Maintaining a relationship while your partner has mental health issues.

[Bodi]

Hello. I’m new to this forum, and don’t have the proper person to articulate my emotions to. My hope is that I find clarity from someone else’s perspective.

I’m engaged to a woman that doesn’t fully trust me. This is not a result of infidelity or trauma with me. It’s just who she is. She, unfortunately, has been through a lot. I have been very patient with her and have attempted to understand her views, but I’ll be honest, I don’t see how we’re going to maneuver through her trust issues. I have attempted to nurture a healthy relationship, but I really have concerns about our future.

At times she doesn’t want to see me. I mean literally does not want to see me. I always ask her how are we going to have a life together when you don’t want to see me? Sometimes an entire week will go by and she won’t see me. When she feels she needs space, she cuts me off. I really don’t know how I can continue feeling this way. I’ve told her I’m lonely. At times I feel I should get out and make friends, but to be honest, I’m scared.

You have to understand, I love this woman. But I am not blind to the fact that I can meet someone else. I just don’t want to throw our relationship away. But don’t see how we’re going to make it work if we ever live together.

If anyone out there can offer me some advice I would be very grateful.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, she is not able to be a good partner. Mental illness or not--she is not a good partner.  And is not working towards being a good partner. 

Criteria #1 for a good relationship: no excuses, is the other person a good and attentive and loving and trusting partner?

She needs to go get her own psychological help. You can't give her that. And you're naive--in the way I was and a lot of young people are. You think you can "love" someone into trusting you.  Nope--doesn't work that way. All your "love" will be lost and wasted, the same way it would be if you tried to love a rock into life. 

Time to dump her. Long past time to dump her. 

[Bodi]

I appreciate your directness, Lotsgoingon. It’s funny because I know what I want, but am afraid to know what her life will become once I’m gone. I think that has played a major role in me staying.

Thank you

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, and I feel for this concern as well. But you're giving yourself the role of a babysitter or mother or social worker. That's not romance. You are not responsible for her life--and by assuming you are, you are pretty much saying that she is a low-functioning person that you won't be able to rely on for strength and support. You want to be with someone who independently has their life together. 

[Bodi]

Thank you for the sound advice. I know what I may eventually have to do. I will take no pleasure in breaking her heart, or mine, for that matter.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Bodi said:

You have to understand, I love this woman.

You have to understand, love does not conquer all. Sometimes you can love someone, and still have to leave the relationship because it’s not in your best interest to stay.

And, it’s not in your best interest to stay. 

You are wasting time, treading water, in this relationship. Her mental health issues are significantly affecting her ability to have a healthy and intimate relationship with you. If you have concerns now, those concerns will grow 10x if/when you try to move in or marry this woman. 

I would advise you to think very carefully about your decision to stay in this relationship. 

[Bodi]

Hi, Bailey B. As soon as I finished reading your message she called me. I expressed my concerns and know that we will have to speak in person soon. My future and happiness will depend on my decision. 
 

I appreciate your perspective. Thank you.

[Gebidozo]

Allow me to cautiously disagree with the others on this one.

Cautiously, because they might be totally right and this relationship won’t be salvaged after all.

Disagree, because sometimes people do change, and often they change because of the other person’s love. I changed like that. I used to be similar to your GF in that I was having huge trust issues. The love of a good woman was the catalyst that started the process of soul searching and re-examining my entire life. 

What is essential here is sincere, open communication. You have to discuss those issues with your GF. And she has to make an effort to change. She can work on her issues, and you can help her. If you love her, don’t give up on her just yet. Give her some more time.

[ExpatInItaly]

What steps is she taking to address her mental health issues? 
 

[Bodi]

I was wondering if I was going to receive any advice to give our relationship more time. Thank you, for the words of encouragement, Gebidozo.

 I want to make clear that she is a great woman who is a work on progress as we all are. With love she has changed a lot. But to answer the question from ExpatinItaly, she has done very little to address her PTSD, as she calls it.

Her family tells me they are shocked that she has let someone in her life because - as her mother put it, “ she doesn’t like anyone! “

I’ll tell you guys what brought me to this forum. I recently landed a new job that is twenty minutes from her home. The drive back to my residence from work is typically one and half hours to two hours and a half on a really bad day. Sitting in traffic is torture.

 I have suggested getting a key to her house so we can see each other when she arrives from work. The answer was, no. I understand she has two kids, but they love me. They are of age where they are doing their own thing. One is in her early twenties and the other is sixteen.

 I asked her how much money would it cost me to stay at her house four times a week. Her response was that she was not ready for that. But she wants us to purchase a home together this year! Am I crazy? That makes no sense. Anytime I’m with her in the house she wants to be in the same room! How are we going to build a life?! 

