My ex wants to be platonic friends. Current girlfriend against. Torn.

[agonyandirony]

I'll cut most of the backstory. Went out with my ex for 4 years and we were best friends before that. It was when I lived in another country, so since I broke up with her, we live on other sides of the world. I've been in my new relationship for about a year. She's perfect for me and we are very happy together.

My ex reached out to me wanting to be purely platonic friends. I'll paraphrase but she said, but she is heartbroken at the prospect of me being ok to say goodbye completely after all we have been through. She knows and has no issue with the fact I am in a new relationship, and wants me to be happy. She respects my new relationship and would never cross that boundary. Before my relationship (with my ex), we were best friends, and then became family - she still thinks of me as such. She hoped that if she gave me space we could be friends because I mean so much to her. She misses me, and wants only to have the occasional nice, friendly conversation and catch up. She doesn't want to lose me as a best friend and family, or say goodbye. However, if this is what I really want (saying goodbye to her and not being in contact) she will respect my wishes, even if she doesn't understand it. 

I have been very open and honest with my girlfriend (about receiving this message from my ex) and with my ex (that I am in a new relationship). I told my girlfriend unequivocally that she is my priority. I harbour no romantic feelings towards my ex whatsoever.

My girlfriend thinks I should block my ex. This seems harsh to me and Im struggling to be ok with it. My ex seems to be very respectful, and I'm personally ok with the odd chat - wishing her a happy birthday etc. Obviously there would need to be strict boundaries, but I don't get the impression at all my ex is trying to get back with me? 

I care about my ex, her wellbeing, I want her to be ok. I value the memories we share and in no way want to be back with her. So shutting the door like this seems unnecessarily cruel. However, I adore my girlfriend and know I need to respect her wishes. Doing so I'll feel tremendous guilt though at hurting my ex. 

I feel confused about how I should handle this. I don't want to hurt anyone. 

[NuevoYorko]

If you want to be with the current GF you need to let the past one go.

It's simple.  Make your choice.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Tricky one, since you and your ex were friends before you dated. That adds a different dimension. If you had not been friends before you dated, I would say you want to go "no contact" with the ex. 

Blocking seems way harsh to me since she's not harassing you. She is merely stating that she would like you in her life in some way. 

Now let me back up. You write about your current gf: She's perfect for me and we are very happy together. Dude, I'm sorry: there isn't a human being on this planet who is remotely close to being perfect. And there is something formulaic and generic about the phrase "we are very happy together."  I bring up your current partner because requesting that you block this ex sounds extreme, even unhinged to me. Your current gf could simply say, "I would feel more comfortable if you tell your ex no, you can't be friends." The blocking suggestion is so harsh and extreme in my view that I would mark it as a possible red flag to keep your eye on. Is your current gf seriously insecure or dismissive of other people's feelings? Is she really seeing you as an individual who did have a genuine friendship with this person?

Now, usually it takes time (often lots of time) for exes to be able to become genuine friends. I'm friends with one of my exes, but we were friends before we dated and even so, we went through a period of years when we didn't much talk to each other. 

The practical problem is that frequently people who are dumped (who say let's be friends) really want to get back together as lovers. And sometimes trying to be friends too soon impedes the dumped partner from moving on and dating other people. 

Then there's this: can you REALLY be friends right now with the ex? Here's my definition of a friend. You can talk to a good friend in detail about your current relationship. And she in detail about what's she doing romantically. Unless you can do this, you would merely be pretending to be friends, or merely surface friends, more like acquaintances. 

I would not block this ex just because your current gf wants that. I think you would harbor resentment if you did. So the question is what do YOU really want? Do you really want to be friends with the ex? Or would you just be merely going along to be friends in order to be "nice" to her? 

A middle course might be telling your ex you don't feel you guys can be friends now--that it seems too soon.  And then let some time pass, let some years pass. And see what happens. BTW: your ex's words seem quite reasonable. I don't sense any sneakiness (to win you back) in her language.

It is really up to you to decide how much you are connected to the ex as a friend, how much that underlying friendship survives (without an overhang of romance). And how much you want her in your life as a friend. Again, might need a break to make triple sure that your ex has fully released you as a romantic interest.

 

 

 

 

[basil67]

Serious question: What is missing in your life that the presence of your ex will add?   Is it of enough value that you'd risk losing your current girlfriend?

Edit to add: I don't think you should go as far as blocking her, but I suggest you tell her that being good friends is not appropriate when you've got a new partner. 

