Advice Please

[tony27594]

Hi, I'm just after advice really after a very bad night with my girlfriend. We have been going out for just over a year, things were going great, not perfect, but, you know, not bad at all.

 

Last night we went into town and had a few (too many) drinks. We had a good night. We went back to her house and went to bed, and I seriously messed up. I mean badly. She said something to me, nothing bad, and i just flipped for no reason at all.

 

This is the text message she sent me this morning:

I couldn't believe you last night, you were so nasty. I asked you to move over in bed and you said f**kin ell steph, how much room do you need, how much do you eat? I told you to f**k off and that i didn't love you anymore and then you said that you didn't love me either and that you didn't even find me attractive and that you thought i was disgusting, so i said the same to you and then you ripped the covers off me, climbed on top of me and started to put your fingers inside me, i told you to stop but you wouldn't so i grabbed your throat. I managed to get away and go downstairs but you followed me and spat in my face. I told you to leave, you did, so i shut the door behind you and locked it. You kept knocking but i wouldn't let you in and you smashed the window.

 

Now you have got to understand that this is completely out of character for me. Cos I imagine anyone reading this will think I am sick. (Rightly so, I think that too) I admit I am 100% to blame on this one. I just don't know what happened. I am disgusted with myself. I am 25 and have never done anything like this before.

 

I know I was drunk, and would like to blame it on that, but in reality you cant. It has scared me, how do I know i wont do this again? or worse?

[JadeStar]

You said you know you were drunk, well thats probably where your actions stemmed from then. I would say lay off the booze if you feel its gonna alter your personality and cause you to act out of character.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[slubberdegullion]

Jade is right; it was the booze talking. Thankfully, it's an easy problem to solve: lay off the drink.

 

Patching things up with your gf may be a little more difficult. You're dependent upon her grace here, but at the same time it's not appropriate to apologize continually or pay for this for the rest of your days.

 

So apologize once, sincerely. The rest of it will have to be up to her.

 

Good luck.

 

and lay off the booze.

[tony27594]

Thanks guys, doesn't seem quite so bad today, I was a right mess yesterday. Altough I did have some wierd dream last night that I was running away from myself and I woke up really scared!! Very strange, I dont normally remember any dreams I have.

 

Aranged to get her window sorted, and been down to hers to drop the money for it off. She's talking to me, which is a start! But I just can't see us getting back together, which is a real shame cos things were going great before.

 

I want to promise that I would never do anything again like that. But how can I when i dont believe it 100% myself. The last thing I want to do is hurt her, and if to do that means not getting back with her then that is what I will do.

 

The whole drink culture here is different, and going to the pub on a friday or saturday night is just what you do. I'm not normally a big drinker, which is maybe why my behaviour was so bad. I think what I am trying to say is, I would find it very hard to give up booze altogether, not cos I am an alcoholic, just that it would change my life a lot, some of my friends I only see in the pub. But I am most definatly determined not to get into a drunken state like the other night. The problem is that that last bit is very easy to say when your sober, but after a couple of beers, it can become harder knowing when to stop.

 

Writing that whole last paragraph has scared me a bit, I'm begining to wonder if I do have a drink problem. What do you people think?

 

And any tips on patching things up with my girlfriend? She says she knows I am sorry, but can't forgive me. The worst bit is I cant really blame her. If I was her, I wouldnt take me back, so what hope have I got of getting her back.

[bluechocolate]

You are more than dependent on her grace here. What you did was assault, sexual assault & property damage. It's possible you could end up with a custodial sentence if she went to the police.

 

This sounds like an unprovoked attack from you. Alcohol was certainly a factor, but not necessarily the only one. Don't kid yourself that if you just refrain from getting too plastered it will never happen again.

 

I guarantee you that if she had come on here & described what happened there would be a chorus of people telling her to dump your sorry a$$ & call the police.

 

Once incident doesn't make you a serial abuser but there is a first time for everything, isn't there? Maybe you should try to understand better why you behaved this way? You know those ads they've been running over here (I'm in the UK too) about men hitting their wives or girlfriends? Call the number. Talk to somebody and just hear what they have to say.

[JadeStar]

Wheather its a cultural thing or not to go to the pub every friday and saturday night, its still also a choice. You choose to go because you want to hang out with your friends etc. Thats fine, but maybe limit your alcohol intake. Cut yourself off after so many.

 

" I would find it very hard to give up booze altogether, not that I'm an alcoholic, but because it would change my life alot."

 

People do not have to be a fallen down drunk to be considered an alcoholic. I have delt with this issue is the past with my husband. Anyone who feels the need to drink a certain amount right often, (even every fri, and sat) is considered someone with a drinking problem.