I have brought all my concerns to her multiple times. She may be scared of me leaving because after I told her we had to talk in person last night. I received a call from my mother. They are very good friends. My mother encouraged me not to throw everything away. It was literally the last thing I heard before I went to bed.
 

There are other factors that come in to play if I leave…and I don’t know if I can live with myself knowing that I caused it.

Thanks again, everyone. Life cannot be so cut and dry. It is difficult to walk away from a person when you’ve invested so much of you in them. But I do want happiness. I will have a decision to make soon.

[FMW]

Have you seen any improvement over time?  Is she acknowledging and doing anything to improve her issues?  As has been said, you can't love her out of her problems. 

My significant other has mental health issues that have at times been challenging.  But most of the time he's got them under control and working diligently to keep them that way.

Don't count on anything changing for the better.  If you don't want to go forward with things exactly as they are now, seriously consider your options.

Although you may fear what the effect on her would be if you ended the relationship, don't sacrifice your own well-being.  

[ExpatInItaly]

50 minutes ago, FMW said:

Have you seen any improvement over time?  Is she acknowledging and doing anything to improve her issues?  As has been said, you can't love her out of her problems. 

This. 

1 hour ago, Bodi said:

But to answer the question from ExpatinItaly, she has done very little to address her PTSD, as she calls it.

Has she even been formally diagnosed? 

[Bodi]

27 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Has she even been formally diagnosed?

Not to my knowledge. It’s her own self diagnosis.

[Lotsgoingon]

she has done very little to address her PTSD, as she calls it.

 NEVER date someone who isn't getting help for a condition that interferes with the relationship. Never!

You're foolishly trying to heal her when she won't work on healing herself. That's what mothers do to kids that can take care of themselves.  I would only date someone like your gf if they were getting hardcore professional help. By hardcore I mean multiple therapy sessions a week, individual and group and probably medication as well--and she'd need to be burying herself in books that help her understand her pain and books that inspire her to heal. Even then, it's 50-50 that things could work out.

The chances of you being satisfied in this relationship (without her going for her) is about 1 percent out of 100. 

And look, don't fall for the hero role--I wasted so much time doing what you're doing with a hero mentality.  You repeat what her family said--and I can hear your ego talking. "See I've gotten her to open up a lot. So this is reasonable."

Without help, I guarantee you that if you stay with her, things will be exactly the same in a month, in a year, in five years, in 10 years. In fact, without help, there's a good chance her trauma symptoms will get worse. 

 

 

[Gebidozo]

 OP, honestly, I don't see why it is such a huge deal that she doesn't want to live 4 days with you now, even though she is planning to buy a house. She is obviously stressed and possibly scared of this huge step. Pressuring her and showing her you don't understand her isn't going to help. 

[basil67]

On 4/7/2024 at 2:43 AM, Bodi said:

Sometimes an entire week will go by and she won’t see me. When she feels she needs space, she cuts me off.

Did you know that breaking up with someone who disappears requires no awkward conversations?  If they won't see you, it's because they don't want to see you ....this means that you can simply consider it to be a breakup and end it in your mind.  You're free to date or do whatever you like.

If and when they return, all you have to do is say "you cut me off so I figured we were broken up 🤷‍♂️" and that's that.

I know this sounds harsh, but the whole reason this woman keeps cutting you off is because you allow it to happen. 

[Bodi]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:up 

I know this sounds harsh, but the whole reason this woman keeps cutting you off is because you allow it to happen. 

I couldn’t agree with you more. I’m usually not this guy. I have a decision to make. 

[Bodi]

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

 OP, honestly, I don't see why it is such a huge deal that she doesn't want to live 4 days with you now, even though she is planning to buy a house. She is obviously stressed and possibly scared of this huge step. Pressuring her and showing her you don't understand her isn't going to help. 

She has articulated those feelings to me almost word for word. And to be honest, It’s not a necessity for me to spend the night. I just wanted a place to wind down while rush hour was bad. My conflict is that there was a time in the past when she did offer me to come over whenever I wanted. She gave me the code to the house. I never took her up on it because I worked so far away at the time. By the time I did show up she deleted my code.

This was addressed last night. And she couldn’t give me a good answer as to why the circumstances changed.

[Bodi]

I spoke with her last night. She said she loved me, but I found resistance when I brought up her emotional health. She had just brought the subject up three nights ago and was willing to seek professional help, but she’s not for it now. 
 

