Intimacy gone and need help

[Carthmason]

My wife and I have been married for over a year. But let's go back to the begging. We were married before for 10 years. Due to a communication problem I found a new partner. Said partner has passed away from cancer and first wife and I have gotten back together.

 

Over the last 10 years she has had three different types of cancer and survived all of then. 2 different variations of breast cancer and cervical.  This being said. She has lost her lady parts and her breast. She now feels like sex is just not something she likes. 

 

So my question is what as her parent am I to do for my own enjoyment. Plus the fact that everyday I see this woman I love and she doesn't want me sexually at all. I have a want to provide her and her to provide for me. 

 

So putting it out there friends. What should I do or think or act or what ever. 

 

Thanks 

[basil67]

I can't imagine how devastating it must be for her to have not only battled and survived cancer three times over ten years, but to have also lost my "lady parts" and sex drive.  And I'm going to take a wile guess that her hormones are no longer functional.  It's completely understandable that she doesn't want sex.  

Alternately, perhaps she did have a sex drive when you re-married her a year ago.  If so, has she been ill again since then?   If she hasn't been ill, then perhaps she's lost her sex drive because of something you've done.

I suggest you go have a w@nk

 

 

[Gaeta]

What she went through is horrible but why didn't she have a breast reconstruction? Where I live when a woman loses a breast to cancer the plastic surgeon is right there in the operating room to replace the breast. My mother and my colleague lost a breast to cancer they both had reconstructive surgery right away. Did she lose her ovaries? is she on hormone therapy?

Your wife needs to talk about all this to her doctor. Nowadays we can turn a woman into a man and vice versa, there is a solution for her but she needs to seek that solution. 

Edited March 31, 2024 by Gaeta

[Carthmason]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

What she went through is horrible but why didn't she have a breast reconstruction? Where I live when a woman loses a breast to cancer the plastic surgeon is right there in the operating room to replace the breast. My mother and my colleague lost a breast to cancer they both had reconstructive surgery right away. Did she lose her ovaries? is she on hormone therapy?

Your wife needs to talk about all this to her doctor. Nowadays we can turn a woman into a man and vice versa, there is a solution for her but she needs to seek that solution. 

She had the reconstruction done. However one implant is leaking and must be pulled out. Therefore, they have decided to no reimplant. So she will have nothing but flat skin. 

She says the cancer took all of it and left her with no felling in any of those area. That no breasts or womb for keeling. Sex doesn't make her happy. That only oral sex and she hates that. 

[Gaeta]

8 hours ago, Carthmason said:

Sex doesn't make her happy. That only oral sex and she hates that

Then you can ask if she'd be ok openning the relationship so you can discretely get your needs met. If she is not open to that then she expects you'll spend the rest of your life without intimicy? It's a matter of time before your love for her turns into resentment.

[basil67]

Did she have a sex drive when you re-married her?

[OldManThinking]

On 3/31/2024 at 4:25 AM, Carthmason said:

My wife and I have been married for over a year. But let's go back to the begging. We were married before for 10 years. Due to a communication problem I found a new partner. Said partner has passed away from cancer and first wife and I have gotten back together.

 

Over the last 10 years she has had three different types of cancer and survived all of then. 2 different variations of breast cancer and cervical.  This being said. She has lost her lady parts and her breast. She now feels like sex is just not something she likes. 

 

So my question is what as her parent am I to do for my own enjoyment. Plus the fact that everyday I see this woman I love and she doesn't want me sexually at all. I have a want to provide her and her to provide for me. 

 

So putting it out there friends. What should I do or think or act or what ever. 

 

Thanks 

Whoa.  That's heavy.  You don't give your ages?

Firstly, I think she should be checked when it comes to her hormone levels.  If she's low, a doctor will be able to give her replacements. 

Saying that, there are two elements to this, firstly the hormones, but secondly - and perhaps far more important - is the psychological effect on your wife.  In fact, that is likely the biggest problem, and the most difficult to deal with.  She needs some counseling. 

Read this:  https://breastcancernow.org/about-breast-cancer/life-after-treatment/sex-after-breast-cancer/

On top of that, two things:

1)  There are sexual acts that don't require penetrative action.  Oral sex is a thing.

2) Considering going outside the marriage to satisfy your urges is a NO-NO.  Don't do it.

When you marry, remember the "better or worse" thing.  Your wife has been through hell and back.  She has been crushed, changed, and she needs all the love and caring you can give.  You must sacrifice for her.  That means, staying within the marriage for all your needs, denying those that can't immediately be fixed.  In other words, you're not going to be able to have sex for a while, not until she finds a solution.

Your wife needs you now more than ever.  She doubts herself, she feels less of a woman.  But, she has her life partner - you.  You're going to have to do the heavy lifting.  It won't all feel good, and you might feel you're losing something too.  But, the biggest loss would be your marriage, your life commitment, to the woman you love. 

Your marriage is going through a difficult, pivotal, moment.  You BOTH need to go through it.  Your reward, eventually, will be knowing you helped your wife return from the edge of a terrible outcome.  It's time for you to work.

 

IMO.