She broke up with me and is not willing to let go of resentment.

[dingobird]

 

I was dating a girl for 5 months now, until today, when she broke up with me.

Her and I had a lot in common, we had many shared interests, values, and we worked on a lot to make our relationship fruitful, full of communication, and we communicated our boundaries quite often. We really loved each other.

The other night, we had an argument, it was more of a disagreement you could say, nothing serious. I was expressing my inner dreams to "be" something: I was saying that I "could have been" a doctor, or lawyer, or something. Not that I actually knew at all what those careers are like, mind you. But just a passing comment based on the inner dream to be something, almost toying with the curiosity of what my life could be like if I did make the choices to have a different career. However, my partner saw these comments as problematic: to say that you "could be" something, she argued, sounds like entitlement. For instance, she said, you would never go up to a bunch of doctors, who actually went to MD school and got residency training, and tell them you could have been a doctor. But my point was not that, of course not. I was just reflecting generally on behalf of myself and what things might be like. She was insistent despite me telling her and clarifying my point of view. At this point I felt not seen. Can't we see past it? But I was emotionally triggered. As a child, I was often told I could not be something, so I felt like her not seeing my express my inner child or desires was kind of hurtful in a way. She then apologized, and we got over it.

However, before bed, she wanted to go back into this topic again, in order to 'ease the tension' that came about from what happened. I wasn't really feeling it, but I accepted. However, I was still emotionally distraught a bit, and I didn't sleep very much the night before, so my mind wasn't 100%. But basically, she asked me how I was feeling. I told her I was feeling distrustful, because I couldn't be in a safe space with her to share my inner desires without there being some insistent disagreement. At this point I didn't even care that we disagreed, I felt unseen. This was a feeling that strike me before in our relationship, ranging from interrupting me often, to not asking me how I feel about a particular decision that would be best communicated for both of us. She was upset that I said that I felt distrustful, and she started to become emotionally shut-down. I was very confused by this, and I was also very emotional. It seemed to me like she was focused on herself entirely, without really wanting to talk about it some more. I was emotional and I made several mistakes. I made generalizations, and was hasty without my thinking. She didn't want to talk, so I felt like she really did not see me as a person, so in my anxious, flight-or-flight mind, I saw her as being quite selfish. I said stuff like, "why would you open this can of worms", and "is this is how you really are?". This comments were not helpful in any way, and they pushed her further away. She realized I was reactive, and said I was not of right mind, but I saw this as being gaslit, so I accused her of gaslighting me. I realized I was being hurtful, so I tried to rectify the situation by talking to her with more careful wording. She then wanted to go to sleep, but that upset me more, because she wanted to bring up the conversation, and I felt more unseen because now I wanted to make things right but now she got to make the choice for us to not talk anymore it felt. I realize I was irrational and I was making mistakes. I was not myself. We decided to talk about this again, where we had the intention to "mend the relationship" a few days later.

A few days later, she tells me how she felt about that night. I apologized profusely, as I was completely out of line, and it was wrong of me to talk to her in that way. However, she told me that she doesn't know if she can be with me anymore, that she is not sure because she doesn't know if she can ever forgive me for what happened. I was distraught. I was in a bad place, I explained. I made several mistakes, and I never want to act like that again. I want to understand why I was reactive so that I can be better. I wanted to work on this! But she had no motivation whatsoever to compromise. This was "not an obstacle", or the kind of thing you can ever get over, she expressed. She told me I was abusive. I didn't deny of this, but I felt distraught. She said she needed a couple days to decide if we should be together. It was very anxiety inducing to wait before we talked again to say the least.

I emotionally prepared myself, considering that if she did break up with me, I would be quite sad, but I would be okay and perhaps I shouldn't be with someone who isn't willing to forgive or try to work with me despite mistakes like that. She did want to break up with me, and that was that. I wasn't too upset, but I do feel quite confused. It feels like the relationship ended over something that I feel was possible for reconciliation, time, healing, understanding, and empathy on both sides. It really sucks to have someone that you did have those things with for so many other things (i.e., she has deep traumas, so there was a lot of work we did to work on her boundaries, how comfortable she is, etc) just to not want to work on something because you are not willing to let go of resentment (her words when she broke up with me). I somewhat feel a bit relieved, because perhaps this was a strong sign of incompatibility or means that forgiveness is really important. I feel like I really love this person, so I told her that I hope she does heal from her troubled past, and that maybe someday, we can look back at this, not to forget, but to understand and perhaps be together again. She wasn't open to the idea. We said goodbye, and that was the end.

[Gebidozo]

Five months is really not enough time to be able to characterize the mutual feelings as “really loving each other”. I feel that the word “love” is being too lightly used and even abused. It’s especially strange when you apply it to a relationship in which both of you seemingly argued and broke up over nothing. Then again, people break up for all sorts of reasons, some of which will never be known to us, and maybe not even to themselves. Stop thinking about this girl.

[ExpatInItaly]

It seems she staged this fight as a way to end things with you. 

She turned a completely benign comment from you into a relationship-ending event. Rational people who truly care about their partners don't do this. Either she's off her rocker or she was already wanting to split but didn't have the courage to be honest, and so manufactured drama to blame you and make her exit. 

It seems this is a blessing in disguise. 

Edited March 26 by ExpatInItaly

[dingobird]

I appreciate the comments.

Some details which I forgot to mention: This argument was in the middle of the night, and when she didn't want to communicate but go to bed, I was angry, so I questioned why she would even be at my place. I asked her to leave my home. She was more upset, but then I felt very bad and tried to console her. I wanted to embrace her, but she didn't want do. I violated her boundary for not wanting to touch her (even though I didn't). Its important to mention that she is quite traumatized from sexual assault, and so this probably affected her more. I do believe she is being honest, and her emotional response was genuine. However, I do believe it was benign, as stated, but she is just very, very reactive or something.

What is keeping me up is how she told me that "you don't really know how deep you really hurt me". I feel quite villanized, and not human. This actually solidifies that I don't feel seen by her, yet again. I guess this sounds like someone that is just not healed?

[ExpatInItaly]

The above details are not that relevant, really. 

She still picked a ridiculous argument over nothing, and it spiralled. I don't think it would have mattered how you handled it thereafter. She had already decided she was done with you. 

[d0nnivain]

This was not the deep connection you are making it out to.  Like you could have had another career, this could have been something but at this early stage is wasn't anything yet.  

Everybody needs a supportive partner who is their biggest cheerleader.  This woman threw cold water all over your dreams.  It also sounds like maybe you didn't achieve more because your family was never supportive.  You don't need to repeat negative patterns like this. 

You might not see it just yet but you dodged a bullet with this one.  

If you want to make a career change, it's never too late.  Take stock of what you need to do to become a Doctor or Lawyer, then get started.  A friend of mine went to law school at age 60.  He had a full career as a newspaper editor but always wanted to be a lawyer.  He daughter had recently graduated & he thought "why not?"  When he graduated they opened a firm together. 

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, dingobird said:

I appreciate the comments.

Some details which I forgot to mention: This argument was in the middle of the night, and when she didn't want to communicate but go to bed, I was angry, so I questioned why she would even be at my place. I asked her to leave my home. She was more upset, but then I felt very bad and tried to console her. I wanted to embrace her, but she didn't want do. I violated her boundary for not wanting to touch her (even though I didn't). Its important to mention that she is quite traumatized from sexual assault, and so this probably affected her more. I do believe she is being honest, and her emotional response was genuine. However, I do believe it was benign, as stated, but she is just very, very reactive or something.

What is keeping me up is how she told me that "you don't really know how deep you really hurt me". I feel quite villanized, and not human. This actually solidifies that I don't feel seen by her, yet again. I guess this sounds like someone that is just not healed?

I don’t see anything in what you did that could qualify as “deep hurt”, unless you assaulted her sexually. You touched her, she told you to stop doing that, you stopped, right? That’s a very minor issue, then. Not an issue at all, really. If a girlfriend makes you feel like a villain just because you touched her in an attempt to console her (!), guess what, she’s not a good girlfriend. Really, try to stop thinking about her.

[Wiseman2]

If you two are arguing in the middle of the night and you're throwing her out, it's time to let go. 

[Acacia98]

The bit about your wanting to throw her out at night sucks. So I definitely sympathize with her at that point.

BUT she does sound selfish. And I have no idea why she thought she was making a meaningful point when she reacted to your statement, "I could have been a doctor" in that dismissive way. I think your assessment of the relationship at the point when you were being emotional and expressing your distress was accurate. You should trust your instincts more in the future.

[dingobird]

Hi all,

Thanks for the responses.

This has been quite a confusing experience. Surely, what I was saying was pretty scuffed. But over time, I've been trying to gather all kinds of perspectives from others (here, therapist, friends) to get an objective view on the matter, because a nagging part of me is hounding me, and it sounds like: "what if you're wrong? You were actually abusive, and you hurt her over and over again throughout the night!" The extreme reaction on her end certainly provokes this dilemma in my head. However, the more I have been getting more insights from others (without trying to make a confirmation bias on my end), its more clear that I accepted her narrative, even if it meant accepting an unfair label.

Carrying this immense guilt of the relationship ending, as well as what looks like her projections, was very heavy indeed. I felt like I really needed to stand up for myself, and try to make it clear that, yes, I wasn't handling my distress in the best way, but to label me as abusive, compare me to others in her past, and completely end things without any reconciliation demands that there must be more going on. I realized the dynamic was more complex, and the narrative wasn't entirely fair or accurate. I wanted to write a letter expressing that it wasn't fair to me and our relationship to end things like that, and my distress/concerns were not being heard as they really should have.

She came over yesterday to drop off my things. It was supposed to be like a five second interaction, but I asked if we could talk for two minutes. I told her that the last few days have been quite hard on me, and I'm not going to ask for her back or anything, but I've been carrying this guilt, and its really not fair: we were both overwhelmed, and I feel like there has to be some responsibility for how I also was not being seen. She was not receptive to this in the slightest, and disagreed. I tried to challenge her accusations of abuse and comparisons to others, because that is such a strong thing to say to someone, especially if they are not in the best place, and she said that while I am not an abuser, what I did was verbal abuse, and that she has every right to see what I did like her previous experiences, and (a possible tell-tale sign here), that her father would lash out at her in that way. I wasn't going to deny that I was lashing out, but the entire context of my own perspective is not actually being validated. She was trying to then leave, "I'm going to go now", so its clear she really didn't give a crap about how I was seeing things. I really feel like its entirely possible she got a lot of confirmation bias on her end from her inner circle of her narrative and experience. This wasn't exactly something I expected closure from exactly, since I anticipated that it was meaningless to try to reason with someone who thus far wouldn't be able to be reasoned with, but I needed to at least try to brush off that this whole situation is not of the way that she is chalking it up to be.

Edited March 30 by dingobird

[Lotsgoingon]

Your inability to share wild dreams or vulnerable insights with her--without feeling attacked or ignored--is a major red flag.

This woman lacks basic emotional intelligence. The kind of intelligence where you can distinguish between someone sharing something offhand and "entitlement." Labelling your share as "entitled" is utterly baffling to me, borderline ridiculous. No, you would NOT approach a bunch of doctors and say, "I could have been a doctor." You wouldn't do that because your comment had nothing to do with specifically being a doctor. Your comment was a revelation about feeling like you could have had more in your life. 

A smarter response from her would have been something like, "Oh, I'm sorry. Tell me more? You feel like you missed out on some big opportunities?" Her response put her in an entirely different universe than you. In other words, this person was not someone able to be vulnerably intimate as you seem to want to be. Therefore, this kind of "argument" would repeat itself. And the result would be the same: you would feel ignored after giving some vulnerable really open comment.

So why the heck would you want to stay with her? She's not on a path of understanding where you're coming from. Sounds like you've been minimizing the ways you cannot really connect with her.  You need to screen better next time for people with some emotional intelligence.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, dingobird said:

it was meaningless to try to reason with someone who thus far wouldn't be able to be reasoned with

Exactly this. 

She isn't interested in trying to make this work. She is already done. Arguing your case with someone like this is pointless because they don't care to hear it. They just want to get out of there. 

All of this over a casual comment from you is mental. Imagine how poorly she would have handled real life challenges. Let her stay gone. She is not a good partner.