SURVEY-OPINIONS PLEASE!!! Is this normal?

[Chibaby]

I need opinions. My fiancé and I broke up for a 3 week period. Prior to this, and during the breakup, he became close to a few girls at work. Part of the reason for the breakup he began a closer friendship with one of the girls. I don't have a problem with him making female friends, but I felt very excluded by their friendship. He gets very defensive about her when I bring her up, and it appears he really wants to maintain a close friendship with her, yet he seems to think I hate her- I don't...I don't even know her.

 

This is the type of friendship where he confides in her and looks to her for advice. I felt uncomfortable with them text messaging and calling back and fourth several times a day, and now that we are back together, it still bothers me. He says the behavior will stop now that we are back together. I made it known to him that I don't feel comfortable with this behavior, and that if he chooses to be friends with her on a non-professional level, that I would like to establish a friendship with her as well, which I don't think is unreasonable.

 

I am not worried about him wanting to be with her, but I think she does see something in him. He sees her as "one of the guys" but the way they communicate, she seems interested to me. She doesn't seem to be interested in a friendship with any of the other guys around the office, yet he defends her saying that they sit together (cubicles....lots of others around to be friends with if you choose to).

 

Some days he will text and phone her more times a day then he talks to me, and even on their days off and weekends. Perhaps I am just being sensitive? He has several other female friends he keeps in touch with, but the difference is they have been there since we first began dating, and I've established friendships with them.

 

I have never experienced him making new female friends that he hangs out with on an everyday basis, who know all about my private life with him, yet who I don't know at all. Is it normal practice for engaged or married men to have this type of relationship with other female co-workers? Is it normal for engaged and married men to be text messaging and calling other women every day? It's hard for me to imagine being married and having my husband text messaging another female back and fourth all day long.

 

Am I being unreasonable? Should I just accept this behavior as friendly? Do I even have something to be upset about or should I just let it go? Opinions???

[bluechocolate]

Is it normal practice for engaged or married men to have this type of relationship with other female co-workers? Is it normal for engaged and married men to be text messaging and calling other women every day?

 

Assuming these communications are not work related - No. It is not normal.

 

....but I felt very excluded by their friendship. He gets very defensive about her when I bring her up,...

 

Not a good sign. He shouldn't be putting new relationships with women above his fiance & you most certainly should not be feeling excluded.

 

Some days he will text and phone her more times a day then he talks to me, and even on their days off and weekends.

 

Again - not a good sign.

 

He has several other female friends he keeps in touch with, but the difference is they have been there since we first began dating, and I've established friendships with them.

 

That is indeed a difference - a big difference. If he can't understand that then I'm not sure he's ready to get married.

[bluetuesday]

two things.

 

1. i think your concerns are firmly grounded. your fiance is acting inappropriately with this woman and i'd be worried that it's just friendship from her he's after. i was in a similar position to this female friend and had to tell the guy we needed to stop being so close when he got a girlfriend. as soon as i did, he admitted to feeling more than friendly towards me. there's a chance your guy may not be the same, but he's showing all the same signs.

 

2. bluechocolate is always, always right. always.

[bluechocolate]

So far the consensus is - not normal.

 

---------------------

Hi bluetuesday and thanks re: point 2. - (I'm half minded to put that in my signature, though of couse it's not true!)

[bluetuesday]

(I'm half minded to put that in my signature, though of couse it's not true!)

 

note to self. bluchocolate was always, always right... until now.

[clandestinidad]

ooooh...I would be pissed. Thats just not appropriate. I do think its fine to have opposite sex friends, but not when it becomes as involved as theirs apparently is.

 

Plus, I am absolutely against my man telling a female coworker who he's recently become friends with details or any info about his personal life, esp. about US. That is TOTALLY off limits to me. It indicates that youre not keeping our relationship personal or respecting it by blabbing it to some other female.

