Wife kissed someone else on a nightout

[downonmyluck]

Hey guys,

 

New here, so I apologise if I'm not doing this right.

 

It's been a month since I received a phone call from my wife who was on a night out that she kissed another person. A bit of a background to our relationship, we have been together for almost half our lives and have since that moment only kissed each other.

 

On the early hours of the morning, I received a phone call from my wife that she had kissed another person and was incredibly remorseful. At the time due to shock, I didn't know what to say but my body was shaking and I felt numb and I suppose in denial about what I was just told. The incident as she tells me was that she was dancing on the dance floor on a night out and as her friend went to the bar to get some drinks a guy has approached her and held her hand, he has leant in and they both kissed for approximately 10 seconds with tongues before she broke it off and went outside the club and told me what had happened. I could tell she was very drunk on the phone call and was very upset about what had happened. I know this isn't the worst thing that could of happened and its not a full on affair but this really really bothers me. But I am also aware that seeing her friend wasn't even present for it, she could of not told me and I would have never known what she had done.

 

Since the incident she has been incredibly remorseful and is showing regret and I can tell she is trying her best to try and fix this. But, I am incredibly heartbroken. I can't stop having nightmares when I do manage to sleep and its the first thing I thing about before going to sleep and the last thing I will think about before sleeping, not matter how hard I try not too.

 

I just wished so much that this didn't happen. I love this women so much yet she has caused me so much pain. I never thought she would do this, it just appears to out of character. I have walked into a room in our house since it's happened and found her crying about this.

 

I suppose I'm just looking for any advice about this, I'm desperate. I have already decided I don't want this marriage to end and we are both working to try and fix this. But, I'm not sure if this is normal, I can't bring myself to kiss her since it has happened and I want to get over this.

I trusted this women with everything and would have done anything to make her happy. Any advice to get over this? I know time might be what I need but anything to help me with this will be apricated.

 

Since this has happened I am currently on anti-depressants and waiting therapy.

 

Thank you all, yours truly heartbroken.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry this happened. 

I'm wondering what possessed her to tell you in the first place.  Frankly, she would have been far wiser to kick herself up the rear end and take this to her grave.  By telling you, she's compounded the hurt a thousand times.  

I hate to say it, but just like grief, time and possibly therapy are the main things which will dull the pain.  And if you never find relief from it, you may have to end your marriage.  

As an aside, are sure antidepressants are the right choice for you?  They are supposed to be for ongoing depression which is resistant to therapy - not as a salve for grief or trauma which needs to be worked through.  Further, the description of your feelings doesn't sound like depression.   It's sounds more like a sharper feeling shock and/or anxiety and/or grief.  Did you talk through different medication options with your prescribing doctor?  

Edited April 5 by basil67

[Rony]

Dear Downonmyluck,

 

What strikes me is the magnitude of the contrition your wife is expressing towards you for this drunken "10 seconds kiss". 

Sorry if I'am over analyzing, however, as you said, since her friend was not even able to see it, it may have not stopped at a kiss. When did your wife call you and when did your wife's friend left the club ?  I mean this is the time span during which the event(s) happened and depending on its duration your wife may have been doing "more" than just kissing.   

 

I wrote this because my first advice to be able to go over this, is to know exactly what you have to go over. The lies might be worse than the betrayal.

 

Edited April 5 by Rony

[mark clemson]

Relationships are a choice. If you (and she) are choosing to continue it, but are having trouble doing so due to what she did, then seeing an experienced and professional couple's counselor might be a good idea.

[happyhorizons]

It seems the OP is and will continue to HAVE trouble getting past this.  I just am not sure THIS act would warrant dissolving and otherwise GOOD marriage.  

[Ariadne]

20 hours ago, downonmyluck said:

my wife who was on a night out

 dancing on the dance floor

friend went to the bar to get some drinks...

guy has approached her and held her hand, he has leant in and they both kissed

she was very drunk

phone call from my wife that she had kissed another person and was incredibly remorseful.

awww down

well, what do you expect to happen in such circumstances

prob the guy found her alone and thought she was single ... that is what those dances are for, to meet

next time your wife, that has not much experience, should not put herself in dangerous situations like that

good thing she told you right away!

best of luck, hope you calm down and don`t take that stuff.

[happyhorizons]

12 minutes ago, Ariadne said:

awww down

well, what do you expect to happen in such circumstances

prob the guy found her alone and thought she was single ... that is what those dances are for, to meet

next time your wife, that has not much experience, should not put herself in dangerous situations like that

good thing she told you right away!

best of luck, hope you calm down and don`t take that stuff.

This is a great point. Why did she put herself in that situation to begin with?

[Ariadne]

2 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

This is a great point. Why did she put herself in that situation to begin with?

Hopefully lesson learned for both.

[happyhorizons]

Just now, Ariadne said:

Hopefully lesson learned for both.

Hopefully so…..but still WHY would she put herself in that situation?

[Ariadne]

10 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Hopefully so…..but still WHY would she put herself in that situation?

maybe it was a set up 

[happyhorizons]

Just now, Ariadne said:

maybe it was a set up 

As in the husband set it up to test his wife?

