Darren01 Posted December 28, 2005 Share Posted December 28, 2005 Hello all, This is my first post here as I just found this site. Here's my story: Im 21 yrs old, my wife just turned 20. We will be going on 2 yrs of marriage in January. We dated for about 1 yr before we got married. She is from Colombia and has a completely different upbringing that myself. We got married because I felt I was in love with her, and her VISA was going to expire within the next month, and if she couldn't get a residency then she'd have to move back to Colombia. I DID NOT want to loose her, and the only way for her to get a residency was for us to be married since Im a US citizen. So one day, we basically ran off and got married. I was truly in love, and was the happiest man in the world. Then we got rid of our roommate, and finally got a place of OUR own. It was going pretty good for a while, then it seemed as she got "comfortable" and pretty much just let herself go. She dosen't exercise anymore, she eats HORRIBLE food, smokes, and generally just dosen't take care of herself like she used to. Im starting to loose my attraction to her. To the point that our sexual life is suffering. On top of that, she really has no goals for herself IE: finishing up her education, saving money, etc etc etc. She was raised differently that me, where she had a maid that did everything for her so now, she dosen't do anytype of house cleaning or cleaning up after herself, or walk the dogs and so forth. I was raised where I worked and did that stuff myself as my family didn't have much money. We have much different interest's. Id much rather go hike or hunt with my dogs, where she would rather go party or shop. She's horrible with money and spends WAY to much of it. I'm not sure what to do. Ive sat her down and talked to her numerous times about the things that bother me, and she's always said she will change, and she maybe will for a day or two, then back to the same old stuff. She has no trust in me either, I can't go out with the guy's without her calling every 5 minutes, or giving me a big fuss before I go out. And I go out MAYBE once a month. I just feel that this relationship is to one-sided, seems like I do EVERYTHING. I know for a fact that she loves me, but Im really starting to wonder if I perhaps married the wrong girl...too soon?? Any advice, tips etc.....thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Nicholas Posted December 28, 2005 Share Posted December 28, 2005 It sounds like this marriage is pretty bad on all counts. I'm really sorry for that, but divorce seems like your best bet. There's a tendency to be really protective of your time investments, as if somehow sticking with it in the long run will eventually produce results. The bottom line is that she has no reason to change, as, like you said, you're picking up where she's falling behind. You're asking a question you already know the answer to. It's pain now or pain later--how much more of your life are you willing to throw on this pyre? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darren01 Posted December 28, 2005 Author Share Posted December 28, 2005 Thanks....it's just such a hard thing to do. But it is what Ive been struggling with doing for the past 5-6 months. Makes it a little more clear when someone else tells me what I am thinking. We haven't tried any counseling yet though, I probably couldn't afford it, but that may be the last straw. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted December 28, 2005 Share Posted December 28, 2005 If you want to save your marriage she needs to stop shopping and spend the money on a marriage counselor. Compared to what a divorce will cost you, counseling is cheap! I'm always amazed at the people that say, we can't afford counseling. Yes, you can- even if you have to take a second job to pay for it. Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted December 28, 2005 Share Posted December 28, 2005 What you're up against, Darren01, is a combination of both cultural and personal issues. Frankly, she's going to have to come to a point of crisis before she realizes that her actions are as serious as you believe they are. While I would endorse the suggestions about marriage counsellling, I frankly don't see how she's going to be willing to do the hard work of making changes that would, essentially, turn her cultural values and her personal expectations completely inside-out. Start protecting yourself. Talk to a lawyer, a financial advisor, and begin proceedings (without her knowledge) for divorce. Once your legal and financial ducks are all in a row, then give her one last, good chance: Marriage counselling to fix the problems (and by that I mean her issues of entitlement, lavish spending and laziness, not your feelings about them) or divorce. Yes, it's an ultimatum, and she won't like it one bit. But the worst thing to be in a toxic relationship like this for 2 years is to be in the same relationship for 2 years plus one day. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SamandBran Posted December 28, 2005 Share Posted December 28, 2005 Hey, sweetie. Sounds like you've got yourself in a bit of a bind and it truly does suck once you are already married then you find yourself wondering if he/she is really the one. But, if you really love her and she loves you, then you might want to see if you can talk to a Pastor or someone professional that is free. Do you have a church that you know of that offers marriage counseling? Research your options so you don't have to pay for it before you just go and do that. Also, before divorce, I always suggests separation, which to me is like a trial divorce. It basically should make both parties see what it would be like to no longer be together. If you tell her that you are moving out to stay with a friend or she needs to (which I don't think is a good idea...kicking the woman out) then she might realize how serious you are. And like I tell so many others, stick to it too, once it has been said DO NOT back down because then she will continue to take advantage of you and not take you seriously. No matter how hard it is to go through with it, do it. I hate to say this, but your wife may be using you because of the citizenship issue. Hopefully, this is not the case. I would definitely be setting some ground rules, like her getting a job and furthering her education....or you're going to leave for awhile to figure some things out. Good luck in your decision and keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darren01 Posted December 29, 2005 Author Share Posted December 29, 2005 thanks again all... My wife does have a fulltime job and she makes good money, and pays a her portion of the bills without question. As for her education, she always talks about wanting to be a doctor and so forth, and Im always trying to push her to enroll in college and start taking courses...but she has no motivation. We are in a class at our church that is about making marriage work. It's helping a bit, but she just dosen't show the interested or commitment that Im making. Im gonna have another sit down with her and just lay it all out, and go from there. Thanks again! Link to post Share on other sites
alturrnababe Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 Hey!sorry to hear about your sad situation.But you know what-you are 21.You have along life ahead of you...all you have to do is decide, if,you want her in that long life.Divorce is not a crime, and you have a right to be happy! Good luck, keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
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