Guy I'm dating is very cold

[EllieDawn]

We've been dating for a few months and this guy seems to be inhuman or robotic. He doesn't ignore me and isn't mean, he can be sweet and show that he cares but there's something cold about it every time as if he goes through the motions (he hasn't shown any signs of talking to other people). I haven't seen him angry, sad, jealous, or impatient even once like a normal person gets. There's only two sides to him: he's either very dry and stoic or jokes around with his dry sense of humor. For example he goes to the gym four to five times a week despite working a lot and when I suggested for him to take a few days off, he said "I'll have enough rest in the grave." He's also very forward because on the third date when we went out to eat, he mentioned to go to his place afterwards and when I asked him why out of curiosity, his response was literally, "Because I want to put it inside of you" and all I could do was burst out in laughter (we still ended up at his place). 

The thing with him is that he's red pilled and traditional without being religious or controlling (doesn't believe in god either). On his facebook profile, he has a quote saying, "Reject modernity, embrace masculinity." He makes most of the decisions or already has the day planned out without even asking. I have to always speak up to get him to listen to consider how I feel, otherwise he just continues going with what he had in mind like a horse with blinders. We're very sexually active and unless I try to connect emotionally, he won't. Every time I try to have a serious conversation about these things, he always has to make a joke out of it. I told him he doesn't have to see everything as a competition and that he can be open with me and share his emotions and all he could say while laughing was, "You have enough girlfriends for that already." It's honestly getting old and I feel that if I end it, he would have too much pride to show that he cares. 

How should I deal with this? It's not normal for someone to be so dry, I don't know if he takes some sort of happy pill antidepressant or something. 

[BaileyB]

This wouldn’t appeal to me very much, I’m not interested in dating a man who doesn’t really connect with me... 

I’m wondering if perhaps he is on the autism spectrum? Just a curious question, as it would seem that he’s not picking up social cues and engaging with people in a very socially appropriate way. Or, perhaps he is depressed, as you say. Or maybe, this is just his personality.

I think you need to ask yourself what is important to you in a partner and decide if this relationship is meeting your needs.

Best wishes. 

Edited March 30, 2024 by BaileyB

[basil67]

44 minutes ago, EllieDawn said:

 I haven't seen him angry, sad, jealous, or impatient even once like a normal person gets.

What is "normal?"   I wonder if any situations have arisen to give him good reason to be feeling these emotions.   For instance, has he seen you talking to other men?  Has anyone or a beloved pet died? Does he need to put up with someone who's a terribly ditherer?   Is his employment or housing unstable? 

At only a few months in, I would be alarmed if I was seeing these traits without good reason

44 minutes ago, EllieDawn said:

There's only two sides to him: he's either very dry and stoic or jokes around with his dry sense of humor. For example he goes to the gym four to five times a week despite working a lot and when I suggested for him to take a few days off, he said "I'll have enough rest in the grave."

Yes, this is his routine, so it's a fair answer.   That said, if his routine doesn't leave him with enough time for you, you would be wise to reconsider the match.

44 minutes ago, EllieDawn said:

He's also very forward because on the third date when we went out to eat, he mentioned to go to his place afterwards and when I asked him why out of curiosity, his response was literally, "Because I want to put it inside of you" and all I could do was burst out in laughter (we still ended up at his place). 

It seems he read the timing perfectly and made you laugh!  And it worked!   And it least it's not cringe like "I want to make love to you"

44 minutes ago, EllieDawn said:

 The thing with him is that he's red pilled and traditional without being religious or controlling (doesn't believe in god either). On his facebook profile, he has a quote saying, "Reject modernity, embrace masculinity." 

 I wouldn't date him based on the bolded alone.  

44 minutes ago, EllieDawn said:

He makes most of the decisions or already has the day planned out without even asking. I have to always speak up to get him to listen to consider how I feel, otherwise he just continues going with what he had in mind like a horse with blinders. 

This would be very frustrating.   Again, I'm not sure I'd tolerate it for long.

