My ex flipped out on me because of how I handled her aunt's passing. Why is she so angry? Was I wrong?

[due_nail_5550]

She and I were together for 5 years and we had looked at rings and even picked out our wedding song a few days before we broke up; I broke up with her a few days later (we had gotten into a fight). About 3 weeks later, after the breakup, her aunt died suddenly. She was very, very close to her. She was her “second mother”. Admittedly, I was still checking her Instagram stories and saw that she made a post about her death, saying how devastated she was and how she had just been with her aunt days prior (there was a lot more to it, but that was the gist). So, that's how I knew her aunt had died but I didn't reach out because we're not friends on social media and I didn't want her to know that I had been creeping on her page.
The next day, her friend, who lives a block away, came to get her things. I asked her friend when she would see my ex again (I put her things in the luggage that I want back). She told me she didn't know because she and her family were going through a lot because her aunt passed away. Later on that day, I texted her and said, “Sorry to hear about your aunt”. She replied and said thank you and that she was devastated. I told her I could imagine and to give my love to her mother (her mom is the oldest of the five sisters so they’re all extremely close). She replied and said how she and her mom hadn’t slept or eaten in days. I didn’t say anything back. This all happened over a month ago, so we’ve been broken up for about 2 months now. I contacted her a couple of days ago, but she didn’t reply. I sent another text asking if she saw my text. She sent this long text that said:

“ I did see that you contacted me but I have nothing to say to you. I’ll just make my peace and then that’s it. I know we were broken up but we were together for 5 years and had just gone ring shopping only a few weeks prior to Annie (her aunt) passing and all you could say was, “sorry for to hear about your aunt”. A measly, cold text. I could understand if we had been broken up for months but it had only been three WEEKS. If it were me I would’ve said, “I’m so sorry to hear about your aunt, I know how much she meant to you. Please let me know if you or family need anything”. Better yet I would’ve picked up the phone to call you. I especially wouldn’t have ignored you when you told me you had eaten or slept in days. I would’ve called to check in you. I also would’ve called or texted your mother to send my condolences or mailed the family a card.

Years ago when you randomly texted me at 2am (*we were broken up at the time) about you being in the hospital for your ankle I asked what hospital you were at and showed up, sat with you until they discharged you the next day, helped you home and got you food and your meds, all to make sure you were okay because you have no family here (*my family is in the Midwest) and because it was the right thing to do. I did all of those things, no questions asked. You didn’t ask for me to show up that, I just did. I did all of that for an ANKLE and you could extend the same courtesy for the death of a loved one? When James died last year (*my close friend who committed suicide), I cooked meals for his family that week as they planned his funeral and offered to help in any way that I could. They weren’t even your family but you were close to his family so I did those things, again, because it was the right thing to do. When we got robbed, I jumped on his back when he lunged toward you to protect you. I got assaulted and had a fractured skull to protect you. Or the same year we were broken up and you texted me how you had to get xrays because you thought you broke your ribs and I said to keep me posted on results and if you needed help to let me know, and I genuinely meant it. When you needed me when were broken up I was there for you, each and every time.
I don’t regret doing any of those things because it was the right thing to do. You haven’t shown up for me once, not even when I was the hospital years ago.Again, I know we were broken up and maybe I shouldn’t have expected much, if anything at all, but again you went from saying how you wanted to marry me, or so you say, and took me ring shopping to sending a half-assed text and then ignoring me - you couldn’t have even be bothered to say “I’m sorry to hear about your aunt”, instead it was “sorry to hear”, as if it was a shrug to you. Even if I knew that we would never get back together again I would’ve handled things so differently than you. I would’ve done much more and been a lot more caring because we had loved each other for so long. We are clearly very, very different people. So yes, I saw your messages, and no I don’t have anything else to say to you. I don’t think you’ll respond, but if you think that you want to, don’t; I am requesting that you don’t reply. After today, I have nothing else to say to you”.

Her text honestly threw me off. Why is she upset? We were broken up. I don’t get the anger here...

Edit: Because I'm sure someone will ask, when she was in the hospital, her mother was in Europe at the time and couldn't make it back in time, so I told her that I would go take care of her. I hate to admit this, but my ex is bringing up that time she was in the hospital because I didn't go see her in the hospital; I decided to go out of town with another woman.
 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

 

Tough one. I don't think there is a right or wrong here. But I do see your ex’s point.

Sounds to me that she did have a record of taking care of you (multiple times) when an emergency occurred even though you two had broken up. I'm a guy and I don't hate guys, but here's one knock against guys--and I don't know if this applies to you. But somehow I get the sense that you didn't powerfully and gratefully acknowledge and thank her for helping you during these breakups. And I'm guessing that she felt that lack of acknowledgement--even if she raise a fuss about it. So she’s had some resentful about for a while—that’s my guess.

Sounds to me that those times she took care of you during breakups simply were not in your mind when you heard of her aunt's death. You didn't see aunt's death as a chance to repay her.

