My wife has anger issues

[whichwayisup]

You sound like me. I will do just about anything to keep the peace. The thing is, you get to a point when you have to stand up and fight for yourself or you will lose everything! Don't let her take your buisness away from you.

 

You aren't being selfish at all, she's the one who is. For a long time you've been bending and making things OK so she won't flip out. She hasn't a clue what compromise means. Good to know that you know it's not you. (boy does that read weird eh?) That friend is a keeper!

 

I guess I don't understand why YOU have to walk away from your art. Let her walk away. So the paths will cross at times, deal with it as it happens, but don't let that fear ruin all that you've worked for. That would be letting HER get the final say and win it all. She doesn't need that added into her ego. She also sounds narcissistic. Has some classic traits too.

[Craig]

What would be her financial situation if the business was sold?

[bryanbutler]

Thanks again,

 

I have much to think about while I'm working.

 

Peace and quite at the studio tonight....finally some work time. I'll be here all night.

 

I've got a project due in the morning and I better start it!

 

Thanks you so much for having a willing ear to listen.

 

I promise to check back and read the comments.

[whichwayisup]

Again you're welcome, anytime. I do hope things make abit more sense in afew days.

 

Now go get some work done lazyass!! If you don't I will call your wife and tell on you! (hehehe!)

[bryanbutler]

Craig,,

 

If we split she will get half the assets of the business which is about $100,000 in my art prints and half the equipment (around another $100,000). She's an artist also, but does not produce art for the studio. In fact she hasn't done a piece of art in years.

 

I own the house, studio and property free and clear

 

I will walk away with my half of the prints and have her sell off the equipment. To be honest, I would rather not be a part of the studio anymore or sell any of my work she will have copies of.

 

Did I mention we are not "officially" married on paper? It was an informal ceremony done by a friend, nothing signed or sealed in blood.

 

I can leave it at any time and not have to deal with the courts except on the business end where she is a half partner in the LLC.

 

I guess I'm an idiot for sticking with her. I juust have a lot of time and energy in this realtionship.

[Craig]

Walking away scares the hell out of me.

Of course it does and I don't think anyone would advise just walking away without a plan or emotional support system in place.

 

Check with an attorney about your rights regarding taking the clients with you if you just left the partnership--gave her the business.

 

If your employees like you they'll follow you to a new "wife free" business. I'd think that a good number of your customers would want to maintain continuity as well. I could be wrong--I'm not a commercial artist.

 

If your lawyer says you can take the clients and employees you could walk away from the business (following your lawyers advice) and re-start. It wouldn't be like re-starting from scratch with no experience, no employees and no clients.

 

Just don't do anything hasty, mull it over for a while before making a decision.

[whichwayisup]

So, you both are commonlaw? Definately find out what the laws are where you live.

 

You aren't an idiot, I think you're more of a hopeful person that thought things would get better. It's a good quality to have, but sooner or later you have to know when to say ENOUGH.

[Craig]

I can leave it at any time and not have to deal with the courts except on the business end where she is a half partner in the LLC.

Ok, this is a job for lawyer-man. You need to take your LLC docs and any agreements you signed with her to a lawyer that knows about LLC's and partnerships.

 

Is this a true legal partnership or are you talking about ownership of the LLC? I.E. do you each own half of the LLC or is there an agreement between the two of you stating how the LLC is to be run?

[bryanbutler]

Craig,

 

We each own half of the LLC.

 

I've got some serious thinking to do. At this point my sanity is more important than the business or art career. As long as I'm happy with myself, I could flip burgers.

 

But seriously, Things have got to get better or I'm going to slip into a depressed state. I'm usually the happiest guy in the world, feeling lucky to just be healthy and doing what I love. Lately, I find it hard to get up in the morning and go to the studio with any sort of desire beyond making it through another day. The thrill of the hunt is gone and now it's just labor. I know having to deal with her mood is the main reason. Nobody likes being around someone who can go sour at any moment.

 

Thanks for the advice, although I have already thrown all, that advice at myself before I started the thread. It's going to come down to lawyers, legal fees, squandered opportunities and other mindless crap to straighten this out.

 

No matter how I look at it, the future looks like it's going to be rough sailing and I'm just not looking forward to any of the outcomes.

 

I've never understood how a person can be so unkind to the person the suppsedly love the most. It really warps my brain. If I gave her a reason to act the way she does it would be one thing, but I'm one of the most laid back, devoted, and trusting (to a fault and own detrement at times) people out there.