 

Women are WAAAYY too manipulative than to be able to hear about men's troubles in their relationship without trying to come in between them. Most people who start affairs arent physically attracted at first...it occurs after they've shared personal info and developed that sort of EMOTIONAL affair.

 

I purposely keep my distance from men when I'm in a serious relationship, and do not discuss personal issues. It leaves the door too open for possibilities, and I will not let that happen. I am polite and what-not, but I do not go any deeper than idle meaningless chit-chat.

 

This is sticky sticky ground....I do not put up with it. There should be a line that is not crossed, and it sounds like in this case it has been.

[travellingman]

Most people who start affairs arent physically attracted at first...it occurs after they've shared personal info and developed that sort of EMOTIONAL affair.

 

Damn, that's good for a 24 yo who's never been married. Very observant, and very true.

[travellingman]

Is it normal for engaged and married men to be text messaging and calling other women every day?

 

Only in Utah.

[clandestinidad]

aw, thanks travellingman...I'm not your typical 24 yr old...thank god

 

(maybe thats why I cant find a guy)

 

I actually have been married...for 9months. haha He was abusive and all that stuff. I've posted a little bit about it before I think. I got pregnant, didnt want to marry him but no one would listen to me, he left when I was on bed-rest, got back together for 3 more months till he grabbed my neck twice....blah blah blah

 

actually, maybe THATS why I cant find a guy...I'm 24, divorced, w/ a kid

[Mz. Pixie]

This is inappropriate behavior and you are not being too sensitive.

 

I wouldn't stand for my husband to be texting with another female. He has two female friends from college and they call once every three- six months, period. I would be very unhappy with phone calls and text messages everyday.

 

This is a huge red flag. IMO, he's keeping you on the backburner for sex until he gets this girl in the sack or he sees how this is working out.

[Chibaby]

Wow, I love all the honest feedback guys! Thanks so much for responding! OK- so the consensus is not normal. I was worried that I was over-reacting to things because I tend to be a little on the jealous side, so I wanted some more objective opinions. I am not worried about him starting anything up with this girl, I don't think he's attracted to her. What bugs me SO much about this situation is that I'm worried about HER wanting to start something with HIM. It gets to me because he is being so friendly to her, and I am worried that she is getting the WRONG MESSAGE from him by this behavior. From what I know, she is bisexual, muscular, athletic, and tomboyish, played soccer in college....etc, very friendly, outgoing . I'm pretty much the opposite, slim nonathletic, feminine, into art and animals, wears makeup, quiet, shy, etc. I think my boyfriend enjoys her company because they can bull about sports and athletic stuff all day and chug beers. He also used to play sports on a coed team in college and was friends with all the girls on the team which she is similar to. I just would feel more comfortable if it actually WAS a guy he was doing all this with. The whole male/female difference just gets to me, even if she is "like" a guy, and especially since I don't know her. He tells me the guys in the office make fun about her behind her back calling her a "guy", and when she hangs out with some of the other women in the office who are similar to her in character, they call it a "sausage fest". Mean.....I know. But this kind of gives you guys the idea of what this girl is like, and that's why I'm worried about me over-reacting. I think this is why my fiancé doesn't see the friendship as wrong, he thinks I'm not trusting him and just doesn't understand why I see her as a threat and why it bothers me. Opinions????? So the next question is, what do I do now? I would like to talk to my fiancé about this a little more, but he just said that he will stop instigating the texting and calls, and will only respond if she calls or texts first, enough said. I would like contact to stop altogether, but I am thinking that an ultimatum like that is unfair to him. He seems to want this disagreement to be done and over with, and considers the argument over because he says he will stop instigating things with her. But that still leaves the door open for her, and if he responds to her, she is still getting the wrong idea. I want to solve this, but he doesn't like circular arguments that pop up over and over again. We've had this problem with other females before. My fiance is friendly, they get the wrong idea, they know he's committed to me, but they still try. He doesn't like to admit it, but it happened. He saw a girl as a friend, she saw otherwise, tried, and once she realized it would never happen she phased herself out over time. Should I just sit tight and see how it plays out and hope she phases out of the picture like the other girls? I am just still squirming over it.....what do you guys think?

