My wife has anger issues

[bryanbutler]

I've been with my wife for 10 years and I love her very much, but we are having serious problems at the moment dealing with her constant anger. It has been a problem for her since childhood and created havoc for her when she was a teenager. I knew none of this until long into the realtionship.

 

We work together in our own business, so we spend many hours together. She is very outgoing and loved by her friends, but they all know she has a dark side. She gets angry at the slightest little thing. Lately, this has been getting into the way of our business.

 

I require lots of quite time for the work I do. I work in the creative industry so I ask that the business be kept relatively calm during office hours. I made her promise me that when she left her last job to work with me that she would honor this "quite code" because it is so important to me able to work efficiently.

 

This year was a banner year for us. The business is doing great, we are building a new house and we pretty much can do as we want. But I have watched her get frustrated with our customers, be very rude with them and we have lost customers because her rudeness with them on the phone. It's getting to the point of hurting the business, not to mention totally disrupting the calmness of the business. I have been working 14 hour days to keep of the all the work, more on this in a moment.

 

Now she bristles when I tell her to just let it go, that customers will be idiots and demand a certain amount of hand holding. She makes sure that everyone knows she's upset and will snap anybodies head off that is around here during the anger fits. I have had employees leave due to her behavior. It's just tough to be around her when she gets in one of these "moods".

 

It makes it especially rough on me since I have to be creative during all this. we share an office and she is constantly bitching and moaning when the phone rings, refuses to answer it and when she does she gets short with people. Mind you that these are the people that pay our bills! I have grown so afraid of her phone tirades that I pretty much answer the phone myself...and the phone rings a lot these days. So my time ids pretty much spent doing the office work (that she is supposed to be doing) during the day and then after 6:00 in the evening when the phone stops ringing, I actually start the creative work.

 

We have had loooooong rational discussions about her behavior and how bad it can be for our relationship and the business only to have her agree with me and then do it all over again in a matter of days.

 

Today a cutomer called who requires a little handholding. She hates him and refuses to deal with him. The last order he placed she fogot an item. Her fault, so he called to let me know about the problem. I aswered the phone filled out the paperwork and asked her to ship out a new package. She immediatley went into the "mood" and said she would never sell him anything else. I calmly asked her to jsut ship the package and let it go. No big deal, nothing to stress over. She continued on her tirade, so I ask her calmly again. Tirade conitunes and she raises her voice and turns her anger on me. I then raised my voice and told her to get over it and just send the package, it was no big deal, she made a simple mistake, to move on. No need to argue over something so petty. It was at this point she full on yelled at me and threw a fit and I reacted...badly.

 

First let me say that I NEVER generally lose my cool. I tend to let things just slide off my back. I like a calmm atmosphere, but today she pushed the wrong buttons and I asked her to leave the shop. I couldn't deal with it. As she was leaving she threw a cup of coffee at the door and (stupidly) I threw her pocketbook back at her at told her to grow up. I know, I know it was stupid. The pocketbook smacked her right in the face and she got a minor cut on her nose.

 

 

Now I feel like a total jerk. I stooped to her level and now I feel worse than I have ever felt in my life.

 

I need some advice. As much as love her, I cannot deal with her anger anymore. She is so negative, intolerant of others and angry all the time. I, in the meantime, am coming apart at the seams. Something has to give.

 

I'm afraid I'm about to toss the whole relationship to maintain my sanity. I never want to feel that angry again.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. Being and dealing with someone who has anger issues IS just awful.

 

She needs one on one therapy. Anger management or something. Give her NO choice in the matter because as loving and wonderful as she is - That dark side ruins it all.

 

Remember, anger is a form of something deeper. It isn't just anger - There is a reason for this. Maybe something from her childhood, she never learned how to cope and handle certain things in life, but her reacting out the way she is doing now is completely unnecessary and ruining her life, as well as yours.