[anonmem]

Psychotherapy & Medication is next step for her. Period. End of discussion.

[jmargel]

Bryan the reason why she has these anger problems is because she has a maturity problem. Think about it.. Aren't the things she says & does the same as a child when they get angry?

 

I know where you are coming from because my wife has the same problem. What really gets them off is when you respond. The best way to deal with her in this case is to just tell her not to come back to work for a week. That you are too busy to deal with this right now. When she starts screaming & trying to put you down just TOTALLY IGNORE HER. No matter how much of a scene she causes. Once she realizes she can't get to you then she will be faced to deal with her own demons.

 

As long as you don't prolong it, give her reasons to feel upset about you only then can she start thinking 'Well this is really my fault and I am jeopardizing us'. Those long talks really don't mean much because she says & does things out of emotions. We both know the only way to fix that is by going to counseling but she has to WANT to go for herself. If she goes for any other reason I highly doubt it will work.

 

If she acts like a child then treat her like a child. She is ruining YOUR business because of her attitude. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over, expecting different results. Now is time to change things. Tell her to not come to work for a few days. Let her anger cool. Then MAKE an appointment with a licensed marriage counselor and then tell her that you would really like her to come along. Give her that option to want to fix things, not force her. If she refuses no problem. Good chance she probably will at first. Go for yourself. In the mean time then act distant towards her. Don't be mean to her but don't go out of your way to do things for her. Don't be the first to say 'I love you', and whatever you do DON'T APOLOGIZE for that blowout. If you do that, that just validates in her head that what she did was right.

 

Each situation is different but this what works for me. Anytime my wife goes into that childish anger mode I just completely ignore her. It makes her even more angry for a short time but then she usually comes around. The only way to win this game is to not play it.

[Mz. Pixie]

J has some good insight into this, listen to him. But, do find out what your legal options are and be prepared.

[Outcast]

If I gave her a reason to act the way she does it would be one thing, but I'm one of the most laid back, devoted, and trusting (to a fault and own detrement at times) people out there.

 

She's got issues and problems. It's not just 'immaturity'. The inability to relate normally in social situations often is a symptom of a disorder. She needs professional help, period.

[whichwayisup]

JM is right. Treat her like a child when she acts like on and don't get sucked into her game because it's draining you and driving you NUTS!

 

And I really hope she gets help. At the least, anger management! (Ha, why not go rent that movie Anger Management and see her reaction! Just kidding...)

[SamandBran]

I have been reading your emotional breakdown and the scenario you painted out scares me. I can be a very angry person at times as well. More often than not and the just the other day, my DH commented on how I am always upset.

 

In my family, I am known as the "mean one" when in reality, I am the most sincere, genuine family and friend that I know. I allowed my brother to stay with me for 4 months for free until he got on his feet and even gave him my car that I had paid off over a 4 year span, so he could get to work and school and that is just one example.

 

I analyzed when I get mean most times with my husband and it's really happens, I have noticed, when my hubby doesn't support me emotionally. If he doesn't angry for me b/c of something that is going on my life then that makes me angrier. Or if he isn't helping around the house eventhough he's home more (we both work) and he knows my job is very very stressful, that really pisses me off.

 

Alot of things that your wife may be going through, you may not even know or you aren't doing anything to help those things better for her, so she doesn't feel like she's all alone.

 

Sometimes, eventhough, I am married, I feel like I am the only one in my home with my toddler. My son wants to play video games or get on the pc to check the news. I hate to say it but he seems more enthusiastic about defending his friends and doing things with them that this makes me angry as well.

 

We have talked about some of this stuff but you can't make anyone have true feelings towards something that they don't have.

 

Try taking some of the stress from your wife since you handle it better. When the irate customer called, maybe you should have just sent the package off. Don't do it all the time but if you can help her out and you have the time, why not?

 

After awhile, if she's as loving as you say, she'll see this and want to give back to you for all that do and she will in turn be in a better mood and help you when you need it at work as well.

 

My hubby cleans up more and he supports me on decisions like when I said that I want to quit my job b/c he knows my job is horrible. Or he'll give me massages and let me have a "me" day after work. He'll do the cooking and taking care of our toddler so I can relax. When I am done with "me" time, I am usually in a better mood to deal with him and my son.

