efranks Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 A few years ago my husband, the father of my children, had an affair with a much younger coworker. This affair lasted for almost a year and they had planned a life together. At some point he changed his mind and confessed everything to me begging me for forgiveness. I stayed. It has now been 5 years since his confession. I have really struggled mentally since and stay pretty medicated to cope. A few months ago, we were out with his best friend and his wife. We hang out all the time. Everything has always been platonic between us. Anyway, the BF and I went for a drunken walk together encouraged by my husband and the BF's wife. During this alone time (which wasn't the first) we were discussing husband's past indiscretions and BF let it slip that his wife confessed YEARS ago, years prior to the known affair, my husband had tried to kiss her. They never told me. I was oblivious. He immediately felt awful for saying anything. We were SUPER drunk. We kissed. And then we kissed again, and again, and again. When we got back to the house and peered through the window, my husband was sitting on our giant couch right next to BF's wife with his arm resting behind her. To not drag this out, BF and I have talked almost every day since. We still hang out all the time. I can tell I am falling for him but we are both married. The kicker..... his wife and I also talk all the time. She is not happy and really doesn't want to be in the marriage anymore but stays for the sake of the kids. Actually told me this weekend that she regrets ever marrying him. His feelings are the same towards her. It has been this way for years. They have both expressed this to my husband and me but not to each other. I do not share what they tell me with the other. I do not instigate fights between them (they do enough of that on their own). BUT I'm torn on telling him the things she has said, especially recently. I oddly do not feel guilt about my feelings or the possibility of more happening between BF and I when it comes to my husband. I feel like he deserves the pain of it. I'm not sure how I feel about doing it to the wife. I really do not and have not ever liked her. I tried to talk him out of proposing 10+ years ago when there was ZERO between us. But, I have felt the pain and everything else that comes with infidelity of a spouse and do not wish it on anyone. I'm so torn! Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 Do you think it's revenge cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
Author efranks Posted March 25 Author Share Posted March 25 I don't think so but IDK. I've always liked him and the man that he is but he was always just a friend. We have had times in the past that we would talk on the phone a lot and feelings would try to surface so the talks would stop. We had never discussed it in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 It seems like you were understandably hurt when your husband cheated. The fact that you feel fine about it may indicate revenge cheating. What better way to stick it to your husband than to fool around with his best friend? Link to post Share on other sites
Author efranks Posted March 25 Author Share Posted March 25 (edited) Very true but because of past feelings I'm not sure. I have fought feelings for him for 18 years. He claims the same. Either way, we do not have plans to leave our spouses. I just really needed to get it all out. We have not told a soul and do not plan to. Its painful and torture when we all hang out but we play the part well. Edited March 25 by efranks spelling Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 Your marriage is over. It's way past time to end it. Whether you end up with your husband's buddy or not is a function of his marriage, not something you can control. Just put yourself out of your misery. You are admitted self medicating to try (& fail) to cope with your husband's betrayal. Cheating with the other guy won't make you feel better. Don't make this messier than it already is. Stay the <bleep> away from the guy until you are both not married anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 The whole thing seems toxic and messy. Nobody’s happy and looking and has grass is greener syndrome. What a horrible example being set for the poor kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted March 26 Share Posted March 26 4 hours ago, efranks said: A few years ago my husband, the father of my children, had an affair with a much younger coworker. This affair lasted for almost a year and they had planned a life together. At some point he changed his mind and confessed everything to me begging me for forgiveness. I stayed. It has now been 5 years since his confession. I have really struggled mentally since and stay pretty medicated to cope. A few months ago, we were out with his best friend and his wife. We hang out all the time. Everything has always been platonic between us. Anyway, the BF and I went for a drunken walk together encouraged by my husband and the BF's wife. During this alone time (which wasn't the first) we were discussing husband's past indiscretions and BF let it slip that his wife confessed YEARS ago, years prior to the known affair, my husband had tried to kiss her. They never told me. I was oblivious. He immediately felt awful for saying anything. We were SUPER drunk. We kissed. And then we kissed again, and again, and again. When we got back to the house and peered through the window, my husband was sitting on our giant couch right next to BF's wife with his arm resting behind her. To not drag this out, BF and I have talked almost every day since. We still hang out all the time. I can tell I am falling for him but we are both married. The kicker..... his wife and I also talk all the time. She is not happy and really doesn't want to be in the marriage anymore but stays for the sake of the kids. Actually told me this weekend that she regrets ever marrying him. His feelings are the same towards her. It has been this way for years. They have both expressed this to my husband and me but not to each other. I do not share what they tell me with the other. I do not instigate fights between them (they do enough of that on their own). BUT I'm torn on telling him the things she has said, especially recently. I oddly do not feel guilt about my feelings or the possibility of more happening between BF and I when it comes to my husband. I feel like he deserves the pain of it. I'm not sure how I feel about doing it to the wife. I really do not and have not ever liked her. I tried to talk him out of proposing 10+ years ago when there was ZERO between us. But, I have felt the pain and everything else that comes with infidelity of a spouse and do not wish it on anyone. I'm so torn! This sounds like revenge cheating on your part. Very common, very human, very understandable - and very bad. Nothing good will ever come out of revenge cheating (or from any kind of cheating, really). It will end in even more hurt and suffering. It’s absolutely not up to you to decide what your husband deserves. It’s not about him, it’s about you. If you can forgive him his cheating, focus on that, start healing for real, save your marriage. If you can’t forgive him his cheating and feel your marriage is beyond saving, divorce him. In either case, don’t punish him in that “an eye for an eye” style. And stay away from that BF until you’ve solved those issues one way or another. Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted March 26 Share Posted March 26 This has disaster written ALL OVER IT. It seems that NOBODY is happy and/or content. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 26 Share Posted March 26 Sounds like you guys just need to switch partners and be happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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