my fiancés ex girlfriend passed away and im struggling to be there for him

[taylorbecks]

my boyfriends ex girlfriend passed away and understandably, he is upset. he met me 3 months later and we got into a relationship another few months after meeting, so we got together quite soon after they split, which he never told me when he first met me. he always told me that it was an awful, abusive relationship & that after he left he never spoke to her again and nor did he want anything to do with her, because she was abusive. so when i found out about the fact he had very recently got out of a relationship with her, i had no concern about him still being attached to her, due to how he described his relationship with her. 

 

when he found out the other day that she passed away, i was doing my best to comfort him and spent a long time listening to him talk about her and how he was feeling. i completely understand he is grieving someone he once loved regardless of his relationship with me & the way she treated him. then he read messages out between them to me, after he met me and 3 months before we got into a relationship and she said she still loved him and he said he still loved her too & a part of him always will. he was also the one who initially messaged her, whilst he has maintained to me throughout our relationship and when we first met that he doesn’t want to talk to her again or anything to do with her. 

 

i feel awful for feeling this way, i really do. i don’t know how to cope with how i am feeling right now or process this. but, i just don’t understand why he lied to me this whole time about it all, about how it ended and how he felt about her, after he had met me and just before we officially started a relationship. am i wrong for feeling this way, because i feel deep shame for feeling like this. i feel like if i had known about these messages when starting a relationship with him then i don’t know if i would of even felt comfortable starting a relationship with him as it seems from the messages he wasn’t truly past their relationship like he has always led me to believe. i also found out a few months ago that he cheated on me with a sex worker just a few months into our relationship which has made me question if he even loves me because how can you out someone you love at risk like that? and then i start to think ‘he never cheated on her, why me?’ i know, it’s awful. he is the one who has lost someone and yet im feeling sorry for myself. i just can’t cope with all of this, i really can’t. 

 

i did not feel like this in any way before he read those messages out to me. why did he lie to me this whole time about how he felt about her? he told me that he didn’t actually love her and was only saying that because she said she still loved him first and he felt bad for her and just said he loved her too for the sake of making her feel better. even if that is true, what kind of person lies to someone about loving them when they’re clearly suffering emotionally? and how many times has he lied to me when he has told me that he loves me? 

 

i have asked my boyfriend for some space because i don’t know how to process this all and i feel he should be able to grieve without me feeling this way around him. which again, i feel awful for because i feel as though i should be there to comfort him during this time. 

 

i don’t know what to do and as awful as it sounds, i don’t know if i even want to be with him anymore. i don’t feel i have the mental & emotional capacity to deal with this in a healthy manner because of how i feel, he should be allowed to grieve in peace and i just don’t know if i can be there for him right now, without making him feel worse. i feel my resentment has built for him since the SW thing, and i probably should of just left him then. 

 

i should probably also add that when we first got together, he was always talking about her, to the point where we had to have a discussion about it as it made me feel as though he wasn’t over her. last year, he was even talking to me about proposing to me, and yet somehow the conversation managed to go back to her which i was very upset by. i was always reassured by the fact he would say how he felt about her and that he wanted nothing to do with her or to see her ever again and that he felt nothing for her anymore, and i feel this has all been shattered by hearing those messages. 

 

i’ve asked him for some space and he has responded with anger and been quite nasty, i’m letting it slide because he is grieving. i am also in therapy right now due to years of sexual abuse from a family member during my teen years, and right now, i truly don’t feel secure enough and in the right place mentally to be supporting and comforting someone i love over the death of someone he could of loved whilst he’s been with me. i know that is awful, but i simply do not have the abilities or emotional capacity to do so right now. i feel i have tried to do the right thing by telling him we need some space and that i want him to be able to grieve without fear of being being upset, yet i am met with hostility and nastiness from him. i really don’t know what else i can do

[Lotsgoingon]

Sorry to hear about this--it is a mess.

Sounds to me like every one of your instincts is spot on. All your feelings and reactions seem quite healthy and understandable and sharp. 

You're right--you cannot console him about a previous lover he was recently in contact with, who he had a stronger (and more recent bond with) than he let on. You should not forgive the lies. His lies hiding his recent contacts with her and deep feelings for her are troublesome and in themselves are good reasons to initiate a breakup. The allegations of abuse he made--you are wise to distrust all of that. 