 

If you love her and she loves you, consider what I said and try to take some of the load off of her plate if just for a little while. She may be feeling overwhelmed. I am probably alot like her and I cannot deal too well with stressful situations, so I get overly upset then everything angers me. I am learning to take a deep breath now though and to not let so much piss me off so easily.

 

Good luck and I hope this helped you.

[Outcast]

SamandBran

 

If your whole family considers you 'mean', it's time to quit blaming others for not doing things for 'making' you angry. What's wrong with you is inside you and you need to get help for it.

 

When we grow up, one of our lessons as adults is how to deal with frustrations and disappointments - and throwing a fit or getting mean is NOT ok. It's an immature reaction to life. For some reason, you haven't developed the ability to manage difficult situations with aplomb.

 

I suggest you see a counsellor asap - your perception that your problems are caused by everybody else is a huge red flag and a signal that something's up with you that needs to be dealt with.

[jmargel]

One thing I learned is when one is born they have a 'free will'. However the next day that baby starts to learn how to adapt to it's envirnoment. While growing up they develop defense mechanisms to deal with certain situations. Such as if their father came home drunk and/or was abusive they would learn to keep to themselves, stay as far away as possible so they wouldn't be the target of his behavior.

When they are put into situations such as those they can't develop fully to deal with the life that is ahead of them. IMO this stuns their emotional growth.

 

When a person grows up they have 3 stages of development. Child, Adult, Parent.

 

When a relationship between two grown people are in a 'Parent' - 'Child' situation the marriage won't last. The one playing the 'Parent' needs to be brought down to just an 'Adult' while the 'Child' needs to gain maturity & responsibility to become an 'Adult'. Only until then will you have a equal, balanced out relationship.

 

What you are basically dealing with here is a child. She's not grown up for one reason or another. Only through counseling will she be able to realize this and to take the corrective action. Until then your 'talks' in which you & I think would be beneifical to her, are in reality to her would be just like her mother or father giving her a lecture during her teenage years. Goes in one ear and out the other.

[bryanbutler]

Thnaks for all the advice. It is greatly appreciated.

 

SamandBran, No offense, but you obviously have missed the point entirely of my problem with my wife. If you are doing the same thing to your family maybe you need to read my comments more closely and take them to heart.

 

I do emotionally support her. I have begged her to leave the business and do her gardening which she loves (she ran a greenhouse for years), work on the new home we are building (she loves to tile). I offered to remove all the stress of a workload from her and hire someone to do her duites. She refuses and her reasoning is she thinks I am suggesting that she is not capable of handling the job responsibilities. It has nothing to do with her ability to do the work, she can , quite good when she wants to. The problem is with inability to accept that people are not perfect and make mistakes like placing the wrong order, making several phone calls with the same question and other monotonous duties that come with the territory. It's just life, everyday life.

 

One does not have to be "mean" to show they need attention. I admit I work a LOT, but I also devote time for me and her to be together. A two week trip to Eurpoe for Thanksgiving, a two week Cruise for New Years, a two week trip back to Europe in March. Not to mention the weekly sushi binges and restaurant adventures and the evenings in front of our TV on the couch.

 

She's an artist, but does no art. I go to the art store to buy supplies, so she buys supplies also. She has a hell of a collection, but that is exactly what it is a collection. No art is ever produced. When I encourage her to cut loose and slap some paint on canvas, she gets bent at me for "nagging her about doing art". Simply said, we have been together 10 years and I have never seen her start a piece of art much less finish a piece. I finish on average 3 pieces a week or more. I think it intimidates her and she is frustated she can't produce at the same pace so she gives up. She wants to the wonderful technical pieces but can't grasp the hours I spend experimenting to produce those nice effects. You just don't wave the magic paintbrush and it happens. It takes practice and lots of it. When she asks why I can do the work so fast, I answer " I draw/paint everyday of my life" With practice comes expertise...but I still practice everyday. I can't even get her to pick up a brush.

 

Hell, I'm a former art insructor (that taught thousands of artists nationally for years) and offer to teach her, but 5 minutes into it she is arguing with me about the way I'm teaching her and trying to prove her way is better...which is when I let her attempt to show me, then she gets frustrated when it doesn't work and turns her anger on me for not teaching her. Get the picture. Total frustration. I gently remind her that I've taught many artists the ropes and if she will be a little patient with HERSELF, that she too can learn. Then the trouble really begins. Lately I have not even touched on the subject. It's just not worth it. Her easel makes a nice coat rack. On a side note I got raked over the coals for takling the coats and old blank canvases off of her easle and used it to hold a wet cnvas while I applied gesso to a new one on my easel. Needless to say after the arguement we had when she came in saw it, I'll never do that again.