44 minutes ago, EllieDawn said:

We're very sexually active and unless I try to connect emotionally, he won't.

I'm not saying that you're wrong to want this, but what exactly could he do differently?   

44 minutes ago, EllieDawn said:

Every time I try to have a serious conversation about these things, he always has to make a joke out of it. I told him he doesn't have to see everything as a competition

How often are you trying to have conversations about this?  A few tweaks here and there in the relationship are not unreasonable, but it sounds like there's an awful lot about him you wish to change.  Is it possible that he's happy with who he is and doesn't wish to change?    What's happening which makes you say that he sees everything as a competition? 

44 minutes ago, EllieDawn said:

 and that he can be open with me and share his emotions and all he could say while laughing was, "You have enough girlfriends for that already." It's honestly getting old

Ha! This is exactly what my female friends are for    I would go back to my previous question about whether anything has happened which is worth sharing emotions over. 

44 minutes ago, EllieDawn said:

and I feel that if I end it, he would have too much pride to show that he cares. 

If you were to end it, the relationship is over...therefore showing that he cares achieves nothing.   If you did choose to end it, it would be perfectly acceptable for him to say that he's disappointed but that he respects your decision.   And a deadpan reaction is actually a really great way to deal with a breakup of a relatively short term relationship - it saves you both from all the drama.   Of course it would be different if you'd been together for years. 

44 minutes ago, EllieDawn said:

How should I deal with this? It's not normal for someone to be so dry, I don't know if he takes some sort of happy pill antidepressant or something. 

There's a whole lot of this which I see as very normal for a guy.  Though as I said before, I wouldn't have gotten off the starting blocks if I'd seen his masculinity thing on FB.  And I probably wouldn't stick around for a guy who forgets to include me in planning. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. You're only dating a few months so consider cutting your losses. The first few months are the getting to know you period and what you know so far as is he treats you like a slab of meat "Because he wants to put it inside of you". 

 You also know he is heavily into the misogynistic manosphere hate groups. It's unclear why you are tolerating sure poor treatment and disrespect. Certainly you have better options than this clown. 

Edited March 30, 2024 by Wiseman2

[Gebidozo]

I wouldn’t say he is not normal, because, like Basil rhetorically asks above, “What is normal?” He is just different. He processes emotions and other issues not in the same way as you do. Either you accept him for what he is, or find someone whom you think you understand and relate to better.

That said, “reject modernity, embrace masculinity” made me cringe… and I’m a guy.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, EllieDawn said:

On his facebook profile, he has a quote saying, "Reject modernity, embrace masculinity." 

Ugh, gir. Why are you dating a guy like this? 

 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Ugh, gir. Why are you dating a guy like this? 

 

Some guys, especially young ones, believe that masculinity consists of being an insensitive, cold, emotionally crippled jerk. They have this strange idea that women are attracted to those traits. I’ve never, ever met a woman who liked that in a man.

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, EllieDawn said:

 I haven't seen him angry, sad, jealous, or impatient even once like a normal person gets.

I wonder why you think it's normal for a person to feel jealous, impatient and angry. Maybe you've been dating men out of control of their emotions? Those are negative traits you don't want to see in a man you're dating. 

9 hours ago, EllieDawn said:

when I suggested for him to take a few days off, he said "I'll have enough rest in the grave."

I say that all the time, lol. And I am far from being stoic. My mom used to say that all the time that's where I picked it. I come from a long line of hard working people who get up early and fill their day. He's showing you who he is, listen. 

You can make all the suggestions you want to a boyfriend, it's still up to him to listen or not. 

9 hours ago, EllieDawn said:

He makes most of the decisions or already has the day planned out without even asking. I have to always speak up to get him to listen to consider how I feel, otherwise he just continues going with what he had in mind like a horse with blinders

The question is: When you speak up - does he listen? Does he change his plan to accomodate you? Does he give importance to what you want after you've spoken up?To me he comes across as an organizer. As long as he is open and flexible when you speak up, I don't see it as a problem. 

