how to proceed..

[weez]

i tried posting this yesterday, but i don't think it went through.

 

my gf and i of 4 years split up back in the beginning of november. we spent some time apart with very little contact, she went on a couple of dates with a guy she worked with, and i went on a couple of dates with some girls who were just friends because i was always "taken". i was starting to get over the whole situation, until about 2 weeks ago.

 

a little background. we rarely fought, and it was never a huge fight. but i had some issues i wasn't dealing with. i wasn't keeping my money straight, so i'd have to ask her for help every now and then. i wasn't doing the little things either.. like giving her reminders that i was always thinking of her.. even though i was. eventually she felt like i was taking her for granted.. so she packed my stuff one afternoon (we weren't living together.. but i stayed over a lot).. and that's what i found when i came home from work. she had a couple of issues as well. she never communicated how she was feeling about things. our fights usually happened when i would do one of those "straw that broke the camel's back" things.. which was about once a year. so i don't consider myself completely at fault.

 

since the split up.. i've simplified my life a lot to handle the stresses that were causing me to be so distracted in the relationship.. and in life in general. my job was suffering.. as well as my other personal relationships. i'm moving out of my apartment with my 2 roommates to live alone for the first time in my life.. and i've put myself on a budget to ensure that i can live independently. i also quit my band.. because they want to take the plunge and go on tour.. and i've pretty much realized i don't want to take that risk with my existing career.

 

so.. back to 2 weeks ago. i was pretty much done with all the grief and whatnot.. and hadn't really thought about the situation much in the past month.. but i had a nagging depression that i couldn't put my finger on. i was laying in bed about to go to sleep.. when i got a flood of memories. i didn't sleep at all that night. the next day.. i sent her a short email.. just telling her that i had been thinking about her.. and that i still missed her. she emailed back and said she had been pretty depressed about everything and that she missed me. i sent her a text that afternoon and asked if she wanted to take a walk with me after work. so we did that. we walked for about 2 hours around her neighborhood and talked about how things were going with work and life and such. then eventually we started talking about the relationship and what went wrong.

 

since then.. we've really opened up some lines of communication. we're both realize that to jump back into the relationship full force simply puts us right back where we were, but we've been spending more and more time together. our first date was a movie on christmas night 4 years ago.. so this year.. we did the same. we've started being affectionate with each other again.. but it's equivalent to the affection we showed during the first few months of dating, in fact.. that's what this whole situation feels like if you don't consider the aspect that we were previously involved for so long. the first time i kissed her since we split up.. i had the butterflies and all that jazz before it happened. but.. i digress.

 

so.. i guess what i'm asking.. is with all the improvements i'm making on myself.. and the fact that we're really communicating now.. should i take the chance? we're both so right for each other.. and based on my previous relationships in the 24 years prior to meeting her.. she is a rare find.

 

or.. am i simply setting myself up for another disappointment?

[weez]

well..

 

the lack of a reply from anyone should have told me something.. but as with many things in life.. you have to learn it the hard way.

 

after quite a few nights of spending time together.. and getting affectionate.. and all that.. she finally told me that she felt like i was trying too hard to make things work again.

 

so.. i am beginning a stint of NC. i only hope i have the strength to do it. i was pretty much over the whole thing when i had a moment of weakness and emailed.. so now i have to revisit all those feelings once again.

 

i plan to keep posting here.. but it'll probably be under the "coping" section. i've accepted that while i love this girl with all my heart.. no amount of reinvention of myself is going to change the fact that she doesn't love me anymore.

 

i was the person instigating contact recently. if she tries to contact me in the future.. i hope i can stay strong and not give in to the urges to talk to her once again.

 

it's time to work on myself.

