We Need Help Or Is There Any Hope -Part 2

[Jaagz Wife]

This is in response to a posting left by my husband a few days ago and the responses from that post. First of all, my husband, Jaagz, posted his message in a moment when he was filled with rage. I'm a little concerned with the fact that you would respond to a one-sided posting and tell a complete stranger whom you know NOTHING about, to "turn off the computer now, and pack your things" as some sort of valid advice without knowing the full extent of the situation. And (oh my gosh) the detriment your advice could have permanantly caused.

 

What you don't know is that Jaagz is the one with a control/anger problem and openly admits it. What you don't know is that I and "church" acquaintances have been trying to get both of us into some counseling and Jaagz has just recently agreed to it. I have wanted it for some time. What you don't know is that Jaagz and I met "online" and had an affair and I got a divorce from it. What you don't know is that from the result of it, I have been fighting for a long, hard 2 1/2 years over a custody battle with my 3 children and there is ALOT of stress involved with just that situation alone. What you don't know is that Jaagz also was married once before and divorced before I met him, and his 1st marriage ended (in what he admits was his fault).

 

What you don't know is that in the past I have been the "Super Mom"......the "PTA Mom"........the"do everything for my kids mom"...........the "Clean the house from top to bottom in a fearless swoop Mom".........the "bake cookies and goodies for my kids/neighbors Mom" , the "Craft Queen" etc, etc...........but just recently over the last 6-7 months have finally been diagnosed with OsteoArthritis at the age of 38 and most mornings have to pull myself out of bed because I can't move because I'm stiff and I hurt so bad, I can't clean my house from roof to floor like I used to and want to because after 15 minutes to an hour, I can't move. (Cleaning just 1 bathroom on Saturday, completely wiped me out for the rest of the day) I can't stand in my Kitchen and bake cookies non-stop like I used to, because after just mixing one batch, my back is killing me and I have to go sit down because it feels like my lower back is caving in on me. My entire body constantly aches all over like I have the flu, but it's arthritis. What you don't know is that I LOVE Jaagz very much in spite of the fact when we disagree he shouts in my face and corners me up against the wall and won't let me go until I agree with his point of view. What you don't know is that Jaagz doesn't think he is winning a conversation unless he is talking/screaming louder than the other person, so he refuses to let the other person talk at all. What you don't know is that it has happened so much over the last 2 1/2 years, that I refuse to be bullied anymore, and Saturday was the first time that I completely stood my ground and refused to crumble to the floor in tears. What you don't know is that numerous other people have seen/been the brunt of his anger.

 

Yes, I will admit that I have some issues, but not because I'm some dysfunctional psycho. Yes, I admit to a major self esteem problem that I have had "all my life" because of being constantly run into the ground and being told I'm worthless and stupid. Yes, I admit that I get frustrated and angry when things are not going right. What I do know is that I am a person who is Analytical and a Perfectionist and everything has it's order, and I get frustrated because I want to do it "myself" to ensure it gets done the way I want it, and it's frustrating not feeling/wanting to do anything because I hurt and can't complete anything before I crumble.

 

What I will say is that on the total other end of the spectrum...............when Jaagz and I are not at each other's throat over a problem/concern...........is that Jaagz has the same passion at loving as he does with anger. Jaagz is a very caring, compassionate, loving husband who I know loves me and takes care of me. Jaagz would do anything for me. Matter of fact, he just recently starting going door to door painting house numbers on the curb in an effort to raise money for me for an Attorney to help me in my custody battles with my ex-husband. And he started it on his week of vacation......he just went back to work this morning, but I know that he intends on going out after work to continue to try and earn some extra cash.

 

He is doing that for "ME".............and I love him so much for his efforts.

 

My advice would be to "not" prematurely tell a complete stranger to pack their bags and get out without knowing the full extent of the story or unless you have some sort of degree in the profession. To just advise someone based on a heated posting in the moment is not good for the lives of people that it affects. Now if you will excuse me, I need to go call the number that my Bishop gave me a couple days ago to set up "our" counseling sessions. Hope you have a wonderful day! JAAGZ WIFE!

[Tony T]

Nobody here can take any responsiblity for anyone who puts up an incomplete or biased post. Nobody here can be responsible for what they are not told.

 

Advice given here assumes that the poster has revealed all relevant facts.

 

So lady, I think you ought to take your gripes to your husband. He's the one who is inarticulate and leaves out all the pertinent facts. If you go to your own doctor, who has a medical degree, and fail to tell him of pains in certain areas of your body...you can't blame him if later in the day you die of appendicitis.