 

She pushed your buttons, you reacted. It's awful that she got cut but to tell you the truth your INTENT was not to hurt her, it was pure frustration. Sooner or later one WILL react. It's like reverting back to a child when too much time is spend with the parents. Mom and dad treat you a certain way and then you start reacting like a 13 year old etc. (Only comparison I could come up with right now!) Say you're sorry for throwing something at her, then let it go. She may use that against you, I don't know if her mood swings are cruel and mean or if she just reacts and yells,freaks out. Is she verbally abusive?

[bryanbutler]

Thanks for answering, ....no she is not verbally abusive, she just has a VERY short fuse.

 

It takes very little to annoy her, someone asking her a question while she's reading (although she does it to me constantly when I'm drawing), the phone ringing when she doesn't want to answer it etc.

 

My apprentice has to walk on ice around her a lot of the time. He even avoids talking to her if he can. I wish I could do the same, but I have business to run and she is so disorganized that when she can't find something she goes ballistic and blames it on her "schedule" although she spends 2-4 hours of the work day reading blogs and messageboards. It's so frustrating to watch her waste her time and then get pissed when she's behind. If I say something about time management she usually explodes into a tirade of excuses...most of it coming back to me.

 

I'm so tired right now. Doing her work and mine has put into serious artistic burnout.

 

I have tried to get her into counseling but she refuses. We have gone through this before, but I'm at the point of throwing the towel in.

 

If I do walk away, I will lose the business that took me 10 years to build. I love my art and my lifestyle and it will crush me to start over.

[bryanbutler]

I'm so tired right now. Doing her work and mine has put into serious artistic burnout.

 

I have tried to get her into counseling but she refuses. We have gone through this before, but I'm at the point of throwing the towel in.

 

If I do walk away, I will lose the business that took me 10 years to build. I love my art and my lifestyle and it will crush me to start over.

[whichwayisup]

Why do YOU have to walk away. It's your business, buy her out. It's your baby!

 

I think you two do need to talk. Plead with her, beg her to go see someone. Explain to her that her anger issues are killing things and it will only get worse. IF she freaks out, let her freak out about it...Just don't give up until she atleast tries. She hasn't at all because she's afraid of change. This is all all she knows - Anger and how to be with it. Changing means something new, trying and pleasing others. Becoming less selfish. Sorry to say that, but her anger IS selfish and not serving any good whatsoever.

 

If she doesn't go to some sort of counselling or atleast marriage counselling with you - things will end. TELL HER THAT. Maybe she needs the fire under her butt to see what she could lose. You can only handle so much crap - NO matter how much you love her, that rollercoaster ride isn't worth it. (Is it possible she's bipolar? Just asking...)

[bryanbutler]

Not bi-polar....she easliy angered.

 

We have had discussions about counseling to no avail.

 

I guess I know that it's time to move on, but I fear that she will do her best to make my life miserable.

 

One thing I haven't said is that I'm a pretty high profile artist. People know me and her. We socialize in the very visible community. Most of these people have no idea of her dark side, some do.

 

Walking away scares the hell out of me.

[whichwayisup]

Don't give up until you feel you've given it your ALL. And that means somehow convincing her to go to afew sessions with you.

 

You know best, I guess I try to see things from a more positive view. I hope for HER sake she wakes up and realizes her stubborness and anger issues are the reason she could lose a good man who really loves his wife. If she lets you go and refuses to get help, she's the fool. Not you.

[slubberdegullion]

Since the business is doing well, hire someone to handle the phone and office duties, because it's pretty clear that your wife isn't doing herself or the business any favours by her attitude.

 

That will leave her time less restricted to do the things she enjoys and does well.

 

You create a new job, you keep your customers, she's happier, you're happier, your customers never have to quake in fear everytime they need to come to your location or call you up... everybody wins.

[bryanbutler]

I have talked to her until my face is blue. Talking is not working. Thus my frustration and me throwing the pocketbook.

 

I have a crush of high profile work(major advertising accounts) to finish, if I have to deal with splitting the relationship and screw up these jobs most of the agencies will nevr use me again...and she knows this.

 

She is just so damn selfish. Can't she see she is killing me slowly? I have friends commenting on my hair getting grayer, the lines around my eyes, my total exhaustion. I'm setting myself up for trouble if I don't break this cycle.