[Xillr8ng]

I have found that the best way to attract my seperated wife..(5 months now) We were married 13 together 17.....Was to stop chasing her...The more I chased the more she withdrew...it wasnt until recently that I stopped focusing on her and started focusing on myself and a whole new routine for me...for me it was no more drinking no more cigarrettes no more party buddies at the house...BTW...the freinds always coming over or always living at our home did far more damage than I could have ever expected.Do not shut her out but limit contact to HER calling you only....and at best keep All conversations to 5 minutes...Do not be rude be busy...do not say that you are busy just at the 5 min mark just say "wow I didnt realise the time,I have to be somewhere or do something"....and never say "Iloveyou"!!! She knows this already...Just say "is it o.k. to call you later?"...and then do not...My 2 cents.

[Becoming]

Some people need to be chased. Others find it sickening. Yet others drive ya crazy vascillating between the two!

 

You simply need to be honest with her about where you stand and what does and does not feel good to you with regard to how you want things to proceed from here on out. Do you really want (a) no contact? Or (b) are you secretly hoping she'll contact you when she realizes she can't live without you, etc.? If a--tell her thanks for the lovely memories and go cold turkey. If b, then leave the door open and put the ball in her court for her to contact you if there should ever be a change of heart.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you and that we weren't there for your initial post.

Good for you for all the positive changes you've made in your life!

[weez]

day one of no contact has come to a close. i can't say i feel great.. but i had a couple of experiences today that helped me feel like i'm going to get through this. i'm sticking to my workout regiment and hopefully i can put down the cigs for good soon.

 

this is time for me. that's the biggest part i'm looking at. far too long i've made myself live up to everyone's expectations.. without taking time to figure out what i want out of life. she was a wonderful person to be with.. but maybe we're just not quite the ones for each other.

 

only time will tell. until that revelation comes.. i'm going to keep myself busy.. and hopefully soon.. happy.

 

thanks for everyone's input.

[Becoming]

day one of no contact has come to a close. i can't say i feel great.. but i had a couple of experiences today that helped me feel like i'm going to get through this. i'm sticking to my workout regiment and hopefully i can put down the cigs for good soon.

 

this is time for me. that's the biggest part i'm looking at. far too long i've made myself live up to everyone's expectations.. without taking time to figure out what i want out of life. QUOTE]

 

 

 

Yeah! Good for you you!

 

Seriously, figuring out who you are without trying to meet everyone else's expectations really is some of the hardest and most significant work of our lives. I applaud you!

[weez]

apparently, when the ex finds out of your impending relocation to a state 2000 miles away (months from now.. and it was our plan in the first place).. it makes her think. she called me out of the blue last week.

 

thanks to Becoming for the advice on that. i put the ball in her court.. and then went on about my life.

 

i saw her a few nights after she called.. and we talked for a few minutes.

 

then we met for lunch the next day to finish the conversation.. went for a walk.. then we talked again that night.

 

she's still a bit confused. she wants to make sure it's ME that she's missing.. and not just missing being with someone. i am being VERY cautious.. because i've already been burned once. i did not instigate this.. however.. and we have been taking things much MUCH slower than last time we tried to work things out. i made sure to ask how we need to proceed with this to keep us both from making ourselves too vulnerable (thanks again Becoming). she said we should hang out.. kind of like friends.. but without worrying about crossing "some lines" as she put it. also.. i'm not the one making the phone calls every time. i've made it a point that she has to come to me. i'm not instigating physical contact either. these things.. i will leave up to her. if she truly wants to be with me because she loves me.. i don't have to.

 

after lunch and walk.. we've had a couple of nights together. it has been really good. we're hanging out and remembering what we enjoyed about each other's company. if magic's gonna happen.. it won't need to be forced.. which is what i tried to do last time. it's been nice so far and i know i still love her immensely.. but like i said.. i'm still very cautious.

 

she may still have a bit of my heart.. but my self-esteem is all mine now.

 

i will keep everyone posted. the great thing is.. whether it works out or not.. there's going to be a happy ending to this story for me. i'm happy with myself.. and that's all that matters now.