 

The fact that you have responded this way here tells me there is extremely poor communication in your household and that you and your husband need massive work in conflict resolution. You should have immediately known to take this issue up with your husband, who wrote this post, and not us. We will always respond to posts based on the information presented. That is an accepted course of action in almost any human transaction.

 

Don't you dare make the people in this forum a party to your marital problems. You need to take up all these matters with your husband.

 

I do understand your frustration but if you are so shallow minded that you would express anger at people who respond to a post in a forum based on the information presented rather than talk to the person who omitted so many pertinent facts, in this case your husband, then I feel you need to take this up with your counsellor.

 

Your husband's post is a very good indication of just how he views this dilemma. The fact that he omitted so many facts may be a sign of serious cognitive problems or a selective attention that is unwilling to consider your side in this relationship.

 

In any case, this beef should be with your husband and not any person here.

 

If this is how you respond to problems in your marriage, by going and airing your dirty laundry with other people, I still think your husband needs to pack his bags and leave.

 

DISCLAIMER: This post has been written assuming that the poster has put up all relevant facts and that all sides of this issue have been revealed.

[Artlover]

Jesus. I have to say, after reading Jaagz' wife's post. My opinion hasn't changed much. They BOTH have a heap o' issues, which can only be helped with massive ammounts of separate and joint counselling. I pray they both get it!

Nobody here can take any responsiblity for anyone who puts up an incomplete or biased post. Nobody here can be responsible for what they are not told. Advice given here assumes that the poster has revealed all relevant facts. So lady, I think you ought to take your gripes to your husband. He's the one who is inarticulate and leaves out all the pertinent facts. If you go to your own doctor, who has a medical degree, and fail to tell him of pains in certain areas of your body...you can't blame him if later in the day you die of appendicitis. The fact that you have responded this way here tells me there is extremely poor communication in your household and that you and your husband need massive work in conflict resolution. You should have immediately known to take this issue up with your husband, who wrote this post, and not us. We will always respond to posts based on the information presented. That is an accepted course of action in almost any human transaction.

 

Don't you dare make the people in this forum a party to your marital problems. You need to take up all these matters with your husband. I do understand your frustration but if you are so shallow minded that you would express anger at people who respond to a post in a forum based on the information presented rather than talk to the person who omitted so many pertinent facts, in this case your husband, then I feel you need to take this up with your counsellor. Your husband's post is a very good indication of just how he views this dilemma. The fact that he omitted so many facts may be a sign of serious cognitive problems or a selective attention that is unwilling to consider your side in this relationship.

 

In any case, this beef should be with your husband and not any person here. If this is how you respond to problems in your marriage, by going and airing your dirty laundry with other people, I still think your husband needs to pack his bags and leave. DISCLAIMER: This post has been written assuming that the poster has put up all relevant facts and that all sides of this issue have been revealed.

 

[Jaagz Wife]

Once again, here you are giving advice you know nothing about. My husband and I "have" talked about his post, and I know he posted it out of anger. Also, I did not make people in this forum a part of my marital concerns......my husband did.............I MERELY RESPONDED TO THEM!

 

Now your assumption that I expressed "my anger" to the forum is a concern..............Where do you get the idea, that I was "Angry". Shocked maybe, but nothing in my post reflected anger. I was totally calm and open-minded in my entire post. Don't treat me like I'm an idiot.

 

I'm sure there must be more things for you to dawdle your time with than to try to cause problems by handing out "totally inaccurate advice for the lovelorn". If you want to hand out advice................GET A LICENSE!.......BUT GOOD LUCK IN OBTAINING AND CLIENTS!

 

Nobody here can take any responsiblity for anyone who puts up an incomplete or biased post. Nobody here can be responsible for what they are not told. Advice given here assumes that the poster has revealed all relevant facts. So lady, I think you ought to take your gripes to your husband. He's the one who is inarticulate and leaves out all the pertinent facts. If you go to your own doctor, who has a medical degree, and fail to tell him of pains in certain areas of your body...you can't blame him if later in the day you die of appendicitis. The fact that you have responded this way here tells me there is extremely poor communication in your household and that you and your husband need massive work in conflict resolution. You should have immediately known to take this issue up with your husband, who wrote this post, and not us. We will always respond to posts based on the information presented. That is an accepted course of action in almost any human transaction.

 

Don't you dare make the people in this forum a party to your marital problems. You need to take up all these matters with your husband. I do understand your frustration but if you are so shallow minded that you would express anger at people who respond to a post in a forum based on the information presented rather than talk to the person who omitted so many pertinent facts, in this case your husband, then I feel you need to take this up with your counsellor. Your husband's post is a very good indication of just how he views this dilemma. The fact that he omitted so many facts may be a sign of serious cognitive problems or a selective attention that is unwilling to consider your side in this relationship.

