn't sound like a relationship with one person is what he's really looking for. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 24 Share Posted March 24 Deal breaker.... send him to the curb and lose his number. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 24 Share Posted March 24 It's okay to feel disappointed. He was sharing that he enjoys three-some activity. Like has been mentioned, it is a very common fantasy for people regardless of gender. As long as he's not using it as segue to open up the door for the potential with you. If you are not interested in that then you have the freedom to not want to be sexual with him. Or date him for that matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 He was warming you up to spring this on you hoping you would bite. Delete and block. You're not a match. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 He brought it up because it's something he wants. You don't want that. You were disappointed & turned off. If it's this bad already it won't get better. Next . . Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 3 hours ago, flow28 said: I've been seeing this guy from an app for over a month now (seven dates for now) and so far things have been heading towards the right direction. We have mutual interests and passions, and some future plans related to them. I really like him and I've never clicked with anyone as much before. He mentioned he was looking for a long-term relationship. I'd already told him I'm not interested in short term flings and we continue to go on dates. I also visited him once but there was no sex since I told him what my view on that is. I prefer to wait to have sex until I'm ready. However, on our date yesterday I got caught off guard. We started talking about sex-related stuff as he brought up that topic. First he asked me about my sexual preferences so then I was curious and asked about his. He mentioned that he would be open to having a threesome. I'm completely against it and I just cannot imagine it. I would be very jealous and I told him I'm opposed to this kind of 'fun'. I know that if he doesn't pressure me it should be okay but I still feel somewhat offended at the mere statement. It hurts me. It makes me question if he's really as into me as I think he is for an exclusive relationship.. If he was, he wouldn't suggest something like this knowing it could jeopardize our connection, would he? I know that he's allowed to fantasize about other women and I also have fantasies about other men but I would never mention bringing a second guy to the bedroom to a potential boyfriend as I'd be worried about his possibly bad reaction. My logic would be that I'm with him, I love him so I won't ever express a desire to spice things up because he's enough for me. Is this a sign of disrespect or a sign he's not taking me seriously? Is it a good reason to stop seeing him or am I being too harsh? After he's said that I've stopped looking at him the same way as before because in a relationship I want my guy to have eyes only for me and make me feel special. Fantasy is one thing but why would he bring that up out of nowhere? Did he actually suggest a threesome or did he just mention being generally open to threesomes when you asked him about his sexual preferences? Suggesting a threesome at this early stage of a relationship, without even having had sex with the partner, seems tasteless and weird to me. Unless he’s just pretending to be interested in a long-term serious relationship with you and a threesome is what he’s actually looking for. Please be careful if you feel that might be the case. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 It does seem weird to me that he would bring up the topic of threesomes so early in the relationship when you haven't even had sex yet. If a person being into threesomes is so distasteful and off-putting to you, I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to end the relationship. You clearly are not looking for someone who has out-there sexual tendencies, you are a lot more conservative. And so you may not be compatible with this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodguy05 Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 6 hours ago, flow28 said: I've been seeing this guy from an app for over a month now (seven dates for now) and so far things have been heading towards the right direction. We have mutual interests and passions, and some future plans related to them. I really like him and I've never clicked with anyone as much before. He mentioned he was looking for a long-term relationship. I'd already told him I'm not interested in short term flings and we continue to go on dates. I also visited him once but there was no sex since I told him what my view on that is. I prefer to wait to have sex until I'm ready. However, on our date yesterday I got caught off guard. We started talking about sex-related stuff as he brought up that topic. First he asked me about my sexual preferences so then I was curious and asked about his. He mentioned that he would be open to having a threesome. I'm completely against it and I just cannot imagine it. I would be very jealous and I told him I'm opposed to this kind of 'fun'. I know that if he doesn't pressure me it should be okay but I still feel somewhat offended at the mere statement. It hurts me. It makes me question if he's really as into me as I think he is for an exclusive relationship.. If he was, he wouldn't suggest something like this knowing it could jeopardize our connection, would he? I know that he's allowed to fantasize about other women and I also have fantasies about other men but I would never mention bringing a second guy to the bedroom to a potential boyfriend as I'd be worried about his possibly bad reaction. My logic would be that I'm with him, I love him so I won't ever express a desire to spice things up because he's enough for me. Is this a sign of disrespect or a sign he's not taking me seriously? Is it a good reason to stop seeing him or am I being too harsh? After he's said that I've stopped looking at him the same way as before because in a relationship I want my guy to have eyes only for me and make me feel special. Fantasy is one thing but why would he bring that up out of nowhere? Relationships are fragile it looks like it's too late and it's impacted you. My take on it and being a guy is it's just a sexual fantasy. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 I think he was trying to suss out if you two would be sexually compatible. You are clearly not. It's not a question of disrespect for you. He simply has a preference / curiosity that you do not share. Now you know not to move forward. There won't be any putting the toothpaste back in this tube. Link to post Share on other sites
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