Cheating. Help.

[Soulmate47]

Long story shortened… I’ve been separated from my husband for four years.  We had an agreement to separate, but stay in one household for the kids. We were allowed to date.  I was not looking but of course that’s when it hits… I found someone.  But not just someone, definitely my soulmate.  He was also separated at the time.  He was eager to move forward together and finalized his divorce right away.  While I loved him, I wasn’t ready to finalize my divorce because of my kids. So we were on and off for three years.  I finally felt ready this summer and of course at that exact time, he met another woman l.  They started dating and he kept saying as soon as I was in the divorce process he’d be there for me. We continued our relationship but the other woman didn’t know. And still doesn’t six months later. He said she was a Plus One for holiday parties, etc, but that was it.  Well, his feelings grew and now he’s choosing her over me. I want her to know that he’s been lying and cheating on her, but I don’t want to be the one to reveal it.  I have messages, cards, etc but how do I do this without her “shooting the messenger”.   Anonymously won’t work bc it will be obvious it’s me based on all the texts. Any ideas?  And no judgment please.  

[Alpacalia]

You can tip her off but it's not going to change much, he can always lie his way out of it. It's not going to change your relationship with him either, you guys have been on and off for 3 yrs and she's been with him for 6 months (and they've become more serious where they are labeled as girlfriend/boyfriend), it's already obvious which boat he's chosen to be in. 

It doesn't even sound like the two of you were official 3 yrs when you were 'on and off' for 3 years that's not exactly commitment, unless this was a friendship with benefits situation. 

Edited March 27, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Yes shoot the messenger is a definite possibility. He will preserve his relationship and depict you as a scorned woman Fatal Attraction case.

Unfortunately your reluctance to divorce appropriately will stand in the way of any decent men or relationships. Only damaged men like this one would consider someone still living with het husband.

[Wiseman2]

Replied in your identical thread. 

[Soulmate47]

But that’s not advice as to how to tell her, which is what I’m asking for. 

[Wiseman2]

My advice is telling her won't solve anything or serve your purpose. 

[Alpacalia]

Your problem is that you expected him to wait for you, and he didn't. He also wasn't upfront with her from the beginning. This is some classic drama that plays out all the time. You both were using one another.

If some guy told me to wait three years while he sorted his drama out, I wouldn't be interested either. So, I think he had reason to move on. And no, you were "off and on" because of your boundaries. You could've finalized your divorce, except you didn't.

[Soulmate47]

Not looking to be with him.  But he doesn’t get a pass for what he did to her and I want to know how to tell her. 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Soulmate47 said:

While I loved him, I wasn’t ready to finalize my divorce because of my kids. So we were on and off for three years.

You missed the boat.

What good would it do to tell her?   In all reality, she probably already knows he was seeing you but you wouldn't divorce so he decided to move on

[d0nnivain]

You can tell her if you want but it won't bring him back.  Even if she breaks up with him, that will only make him hate you.  She probably won't break up with him because he will tell her you an unbalanced woman who toyed with his emotions & is doing this out of spite.  

You strung this guy along for years. . .promising to get divorced but not following through.  From his perspective you chose your husband over him.  Now you are butt hurt because he found somebody else.   You want to punish him.  That is so not fair.  From where I sit, he didn't do anything wrong.  You wouldn't commit to him so he was not obligated to commit to you. 

You snooze, you lose.  You wanted to have your cake & eat it too.  The cake objected.  

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, Soulmate47 said:

Not looking to be with him.  But he doesn’t get a pass for what he did to her and I want to know how to tell her. 

I agree with others that it's not going to break them up if you tell her.  She'll just think you're a scorned married woman who cheated on her husband with her boyfriend, and now you're angry because they are in love.  She's not going to budge.  But to answer your question of how to tell her, just find the courage and do it.  Why does it matter if she knows the truth is coming from you or not?  He did the right thing and divorced his wife so he no longer had to cheat.  You didn't and this is the price you pay.

Edited March 27, 2024 by stillafool

[Lotsgoingon]

Never wait for someone to be free. Never. 

Never. Never. Never. 

When it comes to divorce, many people (probably most) aren't ready to get into a new relationship, even if they feel they are. Later on, they realize they weren't ready.

 

[Acacia98]

15 hours ago, Soulmate47 said:

 I want her to know that he’s been lying and cheating on her, but I don’t want to be the one to reveal it.  I have messages, cards, etc but how do I do this without her “shooting the messenger”.   Anonymously won’t work bc it will be obvious it’s me based on all the texts. Any ideas?  And no judgment please.  

I'm curious: why don't you want her to know it's you? And what do you believe will happen when you tell her?

[Soulmate47]

Everyone is missing the point. He is still telling me he loves me and stringing me along.  Even though I am now done.  Why does he get to play these games with her with no repercussions?

