wife is headed for affair?

[cedric4691]

My wife has been accepting phone calls and emails from a man she met in a class. She claims there is nothing going on and that he is only interested in her as a friend. Here's how I know that is total BS: (a) in one of his emails he said he hoped she was thinking of something wonderful, or maybe even of him -- if that doesn't show that he is interested in her, I'm not sure what would. (b) He called her on Christmas Day ("just to say hi"). I have tried to tell her that NO man would do those things if his interest were completely Platonic, but she says she isn't convinced. Either she is being completely naive, or else I am. I don't want to come off all controlling and confrontational, but on the other hand, this is all behavior that worries me. I want to trust her and let her know that I trust her, but I don't trust him at all, and I don't think she should either.

Suggestions?

[Art_Critic]

Hard to tell if she is cheating.. But one thing is for sure and that is HIS intentions are not friendship..

 

A friend would respect the marriage role and never put himself in a postion like calling on christmas day or tell me your thinking of me..

 

The guy is flirting with your wife with intentions of banging her...

 

You need to have a talk with her about it and let her know how much it bothers you.. Tell her that you trust her but you don't trust him because his intensions are not honorable..

 

Good luck

[whichwayisup]

If that was a man she's known for a very long time and you were buddies with him too, NO PROBLEM. But, this a guy whom she barely knows. You have every right to feel the way you do. Pose this question to her. HOW would she feel if some woman called you on Christmas day, just to say Hi.

 

I agree with A_C, his intentions are something more and it's like he's waiting in the wings to see 'what could happen' at some point. I wouldn't be surprised if she's told him your marriage isn't that good, that you guys have some issues...He WILL be asking her if all is OK at home. If she is vunerable and feeling neglected by you then she could fall for his crap. Please, go out of your way and make your wife feel loved and special. I'm not saying that you don't do that - But right now the more you show her and tell her how wonderful, hot and beautiful she is, the less she'll look at this guy. (Just giving you some things you can do on your own in the meantime.) Plan a nice evening out, romantic and fun. Make her feel special.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think that your wife would accept such crap from you? Your wife is not naive. She knows what is going on and clearly enjoys the flirtation. This would be fine if she was single but she is not. Again how would she like some woman flirting with you and calling you and having you reply that we are just friends? She is disrespecting you and your relationship. His email makes it clear what he is after. I think you should take this very seriously.

[whichwayisup]

Another suggestion...Tell her fine, if he is just after friendship then have him to dinner. ALL of you can hang out. If he is "just" a friend then she'll have absolutely NO problem with this senario.

 

My best bet is the guy will back out, say he doesn't feel comfortable and wouldn't want to cause waves between you two because of their friendship.

[Art_Critic]

I wouldn't be surprised if she's told him your marriage isn't that good, that you guys have some issues...He WILL be asking her if all is OK at home. .

 

Good point WWIU .. That is something to think about.. generally if a guy has some feeling that things are going to go bad then that most likely came from her..

 

Maybe she was seeking an ear about your marital problems and he took the lead from there

[whichwayisup]

Ofcourse, noone here is implying that your marriage is on the rocks...But you should realize that your wife COULD be slowly becoming emotionally attached to this guy (crush like feelings) and possibly detaching from you bit by bit, which would make it easier for her to feel "vunerable" about him and be able to open the door a crack. This does NOT mean she's sleeping with him or ever going to. All this means now is he has turned her head - Paid attention to her and made her feel good about herself. We all like to be desired and wanted by others, but she could be taking things too far.

 

Talk to her, tell her how you feel. Let her know that this situation could mess up the marriage.

[goingforgold]

I think u should openly discuss with her what your thoughts are and how it makes u feel.

She should see it from your point and view and hopefully boot the other man, even if there is nothing going on.

If she becomes all defensive and takes his side and refuses to get rid of him i thibk u might have a problem on your hands.

Be sure to remind her whats at stake if she is thinking of an affair, make your intentions clear if this is unacceptable and u wont be willing to stay with her.

Good luck i hope it all works out for the best for you.

[jmargel]

This guy's intentions are to get her. Doesn't matter if they all have dinner together or not. That's not going to stop what might happen in the future. The thing is Cedric this situation makes you uncomfortable. If your wife refuses to rectify this by putting an end to it then you have to consider if you want to be in a relationship with her.

 

It's not controlling to tell your wife that you are not happy with what is going on and that you have some major thinking to do if things don't change. She can put an end to it all by telling him to stop with this sort of contact and that she is happily married and then refuse all his advancements.

 

If she continues this behavior don't 'demand' she stop this or stomp your feet. The best thing you can do is be as distant as you possibily can from her. Let her know what she is losing and how she is jeopardizing this marriage by allowing this flirtation to continue.

[Owl]

I would absolutely sit down with her and tell her how this makes you feel. Don't be confrontational, shout, or otherwise be unattractive (it'll make sense in a moment). But DO let her hear and see how much what she's doing bothers and hurts you. Talk about how it makes you FEEL. (hurt, worried about your marriage,).

 

Look up information on emotional affairs...because that's what she's becoming involved in. This is for YOUR benifit...do not try to educate her with it at first...she will NOT listen.

 

Explain to her why it needs to end. Because if he's displaying this kind of interest in her, it is a HUGE risk to your marriage, and becuase it hurts you beyond belief to see that happen in your marriage.

 

Talk quietly. If she gets loud or shouts...talk MORE QUIETLY. Make her LISTEN for your responses...and think about them. Pause often in your conversation...so that she can process what you're saying.

