For those that seperated and found someone prior to or immed. after

[mlchris2]

I need some help.... Prior to and up to this point, I've had a suspision that my "wife" (still not divorced) is seeing someone.

 

I have found several peices of information that would strongly suggest there is something going on between my wife and this other man. It ranges from suspisious activity.... lying...txt msgs on cell phones... call records...even caught them alone together in my house. I could go into detail, its apparent that something is going on.

 

I asked her when we seperated (even though I knew the reason we seperated) if there was someone else... she said no. Everytime I would find something that wouls suggest otherwise and I confronted her, she would say "no" and tell me "if there was someone, she would tell me". When asked to explain the txt msgs, the suspsious activity, the night I caught them alone, she tells me "their just friends... he stays the night when he is drunk or when is daughter stays over... i didnt want you to cause a big scene that I bring friends over..." and other excuses that really dont explain much.

 

So I ask all you members (who have been in a similar situation or have done something similar to their spouse and wasnt honest even though you told your ex you were) for some help understanding the Why and How of this situation.

 

Is there any way that I can convince her to stop lying to me(if she is in fact cheating)?

 

thanks

[Mz. Pixie]

Chris,

 

Yeah, she's lying to you and she's cheating. Speaking as one who has done it, the signs are all there.

 

Quit putting up with her lies. She's already moved on. If she were truly just wanting to separate to get some space all of this wouldn't be going on.

 

Unfortunately cheaters lie, and hon, they all say the same things. It's funny that I thought I was original in the lies I told my exhusband- but it's the same old script. NO MAN is going to spend the night at a womans house as much as this guy stays over and not be GETTING SOME.

 

They lie because of several reasons-

 

They don't want to hurt the other person.

They don't want to admit what they are doing.

They think they are justified.

They don't care what the other person thinks but they don't want others to know.

 

The list goes on and on.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Are you legally separated … written agreement drafted by an attorney and signed by both parties?

 

If so, you need to ask your attorney whether or not seeing other people during your separation period constitutes as adultery. In many cases, once the papers are signed and agreed upon by both parties, it doesn't. It depends on the 'terms' of that separation agreement and laws in your state.

 

During my own legal separation, we were both free to date other people while we waited the two years for the divorce to be finalized. The terms of our agreement read:

 

"The parties shall continue to live separate and apart, free from interference, authority and control by the other, as if each were sole and unmarried..."

 

Ironically, the courts seemed more concerned about whether or not the separated parties were having consensual sex or spent the night under the same roof during the separation period. I had to bring a witness to the final hearing with the magistrate to testify in my behalf that no attempt at reconciliation had been made between myself and my spouse during that time. Had there have been any hanky-panky (or even if we had spent the night under the same roof), either of us could have used that opportunity to contest the divorce and postpone the final hearing. In short, we'd have to start the two year waiting period all over again.

 

Is there any way that I can convince her to stop lying to me(if she is in fact cheating)?

 

No.

 

But then again, if the two of you are separated, only an attorney could advise you whether or not she is actually "cheating" and therefore in violation of your separation agreement … providing, of course, that there actually is one (???)

[Mz. Pixie]

Enigma,

 

The thing with having sex with the separated person? That's because the courts consider the "separation" from the point of the last time you had sex.

 

In my state, anything that happened before the sex- for instance adultery- cannot be called into question if the spouse has been intimate with the other spouse since the finding out about the adultery.

 

When I was divorcing my exhusband, my attorney actually told me to have sex with him so that he couldn't say I'd committed adultery.

[EnigmaXOXO]

That sounds nutts.

 

But it's nice to know, cause if ever I need legal council ... I'll certainly make sure to stear clear of "The South."

[dgiirl]

mlchris, your wife's gonna do what she's gonna do. She did it during the marriage, she'll do it during the separation and she'll do it once you're divorced. You cant make her tell you the truth. It sucks that she cannot be honest with you, but honestly, you two are separated. Is she working on any reconcillation? If not, you cannot control who she spends her time with, so there's no point in worrying about it. Let her do what she wants to do and move on. The sad truth of life is, we cannot control other people and no matter how much you'd like to tie someone to a chair and say you cant leave, we simply cant do that. We have to let people go and hope they come to their senses. If not, we move on and make ourselves our top priority again.

[Zetter]

Mlchris, I just went through this when I was freshly separated. Only she was honest with me to a point. I got the "oh, I just had too much to drink so I stayed on the couch," and "he kissed me, but he was drunk." Then I got the $500 phone bill. A bunch of BS. It's a bunch of hurt and pain and it gets worse before it gets better, I'm sad to say. The explanations I got ranged from she didn't feel married anymore to I ignored her for so long that she needed support from someone else. That made it justified in her head, and she didn't consider it cheating. She felt guilty, and would ask if I could forgive her, and then fire back with some more justifications later on. She was confused and didn't want to be with me anymore, so she played mind games with herself. And many more with me. Good luck, man. I wish you the best.