Edited April 6, 2024 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

I don't think you should block her or do anything dramatic; I also do not have a general issue with people being friends with their exes.   Unfortunately though, I do not think that any kind of insistence on maintaining this friendship will go over well at all with your girlfriend.  There are many people on these boards and elsewhere who strongly believe that all exes need to remain forever in the past.  If your gf is one of them,  you won't change her mind or talk her into feeling comfortable with this. 

[basil67]

FWIW, I don't see anything wrong with being FB friends and celebrating each other's new loves and lives, but I do think that private conversations would be a step too far

Edited April 6, 2024 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

This is a classic problem for which no simple solution exists.

It’s all about gradation and boundary rules that are unique to each couple.

To me personally, blocking an ex is a harsh, controlling demand. I would only agree to that (or ask for that) if the ex in question is harassing the partner or myself or clearly trying to come back. 

I don’t see anything wrong in keeping occasional contact with an ex. I still talk with my most recent ex, and also with an ex-wife. My fiancée still talks with one of her exes. Trust is the key here.

I think you should have a calm conversation with your GF explaining to her that blocking would be unnecessary,  but perhaps try to reassure her that the contact with your ex is going to be sporadic. Occasional “how’re you doing?” text messages and chats, birthday wishes, and so on. You aren’t planning a real, close friendship with your ex, which include daily texts, one-on-one meetings and such, right?

[basil67]

I would also suggest that you could be FB friends and celebrate each other's lives, but agree to no private conversations.  

[Clockwork]

If your new girlfriend is against it then you probably should honor that. An ex is an ex. There is nothing wrong with seeing how an ex is doing, or even being friendly with one if you see them. I was happy to bury the hatchet with an ex girlfriend a few years ago when I bumped into her. It felt good to do because while I wasn't bitter about anything I did say to her that I was sorry for the things I did a long time ago. Turns out she wasn't bitter either, and it was nice to know she had moved on as well. No reason to not be friendly with each other, or happy for each other. Time does heal all wounds. But I don't need to know how she is doing all the time. I have a new life, a family, etc. It would be alright if I did say hello once in a while, but if I knew my wife didn't like the idea of it then I wouldn't bother. You have to be honest with each other and not give the other person a reason to not trust you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry, but again? 

You have not one but two very similar threads from last year, all about being torn between your ex and your new girlfriend. So, why don't you tell us what is really going on here, and why you're still struggling with this more than a year after you first posted about this? 

Unless you have been in three new relationships since February 2023, all of which your ex has bemoaned? 

Something doesn't line up with you claiming to have moved on. I don't think you have moved on at all or you wouldn't now have 3 different threads on this same issue. 

 

[NuevoYorko]

Yikes.  I just looked at the posting history.  

No girlfriend you have will ever be in favor of you pursuing a friendship with this ex of yours.  You will need to let go of that.  

[ExpatInItaly]

39 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Yikes.  I just looked at the posting history.  

Yes, there is significant backstory here. This current post is lacking context. 

OP, I would urge you to either cut your ex off completely, or break up with your current girlfriend and be single for a while. Blocking your ex is not harsh here given the history between you two. I don't blame your girlfriend one bit for not being okay with you maintaining any kind of contact with her. 

This is not a typical "exes can be friends" story. 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Clockwork said:

You have to be honest with each other and not give the other person a reason to not trust you. 

One of his previous threads reveals that he kept his current girlfriend a secret from his ex for a while. 

There is already a big lack of honety on OP's part. 

[Lotsgoingon]

OMG, I also missed the earlier threads. Your presentation of the situation here  is completely distorted. Thanks @ExpatInItaly!

You do NOT have enough distance from the ex to be her friend. Your May 2023 thread is about which partner you should choose--the ex who wants you back or the new gf. That's not a year. Why did you mislead us? Perhaps you're also misleading yourself?

And then in November 2023, just six months earlier, you're posing this same question you pose here. And  earlier you describe the ex as abusive and unstable. These are totally different conditions than the conditions you laid out in this thread. So there's no question: You cannot be friends with an ex that less than a year ago you were thinking of returning to. You cannot be friends with an ex who is unstable and abusive.

WTF?! Why the distortions?

[ExpatInItaly]

48 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OMG, I also missed the earlier threads. Your presentation of the situation here  is completely distorted. Thanks @ExpatInItaly!

I thought the story here sounded rather familiar, so went to have a look at previous threads. 

I think posters sometimes forget their posting history is very easy to see. @agonyandirony, you need to get real with yourself here, first and foremost. I don't think you're being at all honest with yourself about your real feelings towards your ex, nor your real motivations for not cutting her off.