 

And if that doesn't work, if she continues to deny it...then keep gathering evidence of what's going on. Put a keylogger on the computer in case she changes email password or accounts...watch her cell phone bill.

 

If it appears to continue or get worse, get ready to tell EVERYONE about what's going on. Because a lot of times, once the affair (emotional or physical) begins, the WS will deny deny deny...and the only way to get it to end is to enlist the help of all of your friends and family.

 

Take a look here for my thread...read what happened in my case with my wife's EA. See if that doens't help you get an idea on what could be going on.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

 

You might also check out marriagebuilders.com too for more info on how to deal with this...good forum and references over there too.

[cedric4691]

Many thanks to all who posted comments, thoughts, and suggestions.

 

I sat down with my wife and we had a long talk during which I voiced my concerns. I think it went very well. She assured me she has no romantic interest in him whatsoever and that she is committed to our marriage. She insists that he has no interest in her romantically, but I made her the following bet/deal. I said that I think its only a matter of time before he says to her, "I know you're married but..." and then goes on to say that he's devloping feelings/attraction for her. I made her promise that the minute he does so, she not only makes it clear to him that she is not interested in pursuing any romantic relationship with him, but also made her promise that at that point she will no longer attempt to carry on a friendship with him, but will make it clear that his feelings for her (and more important, her feelings for me) have made that impossible. I told her that I trust her, but that I don't trust him at all.

 

Now as I see it, one of two things will happen: (1) she keeps her promise to me, showing that she has merely been naive and overly trusting of him, or (2) she does not, in which case another confrontation will take place. In the meantime, I am following the advice some of you offered regarding monitoring her telephone calls and internet use, so that if the need for confrontation does arise, I will have evidence/information. Since I said that I trust her, I will not be monitoring the content of her calls and internet use, but only observing the pattern. If I see calls to/from his number or emails to/from his account, then I will step things up a notch.

 

What do you all think? Am I making a reasonable response here?

[Art_Critic]

I sat down with my wife and we had a long talk during which I voiced my concerns. I think it went very well. She assured me she has no romantic interest in him whatsoever and that she is committed to our marriage. She insists that he has no interest in her romantically, but I made her the following bet/deal. I said that I think its only a matter of time before he says to her, "I know you're married but..." and then goes on to say that he's devloping feelings/attraction for her. I made her promise that the minute he does so, she not only makes it clear to him that she is not interested in pursuing any romantic relationship with him, but also made her promise that at that point she will no longer attempt to carry on a friendship with him, but will make it clear that his feelings for her (and more important, her feelings for me) have made that impossible. I told her that I trust her, but that I don't trust him at all.

 

Beautiful... It sounds like you handled it perfectly..

I might add that since the talk went well and now she knows how serious it is to you that if she evens senses that he is going down that road she may end the friendship before any talk happens..

 

and keep up the watching.. that way you can be sure about any patterns.. Watch to see if she starts to hide her phone or gets weird about her calls..

 

Good Luck

[lilmoma1973]

 

Either she is naive or she is cheating !! There is something there whether she thinks they are just friends or not !! It is obvious that this guy is wanting more or they are having an affair and she is denial!! How would she like it if the shoe was on the other foot? Would she like a woman calling you and telling you it was only friends?

[Numb]

I know what I would do, I would go pick up a bat pound some nails threw it and pay the f00ker a visit..........that my freind would fix it.

[cedric4691]

Ok. I think she met him last night. When she got home i noticed the passenger seat had been tipped all the way back when she was supposed to have gone out alone (to a birthday party). I know she has called his cell and he hers three nights ago -- i think they set up a tryst.

 

My question -- do i confront her with the evidence I have? (I know its thin) or try to compile conclusive evidence? Maybe hire a PI to get pictures/video?

 

It gets worse. I discovered there is ANOTHER man she has been calling several times a week for at least a year. Every thursday she has had a "girls night out", BUT I discovered that none of the calls are to the number of this friend, and all of them are to this guy's home or cell.

 

Again: confront or get more evidence? Please advise!

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I would have a friend follow her or hire a PI. The bottom line is that she not acting like a married woman but more like a single one. You will have to ask yourself why you would wish to be married to someone who continues to sneak around behind your back and is constantly connecting with other men.

 

She is totally disrespecting you and possibly putting your health at great risk.

You have spoken to her about it and it continues which shows you where she puts you and your marriage on her priority list. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I wish you luck.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

My impulsive thoughts and suggestions for the original poster are that he should press her to no end to admit that the guy probably has interest in her which goes beyond what is appropriate and platonic.

 

Once she admits that much, then show your trust in her by leaving the subject alone.

 

The issue of your trust in her doesn't come up in this case, and you are entirely free now and forever to not trust HIM.

 

Gaining her initial admission that he is on the prowl, which we can all tell that he is, will hopefully jolt her back to reality.

 

If it doesn't, then youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu need to be strong enough to walk away from her if it comes to that.

[Sneakee Monkee]

Hello,

 

I agree with the replies to your post.

 

Wifey is either already having an affair(s) *which I think is more yes than maybe* or she is just soaking up all the attention from these different men. It sounds like she's already past that point, though.

 

Because she knows you find her behavior suspect and that it bothers you, and she continues to do it proves that she doesn't give a hoot. Unless, and I find it VERY unlikely that she's taking art lessons and sculpting a statue during her secret meetings. Nope, that really sounds dumb doesn't it- and they probably aren't getting together for Bible study, either.

 

I wholeheartedly agree that it's time for a PI to document the situation- not to sway you one way or another- because you do realize now what is going on, but to cover you butt in court.