[clandestinidad]

even tomboys have vaginas (and unless she's a full-fledged lesbian, she likes some d!ck)

 

hopefully that will help w/ your confusion ;P

 

edit to add: isnt it strange to you how dead-set he is against cutting it off with her?? She's a new friend and shouldnt really matter that much to him...he shouldnt be acting like this

[Chibaby]

 

 

edit to add: isnt it strange to you how dead-set he is against cutting it off with her?? She's a new friend and shouldnt really matter that much to him...he shouldnt be acting like this

 

Well....not to be defending his actions or making excuses for his behavior, but he did say he'd cut it off (everything) with her if that's what I wanted to make us work. I would like that, but I just don't want to be a controlling bitch about it, and I also don't think it's right to give ultamatiums like that. I don't think he wants to either because they are friends and it would also kind of be hard because they sit together at work. I think it is an issue about control too, maybe more so than wanting the friendship. He had a very controlling ex who didn't want him to be friends with ANYONE, so when this comes up, it causes problems. I know I would not like that if he told me I had to cut it off with my male co-worker friend, but then again, I am not the type that gets close to male friends very easily anyway, especially when I'm in a relationship. I don't want to be controlling, everyone hates that.....There must be another solution?

[Mz. Pixie]

Have you ever seen this woman or are you going on his description of her??

 

He's doing alot of lip services about this, such as saying the other guys make fun or her, I think he's protesting too much.

 

What do the text messages say back and forth?? I'm assuming you've seen them.

[Chibaby]

Have you ever seen this woman or are you going on his description of her??

 

 

What do the text messages say back and forth?? I'm assuming you've seen them.

Yes- I've seen her. She is nothing to get excited about. I suppose you could consider her remotely cute in a tomboyish way if you are really trying (I'm not trying to be mean, just honest about it). As a woman, she is not very attractive in my opinion, and I can't ever see him wanting to date her over me just based on what she looks like in comparison. The text messages are about everyday things. About what they are up to for the day, or the weekend, or jokes about work. The one that really flipped my lid is one that she sent that said "thanks for last night, it's the most action I've seen in a long time". That's when I got PISSED! Apparently he had hit her in the butt on accident at a basketball game when he was jumping up to cheer, so it was a joke, there were other people there, nothing bad or inappropriate happened. Later that night, he sent her a message saying "sorry" because he was "embarrassed" about it, and that's how she responded with the little innuendo. That's when I decided I wanted this to stop!!!

[clandestinidad]

You shouldnt be the one who HAS to tell him what to do. If you've expressed your concerns and discomfort about the situation, he needs to then take it in his own hands and stop it....he should decide for himself what would be best for the 2 of you. The fact that he's saying that he'll do it if you tell him to is BS, and gives him ammunition to call you controlling. Dont fall for that crap. Just tell him, "i've told you how it makes me feel, and you can do whatever you think you should about it"..."Im not going to tell you what to do, you can decide".

 

Then if he's a typical guy defending himself, he'll say something like "oh, so if I dont decide what you really want then you'll hold it against me?!?!"....to that you can just lightly say "no, i'm telling you that you can decide for yourself...its your life". Keep saying similar things, b/c he'll try to put you in a controlling position, and you cannot let him put you there.

 

Otherwise, if its done b/c you told him to, not only can he call you controlling, he will be more likely to do it behind your back, which would lead to a WHOLE new can of worms

[Chibaby]

OK- that's good advice. But since he consider's the conversation done and over, should I bring it up again or not and then see what he does?

[clandestinidad]

Well, IMO conversations arent done and over until both parties are satisfied or comfortable with the results.

 

that said, youre not done with it, and are able to discuss it until you feel satisfied. Whether that is getting the specific result you want, or getting clarification about his plan is up to you. I see nothing wrong with finding out what he plans on doing.