 

I'm angry. I'm frustrated. No matter what I do she never can grasp the meaning of "don't stress". I have gone far and above out of my way to accomodate her needs emotionally and otherwise. 98% of the time I walk away wondering why I even try anymore. I'm tired of trying to patch up her tattered angel wings.

 

I need someone that will take my feelings into consideration. When I think of the nights I've sat in the studio working to meet a deadline only to have her walk in, sit down read an email or news article that pisses her off and then take that anger out on me. Especially when I calmly remind her that the studio should be a sanctuary, a creative positive place, not a place to toss about negativity. It's crucial to being a good artist. Usually after I gently say something to the effect of " Honey, why do read these things if they make you so angry?", "Why don't you paint and do something that will make you feel good about the world and forget the world's problems for a while?" The arguement will ensue shortly thereafter because in her mind I can't understand why she is angry and venting. Which I can't. It's illogical.

 

I'll use this analogy...I'm like a rock in the stream, I let the water move around and over me, staying grounded in the stream bed. She on the other hand is like a single stone trying to be a dam, trying to stop the water and analyze why it will not bend to her will...it eventually washes over her and rolls her down the stream paying her no mind. Thus making her furious that the water is stupid for not seeing she is a dam, not a single stone and it should respect her desire to stop it. get my drift. It just doesn't work that way.

 

Thanks for all the comments from everyone. It has really been a comfort for me to read advice that is similar to what I've been thinking myself. I guess reading it coming from an outsider confrms my need to work through this as quickly and efficiently as I can without wrecking myself or the business. That's a tall order.

 

This may sound selfish, but due to the state of my head at the moment, I have to worry about me for a while. Nobody is going to take care of my needs but myself. She surely isn't. She has proven that time and again even after londg discussions to that effect. I'm coming apart at the seams and she could really care less and as long as she is placated.

 

SamandBran, maybe it's time for my wife to take some my stress load off by just being nice and considerate for a change. She sees the hours I work, she knows my workload intimately, she knows how demanding my clients are, she knows I accomodate her needs...and yet she will walk into the studio while I peaceably working along, start and argument, scramble my head and leave...in a heartbeat. That is something I could never do to her.

 

I think it just comes down to a matter of respect for the person you profess to love more than anything or anyone else.

 

I respect and love her, absolutely, and will do anything for her. All that I'm asking is that she do the same for me and get a grip on this anger issue, our lives could be so nice.

 

I'm going to seek counseling for myself since I seem to be the only one in the relationship willing to talk to someone about the problems. I need someone to hear me out and reassure me that I'm not a part of the problem and help me deal with all this stress she is uneccesarily bringing into my life.

 

sorry for the long post...

[Sneakee Monkee]

Hi,

 

You asked this question several posts in under your thread, Can't she see she is killing me slowly?

 

Maybe that's just it- as silly as it sounds, but sometimes some of us don't realize how silly we look until it's shown to us. Kinda like, "My word- am I that FAT?" when shown a photograph or a home video.

 

I can't tell if you've reached your witts end or not yet, but maybe that's just what she needs. To see how she's "killing you slowly." Set up a camera. Tape a typical day and then figure out how to show it to her. I'm just remined of this episode of Dr. Phil this past week where an ex-marine drill instructor was now a step-father of a 12 year old girl and used the same tactics on his little girl as he used to incorporate on military recruits.

 

He didn't realize what a complete jerk (putting it nicely) he was being, nor did believe he was saying the sort of garbage his wife was accusing him of. Once it was on film, it was rather difficult to rebuke.

 

I don't know if this sort of idea would appeal to you, but maybe it would help. Maybe she honestly doesn't understand how she is projecting herself and how it affects those around her, especially you!

 

It might be a juvenile idea, but it might be worth considering...

[Outcast]

Look. This is not a behaviour problem. It is not something you can fix by showing her films or talking to her or rationalizing with her. I'm 99% sure she has a disorder so to expect that you can change her or that she can change herself is expecting a legless person to be able to just get up and walk without any help or tools.

