Friendship/ outgrowing / taking a step back

[Soulfood104]

I wondering if anyone can give me some advice on a current situation of mine? *SORRY FOR LONG POST*

I have childhood friend of 15 years, we would tell each other near everything and always both felt we had a special soul sister connection. Myself and all my hometown friends have mostly moved away, starting our own lives but trying to stay in contact as much as we can.. This particular friend I wouldn't go without a week speaking too and we were constantly each others support network for our mental health.

In summer of 2022, my friend had a break up with a long term partner.. she had a really hard time within those last couple of years of their relationship for external factors and had a tendency to use alcohol to help her cope. I tried and feel i supported her as much as I could, with also giving her my usual honest and open advice.

But events followed after this break up of her doing certain things which were seemingly out of character.. she had never been single before as had gone from one long term relationship to another. One was showing flirtatious actions towards one of our other friends whilst his girlfriend was there, i noticed this but didn't think to much into it as she often would say I'm just being nice and people mistake it for flirting.

Following this came more behaviour which made me feel uncomfortable to watch and deeply hurt. Mistrust, cheating relationships, disloyalty etc is something which is HUGE trigger of mine.. from past trauma and just personal views.

There were several incidents were people were saying she was crossing boundaries and upsetting people by being super careless when drunk.. I had spoken to her several times about my opinions, trying without judgement but being honest about what i was seeing and how she could reflect on this. She would always say to me "Ah I just need you to tell me when Im doing things wrong, I need your clarity i know i'm being messy" It seemed like she genuinely felt or knew she was doing things which were causing harm.. and yet more incidents happened.

I started getting anxiety even just being around her or when she would message me, in early 2022 i had recently gotten into a healthy relationship myself with my current boyfriend. Due to my own issues within relationships it highlighted how I seek to feel safe around ppl due to my CPTSD). I started to feel that we weren't on the same path. I had conversations with her and told her how I felt but it didn't seem to shift my anxiety and mistrust..

It started to eat away at me as I was avoiding her messages etc more and more, i eventually sent her a message and said I couldn't hold the friendship right now and needed space as the stuff happening had triggered me. She understood some but also felt confused as i guess she didn't do anything to me personally..

It has been a few months no contact, i felt lighter and glad for the space. She is now in a new relationship and would say she reflect on that year and put it down to the alcohol. I can't help but feel a seed of doubt and anxiety has been sown.. I let her know I cant be friends with her and i dont know if this will change now. I find it hard to overcome things when someone has picked at a trigger of mine, i know this is part of my own issues and I do have a tendency to cut people off. I feel better without the worry and anxiety of her unpredictability but of course she says shes heart broken and confused by this.

I have a lot of love for her and I would be kind and friendly if I saw her but I dont/cant have the friendship the way it was. Im feeling guilty and irritated by our last conversation questioning myself if I'm doing something wrong? Have i cut her off and its not justified.. I feel better for it but i don't know if this seems dramatic? I think to myself we're grown adults surely we can decide who we want in our life or not.

[ShyViolet]

7 hours ago, Soulfood104 said:

Im feeling guilty and irritated by our last conversation questioning myself if I'm doing something wrong? Have i cut her off and its not justified.. 

I don't know what you mean by "it's not justified".  You have the right to end a friendship at any time if it's making you unhappy or uncomfortable.  Her chaotic, unhealthy behavior was negatively impacting you.  So you decided that you didn't want to continue the friendship.  You don't owe anyone any more explanation than that.

[Soulfood104]

Thank you ❤️ 

[MsJayne]

Your post reminded me of a friend I had when I was young. We would go out partying and she was forever flirting with the partners of other women, and a couple of times she disappeared into the night with someone else's partner. Despite the fact that she was great fun to hang out with, this disregard for other peoples boundaries made me really distrustful of her and eventually I ended the friendship. Sometimes you are allowed to judge friends, particularly so when they regularly offend other people and embarrass you. You cooling off your friendship might be just what your friend needs to make her realise there are social repercussions for being rude to other people. You're not over-reacting. 

[Soulfood104]

35 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Your post reminded me of a friend I had when I was young. We would go out partying and she was forever flirting with the partners of other women, and a couple of times she disappeared into the night with someone else's partner. Despite the fact that she was great fun to hang out with, this disregard for other peoples boundaries made me really distrustful of her and eventually I ended the friendship. Sometimes you are allowed to judge friends, particularly so when they regularly offend other people and embarrass you. You cooling off your friendship might be just what your friend needs to make her realise there are social repercussions for being rude to other people. You're not over-reacting. 

Thank you, really helpful to hear a similar story and your views 😊🙏🏼

[Lotsgoingon]

We often fall out or grow apart from childhood friends. That's not unusual. Your friend was acting nuts. There's no reason you would continue to spend time with her given her strange and inappropriate behavior. 

There are people I know who grew up with people who later became criminals and drug dealers. Their relationship changed. We HAVE to dump friends who are no longer worthy of our attention, people who are now destructive. We HAVE to distance ourselves. Literally have to. 

Where is this guilt coming from? Is that the PTSD?