 

In any case, this beef should be with your husband and not any person here. If this is how you respond to problems in your marriage, by going and airing your dirty laundry with other people, I still think your husband needs to pack his bags and leave. DISCLAIMER: This post has been written assuming that the poster has put up all relevant facts and that all sides of this issue have been revealed.

 

[Tony T]

I don't normally say this to people but, lady, you have really got SERIOUS problems. We were dealing with your husband here so, unless you were looking for some feedback...which we gave you...you had absolutely no business meddling in what your husband put up here or the advice he received. Your response was not necessary or called for...and by doing that you did make this forum an element of your marital problems.

 

This forum is not a conduit for domestic disputes.

 

If after receiving our advice he realized he hadn't told us the full story, he would have let us know.

 

If you were decent at all, you would be far more concerned about why YOUR HUSBAND left out all the details in his post...not why we answered the post as he presented it.

 

If you follow your OWN advice above, you would not have meddled in your husband's participation in this forum.

 

No further replies are necessary.

 

I pray your husband gets through this and I can certainly understand why he posted here in anger. GEEZZEEEEE lady.

 

Butt out of here and let your husband have some privacy and a place to get away from you. There was no reason whatsoever for you to get involved in your husband's search for peace and sanity amidst the chaos he is facing.

 

And I also don't appreciate you implying we are idiots by stating your post didn't reflect anger and our responses didn't consider information that was not presented to us.

 

I have no intention of engaging you further but I will be praying for your husband!!!

[marzipan75]

You seem to have a lot of misdirected anger. The people in this forum, including me try to support one another and give eachother advice on the impression that the person seeking it has given us all the info we need. You can't hold someone responsible for advice they give if they don't get the full story. Besides that, your husband was the one asking for the advice not you and thus no matter what, we will only get one side of a story, that's just the way it is.

 

I am sorry you are going through a tough time together however, you shouldn't be so quick to jump on someone who is only trying to help and offer a different perspective on the situation. Yes we are complete strangers and yes the advice isn't always good or may bring resentment from the other end but that is all it is, advice.

 

My advice to you is to talk to your husband and see what he has to say. Your argument lies with him, not the people who gave him advice and support. I also fear you don't give your husband enough credit in this, he has a mind of his own and as a grown up he seems perfectly capable of understanding that the advice he is given comes from a variety of people who don't know him well. My point is, he was seeking anonymous advice from people who don't know him in order to gain that outside perspective that he didn't have. You shouldn't punish a person for trying to gain a better understanding of the situation.

 

You point out that you will be going to a counselor and I commend you on that, it is a good thing however you aren't going to try to get on the counselor's case if he offers advice that you don't agree with are you? Think about that. Sometimes people just want to get a different take on a situation, it doesn't mean they will take the advice somebody gives them but it may make them think a little bit more about things and that's always good.

 

Good luck, I hope things work out for you two.

This is in response to a posting left by my husband a few days ago and the responses from that post. First of all, my husband, Jaagz, posted his message in a moment when he was filled with rage. I'm a little concerned with the fact that you would respond to a one-sided posting and tell a complete stranger whom you know NOTHING about, to "turn off the computer now, and pack your things" as some sort of valid advice without knowing the full extent of the situation. And (oh my gosh) the detriment your advice could have permanantly caused. What you don't know is that Jaagz is the one with a control/anger problem and openly admits it. What you don't know is that I and "church" acquaintances have been trying to get both of us into some counseling and Jaagz has just recently agreed to it. I have wanted it for some time. What you don't know is that Jaagz and I met "online" and had an affair and I got a divorce from it. What you don't know is that from the result of it, I have been fighting for a long, hard 2 1/2 years over a custody battle with my 3 children and there is ALOT of stress involved with just that situation alone. What you don't know is that Jaagz also was married once before and divorced before I met him, and his 1st marriage ended (in what he admits was his fault). What you don't know is that in the past I have been the "Super Mom"......the "PTA Mom"........the"do everything for my kids mom"...........the "Clean the house from top to bottom in a fearless swoop Mom".........the "bake cookies and goodies for my kids/neighbors Mom" , the "Craft Queen" etc, etc...........but just recently over the last 6-7 months have finally been diagnosed with OsteoArthritis at the age of 38 and most mornings have to pull myself out of bed because I can't move because I'm stiff and I hurt so bad, I can't clean my house from roof to floor like I used to and want to because after 15 minutes to an hour, I can't move. (Cleaning just 1 bathroom on Saturday, completely wiped me out for the rest of the day) I can't stand in my Kitchen and bake cookies non-stop like I used to, because after just mixing one batch, my back is killing me and I have to go sit down because it feels like my lower back is caving in on me. My entire body constantly aches all over like I have the flu, but it's arthritis. What you don't know is that I LOVE Jaagz very much in spite of the fact when we disagree he shouts in my face and corners me up against the wall and won't let me go until I agree with his point of view. What you don't know is that Jaagz doesn't think he is winning a conversation unless he is talking/screaming louder than the other person, so he refuses to let the other person talk at all. What you don't know is that it has happened so much over the last 2 1/2 years, that I refuse to be bullied anymore, and Saturday was the first time that I completely stood my ground and refused to crumble to the floor in tears. What you don't know is that numerous other people have seen/been the brunt of his anger. Yes, I will admit that I have some issues, but not because I'm some dysfunctional psycho. Yes, I admit to a major self esteem problem that I have had "all my life" because of being constantly run into the ground and being told I'm worthless and stupid. Yes, I admit that I get frustrated and angry when things are not going right. What I do know is that I am a person who is Analytical and a Perfectionist and everything has it's order, and I get frustrated because I want to do it "myself" to ensure it gets done the way I want it, and it's frustrating not feeling/wanting to do anything because I hurt and can't complete anything before I crumble.