 

I understand how frustrated you are, bryanb, but you *must* understand that this is not something that is ever going to change. Her sort of negativism is one of the more difficult types of symptoms to fix, even when they're treated. You keep saying she 'knows' stuff but she doesn't reallly 'know' it and even if she does, it doesn't have any effect on her. It can't.

 

The problem with invisibile disabilities is that the people with them look normal and even act ok lots of the time, but the rest of the time is the key that the behaviour is way beyond the scope of normal human behaviour. Lots of people say stupid things like 'there's no such things as disorders - everybody has those symptoms' but everbody does NOT behave so badly so consistently that their lives and the lives of others are seriously impacted. That's when you suspect disorder.

 

But the people living with disordered people have trouble getting it into their heads that person with disorder is not going to act, be, or think 'normal' because nothing is visibly wrong. You're an artist - you probably are good at visual imagery. So visualize her with a crack across her forehead or a stamp on her forehead that says 'I'm broken' or something because the more you are able to understand that this is something biological and not just wilful acts on her part, the sooner you will quit being frustrated about it.

 

She absolutely needs psychiatric help. It's a shame you let it go this long, actually, but better late than never. Regardless, you may find you still can't live with her but at least understand that all the logic in the world and all the ideas you have about what she 'should' think or do mean zip. They don't, won't, and can't work on a disordered person.

[lilmoma1973]

 

My h has anger issues and have told him that he needs to get ahold on it !! I was tired of living with someone that i had to constantly walk on eggshells around and can't communicate too well !! I told him i deserve more and if he can't change his ways ,i would have to go!! I wasn't going to continue to keep my daughter here showing his anger and frustrations !! She was starting to act like him with her anger and it had to stop and he has been changing and doing better!! I hope he sticks to it and stays with it!!

[Sneakee Monkee]

Outkast,

I still think that the wife might not realize exactly how she appears to others. She very well may see other people who act as she does, and think they're complete morons. I was trying to interject that maybe wifey doesn't understand how compelling the need for intervention really is, with just the day to day discussions she's had with her husband.

 

I think being presented with hard evidence that can't be refuted such as hidden camera activity might (IMHO) possibly work with helping her understand that she needs some sort of help to behave rationally. And maybe not, but I don't think from his discription that his wife is going to listen to anyone at all but maybe she'd listen to herself if she could hear herself!

 

But then again, with her temper, more than likely, something of this nature would probably just serve to set her off, so I see your opinion, as well.

[Becoming]

Outkast,

I still think that the wife might not realize exactly how she appears to others. She very well may see other people who act as she does, and think they're complete morons. I was trying to interject that maybe wifey doesn't understand how compelling the need for intervention really is, with just the day to day discussions she's had with her husband.

 

I think being presented with hard evidence that can't be refuted such as hidden camera activity might (IMHO) possibly work with helping her understand that she needs some sort of help to behave rationally. And maybe not, but I don't think from his discription that his wife is going to listen to anyone at all but maybe she'd listen to herself if she could hear herself!

 

But then again, with her temper, more than likely, something of this nature would probably just serve to set her off, so I see your opinion, as well.

 

Ditto. I like the tape recorder idea. It couldn't hurt. And if it sets her off, I offer the following suggestions:

 

If you treat her as well as you say you do, she won't want you to leave. But you may have to leave (perhaps on one of your two week trips without her) in order for her to get it. Then make couples counselling a condition for your return with the words, "I love you, but your anger and negativity are killing me."

 

I've had problems with anger. The way I need handled when I'm being stupid and stuck in an adult tantrum is for my husband to say to me, "I want to hear what you have to say because I love you, but I can't hear what it is you're really trying to say to me when you're {yelling, complaining all the time, or whatever the behavior is for you}. When you can speak to me in a normal tone of voice so we can work this out together, I can be engaged in this conversation, but until then, I need a time out." And then walk out. No further conversation until I've calmed down, at which point he does indeed listen. It'll drive her crazy perhaps for you to do this, but don't give in. You've got to treat her like a tantruming two-year-old because that's about what she is for some reason when she starts acting like this.

 

It sounds like she's given her life over to you and is resentful, though of course you didn't ask her to do this. This sounds like codependent behavior. Something's going on with her. Was she abused as a child? Grow up in an alcoholic home? Maybe she's safe enough now with you to start allowing years of rage out. And maybe she doesn't know how to appropriately or where it belongs.

 

She needs help that only counselling can bring. Are there other people you can bring in to do an anger intervention with?