 

Deep down I know I can't stay with her. The anger is getting worse, the fuse shorter and my ability to just let it go has pretty much gone.

 

Me losing my cool today was an ominous sign. I'm not that type of person.

 

I've got a ton of work to do and need to get back to drawing. I REALLY appreciate you taking the time to discuss this with me.

[whichwayisup]

Then maybe discuss with her a separation. And then do what Slub suggested. He's given you some great advice there. Listen to it, really consider it.

 

You're welcome. I feel for what you're going through. One thing you have to do for yourself is LET GO of the mistake you made by reacting out of anger. You didn't mean for it to go that far, but it did. People do things that they normally wouldn't do, when pushed past their limit, who knows how far things could go. Take it easy on yourself.

[bryanbutler]

Everyone we hire to handle those responsibilities quit because they cannot handle being around her.

 

My first instinct was to get her out of the business alltogther, but she refuses. For example, all the passords to the bank accounts have been changed. I have tried to get her to keep a journal with them in it. She refuses and changes them on a whim. It drives me nuts. She is alo quick to point out that I'll haave lots of fun getting it all straigtened out if she leaves.

 

 

Damn, now I'm just getting angry again.....Why can't she be happy? I love her, we travel and have a great lifestyle....yet she's angry at the world and get life just happen with complaining and being negative all the time.

 

I've even gotton to the pointg of not wanting to go out to dinner with her because she complains about the oof, the other patrons, everyone gets a crtique about their weight or clothing....I'm so tired it.

[whichwayisup]

Hey, it's YOUR BUSINESS NOT HERS. Get her out, if you're losing other staff due to her outbursts there is something wrong.

 

These are HER issues, not yours. She has problems and until she is willing to face them, talk about them and deal with them she will be this person till the day she dies. She will be lonely too, but she probably will never admit that because of her ego and self worth to herself. Sorry to sound harsh, but she does have some serious problems.

[bryanbutler]

I'm getting to the point of not even being to type in a coherent manner.

 

Sorry, it's just been a very bad day...and I'm going to be drawing all night to meet a deadline.

[Outcast]

1. Issue the ultimatum - she gets therapy or the marriage is over

2. Follow through

 

DO NOT SELL YOUR BUSINESS. If it's doing that well, you can hire help to do her job.

 

Uncontrolled anger and hostility are not signs of good health and in fact predispose people to early death from heart conditions, etc. Perhaps you can persuade her to see her physician - try the health tack and perhaps the physician can persuade her to get counseling but if she refuses all help, it's time to go.

 

Why can't she be happy?

 

Because she cannot. Something's wrong with her that requires repair. If she chooses to live miserably rather than to get help, then send her away and make legal arrangements to deal with the banks to get the passwords, etc. Don't let her issues ruin your business. It will take work but it will be worth it.

[whichwayisup]

Then just keep on typing and venting. It's good for you and making you get out that frustration.

 

Outcast has given you some good advice too. Please talk to a lawyer about your business and see what options you have. Don't give it up just because of your wife and her anger issues. That would be insane.

[bryanbutler]

Trouble is, she's a partner in the business. I leave...the business is over. I start over.

 

God, she can be one of the best people min the world when she is in a good mood and I love here dearly.

 

I cancelled all my January work to deal with this. I have a feeling it's going to be a very rough month. The holidays have really sucked.

[whichwayisup]

That is why you talk to a lawyer. You buy her OUT. Get another partner. Please talk to a lawyer. This is your business, she is a partner, not the owner.

[bryanbutler]

The ultimatum thing does not work with her. The last time it was employed on her she wrecked the house, went on medication( 1999)which made her into a total wastoid. Things got better for a while and I thought it was in the past, but this year in particular has been rough.

 

It's like she's a rebellious teenager again, she's just angry at the world.

[bryanbutler]

To be honest, I probably will walk away from commercial art alltogether. It's so competitive and even though I tend to be near the top of the heap she has made doing the art a chore that I have come to rather dislike...and I know it has nothing to do with the art, it has to do with the lack of creative space to do it.