[Ariadne]

4 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

As in the husband set it up to test his wife?

interesting... we should ask down then.

hope things are working out down!

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

This is a great point. Why did she put herself in that situation to begin with?

What “situation”? She was out with her friend, was dancing, and some dude suddenly kissed her. How could she have prevented that guy’s actions? By sitting at home with a veil over her face?

The only bad thing she did was kiss the guy back. That was bad, of course. She knew it, she was clearly remorseful, and she told her husband. Yes, it’s cheating, and it sucks, but the husband has now two choices: 1) Break up with her over that, or 2) Decide to stay together and start healing the wound so that he can forgive her.

[happyhorizons]

9 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

What “situation”? She was out with her friend, was dancing, and some dude suddenly kissed her. How could she have prevented that guy’s actions? By sitting at home with a veil over her face?

The only bad thing she did was kiss the guy back. That was bad, of course. She knew it, she was clearly remorseful, and she told her husband. Yes, it’s cheating, and it sucks, but the husband has now two choices: 1) Break up with her over that, or 2) Decide to stay together and start healing the wound so that he can forgive her.

Yeah you’re right no situation at all just at THE CLUB intoxicated dancing without your husband on yeah kissed him back.

[Gebidozo]

37 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Yeah you’re right no situation at all just at THE CLUB intoxicated dancing without your husband on yeah kissed him back.

Nothing wrong with going to a club with a female friend. Getting intoxicated isn’t healthy, of course, but it shouldn’t automatically lead to cheating. I know ladies who go to clubs all the time, drink pretty heavily, and never kiss anyone but their spouses.

What could be the problem is that she went to the club and got drunk secretly hoping for something like that kiss to happen. But then the problem would be her subconscious desire to cheat, not the going and drinking in itself. And if she’s been having that desire, it’s important to know what has caused it. People who are happy in their relationship don’t cheat.

Couple therapy would be a really good idea if the OP chooses to stay with his wife.

[happyhorizons]

It will be interesting to HEAR how the OP chooses to proceed.  

[Esteban]

A kiss is not even a tenth as bad as sex, it can happen in a moment. The fact that she confessed shows she is probably a good person who made a mistake. I think you just get her to show a little remorse and promise never to do it again, then move on.

[princessaurora]

I would definitely give her the benefit of the doubt on this since she came clean right away. He probably caught her off guard and she didn't have much time to think about what was happening. Add in the fact you're the only guy she's ever kissed before, for a moment, her curiosity got the best of her. 

Of course, let her know it hurt you and try to get her to empathize to make your point. But, ya'll have known each other half your lives, so  I wouldn't suggest blowing your marriage up over some thirsty stranger who tried to seduce a woman he probably didn't even know was taken. 

Edited April 7 by princessaurora
Spelling

[Gebidozo]

10 hours ago, Esteban said:

A kiss is not even a tenth as bad as sex, it can happen in a moment. The fact that she confessed shows she is probably a good person who made a mistake. I think you just get her to show a little remorse and promise never to do it again, then move on.

I don't think it's that simple. Not sure what percentage of the 100% badness that is a full intercourse outside of marriage a kiss might represent, but it is still sexual, it is still cheating, and, most importantly, it doesn't happen just like that. There must have been some issues that have compelled her to do it.

[Stupidkupid]

On 4/6/2024 at 3:11 AM, happyhorizons said:

Yeah you’re right no situation at all just at THE CLUB intoxicated dancing without your husband on yeah kissed him back.

She shouldn't go out and dance? Or drink? Or is it just both at the same time that you have a problem with?

She is allowed to be with friends and do things without her husband there.

She absolutely should not have kissed this man back but he overstepped, she is contrite and sorry, it was a kiss... however hurtful, OP has to decide just how important this is in the scheme of their whole relationship.

[Alpacalia]

I don't know...

My ex-fiance kissed another woman while he was out and I chose not to proceed with the marriage. There were some other issues too but that was the clincher. Maybe it's a bit different when you're married but I couldn't trust him anymore and I knew deep down it would always bother me.

I envy those that can just forgive and forget and move on, but for me, the trust was gone and it was hard to rebuild that. Maybe if I were married I'd feel different, but I've always thought that if someone can do it once after that many years together, what else are they capable of?

Does she know that anti-depressants won't fix your trust? That's something only you can choose to do. As much as it hurts, I believe the best thing to do in a situation like this is to take time for yourself to fully process what has happened and how you truly feel about it. You must not pussy foot around with her and tell her exactly how you feel. Make her see just how much she has hurt you. That’s a really tough situation, and I’m so sorry. If you truly believe you can forgive, which takes time, tell her what privacy you require and take that privacy to think.

Some take longer than others, just don't rush your decision.

[happyhorizons]

I agree with what A ^^ said above.  To your point Kupid, there is certainly not anything wrong with going dancing or out with friends.  Maybe reread the post. 

[tzorno]

Unfortunately it was probably more than just a 10 second kiss.  That's why she's so remorseful and eaten up with guilt.  It's why she even mentioned it in the first place.  It's a tester to see how the husband would react.  I hope i'm wrong, but it just seems odd to even bring it up if it was just a kiss.  Something more is going on.