 

You say because you think it would change your life alot to give it up, then hopefully it would change it for the better. I'm not saying give it up altogether if you feel you can't, but at least start with how often you drink and your intake. You don't have to prove anything to your friends if you don't drink.

 

 

 

Jade

[tony27594]

Thanks for the reply, it hurt a bit to read that, but there's deffinatly truth in there and what I needed to hear. Not sure about them ads, haven't seen them, any more info on that one, cos when I came on the net it was to look for help, but not really knowing who to ring, where to look, or what to google for I was a bit stuck from square 1!

[tony27594]

I'm not down the pub every Friday and Saturday religiously. Maybe once a week, and often it is literally for a pint or two. So I don't see how often I drink as being a problem, its just the amount, knowing when to stop I think.

 

And thanks for the replys, I didnt even expect people to bother with me from my first post, as I really do come across as a complete d**khead!

[C A]

I think you had a wake up call. Now, if you do anything about it is up to you.

 

Do you have alcoholics in your family? I suspect you do. I think the anger that came out had to do with repressed anger and nothing to do with her.

 

If I am right, it will raise its ugly head again. The next time you may (or she may) not be so lucky. If you care anything about your "girl friend" let her go. If she cares anything about herself she will let you go.

 

You might look into AA or Adult Children of Alcoholics. You may be surprised to fine both male and females with similar issues.

 

Please understand that I am a recovering "love addict". None of what I have suggested is going to be easy and it is opinion based on similar issues.

[tony27594]

CA, I see where your coming from here, but first of all, there are no alcoholics in my family, I have never been a big drinker, since getting with my girlfriend, I have seen her auntie pass away due to alcohol abuse, that put me off drinking even more. Infact my gf drinks more than I do, I was disgusted one day when I went round at about 2pm and she was drunk. So even if I do have a problem, I think that most of my attitude towards drink is right. If you know what I mean. Not trying to justify anything here.

 

If I do let her go, can I really trust myself around any girl? Because surely in the future if I get with another girl there is just as much potential for it to happen again.

 

The coment about repressed anger seems right. I had no reason to be mad at her. Do you think counceling would help here?

[bluechocolate]

tony27594

 

This is what I could come up with from the Met Office:

 

Are you worried about your behaviour towards your partner? If you have been abusive or violent call the Respect phoneline on 0845 122 8609.

 

Respect also has a website - respect.uk.net (link through their name above) - gives you an idea of what they're about, but that's about it. Best bet is to try the number.

 

December 30th the line is open 10am - 1pm / 2pm - 5pm, then I guess they close again until the new year.

 

Cheers

[Outcast]

The problem is that that last bit is very easy to say when your sober, but after a couple of beers, it can become harder knowing when to stop.

 

Then have one and switch to non-alcoholic drinks. Your nation is known now for widespread alcoholism - a disease which can lead to early death. Just because 'everybody else is doing it' has never been a good reason to do anything. You'll be in the pub with your friends and you'll be drinking - you don't have to be drinking things with alcohol in them.

 

Writing that whole last paragraph has scared me a bit, I'm begining to wonder if I do have a drink problem. What do you people think?

 

If you 'can't stop' after a couple then yes you do. By contrast, I rarely drink when I'm out and if I have a drink, I have A drink and stop. I have never had trouble stopping drinking.

 

And any tips on patching things up with my girlfriend? She says she knows I am sorry, but can't forgive me. The worst bit is I cant really blame her. If I was her, I wouldnt take me back, so what hope have I got of getting her back.

 

None. With good reason. If alcohol triggers violence in you and you continue to drink, there's no guarantee that you won't do it again. Yes, by all means go to counselling and find out about if you're suffering from repressed anger or depression. After all, plenty of people drink but not all of them get violent so you must find out what caused the violence.

 

I congratulate you on being concerned about your behaviour and willing to do something about it. If you nip it in the bud, you may be able to change. It will be too late for this girl but, hopefully, not for another girl at another time.

[tony27594]

Thanks again for the replies

 

BlueChocolate: Thanks very much for the number, having a look around their website now and will give them a call.

 

Been to see my sister earlier, didn't tell her quite the full story, but she also recommended a counselor.

 

I have been to see a counselor in the past, I was off work for a period a few years back with depression. I dont seem to be depressed, I mean I don't have the feelings I had during that period. I'm obviously down at the moment, but a few days back everything was going just fine, and I was happy with the way like was going, so I dont see that as a reason for my actions. I'm not sure if it is something to do with my depressed stage or something in the past that I have never dealt with, I guess going back to a counselor will tell.

 

And thanks for the words of support Outcast. I will get to the bottom of all this and sort myself out. I hate abusive guys; I hate myself now but I'm trying to use that to be determined to change.