9 hours ago, EllieDawn said:

unless I try to connect emotionally, he won't.

Maybe he has not developped an emotional connection yet. Maybe he doesn't feel the same way you do. Have you spoken about how you feel toward each other?

9 hours ago, EllieDawn said:

I told him he doesn't have to see everything as a competition and that he can be open with me and share his emotions

Said every young woman with little experience with men.

Men are not wired like us. They do not feel the need to share all of their insides to feel connected.  They feel connected through sex, and experiences shared together, and taking care of us in some way by helping us. 

Having conversation about your emotions...yes you keep that for your girlfriends. 

Exemple: Since I met my bf 1.5 year ago he lost 2 sisters. The last thing he needed was me saying tell me how you feel. I let him deal with his loss how he wanted to. I told him I loved him and I was there for him. That's all. He dealt with his loss with his family and his church. When he was with me he did not want to go dig in those painful feelings. 

[Alpacalia]

Well, he's certainly forward with the 3rd date bedroom zinger.  But he's back to being stoic with the rest of his life.  First, he's hitting the gym 4 to 5 times per week and then goes straight to work?  Also managing to see you a couple days a week. Sounds like his schedule is pretty busy. So, the dryness with you may have to do with how he perceives your relationship.  

I've been in LTR with men that have been very vocal about loving me and being expressive with their emotions, whereas I am a bit more reserved with expressing  my feelings. I've gotten a lot of 'you're hard to read' comments in the past. 

Honestly, it sounds like he is a bit emotionally reserved and may not feel comfortable opening up about his emotions. It's not sounding like he's dispersing affection and showing emotion, so maybe his feelings aren't there? His joke about girlfriends and sharing emotions sounds pretty revealing.  If you're seeking a man that connects emotionally, this one may be missing that part.  Unless maybe you prove to be in his life on a more consistent basis, he's going to remain the same.

Especially if he's been red pilled in any way and already has his ideas of what relationships entail, trying to change that is going to be an uphill battle. Not something worth doing, in my opinion. Sure, men and women may communicate in very different ways, but to disallow your partner to share feelings and tell you to talk to your girlfriends is a bit harsh. Maybe this is why you have other relationship -- to get advice from real women who might share similar frustrations.

This may be his idea of keeping alive the things that attracted the two of you to each other. 

But here's the main question: do you enjoy spending time and having sex with him? If he gives you good times, many people settle for this to avoid loneliness. But if you cannot "acclimate" yourself to him / his style, if the way he handles love and relationships is more of an issue than a benefit, that means you're constantly trying to convince him to be someone he's not. This means you need to move on or learn to incorporate your girls nights and alone time without expressing your feelings with your significant other.  

There's no red blinking light that is saying he's waiting to fall in love with you or share feelings. He might be saying there's just not enough to his behavior that should give you enough concern. Perhaps the time he spends with you is keeping him sufficiently satiated, so the rest of his interests really have nothing to do with you. It's good to remember that perhaps to him you are just another interest and not so much invested. 

[Foxhall]

Hes an old fashioned male I suppose, like if you think of the Clint Eastwood type characters in the movies,

a mans man who doesnt reveal much emotion, women are attracted because of his strength or stoicism, he doesnt have time for BS about feelings and so on (to his way of thinking- lol not like me who enjoys that type of talk)

He could sit for hours with other men in a pub and not speak or he is equally happy alone as a solitary ranger,

but yet hes able to find the ladies falling over him,

I guess you are attracted to him- all Id say is dont expect him to change that is the way he will be.  so either love that or move on , as he says himself you have your girlfriends to talk about feelings.

 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Foxhall said:

He could sit for hours with other men in a pub and not speak or he is equally happy alone as a solitary ranger,

but yet hes able to find the ladies falling over him,

Maybe he already has an outlet to express his feelings. Maybe he speaks to a brother, a friend or a parent. Why does he have to spill his guts to a new girlfriend?

