Do I have a right to be upset?

[Lynn]

I have been very involved with my new boyfriend for about two months now. We were very close and he often told me how much he "needed me" and how great it was, ect.

 

Yesterday he told me out of the blue that he had to go to Panama for a week to help a friend, but he couldn't talk about it because it was too complicated and he would tell me another time.

 

I told me before that he had a male friend there where he had visited before, so I know it has nothing to do with another woman.

 

I told him that it was really upsetting to me that he was hiding something and it didn't make me feel good because I tell him everything about me. He is older, but doesn't have alot of money and we just finished splittin the costs for a trip together. When I asked him how he would get the money to go there he said 'that is not for you to worry about' and again I got really upset and felt horrible.

 

If it was me going somewhere and not telling him why I know he'd be upset and try to talk me into letting him come with me, but this is so unfair because it is like he has a double standard here.

 

He asked me if I trusted him and I said, Yes, but it still made me suspicious about him going without saying why.

 

He told me his friend needs him, and I said, "well I need you too!"

 

It got really upsetting because he started saying that if I didn't trust him it meant I didn't love him and that he trusted me.

 

How can I deal with this? It is driving me crazy, I've been crying all morning and don't want to eat.

[midori]

I'm sorry you're so upset about this turn of events.

 

The way I see it, your guy absolutely has the right to go away without giving you the full details. As long as he has assured you that it's for a friend and it's not about another woman, I don't see that it actually jeopardizes the relationship per se. You say that you and he just finished splitting the cost of a vacation you took together; unless you were paying more than 50% of those costs I don't really see that you have a right to ask him how he's able to afford to go to Panama. If you did pay for more than your fair share and feel that you were duped by him about his financial situation then obviously that's an issue you'll need to bring up with him. However, if you're objecting to this trip because his financial constraints supposedly prevented him from paying for you as well as himself, I think you need to reconsider your position: men aren't obliged to pay for their girlfriends' vacations, even if they can afford to do so. Some people equate generosity with affection, other people see it as an attempt to control them. Generosity isn't inherently tied to either affection or control: some people are indiscriminately generous to people they have no real affection for, others are miserly even with their dearest loved ones. I make no assumptions about your bf here, nor about why you're upset about this trip. I just offer that as something to consider.

 

Your bf might have some very good reasons for not being able to divulge the exact nature of his business in Panama. His friend's situation may require discretion, it might not be his secret to tell.

 

Or you might want to assess if he's the sort of person who might be involved in some kind of illegal activity -- maybe he's a smuggler or something like that (I'm 75% kidding here, but on the other hand you never know).

 

He's only going for a week, right? That's not an unreasonable amount of time. Some people regularly travel that much for work. I'll bet you can make do without him for a week -- especially since you've only been involved with him for a couple of months.

 

If upon his return he is still tight-lipped about what was going on in Panama, you'll have to decide whether or not you can just let it drop. If he's prone to secrets and you want an open book then maybe you're not right for each other.

 

In the meantime, plan some fun things for yourself while he's gone. If you've been spending all of your time with him lately, why not re-connect with some of your friends (who might be feeling like you've neglected them)? Go see some movies or plan a hiking trip or any of the innumerable things one can do in the summer. Don't take this too hard for yourself -- or for your boyfriend.

[Tony T]

Well, you're going to have to deal with it because he isn't going to give you the details.

 

But I'm with you all the way. This is simply not fair and his unwillingness to give even sketchy details implies that he is trying to hide something.

 

Find out about things like this is what dating is for. If it bothers you a whole lot now, start your review of the relationship right away. If you want to wait and see if this happens again, you can do that as well.

 

I think if the two of you are going to be close, major things like this should be discussed openly.

 

Sounds really fishy to me.

[Pamela]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm sorry I posted under a few different names in this past week, but I was really too embarassed and scared to get "hell" from Laurynn who really means well. I was ashamed to admit that after the really good advice she gave me about a week ago I was still "involved" with the older man twice my age.

 

For your information this post about Panama is about him.

 

Last week I went to my family doctor because I knew I must get serious professional help, so he referred me to a psychiatrist whom I haven't seen yet. I have serious abandonment issues and this is the main reason I am still holding onto this new relationship. If I had the courage and will I would end it with him, but I'm too weak to do so at this time and I will only do it when I'm ready and "strong" enough.