[scobro]

My wife denied it too, right until the end.I caught her in too many questionable scenarios that I finally said "just tell me the truth it's easier for me to accept than all this detective guess work"she said also to me "if it was true and thereb was someone else I would tell you".My friend saw them together at a bar ,his hand on her knee and this is 3 weeks after she ended things.So finally she admitted it but said she is just getting to know this guy and are casually dating he it's not the reason she is ending the marriage. Whatever, this is her third marriage over and she is 37 so I feel bad for the next guy in line(well not that bad:p )

 

I also find it amazing that people will deny it when it is so blatently obvious.I caught my wife on the phone with this guy and she denied it when I heard the guys voice.She even denied she was with the guy until I said one of our friends saw her at the restaurant /bar together.I would think admiting it would be the easy way to go but then again there must be a lot of guilt and in my wifes case she cheated on her last husband so I guess it looks pretty bad but when you get caught just admit it rather than deny it and look even more foolish.Sorry for your experience too bad you have to go through it because I know it really is hard times for you right now.

[gfto]

First of all, I have never been married, so obviously I've never been in this situation. I can shed some light on the how and why. At some point in the marriage, she slowly began losing her romantic interest in you. (We'd need more specifics to know how and why that happened.) You probably saw the signs. Did she gradually become less affectionate and a little more argumentative? I thought so. "Separating" is the dating equivalent of her telling the guy that she "needs some time out/space/etc." It means that her interest level in you has sunk to the point of no return, and she's looking for your replacement. (In this case, it sounds like she's already found him.) Sorry. When she hits that point, she no longer respects you and couldn't care less about your feelings.

[mlchris2]

sorry for the delayed response...

 

My wife and I finally had a break through. I drove across the state late one night as I was feeling more pain that I could bare and needed some answers. We had a long discussion about most things. She admited to me that her actions during our separation were uncalled for and she realizes, its not what she wants to be doing with her life.

 

The other man is not an issue and wont be. She realizes that the things she did would be evident enought of an affair and nothing has gone on between them. She told him that the nights of drinking and him spending the nights will need to stop.

 

I whole-heartedly believe her... this is the first time in years she has opened up to me like this. If felt good.

 

She still claims she has lost her love for me and insists on divorce. I now feel better about the situation and plan on seeing what happens...

 

thanks all.

 

MC

[Mz. Pixie]

You are still believing her crap.

[Spurned]

What Mz. Pixie said.

 

Didn't want to be the first to say it.

[nicki]

Yup, she's seeing someone. Your marriage is over. She's moved on. Sorry if that sounds harsh. It can help to hear it, though. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can heal.

 

My lawyer told me most people have someone on the side when they separate. I didn't, but shortly after I did. After all, I felt single.

 

If you aren't getting back together, then the healthiest thing to do would be to proceed with your divorce.

 

She's probably going to lie until you are legally divorced. That's what I did, for many reasons. I didn't want to hurt my ex. I didn't want to lose out in the divorce settlement because he was mad.

 

Bottom line: Put your energy into rebuilding YOUR life. Go out on a date yourself. Stop going to the person who is causing you pain and expecting comfort.

 

There are plenty of women (when you are ready) who will comfort you.

 

You will be okay soon.

[mlchris2]

sorry for the delay....

 

Well after I posted, I felt really depressed. I was alone New Year and called my wife to wish her a Happy New Year, etc. She told me her resolution this year is to get me out of her life. This crushed me, so I drove out to the woods to commit suicide (currently seeking help for this). I couldn't do it, so I called her for help. She drove across State to help me. We talked without fighting for the first time in months.

 

I told her how I was feeling, etc. I didnt hold anything back. I told her that I felt as though she was cheating by all the things she was doing, and the things I was finding.

 

She told me that she was doing those things out of hate towards me. She told me that she saw what she was doing and how bad it was really hurting me and the kids and her family. She told me that she hasnt even kissed the guy or doesnt even have feelings for him. The last thing she wants to do is be in a relationship.

 

I made sure she knew how I felt about her and what I truely wanted.

 

this talk was a big weight lifted off my shoulders. I cant explain it, I dont even understand it.... it was as though I felt instantly better about the situation I was in.

 

I asked her what she wanted... she told me a divorce. She said "If you truly love me as much as you say you do, then you will let me go and it will work itself out in the end." I agreed, but felt bad she was using that old addage.

 

I found out she talked to her mom a few weeks before about what she was doing and has changed her ways and isnt doing the things she used to do.

 

I feel bad that the divorce is really going to happen, but feel thats what I need to stay some-what sane and what she needs to really find out what she wants.

 

thanks for listening all of you....

 

I might be stupid for listening to her, but its like i said... she finally gave me a truthful answer and we didnt argue like we have before when this topic was discussed.

 

thanks again...

 

MC