help!! his Emails indicate he has someone on the side, i thought we were serious!!

[AlwaysHope]

my boyfriend and i are seniors in college, are about to graduate, and have been together for more than a year. we are definitely serious about each other, or so i thought.

 

he's home in texas for the holidays, and i'm still in alabama, so we're long distance over the break.

 

the past few days i've been having what you could call "women's intuition" that something isn't right. his voice sounds different over the phone, he's been short-tempered and moody, and he isn't as attentive and interested in our conversations as he normally is.

 

here's the part where people are going to tell me "you deserve it:" this morning, out of curiosity and boredom, i checked his Email. (he gave me the password, so it's not like he doesn't know i have it). in his box were several messages from girls he knows in texas. one of them said, "i'm so sorry for what happened the other night. it was inappropriate and i hope it doesn't turn out to be hurtful." hmmmm.

 

the others which raised suspicion were incoming and outgoing messages arranging dinners and meetings between him and two or three girls. one of his messages was from my boyfriend to a girl he apparently hadn't seen in a while, and it read, "wow, so you definitely got hot."

 

this hurts SO MUCH because i'm here at home on a diet and working out every day to get in shape for his visit on january 3rd, which is my birthday. it kills me to know that i am working so hard to please this man, and he's over in texas flirting and doing things that he KNOWS would break my heart.

 

this is destroying me because i thought he was serious enough about me not to behave like that anymore. i've also asked him if anything has happened while we've been apart that might hurt me, and he has absolutely denied that even one incident has occurred. he's been telling me, "i haven't even seen one girl. i've been out with my guy friends every night!" which obviously isn't true.

 

i can't say, "hey i was reading your Email and saw that you're going out with girls behind my back." how do i approach this? how do i find out if something is actually going on? am i overreacting?

 

i really need some advice. thanks so much.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. i can't say, "hey i was reading your Email and saw that you're going out with girls behind my back."

2. how do i approach this?

3. how do i find out if something is actually going on?

 

1. You are right. Approaching it that way will get you nowhere - he will make that the issue, and take focus off the issue at hand.

 

2. So, you have to make sure you keep it on the issue at hand. Something like this conversation. Remember: acknowledge what he says but do not defend your actions or answer to them. Simply acknowledge, apologize and then make your point. Repeat as often as necessary. Do not get angry, cry, fight back or plead. You've lost as soon as you do.

 

YOU: I have something to tell you. I apologize for violating your privacy, but I had a feeling something wasn't right and I checked your email and found messages that told me my gut instincts were right. I saw inappropriate contact with other girls.

 

HIM: What? You checked my email? How dare you violate my privacy like that?

 

YOU: I know I was wrong to violate your privacy and I apologize. This isn't about that though. This is about inappropriate contact between you and these girls. I knew something was going on when (insert a description of his behavior here that gave you the instincts), and it turns out I was right.

 

HIM: You are nuts. Those girls are just friends - there is nothing going on and if you saw something then its your fault for looking.

 

YOU: I'm sorry, but the interaction I saw was not what I call 'friends' and we need to talk about that.

 

HIM: Stop being so paranoid.

 

YOU: This isn't about me being paranoid. This is about these girls that you call friends that I saw inappropriate contact with - contact that shows me that they are more than what I can accept as 'friends' within our relationship.

 

HIM: You just want to control me and tell me who I can and can't be friends with.

 

YOU: This isn't about control issues. This is about those girls that you call friends that I saw inappropriate contact with - contact that shows me that they are more than what I can accept as 'friends' within our relationship. We need to talk about these 'friends' and what we can or cannot accept about them within our relationship.

 

HIM: Stop being this way - you were wrong for checking my email.

 

YOU: I know, and I'm sorry, but this isn't about checking the email. This is about those girls that you call friends that I saw inappropriate contact with - contact that shows me that they are more than what I can accept as 'friends' within our relationship. We need to talk about these 'friends' and what we can or cannot accept about them within our relationship.

 

HIM: (probably will get angry and defensive and as soon as he does and starts showing anger, stop the conversation)

 

YOU: We can't talk like this and get anything resolved. Lets talk about this tomorrow when you cool off some.

 

3. You won't know for sure if anything happened unless he tells you. If you can maintain the above, perhaps he'll crack - perhaps not, but at the very least you'll be talking about the issue and not arguing about stuff that distracts from the issue.

[933KJL]

I am not so sure this could be innocent. Hey somethign might have happened but whatever it was, he apparently told her it was inappropriate (you) and the girl apologized.

 

As for the you grew hot comment--well if he had not seen an old friend, that seems like a legitimate comment coming from a 21 yr old.

 

When was the last time he was home?

 

I might not bring it up just yet, check your intuition in January

[EnigmaXOXO]

i can't say, "hey i was reading your Email and saw that you're going out with girls behind my back."

 

Why not?

 

He gave you the password, so why would he be surprised to discover that in a moment of reasonable doubt, you actually found the courage to use it and check things out for yourself before coming to any unfair assumptions based on 'gut feelings' alone?

 

A lot of people pay big bucks to a private detective to do the dirty work for them with the same results.

 

So, apologize for being a frugal snoop … but confront him with what you found and request some honest answers. Don't allow yourself to be anesthetized with lies and half-truths or let him turn this around on you by putting you on some convenient guilt trip. Let truth be your shield and accept nothing less in return from him.

 

OR … having already found the evidence, spare yourself the ol' player's song and dance and decide you deserve better treatment … and move on. You can provide your own closure without torturing yourself by turning that privilege over to him.

 

Hold your head up. You have done nothing to be ashamed of, unless you've been less-than-honorable in his absence as well.

[AlwaysHope]

"When was the last time he was home?

 

I might not bring it up just yet, check your intuition in January"

 

in response to 933KJL, he was here at my parents' home just a couple of weeks ago. we had christmas with my parents, exchanged gifts, and had a really nice time.

 

i've been thinking about this while on the treadmill (where my most rational thinking gets done). i came to the conclusion that since i have previously harped on him for "something being wrong," and since i, personally, have issues trusting people (not trust issues specifically with him but in general), confronting this as a cheating offense is not the way to go for us. he will probably a) blow up at me for raising the issue again of not trusting him b) lose any trust in me because i snooped in his Email. those are not things i want to happen.

 

so how about this idea? since i am trying to learn to trust him anyway, and don't really want to jump to conclusions that could destroy our relationship, i may have found a better approach than confrontation. i'd say to him, "look, i know i've been giving you a hard time because i've felt like something is wrong or 'off' between us. but i want to be able to trust you. ((this is true too!!!)) i hope that if anything has happened while we've been apart that would hurt me, you have dealt with it with me in mind and with respect for our relationship out of your love for me. i know you care for me and would never do or say anything that would hurt me if i knew about it." and maybe he'd stop doing whatever he was doing, just maybe, if he realized what we have together and was reminded of how deep down he doesn't want to hurt me?

 

even though this crap has happened, i know he loves me (we've been through SO much together), and i don't think anything physical has happened between him and anyone else. he has told me before many times that he could never cheat and then look me in the eye. that is at least somewhat comforting. i guess i'm hoping that by reminding him of our love and the relationship we've worked so hard to build, he'll stop his weird flirty behavior before it gets out of hand.

 

so yeah, i think i'd like to wait until january, not check his Email anymore so i don't have a heart attack, and see how he acts towards me when we're together again. hopefully my birthday present will be getting my relationship back intact!!!