 

now...how to do that without being pushy.....I'll have to think about that for a little bit and get back to you maybe someone else can think of something to say before I do....

[travellingman]

actually, maybe THATS why I cant find a guy...I'm 24, divorced, w/ a kid

 

Would you stop selling yourself short?

 

Your problem isn't your child or marital status, but the negative sh*t you're hearing from your parents. Too sad to watch someone with so much ahead of her knock herself down constantly.

[clandestinidad]

nah....not constantly (i think its b/c of the lonely holidays)

[thekiss]

Hey sister,

 

Sorry to hear your dilemma...but there is an easy solution.

 

The next time they go out...go with them...simple.

 

If he WON'T take you with or you get funky vibes while you're out with them...then there's something more to it than just friends.

 

By the way...guys and girls don't typically make good friends unless someone is gay...

[Chibaby]

Hey sister,

 

Sorry to hear your dilemma...but there is an easy solution.

 

The next time they go out...go with them...simple.

 

If he WON'T take you with or you get funky vibes while you're out with them...then there's something more to it than just friends.

 

By the way...guys and girls don't typically make good friends unless someone is gay...

 

Yeah, good advice....that's what I've been asking him to do. They haven't been out since we've been back together, but he says "what am I supposed to do, set up a play date for you guys?"....I guess I'll just have to be patient! In the meantime, should I hold off on bringing her up again until she's back into the picture?

[Chibaby]

OK- here's an update. It isn't good. So we went out for New Years and he invited her!!! She didn't end up coming, but they were texting each other back and fourth all night. I confronted him, and he said he would quit. Granted we were both pretty intoxicated at the time. Then we got home, and were getting ready for bed. I was in the bathroom, and peeked out and noticed he was laying face down on the floor with his phone. When I looked over his shoulder, he was texting her. It was 3 AM!!! I asked who he was texting, and he tried to hide it from me but it was obvious. He told her that we went to a restaurant near her house and were now home, and she texted back "don't lie"....not sure what that meant. So we had a huge blowout. Then he said this morning that he'd stop for good, then he said it would be rude and that she would know something's going on. WELL IT IS!!! To make matters worse, I found out during the 3 week period we were broken up he spent the night at her house on her couch because he was "too drunk" to drive home. What do I do now!!!!??? Is it time to just give up?? We're supposed to talk tonight, but I can't see this getting anywhere unless he gives the friendship up at least for now, but it isn't fair for me to request that. Our relationship is very fragile right now, and I don't think he is handling this right. I don't like ultimatums, but the contact needs to stop, at least until we are stable. I feel like if she is such a good friend to him, she will respect and understand that even though it is awkward, and give us our space until things get better. I hate to be like that, but I'm sick of this!!!! Somebody help me!!!!

[coasting]

This not normal behavior at all and I would myself be quite concerned.

I'm sorry but when you are in an egagement and you are texting and talking on the phone to another woman more then once or twice a day then theere is somethng going on that he is not telling you about.

I had a similar experience two years ago. I was living with my now ex, and the phone would ring 4 or 5 times a day with a name appearing on the caller ID of what appeared to be a couple, so I thought nothing of it thinking it was the Mr. in the couple. However when the phone would ring and I would attempt to answer it , my ex would tell me not to.

Well one day he went to work and SHE valled, asking to speak to my husband about some of their Navy Buisness. I told her first that he was not my husband and that he was working.Later that day there were 4 more calls and everytime he took the call outside to smoke a cigerette. I later asked him if there was something going on and he denied it. Two months down the road he came crying to me that I deserved someone better. i asked him why knowing what he was going to say. he told me he had an affair with this woman and that it was over. Don't you know the next day she called and told me about the affair. I handled it very well and told her that I was with him and that she needed to leave us alone. I told him that I could forgive him for this but that I would never forget it.

Two years down th road,(November 2005) he obviously was having another affai because he packed up and moved out while I was at work leaving me with a note.

So watch yourself and take this with extreme caution!