I want to elaborate a bit on what Gebidozo commented. I have heard those exact words from her. And I have dialed it back considerably. I do not pressure her. And I think that has allowed the situation to metastasize. I am never one to pressure someone to want to see me. As my significant other you should want to see me. Nothing should be forced.

She said she will open up about some of her reservations due to her past, but at this point I’m unsure if it will help our situation at all. I will once again be the one attempting to mend the pieces of her broken heart. 
 

I’ll be honest. I have one foot out the door. But am willing to have a little more patience and see what she has to tell me. She says she will let me in. We’ll see. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Bodi said:

She had just brought the subject up three nights ago and was willing to seek professional help, but she’s not for it now.

This tells you what you need to know. 

Love is not going to be enough here, and you have been plenty patient. I personally would not continue to put myself through this. 

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, Bodi said:

I spoke with her last night. She said she loved me, but I found resistance when I brought up her emotional health. She had just brought the subject up three nights ago and was willing to seek professional help, but she’s not for it now. 
 

I want to elaborate a bit on what Gebidozo commented. I have heard those exact words from her. And I have dialed it back considerably. I do not pressure her. And I think that has allowed the situation to metastasize. I am never one to pressure someone to want to see me. As my significant other you should want to see me. Nothing should be forced.

She said she will open up about some of her reservations due to her past, but at this point I’m unsure if it will help our situation at all. I will once again be the one attempting to mend the pieces of her broken heart. 
 

I’ll be honest. I have one foot out the door. But am willing to have a little more patience and see what she has to tell me. She says she will let me in. We’ll see. 

I might be wrong, but I like your attitude and I want to believe that your love and your patience will eventually melt her heart and compel her to deal with her mental issues. Hang tight, wish you good luck🤝

[flitzanu]

you're engaged and she doesn't want you in her house.

that doesn't seem weird to you?

i mean, it does seem weird to you, that's why you're posting here about it. 

to me, a lot of it sounds more like she's got something else to hide and using "mental health" as a cheap excuse.

[basil67]

@Bodi you say that you love her.   This idea that I still loved my ex-husband kept me in my previous marriage for far too long.  But once I finally left, I realised that the love had actually gone a long time ago and the truth was that I'd never allowed myself to question whether or not I still loved him.  

I suggest you do an exercise of writing down all the things you love about her.  Write down all the positives she brings to your life and the relationship.   I have a sneaky suspicion that you'll struggle to write more than a couple of things.   

 

[Bodi]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Bodi you say that you love her.   This idea that I still loved my ex-husband kept me in my previous marriage for far too long.  But once I finally left, I realised that the love had actually gone a long time ago and the truth was that I'd never allowed myself to question whether or not I still loved him.  

I suggest you do an exercise of writing down all the things you love about her.  Write down all the positives she brings to your life and the relationship.   I have a sneaky suspicion that you'll struggle to write more than a couple of things.   
 

I respectfully disagree. For the most part when we’re together this woman takes care of me. Are there a lot of things that could and should be worked on? Yes. She has a lot of good traits and a lot love in her heart. But the issues are what they are, and I’m struggling to brush this off. That’s why I’m in this position. If I didn’t love her I would leave. Period.

I’m very much on the fence at the moment. We still haven’t spoken in person. The outcome may be inevitable. My heart is not at peace right now. She knows I’m conflicted. I tried leaving her before and she convinced me not to leave. This time it’s different because I thought we had grown as a couple. And when I was shutdown, a part of my heart shutdown as well. Do I still love her? Yes. Will I be better off without her… Only time will tell.

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, Bodi said:

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Bodi you say that you love her.   This idea that I still loved my ex-husband kept me in my previous marriage for far too long.  But once I finally left, I realised that the love had actually gone a long time ago and the truth was that I'd never allowed myself to question whether or not I still loved him.  

I suggest you do an exercise of writing down all the things you love about her.  Write down all the positives she brings to your life and the relationship.   I have a sneaky suspicion that you'll struggle to write more than a couple of things.   
 

I respectfully disagree. For the most part when we’re together this woman takes care of me. Are there a lot of things that could and should be worked on? Yes. She has a lot of good traits and a lot love in her heart. But the issues are what they are, and I’m struggling to brush this off. That’s why I’m in this position. If I didn’t love her I would leave. Period.

I’m very much on the fence at the moment. We still haven’t spoken in person. The outcome may be inevitable. My heart is not at peace right now. She knows I’m conflicted. I tried leaving her before and she convinced me not to leave. This time it’s different because I thought we had grown as a couple. And when I was shutdown, a part of my heart shutdown as well. Do I still love her? Yes. Will I be better off without her… Only time will tell.

Again, why do you love her?  How does she make you feel valued and cherished?