OP: I have learn with the years here when people start their post here with 'dating a few months' it's usually no more than 3 months. Please let us know how long you've been dating? Are you exclusive?

You want him to be vulnerable with you but maybe your relationship is not solid/committed enough yet. 

[Alpacalia]

C'mon, we're not talking about her wanting to share with him what happened on the latest episode of The Bachelor. This is about their relationship. He is deflecting and making a joke about it. Once and a while it might be fine, but after awhile, it gets old fast.

[Gaeta]

17 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

C'mon, we're not talking about her wanting to share with him what happened on the latest episode of The Bachelor. This is about their relationship. He is deflecting and making a joke about it. Once and a while it might be fine, but after awhile, it gets old fast.

She says he never expresses jealousy, anger, impatience, sadness like normal people. To me it's not about their relationship, it's about him spilling his guts in general.  

What does she want out of him? She wants to hear about his trauma? 

Every time she wants to talk about 'these things'  he won't ..what things? She is not speling it out for us and , not once in her post she talks about not knowing what he feels for her....it's all about him not being angry, impatient, sad etc.

Edited March 30, 2024 by Gaeta

[Lotsgoingon]

You NEVER want to ask if this relationship or if this person's behavior is normal? That's like asking is hating a certain food normal? Or is food poisoning normal? 

The only question: are you feeling close to this guy? And are you REALLY excited about continuing with him. 

He doesn't share any feelings and he changes the subject because he wants to have sex with you AND sex with other women WITHOUT lying about it. That's why he changes the subject when it comes to defining your relationship or getting deeper into feelings or intimate thoughts. 

He wants to have sex with you--with no commitment whatsoever. And he wants to leave your body and go to someone's place and play with their body---without feeling like he owes you anything or that he betrayed you in any way. He acts confident and certain, because he's doing his red-pill thing and also because he figures you will be impressed by his certainty and alleged confidence and you won't stand up for yourself and for what you want.

Sounds to me that you are probably inexperienced in relationships and sex. No shame intended. And you aren't sure what is reasonable to expect from a man. Well guys like him can read your inexperience and they can read your insecurity about your inexperience.  Now your critical brain is kicking in and asking what's up. What's up is that you are spending time with someone who does not believe he has to pay attention to a woman's feelings--at all! He just wants to have sex with you with the absolute minimum effort possible. If your mother fell ill tomorrow and you were preoccupied or had to travel out of town, this guy would give you ZERO support or time or care. He would try to have more sex with you or dump you and move to another one of his "targets."

 

[Esteban]

Most of the first paragraph (cold, stoic etc) could describe a lot of men although I personally don't like 'put it inside of you' I think 'make love' would be better or just hint at it a bit...

Second paragraph is more concering. I agree that "Reject modernity, embrace masculinity" is concerning.

Also can you give some examples here 'He makes most of the decisions or already has the day planned out without even asking.' Is he taking decisions for days out for the both of you, that doesn't seem good.

It's hard to judge these things without hearing his side of the story, or knowing everything, but overall I'd say dumping him is worth at least considering.

Sex shouldn't be a major factor in a relationship if you are asking if someone is 'the one' because there tends to be less and less of it as people get older. Imagine what your life would be like if you grew old together and neither of you wanted much or any sex at all.

[basil67]

18 hours ago, EllieDawn said:

I haven't seen him angry, sad, jealous, or impatient even once like a normal person gets

Just thinking....I'm female and don't go through these emotions in the space of a few months.  But one of my friends does and it's exhausting for her...and she also needs therapy.  While I don't ascribe to "normal", I would suggest that this intensity of emotional reaction isn't terribly common.   

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

She says he never expresses jealousy, anger, impatience, sadness like normal people. To me it's not about their relationship, it's about him spilling his guts in general.  

What does she want out of him? She wants to hear about his trauma? 