 

What I will say is that on the total other end of the spectrum...............when Jaagz and I are not at each other's throat over a problem/concern...........is that Jaagz has the same passion at loving as he does with anger. Jaagz is a very caring, compassionate, loving husband who I know loves me and takes care of me. Jaagz would do anything for me. Matter of fact, he just recently starting going door to door painting house numbers on the curb in an effort to raise money for me for an Attorney to help me in my custody battles with my ex-husband. And he started it on his week of vacation......he just went back to work this morning, but I know that he intends on going out after work to continue to try and earn some extra cash. He is doing that for "ME".............and I love him so much for his efforts. My advice would be to "not" prematurely tell a complete stranger to pack their bags and get out without knowing the full extent of the story or unless you have some sort of degree in the profession. To just advise someone based on a heated posting in the moment is not good for the lives of people that it affects. Now if you will excuse me, I need to go call the number that my Bishop gave me a couple days ago to set up "our" counseling sessions. Hope you have a wonderful day! JAAGZ WIFE!

[midori]

Thanks for stating the facts Tony. As the other person who first responded to Jaagz's post, I suppose I'm the other person Mrs. Jaagz is addressing.

 

I only reply to postings to which I think I might have something useful to contribute. I don't respond facetiously or with anything but the best of intentions; but as you rightly pointed out responses can only address the things that are posted. We must assume that the person writing is giving as much relevant info as they possibly can, since presumably they'd like helpful feedback. If that's not the case, if for example they're just looking for sympathy and to that end present a skewed and inaccurate picture of what's really going on -- well, then that's what they'll get. To blame us for the incomplete, biase picture her husband presented is certainly bizarre. Anyway Tony, you covered it all with intelligent verve, as you so often do. Thanks!

 

-midori

[Jaagz Wife]

Prayer is Good! Pray for yourself while your at it. You also have some sort of an anger issue you need to deal with. Birds of a feather flock together!

 

By the Way...............My husband and I are doing GREAT!

 

TA TA!!!

 

I don't normally say this to people but, lady, you have really got SERIOUS problems. We were dealing with your husband here so, unless you were looking for some feedback...which we gave you...you had absolutely no business meddling in what your husband put up here or the advice he received. Your response was not necessary or called for...and by doing that you did make this forum an element of your marital problems. This forum is not a conduit for domestic disputes. If after receiving our advice he realized he hadn't told us the full story, he would have let us know. If you were decent at all, you would be far more concerned about why YOUR HUSBAND left out all the details in his post...not why we answered the post as he presented it. If you follow your OWN advice above, you would not have meddled in your husband's participation in this forum. No further replies are necessary. I pray your husband gets through this and I can certainly understand why he posted here in anger. GEEZZEEEEE lady. Butt out of here and let your husband have some privacy and a place to get away from you. There was no reason whatsoever for you to get involved in your husband's search for peace and sanity amidst the chaos he is facing. And I also don't appreciate you implying we are idiots by stating your post didn't reflect anger and our responses didn't consider information that was not presented to us. I have no intention of engaging you further but I will be praying for your husband!!!

[midori]

yikes

[Tony T]

Crazy!!!