 

I told him that I knew he knew exactly what he was doing and that if this was a game he was winning, meaning: because he is so much older than me he is trying to make things difficult so that I will want him (he knows I like challenges) and not dump him (earlier on he expressed fears of me leaving him for a younger guy when he became really old)at some point. It is like a power struggle, isn't it?

 

I know I don't make much sense here right now because I am all confused, my stomach is turning over and over and I feel nausea.

 

I feel like I have to play-act for him to cover up my feelings because he doesn't understand or like it when I get so emotional and he even says things to "test" me to see if I'm going to cry (things that I got upset about before). How can he not be aware of this cruelty? Must I "sell my soul" and sacrifice who I am just to be accepted by him? I already did that once in my life and I ended up paying dearly. Can I stop this inevitable cycle?

[trafficguy2000]

Im new here but it sounds like you know youre in a situation that has gotten out of control. Unfortunately some people view relationships as power struggles and sometimes the best offense is a fast retreat. I feel much better today than i did two days ago when i finally broke off a seven month debacle. Yes it still hurts and i wish it would have worked but this girl was killing me. it sounds as if this guy gets off on making you feel small so that he can feel big. thats not a relationship- thats abuse

Hi everyone, I'm sorry I posted under a few different names in this past week, but I was really too embarassed and scared to get "hell" from Laurynn who really means well. I was ashamed to admit that after the really good advice she gave me about a week ago I was still "involved" with the older man twice my age. For your information this post about Panama is about him. Last week I went to my family doctor because I knew I must get serious professional help, so he referred me to a psychiatrist whom I haven't seen yet. I have serious abandonment issues and this is the main reason I am still holding onto this new relationship. If I had the courage and will I would end it with him, but I'm too weak to do so at this time and I will only do it when I'm ready and "strong" enough. I told him that I knew he knew exactly what he was doing and that if this was a game he was winning, meaning: because he is so much older than me he is trying to make things difficult so that I will want him (he knows I like challenges) and not dump him (earlier on he expressed fears of me leaving him for a younger guy when he became really old)at some point. It is like a power struggle, isn't it? I know I don't make much sense here right now because I am all confused, my stomach is turning over and over and I feel nausea. I feel like I have to play-act for him to cover up my feelings because he doesn't understand or like it when I get so emotional and he even says things to "test" me to see if I'm going to cry (things that I got upset about before). How can he not be aware of this cruelty? Must I "sell my soul" and sacrifice who I am just to be accepted by him? I already did that once in my life and I ended up paying dearly. Can I stop this inevitable cycle?

[Tony T]

I'm very glad you'll be getting pschiatric attention. This is all very unhealthy.

 

I do hope you will get the courage to end this relationship very soon. You will have to give yourself that, though, because no doctor is equal to the task.

 

I hope you will start loving yourself a lot more and putting greater value on your time on this planet. We are all here for just so long.

 

This guy is not a keeper. Be strong. If you don't take control of life it will smash you into the pavement. Life is not for the weak of heart.

[Miss Mojo]

hi pamela,

 

it's good to hear that you are going to do something constructive about the way you are feeling...a high fiver from me for having the courage and strength to want to be in control.

 

i have seen people in relationships like the one you are in now, and all i have to say is that you would be doing yourself a massive favour to get out of this relationship *now* and then see the counsellor to discuss everything. get this weight off your shoulders so you can really concentrate on yourself. the struggle is not inevitable if *you* refuse to participate in it.

 

this relationship is like a power struggle....a struggle that you are willingly participating in. it's emotional abuse....i have been there myself and the best thing i did was get out. i was taking a very quick slide downhill. things won't change unless you decide to get off that hill before you hit rock bottom.

 

best wishes

[midori]

Dear Pamela,

 

I went back and read your earlier posts, which changed my perspective on your situation. It's really great that you've realized you need some help right now. I'll bet most of us have times when therapy could do some real good. I hope you'll go forward with it.

 

This guy does not sound good. He sounds like a manipulative game player with a cruel streak. I hope you can find the strength very soon to rid yourself of him and his ridiculous posturing.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

-midori