Here's a story from my life. My ex and I had a terrible divorce. And still when my mother died and father died and brothers died, I sent her an email notification each time. And she wrote long thoughtful, kind responses. When one of my brothers died that I had a particularly conflicted relationship with, I emailed her and she sensed my torment and asked if I wanted to talk. And I did.

My ex was actually the only person in my network who really knew my brother well and knew the history of my pained relationship with my brother.  So even though we had been divorced for 9 years at that point (and she had remarried) she listened to me and helped me process my conflicted feelings. We talked for a good hour! And her presence was so healing. She gave me a gift.  

When her mother died about three years ago, she notified me, and I sent a kind responsive message to her and offered to listen to her if she wanted to talk. But she is married and her husband knew her mother well, so she didn't need me to help process her feelings about her mother---who had actually treated my ex pretty badly. I offered to help her process things because she had done the same for me!

So, did my ex owe me these kind consoling responses? But you and your ex were only separated for weeks. It's not "official" in any way, but yes, exes often do step up to help the other especially when a breakup has been recent. 

I'm not saying she's right, but I see her point. I don’t think you REALLY registered the times she helped you (during a breakup) so you didn’t feel any desire to help her. 

 

[basil67]

 

4 hours ago, due_nail_5550 said:

Why is she upset? We were broken up. I don’t get the anger here

I'm not going to get in to the debate of whether you were right or wrong, but I think she's given an extraordinary amount of clarity on why she's upset and angry with you.   

[due_nail_5550]

33 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

I'm not going to get in to the debate of whether you were right or wrong, but I think she's given an extraordinary amount of clarity on why she's upset and angry with you.   

I know she has but I don't understand why given that we're broken up.

[basil67]

11 minutes ago, due_nail_5550 said:

I know she has but I don't understand why given that we're broken up.

Read her message slowly.  She gave you the reasons why she feels this way.   

That you don't agree with her reasons doesn't mean that they aren't valid to her.

[Lotsgoingon]

17 minutes ago, due_nail_5550 said:

I know she has but I don't understand why given that we're broken up.

Hold on, I just pointed out that she helped you multiple times when you were broken up. Hello?! She points out all the ways she helped you despite a breakup.  Spells out her help and support with multiple examples with very specific context to each example. 

Did you read her message in full? Look, many of us are skimming a lot these days, but a note like this one---you have to slowly read every sentence of it--several times perhaps. 

She's angry that went out of her way to help you through a crisis when you guys were separated and that you didn't repay the favors. 

Edited April 6, 2024 by Lotsgoingon

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, due_nail_5550 said:

I don't understand why given that we're broken up.

How do you not understand? She outlined it very clearly in the message she sent you. 

My guess is that you do understand what she is saying, but you don't agree with her stance or her reaction to this. However, it's also irrelevant now. You two are not together anymore and it's pretty clear she wants to move on from the relationship. 

And really, if this break-up number 2, you two obviously had other big problems and this needed to end anyway. Wondering if she's mad at you is pointless. Focus instead on accepting it's really over and let her go. 

[d0nnivain]

I'm big on showing up.   It was only 5 weeks after a breaking up following a long serious relationship.   You should have done something to commmorate the aunt's passing, flowers or a card 

My EX & I had been broken up for a year when his father died.   I had helped plan the mother's funeral.  I sent flowers & called his sister asking what would be better -- me showing up or staying away.  I abided by the request that I stay away. 

My grad school BF's dad died a few years ago.  We run in the same professional circle & his dad was relatively "famous"; the obituary made local news.  I sent a card & called him.   

There are times in life that genuine human compassion mean you reach out.  

Edited April 10, 2024 by d0nnivain

[Acacia98]

On 4/6/2024 at 8:38 PM, due_nail_5550 said:

Later on that day, I texted her and said, “Sorry to hear about your aunt”. She replied and said thank you and that she was devastated. I told her I could imagine and to give my love to her mother (her mom is the oldest of the five sisters so they’re all extremely close). She replied and said how she and her mom hadn’t slept or eaten in days. I didn’t say anything back. This all happened over a month ago, so we’ve been broken up for about 2 months now. I contacted her a couple of days ago, but she didn’t reply. I sent another text asking if she saw my text. 

Why didn't you say anything back after she opened up to you about her and her mum's failure to eat or sleep for days? I mean, that's cold, especially considering the fact that you're the one who initiated the conversation.

I think it might have been kinder for you not to reach out at all. Being consistently silent is kinder because at least the person knows not to expect anything from you. Acting as if you care then walking away from the conversation when the person shows vulnerability is cruel.

To add insult to injury, you decided to reinsert yourself into her life a while later and expected her to acknowledge your new message. So maybe you don't realize it but what you conveyed to her there was that it was okay for you to ignore her message but it was not okay for her to ignore yours.

Edited April 11, 2024 by Acacia98