Every time she wants to talk about 'these things'  he won't ..what things? She is not speling it out for us and , not once in her post she talks about not knowing what he feels for her....it's all about him not being angry, impatient, sad etc.

I think she's inferring that he doesn't show any emotions or vulnerability, which can be a problem for her. It's not necessarily about wanting him to share personal traumas or drama, but just being able to connect on a deeper level.

Sure, it may sound weird or uncomfortable, and brushing off serious conversations with jokes or acting stoic all the time is off-putting. I don't think she was looking for him to share his deepest insecurities, just for him to be a bit more expressive with her. Maybe share his feelings about her, the relationship, or even something as simple as asking about her day and showing genuine interest.

The sense I am getting from this guy is that he is a bit of a  'bro' stereotype. He takes himself seriously but not much else.

Suffice to say, if you're looking for a more emotionally expressive and vulnerable partner, this guy may not be the right fit for you. 

[Lotsgoingon]

1 hour ago, happyhorizons said:

The replies seem to be quite varied. For me, I simply think HE should treat her with as much respect and dignity as he can muster. 

What?!

That's the whole point of his behavior: to not treat her with respect and dignity. 

[EllieDawn]

We just got into it and I saved the text messages. I stopped responding and he hasn't said anything else either. I showed it to a friend and she said it's only a matter of time before I wake up to my phone blowing up as long as I don't say anything else 

Edited April 1, 2024 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Gebidozo]

13 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Men are not wired like us. They do not feel the need to share all of their insides to feel connected.  They feel connected through sex, and experiences shared together, and taking care of us in some way by helping us. 

 

Small correction - not all men are wired like that. I, for example, am just the opposite: I need to share what I feel through conversation, I need verbal feedback to stay connected. My best friend is like that, too. My fiancée, on the other hand, prefers to deal with her problems on her own. When she feels bad, she doesn’t want to open up, she just needs silent support. I guess people, in general, are different in that respect.

[Wiseman2]

This isn't about how emotional men are or stoic Clint Eastwood types. This is about an abusive jerk who treats you poorly. 

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

Just thinking....I'm female and don't go through these emotions in the space of a few months.  But one of my friends does and it's exhausting for her...and she also needs therapy.  While I don't ascribe to "normal", I would suggest that this intensity of emotional reaction isn't terribly common.   

I can testify that jealousy and anger don’t necessarily correlate with the intensity of feeling for the partner. They could be just manifestations of insecurity and psychological problems.

Then again, it could be that OP’s BF is never jealous simply because he doesn’t care. It’s hard to say what it is exactly in this case. Judging by that “embracing masculinity” thing of his, I’d say he is just being a young, silly kid trying to act like what he perceives as a “real man”. He’s probably repressing his emotions and is ashamed of being vulnerable.

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

The sense I am getting from this guy is that he is a bit of a  'bro' stereotype. He takes himself seriously but not much else.

Suffice to say, if you're looking for a more emotionally expressive and vulnerable partner, this guy may not be the right fit for you. 

I think so too. He seems immature in that cartoonish “I wanna be a tough guy” high-school boy way.

[Alpacalia]

35 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I think so too. He seems immature in that cartoonish “I wanna be a tough guy” high-school boy way.

Yeah...

I just wanted to point it out because he's obviously not opening up to her so she's confused. Before anyone knew about the red pill people acted like normal human beings.

I think EllieDawn that you need to know that he was "acting" normal, not really trying to make an honest connection and completely dismissive and unable to engage in any kind of serious conversation. To shut it down and not engage in a way that makes you feel included, your presence is just another small notch on his hickory stick slash bucket list of experiences.

Hopefully you have no problem determining your 'enough' and 'enoughs' to warrant exiting this relationship, with at least what you've learned.

[Alpacalia]

11 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Red Pill??? that lost me but I do agree that exiting this "relationship" seems to be the wisest of moves.  

It was mentioned in the original post by the OP that the guy was heavily into red pill beliefs. I was just referencing it. But yes, exiting the relationship seems like the best move.