[SuperMonk]

Chairman Mao once said "Religion is Poison" SuperMonk once also said "Alcohol is Poison"

 

- head my words, and remember alpha male on this site is g@y.

 

[tony27594]

Cant ring that respect line till tomorrow so i have been doing some research on the net and it is looking more like an anger management issue than a domestic violence perpetrator one. My reason is this:

 

How are perpetrator programmes different from anger management groups?

Anger management groups usually teach short-term techniques to help individuals modify their reactions to chronic feelings of anger, whereas domestic violence perpetrator programmes are targeted at those who have a problem with violence towards their partner. While many abusive men describe themselves as having a problem controlling their anger, in cases of domestic violence anger is not the issue.

 

• Domestic violence perpetrators are extremely selective about who they behave violently towards and the level of severity of that violence. They might feel angry at their boss, their father, their partner - but only choose to use violence against their partner. Rather than being out of control, their behaviour is about controlling.
  
• Not all of men's violence is about anger. Abusive men learn to label all powerful emotional states as anger, when in fact they also experience more vulnerable feelings of fear, hurt, powerlessness and betrayal.
  
• So for example if she has come home late he might feel a mixture of feelings - worry, upset, jealousy - as well as anger. Perpetrator programmes explore the underlying emotions and thoughts at the time of an assault rather than address control of the mislabelled anger.
  

 

found here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/domestic_violence/pphh_index.shtml

 

What route do you guys think I should be taking, I mean what do you think is the underlying problem, except obviously the drink, should I be looking towards anger management? or domestic violence perpetrator stuff? Or just traditional counseling? or something else I havent considered?

[Outcast]

Start by calling those people and ask your questions. Any expert in any of the fields should be better able to sort out which is the most appropriate approach for you after talking to you for a while and asking the right questions.

[NatoPMT]

Do you recall what happened? You gave us her account, so had you blacked out?

 

The drinking culture in the UK disguises emerging problems with alcohol. The path of least resistance here is to hope it was alcohol that promted your behaviour. I hope someone will correct me if i am wrong and offer a bit more on this, but as there are good and bad counsellors, if you go to an alcohol counseller they may weight your treatment to alcohol related? Having been in a position where i have done a STUPID thing while blacked out, i know it wasnt the alcohol that made me do it, the alcohol just facilitated my behaviour.

 

Do you have anger issues in any other area of your life? Speak to as many organisations as you can, alcohol related, domestic abuse etc and get advice on where to go next, there is a website for the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy that might help:

 

http://www.bacp.co.uk/

 

BB

[tony27594]

To be honest I don't remember most of it. The little bits I do remember were as if it was someone else in control. The only thing I can liken it to is when your about 3 years old and you have a really bad "paddy" and your running riot. You have no control over yourself but at the age of three, it isn't a big problem as your folks can stop you before you do something bad. But 22 years on, and there is only you and your girlfriend there, it is an extremely scary thought. And no, I don't think I have ever felt this way between the ages of 3 and 25. The only similar thing, but no where near as bad is when I got into a fight at school once, you know, adrenaline running and stuff. But that wasn't half as bad as this.

 

I am not generally an angry person. It usually takes me a lot to make me mad. This gives me less understanding as to what wound me up in the first place.

 

I am in completely two minds over whether to blame the drink or not. I know it contributed to the situation, I can guarantee it wouldn't have happened if I was sober. But was it just the drink? I don't know.

 

If it was just drink, then the answer is to never ever get my self into a drunken state again. Simple.

 

But I keep thinking there was more to it. I think that one of the effects of alcohol is that it amplifies your feelings, generally, if your happy and you drink, you feel happier, if your sad and you drink, it often makes you worse. This is how I see it anyway, and using that logic there must have been another (sick) part of me that wanted to do those things, or that may have done them anyway, it just took something to trigger them off, I don't know. Maybe my logic only applies to a certain level of drunkenness, perhaps when your very drink, parts of your bran stop functioning altogether and maybe it was the normal side that cut off, the part that tells you the things you are doing are wrong which may explain why I couldn't tell myself to stop, or I didn't feel I had to at the time. Very scary.

 

I will ring around a few people after lunch, and try and get some answers. I'll let you know what I find.

[Wintersbloom]

You say you were drinking and that your girlfriend for over a year tells you the next morning that you became belligerent, violent and verbally abusive.

 

You have been with your girlfriend for a year, so I think it is a safe guess you would not stay with her if she were a manipulative liar.

 

If you behaved like this all of the time, I think it is a safe guess that she would not be staying with you.

 

You blacked out, it happens to many ppl when they use drugs or drink. This may be a nice excuse for how you behaved that night. But, what is more concerning is, when you are in a black out, you have no control over your actions, and no recollection of them later. Many are serving sentences for horrific crimes commited during a black out or a drunken rage. You don't want to be one of them. Waking up with no recollection of what you did or who you did it to.