[Wiseman2]

Why not delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps if you are "done"? Why drag things out? 

[Alpacalia]

9 minutes ago, Soulmate47 said:

He is still telling me he loves me and stringing me along.

If that's what it felt like to you then I agree that it sucks and that it is painful. 

It may be tempting to want to "expose" him and his behavior, it is not going to change the outcome of their relationship. I know you want to 'make him feel the hurt that he caused you', but this isn't the way to do it. If you tell her she will probably just end up shooting the messenger and may not even believe you. 

 

[Soulmate47]

29 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

It does stink and of course it is NOT right but why not just CLOSE the door and caulk it up to a lesson learned and move on.  The further you get away from this disfunction the better off you will be. 

I will see them all around town so it’s not as easy to distance myself. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Soulmate47 said:

Everyone is missing the point. He is still telling me he loves me and stringing me along.  Even though I am now done.  Why does he get to play these games with her with no repercussions?

Why haven't you blocked him from contacting you since you know he's chosen someone else over you?

[stillafool]

41 minutes ago, Soulmate47 said:

I will see them all around town so it’s not as easy to distance myself. 

Then can you just ignore?

[mark clemson]

18 hours ago, Soulmate47 said:

Not looking to be with him.  But he doesn’t get a pass for what he did to her and I want to know how to tell her. 

What he did to her, or what he did to YOU?

You played along with this for 6 months while you thought he'd end up with you, no?

Or did I miss something. Otherwise this is vindictive revenge, not "justice" and not for her sake either.

If you weren't complicit in this maybe you'd have a leg to stand on WRT to "moral grounds", but it sounds like you don't, and you're just lying to yourself to justify your revenge play here...

Edited March 27, 2024 by mark clemson

[Soulmate47]

14 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

What he did to her, or what he did to YOU?

You played along with this for 6 months while you thought he'd end up with you, no?

Or did I miss something. Otherwise this is vindictive revenge, not "justice" and not for her sake either.

If you weren't complicit in this maybe you'd have a leg to stand on WRT to "moral grounds", but it sounds like you don't, and you're just lying to yourself to justify your revenge play here...

Complicit?  He lied to me about their relationship for months.  Kept calling her a “distraction” until I was free.  It wasn’t until this week that I learned the truth.  Love how the man always gets a free pass. 

[Wiseman2]

You were also a distraction. One who was still living with her husband.  So it seems you had a free pass too. 

Kept calling her a “distraction” until I was free..  Love how the man always gets a free pass.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Soulmate47 said:

He lied to me about their relationship for months.  Kept calling her a “distraction” until I was free

Come on. You aren't that naive or clueless, I am sure. 

I think you accepted this convenient excuse because it suited your agenda to keep seeing him, even though you obviously knew he was seeing her. You gave yourself a pass for months until he chose her over you,.  Now your ego is hurt.

Go ahead and tell her if you want, but put on your Big Girl Pants and own your role in this. You are not a totally innocent party here either, so you might as well take your lumps. Will she (or he) shoot the messenger? It's very likely, yes. That's a price you have to decide if you are willing to pay if you expose him completely. 

[d0nnivain]

16 hours ago, Soulmate47 said:

Everyone is missing the point. He is still telling me he loves me and stringing me along.  Even though I am now done.  Why does he get to play these games with her with no repercussions?

Because you let him.   There are repercussions.  He lost you.  

15 hours ago, Soulmate47 said:

I will see them all around town so it’s not as easy to distance myself. 

Sure it is.  Block him everywhere.  Change up your routine.  Cross the street or exit the establishment when you see them together.  

13 hours ago, Soulmate47 said:

Complicit?  He lied to me about their relationship for months.  Kept calling her a “distraction” until I was free.  It wasn’t until this week that I learned the truth.  Love how the man always gets a free pass. 

Nobody is giving him a "free pass".  All we are saying is that there is nothing YOU can do about this.  Even if you take some action, it probably won't benefit you.   

Plus your willful blindness was a partial cause of your present misery.  You chose to stay married & living with your husband.  Then you chose to ignore this "distraction."   Had you acted sooner, gotten divorced & committed to this guy you probably wouldn't be in this situation.   

[smackie9]

So you are being butt hurt over it. Let it go and be at peace with it. It would be different if you had no idea what he was do all the while was making big promises, and see other women behind you back....this whole time he's be straight forward about it. Revenge would be such a childish act, and you would be setting yourself up for humiliation from the gossip by the towns people. The reality is, he got tired of waiting and I don't blame the guy. He was ready to commit right away, but you dragged your feet for 3 years, so you only have yourself to blame. Basically you two should never had dated because you both had very different expectations. 

The right thing to do is to move on from your marriage and move on with your life.  Kids adapt just fine. Divorcing and being happy is a healthier choice. All will be OK.