 

I just need a mental break. Working in such a competitive field and dealing with her is too much strain.

 

I would rather just do someting non-creative for a while and let myself heal.

 

The art business is not very forgiving.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, that is pure manipulation to make sure SHE gets what she wants. DO nOT allow her to make you feel guilty. All of this is her doing, not yours. She knows her behaviour is not right but she doesn't give a s*** either way to change it. She uses her anger as an excuse to do whatever she pleases, who cares who she hurts/pisses off or offends in the meantime. She puts herself first and that is so evident from your posts.

 

Let her wreck the house, go on meds. Maybe that is what she needs to realize that she needs help. Christ, if she go nuts and rips up the house, call the cops! Bet your ass if that was you freaking out, ripping up the house she'd call the cops on you!!! Sorry to sound harsh again, but you're making excuses for her. It's okay, you're in a certain frame of mind right now and alot of what we're saying right now isn't sinking in. In the next few days, come back and read all the posts on your thread again. Maybe it will make more sense to you, give you more insight when you're in a better thinking frame of mind.

[bryanbutler]

Thanks, I know the advice that is flowing my way is from the heart.

 

I will come back and read in a few days.

 

Would you believe we are supposed to leave on a cruise in 3 days? We took a long vacation Europe last month and yet I'm still the target of her anger.

 

When something doesn't go her way she lashes out at whoever happens to cross her path.

 

God this is depressing...I sound like such a wimp, but if you knew me it would put a smile of your face to hear me say that. Wimp, I'm not.

 

I just love this woman. I think most women would be happy to have someone so devoted to them and willing to be such a huge part of their life, personal and business.

 

I only wished she could stand outside her body and watch herself inflict the kind of mental pain she dishes out so willingly.

[whichwayisup]

You aren't a wimp! Not even close. I commend you for sticking with her. It's okay to complain and vent, it does help.

 

Try to have some fun on the cruise, maybe after the cruise should be the time to talk to her, or even write her a letter...Then run! LOL! Nah, just trying to make you laugh.

 

Something has to happen either way, neither of you can go on like this, it's unhealthy for you and so awful for her. I hope one day she sees this in herself. She may have to lose alot before that happens.

 

Or...

 

Get all your friends/family together and do an intervention! That will piss her off SO bad, but it could work.

[Craig]

Depending on which jurisdiction you are in and the circumstances of the incident you can ask the cops to treat it as a mental health issue instead of a criminal issue. Mental health issue and she'll likely be taken to a hospital and evaluated. Criminal issue and she'll go to jail for a few days and likely get mandatory anger management and other courses for the first offense. Both options do not require her consent.

 

Do you have a partnership agreement? Do you have a pre-nup?

 

Have you considered counselling for yourself? You are under tremendous stress.

[bryanbutler]

LOL.... I needed that. Like I said earlier, it's been a rough day.

 

Life is too short to be angry all the time. I've tried to tell her to no avail.

 

Intervention has been tried, she revels in being a "bitch". The intervention did nothing but give her a platform to point out all of my shortcomings. All we did was wind up arguing and me leaving the whole mess and going out to the park so I could find a little serenity. She just came to the conclusion that our firends were just on my side and didn't understand what I was putting her through...whatever that meant. It baffled my friends also. These are the same people who make fun of me for being such a laid back guy. They know I'm hurting, they also know my precarious situation with business. It angers them, but they don't venture into the fray for fear of making it worse on me.

[bryanbutler]

I guess the difficult part for me is I hate confrontation and messy situations.

 

I just want to live my life and do what I love.

 

Something has to give.

 

I have very close friends that I talk with constantly. The best kind of therapy. One is a psychologist. He has been a great comfort. I know it's not me.

 

Maybe I'm being selfish, but I've done art for over 20 years to get to where I'm at. The thought of losing it all breaks my heart. Maybe I've just been dealing with her moods to accomodate the pleasure I find in doing my work because I know that she can throw a monkey wrench in it at any moment.