 

I would recommend you avoid drinking, especially to the extent you did that night to avoid finding yourself in a pool of blood not knowing how you got there.

 

The conversation with your GF....no matter what state you were in, many of us woman, know what a man says in rage, in his sleep, or the heat of the moment, exists in his mind somewhere. If you deny these thoughts, many of us conclude you are lying and hiding your true feelings. It's best to just accept it, tell her the truth, I am not aware of these thoughts if they exist in my subconscious, I am sorry for saying these things to you no matter what. Then try to reassure her that any critical comments were not how you feel, ensure her that you loves me and that he values her and your relationship.

 

Good luck~

Peace~

[tony27594]

Thanks Winterbloom. I do trust her, and have no doubt in my mind that everything she said is true. I have just been to see her, and I am hopefull that I will be given another chance, I don't deserve it, but am extremely grateful that she has found it within herself to offer me that chance. We have talked alot about the whole event, I have found out more details that I am disgusted about, but would rather not go into detail. And I have also promised (a promise which I am sure I will keep) that I will get some help. I rang the respect number today, and they were a bit helpful, but I'm not sure the service they offer is what I require, as I have never tried to be controlling towards her and It is not something that has been going on for a period of time. I've got to say, it is very hard to tell someone that you have sexually abused your girlfried, harder than it was to put the first post on this forum. But I think it will get easier.

 

I'd like to talk to a member of my family or friend, but I am disgusted at the whole thing, and don't want people thinking any different of me for it. But at the same time, by keeping quiet I feel as though I am pretending it never happened. I would find it easier talking with a complete stranger. Hmm.. I'm so lost.

 

I'm just so happy that I dont think I have lost everything. Thanks again for peoples help. Keep up the good work, and a great forum.

[bluechocolate]

I rang the respect number today, and they were a bit helpful, but I'm not sure the service they offer is what I require, as I have never tried to be controlling towards her and It is not something that has been going on for a period of time.

 

After having a read around their website I was wondering if they would be of much help, but I thought it was worth a try.

 

I've got to say, it is very hard to tell someone that you have sexually abused your girlfried, harder than it was to put the first post on this forum.

 

I imagine it was!

 

I would find it easier talking with a complete stranger.

 

Which is what you've done - here & with Respect.

 

You can have a word with your GP & get a referral to talk to a counselor or a therapist. It would certainly be easier confiding to someone like that first than to a friend or family member. They could also have some pointers on how, or even if, you should go about it.

 

I don't think there is any harm in exploring this in an attempt to understand what happened & how to avoid it ever happening again. In fact, I think it's commendable. No doubt your g/friend would think the same, she may even go with you.

 

Good luck.

[Geoffrey]

....is that excessive drinking can RUIN a perfectly good relationship. I know from my own experiences. Read my posts in other threads (such as "have you ever left an alcoholic you are madly in love with?") to see my sad tale.

 

You do not sound like a bad man at all. All is not lost. Things like this should be interpreted as a very close, loud warning shot across the bow, if ya know what I mean! I had several incidents like yours in my last relationship, only it was her who was completely out of control (and still is - only without me).

 

Get going, and good luck, brother.

[NYCmitch25]

I wonder if you have hostility towards her which only came out after your inhibitions were lowered from the booze? Have you done this before? And is your family dysfunctional?

[tony27594]

Mitch, I wondered about the hostility, but none I know of. I have never ever done this before. And as for the dysfunctional family bit, my folks were together when I was growing up, they split up a couple years before I moved out. I still get on with both of them, although they do not speak to each other.

 

Geoffrey, I have actually read your posts before you posted on here. Hope it all goes well for you. And thanks for the supportive words.

 

I spent new year and the rest of my holidays with my gf, and it was excellent. Had a great time and seemed to get on great. Had two beers the whole time, so not bad! (Would normally be rather drunk on new years eve)

 

However since then shes been feeling bad about her self for taking me back, and this comes out at anger towards me. She went mad yesterday and put the phone down on me. I'm not complaining about this, I understand her feelings, and hopefully it will die down over time. If not then it is time to call it a day, but I really don't want to do this, my lone days after the incident made me realise how much I love her and want to be with her.

 

She seems to think I have just forgot about the whole thing. I haven't, it keeps me awake at night. To be honest I have been a little slow about getting any sort of professional help, but I still fully intend to do that. Like I said earlier I spent the rest of the holidays at hers, I have just been very busy at work and not had much chance in the evenings this week so far. Apart from the lack of time, other reasons/excuses are still not knowing who to go to, and, TBH being scared of getting help. I'll get there though, somehow!

[littlekitty]

- head my words, and remember alpha male on this site is g@y.

 

 

:lmao: