What to tell a couple in trouble

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I definitely have regrets, that’s why I don’t want other, younger men to repeat my mistakes. That guy is only 27 years old or so. I wish I could just reach out to him, explain to him how awful cheating is, how he’s going to ruin relationships and lose people and soil his own soul and be tortured with remorse. But he isn’t my friend, we’ve never even met.

But this guy is doing way more than cheating.  There's the staying out all night, drinking far too much, grumpy, angry makes her life miserable, refuses to listen to her concerns or communicate in return.    And this is why I say he probably won't change.  A person can cheat and nobody is any the wiser because they cover so well and are pleasant to be around.  But this guy sounds like a selfish AH. 

A kick up the rear end may stop him from cheating, but it won't make him a nice person

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

What if he really changes too? 

It’s not generally advisable for people to choose a partner or stay in an unhealthy relationship with the hope/waiting for the other person to change who they are/what they are doing. 

[ShyViolet]

10 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

my fiancée is quite cool about it, just being sympathetic to her friend, I’m the one who is, perhaps, too outraged for some reason.

You should examine why you are "outraged" by a situation that doesn't concern you, someone else's relationship.  This seems unhealthy and a crossing of boundaries.  

[Gebidozo]

Things are further spiraling now. The wife is pretty much having an affair with her ex-BF, who lives in another city but promises to come back to her. Meanwhile, the husband and the wife are going on a long-planned two weeks vacation, just the two of them. The husband’s condition: no sex…

I understand I shouldn’t interfere, just feel sad for that woman. She’s my lady’s best friend and she’s been very nice to me and supportive of our relationship, even though she’s seen some less than nice aspects of my character. I just wish that jerk of a husband changes… and hopefully she’ll stop that affair, nothing good will come out of it.

[S2B]

Tell her to do what she wants. But have her see an attorney. The longer she waits the more she may have to pay him  support when they do divorce.

[Gaeta]

If you're my friend and confine in me your marital problems I will 100% give you my take on it. If I think he's a no-good loser, cheater, and you deserve better and should leave,  I will express it. To me that's friendship. 

Now, after I have verbalize what I think it's 100% on her to make her own decision. 

It has happenned to me that I had to end our friendship as I could not stand by anymore and withness the dysfunction and abuse. After 7 years of her running to me daily with stories of her husband cheating and then wanting to do nothing about it, I had to end the friendship for my own mental health. 

Finally, nobody will divorce because you tell them it's what you think they should do. Your mind can rest at peace with that. 

 

[ShyViolet]

13 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Things are further spiraling now. The wife is pretty much having an affair with her ex-BF, who lives in another city but promises to come back to her. Meanwhile, the husband and the wife are going on a long-planned two weeks vacation, just the two of them. The husband’s condition: no sex…

I understand I shouldn’t interfere, just feel sad for that woman. She’s my lady’s best friend and she’s been very nice to me and supportive of our relationship, even though she’s seen some less than nice aspects of my character. I just wish that jerk of a husband changes… and hopefully she’ll stop that affair, nothing good will come out of it.

Why are you having such a hard time detaching from this?  The emotionally healthy reponse to this is for you to stay out of it, because it is other people's business and it's not your life.  You can't solve other people's problems for them.  They are adults and they need to handle their own lives.

[mark clemson]

Some couples are actually comfortable in the dysfunctional mess they mutually make for themselves and stick together through whatever craziness, despite how triggering it may be for those watching from the outside. Not making a prediction either way for your fiancee's friend, but it's certainly out there.

[Wiseman2]

This couple represents a canvas that you two are projecting your own issues on to. Otherwise you two wouldn't be arguing about their business. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 3/27/2024 at 8:42 AM, Gebidozo said:

What if he really changes too? 

Your life will not be one bit different. 

 

[Acacia98]

13 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Things are further spiraling now. The wife is pretty much having an affair with her ex-BF, who lives in another city but promises to come back to her. Meanwhile, the husband and the wife are going on a long-planned two weeks vacation, just the two of them. The husband’s condition: no sex…

Sounds like a trainwreck. The absolute tragedy is that there's a kid involved. You'd be wise to take a huge step back.

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This couple represents a canvas that you two are projecting your own issues on to. Otherwise you two wouldn't be arguing about their business. 

We aren’t arguing over them. We are on the same page. There was never any argument, just a disagreement over whether we should actively advise her friend to divorce or not.

In any case, I stopped advocating for urging her to divorce. And I haven’t even talked to any of them about the issue. Just feeling bad for my lady’s best friend, just like I feel bad for my buddies’ divorces I mentioned in another thread. 

Actually, it’s because things are going well in my own private life now that I become particularly sad when other people break up or having troubles. I just feel that I could have helped them.

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Your life will not be one bit different. 

 

I think it will. If I could somehow make him understand that cheating is wrong, bring him to repentance etc., I’d feel really good about that.

You never had that feeling - you’re watching a younger person make the same mistakes you did when you were younger, and it frustrates you to no end that there is nothing you can do?

[Wiseman2]

Please keep in mind you and your GF are not a licensed marriage counselors or attorneys, so your advice is just your feelings and meddling. Let these people seek out appropriate advice if you want to help them.

[basil67]

32 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I think it will. If I could somehow make him understand that cheating is wrong, bring him to repentance etc., I’d feel really good about that.

You never had that feeling - you’re watching a younger person make the same mistakes you did when you were younger, and it frustrates you to no end that there is nothing you can do?

I think many of us have wished that we could help, but people have to sort out their own lives.   

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

You never had that feeling - you’re watching a younger person make the same mistakes you did when you were younger, and it frustrates you to no end that there is nothing you can do?

Not to the extent that I feel it's my place to intervene, no. 

I don't get that frustrated by other people's lives in general. You would be better served figuring out why you do, and how to address it without meddling in something that is noene of your business.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Not to the extent that I feel it's my place to intervene, no. 

I don't get that frustrated by other people's lives in general. You would be better served figuring out why you do, and how to address it without meddling in something that is noene of your business.

It probably has something to do with my cheating past.

I feel I can’t make enough amends. Like, what can I do besides never cheating again? Of course I’m going to be completely faithful, but maybe something in me is telling me it’s not enough, I also have to prevent other guys from cheating on their ladies. Ridiculous idea, perhaps, but there you go. Maybe I’m feeling that all the cheating going on in the world is somehow my fault.

Remember you told me that me wanting to punish that guy from my fiancée’s past is actually my own past torturing me? Maybe this here is another instance of that. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

Remember you told me that me wanting to punish that guy from my fiancée’s past is actually my own past torturing me?

Yes, I remember, and I see an echo of that here too. 

I get that it sucks to watch other people make a mess of their lives. But is important to recognize a boundary between your life and their own. Stay on your side of the boundary here unless your opinion or help is actually requested by the woman or her boyfriend. Don't turn this into a mission to right your own wrongs, in other words. 

[Gaeta]

13 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

You never had that feeling - you’re watching a younger person make the same mistakes you did when you were younger, and it frustrates you to no end that there is nothing you can do?

I remember years ago a lady neighbor with 2 little kids confined in me that her husband was physically abusing her. From there I decided I was going to 'save' her. I told her I would find a shelter for her, I would help her escape, I would help her get setup in a new place etc. And I did. An anonymous car came to pick her up with her kids when her husband was at work and they took them to a shelter. The same night, to my complete shock, she returned to her husband. She was not ready to leave. It was a big lesson for me. People need to learn their lesson on their own. And to learn sometimes they need to hit the rock bottom a few times. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, when I'm this focused (as you are) on another person's relationship, that means there is something in my life that I'm not attending to. Is your life all you want it to be?

[Alpacalia]

On 3/27/2024 at 3:05 AM, Gebidozo said:

I definitely have regrets, that’s why I don’t want other, younger men to repeat my mistakes. That guy is only 27 years old or so. I wish I could just reach out to him, explain to him how awful cheating is, how he’s going to ruin relationships and lose people and soil his own soul and be tortured with remorse. But he isn’t my friend, we’ve never even met.

Sorry. Just circling back to this. Really, why do you feel it's your duty to "reach out"? Who are you then? A preacher?

We can only share our thoughts here. But to actively try and bring back your past through a one-way 'brochures' just doesn't sit right with me. Do you think, if someone had told you it was wrong at the time of the cheating, you'd have not gone through with it? Do you think that suddenly you'd have to stop and go 'Oh right! it's wrong. Back to my partner waiting for me at home.'

How do you know that guy didn't regret it after the fact? Why is it that you have to warn him now? Why the high-horse thing you'd be saving lives? You know what? Leave well alone. Let him find out what he signed for. It's not your duty nor right. He's a big boy. He'll make his own bed.

Of course, it's wonderful of you to want to go and save the world from bad karma. That shows a good heart. But I think you can satiate yourself by being a decent and faithful partner now, rather than going about 'yes kids, never cheat. I did it and let me kind of make up for it now.' You're not wrong in feelings and actions but there are other people involved here, and those other people are the only ones who matter now, not your karma, not your history, not your pride.

Edited March 30 by Alpacalia

[Gebidozo]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

10 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Dude, when I'm this focused (as you are) on another person's relationship, that means there is something in my life that I'm not attending to. Is your life all you want it to be?

Yes, my life is all I want it to be. It’s not that. I think it’s my guilt feelings from the past, as I wrote above. 

Edited March 31 by Gebidozo

[ShyViolet]

On 3/29/2024 at 8:32 PM, Gebidozo said:

I think it will. If I could somehow make him understand that cheating is wrong, bring him to repentance etc., I’d feel really good about that.

You seem to have a really hard time understanding that you can't control other people and you can't solve other people's problems for them.  These are some of the basic realities of life.

[Esteban]

On 3/30/2024 at 4:05 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

Dude, when I'm this focused (as you are) on another person's relationship, that means there is something in my life that I'm not attending to. Is your life all you want it to be?

I don't find this - personally if I have issues in my life I focus on them. I'm more likely to try and help others if I am very mentally stable and happy.

So I think this may vary by person.

I think the balance of latest comments (from various people) is slightly unfair. By all means, point out to the OP that the are unlikely to have a significant positive effect by trying to advise or help out. But it does NOT logically follow from this that you should therefore not help out, since it is worth a try.

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, Esteban said:

I don't find this - personally if I have issues in my life I focus on them. I'm more likely to try and help others if I am very mentally stable and happy.

So I think this may vary by person.

I think the balance of latest comments (from various people) is slightly unfair. By all means, point out to the OP that the are unlikely to have a significant positive effect by trying to advise or help out. But it does NOT logically follow from this that you should therefore not help out, since it is worth a try.

In this particular case, I wouldn't advise him to help out. In another case, e.g. if his close friend or family member was involved, perhaps he could help by listening to them and pointing them to resources like counsellors.

Overall, @Gebidozo, I'd encourage you to transform your guilt into something practical by putting together materials that could help people experiencing relationship challenges. Maybe share links to relevant websites or hotline numbers or mental health support resources on your social media or on a blog. Alternatively, if you're a religious person, you could suggest to the relevant religious authority that your religious community offer certain kinds of support to struggling couples. There are practical ways to 'make amends' without getting directly involved in people's personal dramas and potentially making the problem worse.