And then he gets nasty with you? Hell no! Definitely keep your space--and then seems to me you want to dump him. I cannot believe he got hostile with you. OMG!

BTW: those feelings you are saying are "awful"---they aren't awful at all. Those are healthy, spot-on instincts and body reactions that are some of the hardest instincts for us to develop. They are extremely important for protecting us and preventing us from going along quietly in an unhealthy relationship. The only thing awful is this guy's lies to you. 

The death of a former lover can reasonably trigger grief. But sounds like this guy was much more entangled with her--heck still entangled--than he let onto with you.  He's grieving like she is his current lover.  

The bottom line is that the "contract" you entered into to date  him was based on lies, fraud. You do not owe him anything at this point! Yes, I recommend you dump him asap. And don't spend hours explaining because he will use his anger and nastiness to try to manipulate you. 

. "I don't feel safe. I feel mislead. I don't want to date anymore." Keep it short. Do not  get caught up in his grief.

 

 

 

[stillafool]

How old was she?  Was she sick long?

[basil67]

He's mislead you about his relationship with her this whole time, so your knowledge of him has been built on a pack of lies.  Add to that he's being horrible to you because you're rightfully uncomfortable.  Your feelings aren't awful, they are entirely sensible!   Please, please trust your instincts - they are spot on!

Please consider talking to your therapist about this too.  It's a massive change in your life and you'll likely need a bit of support to help you deal with his gaslighting of you

[Acacia98]

I can't help wondering if he also lied about her being abusive. Perhaps he was the abusive one in the relationship?

Also, don't be so sure he didn't cheat on her. Those are your insecurities talking, not a sober assessment of the facts.

Your asking for space was the right thing to do under the circumstances.

 

[Gebidozo]

Your boyfriend has been lying to you from the onset of your relationship, cheated on you, and is now being nasty because you so understandably need space.

Just read the above phrase aloud. Ask yourself: do you really want to be together with such a person?

Your feelings aren’t awful at all. His behavior to you is awful, and his grief has nothing to do with it. 
 

[Gaeta]

Ohhhh honey honey honey....it's time to put an end to this relationship. This man has lied and cheated and now he wants to be the victim in this! NO.

You made it up to now with having to deal with childhood sexual abuse so noway this is the man you will pick for yourself right?!!

You are not responsible for his grief. He can go rely on someone else like an ex-lover. He remembers how to go cry on someone else's shoulder I am sure. 

[mark clemson]

Be glad you're finding out about all this sooner rather than later.

TB painfully honest, I suspect you are/were essentially a rebound. His feelings for you may not be particularly strong. Nonetheless his lashing out after you asked for space, rather than responding maturely suggests he may be a "bad breakup" along with everything else. Maybe he learned that from her IF she was abusive, but who really knows.

At any rate, there are times in life where one is better off walking away...

[Oldenuff2know]

I was in a similar situation with my second husband when we were first dating. He told me about how his previous wife was a horrible person and embezzled from his company, causing him to eventually lose everything. We had been seeing each other for about 3 months when she "ended it" (I don't know if this msg will get tagged for using the wrong terminology). He was devastated and I tried to give him space, but he wanted to stay near me (she was overseas in his home country). Shortly thereafter, suddenly, she was the love of his life and he couldn't function. I should have ended it right then and there. Instead, I stayed with him, and because of her death, he was free to marry and we married within a number of months so he would have health insurance (he had stage 3 cancer). I spent the rest of that marriage hearing how "good" a girl she was, and how he wished I had been more like her, etc. Nope. Let him go off and grieve on his own. He's not ready for a relationship. You deserve someone who will devote all of themselves to you instead of you feeling like you're in a three-way relationship with a ghost (as I was.) 

 

[d0nnivain]

An EX of mine died 6 weeks after I met my how husband.  I was a wreck when the EX died, not because I wanted him back but because I wanted him to be alive. 

Love & relationships are complicated.   Your BF probably knows this woman was wrong for him in so many ways.  He made the logical decision to end it but he would have preferred to work it out. That wasn't possible but now that she's dead, the finality of it all is dredging up all sorts of mixed emotions.   She's no longer just the one who got away.  She's dead.  

Give it a little time.  Let the dust settle.  See where his head (& heart) are in a month.