almostthere Posted December 29, 2005 Share Posted December 29, 2005 OK...So things are getting serious between my bf and me. We have been dating for 9 months and me and my kids sleep over at his house more then we sleep at home. We have both been amrried before and arent about rushing into things. However, this just feels right to us. I just met his family for 3 hours on Christmas and they are nothing like my family. I come from a strict Catholic family. Most of the people in my family are successful in their life. None smoke pot or use drugs. Most are married and still with their first wives. All own nice homes. None of us swear in front of the young children in our family and we all treat each other with respect. I'm not trying to say we are perfect. My cousin was murdered 5 years ago at the age of 30 because he owed some drug dealer some money. He was stabbed repeatedly and run over about 3 times by the same car. Someone hated him. He came from a dad who beat him. We dont talk to that part of our family for reasons way too personal to list here. Thats my moms sisters husband. They live 500 miles away. And my dad cheated on my mom. They are divorced now for 16 years. Other then that...everyone else is fine. When I got over to my bf's family's house everyone was swearing in front of the kids. The kids were getting yelled at and sworn at. Go play the f*cking video game is one example. No one talked normal to each other. Everyone has some kind of attitude. Telling the children to give them a kiss and then go away. Their homes are all in major need of repair...small...messy. almost dirty. at least 3 people smoked pot right out in the garage in the middle of the party. Long hair on the guys, no teeth for some. low income jobs and such. I never thought of myself to be about materials but I do want my children growing up in a nice clean well put together home. It doesnt have to be big but it has to be really nice inside. I dont swear at my children and never would. The most I slip up with is dam. or if I get hurt sometimes I mutter sh*t. But thats quietly and I apologize. I guess my big thing here is its more about the person your with 24/7 then the family right? I liked/tolerated my ex inlaws. They had the same moral and value systems I have. I appreciated that about them. They were all in all a good family. So I have never had to deal with any of this. If I am only seeing the family on holidays how much of a bother will this be? Anyone have experience in this? It would be a major help. I mean to keep all this away from them there is no one in his family except maybe his dad that I would have around the kids. It just seems everything is pointing for the door recently. It feels I should leave. there is so much wrong in my opinion that I feel this may be pointless. and I should leave before we get more attached. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted December 29, 2005 Share Posted December 29, 2005 Thinking about moving in with someone but I dont like his family... it's a good thing you're not moving in with them then. You've known the guy for 9 months. Are you going to change your opinion of him now that you've met his family? (btw - you realise you've said nothing about him?) Seems pretty shallow to me. Maybe he's the one who deserves better. When it comes to family we have to deal with what we're given - you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. Neither could he. Link to post Share on other sites
Author almostthere Posted December 29, 2005 Author Share Posted December 29, 2005 Well...I just posted the swearing thread about him. I guess I am trying to convince myelf that the more I ask his not to swear in front of my kids and be a little nicer to his...then maybe he will start doing it. He is the one that says go play your f'n video game to his 6 year old son. he swears all the time. to, in front of, and at his children. And I wont allow anyone to do that to my kids. his kids are 8,7,6 years old. Link to post Share on other sites
Author almostthere Posted December 29, 2005 Author Share Posted December 29, 2005 he also allows his brother and stepson to smoke pot in the house. And sometimes my kids are there. I almost walked out the time they did when my kids were there and they did it right in the family room while my kids were awake and in is bedroom 20 feet away. That goes against all my morals. I dont want my kids exposed to that. He used to smoke pot until he met me. Then he quit. So he obviously doesnt see a problem with these activities in front of children. But I do. The hard part is that we get along so well. my kids like him so much. but he is so different with my children then his. I am afraid once he gets used to them he will change. and be like he is with his own. and no one is going to speak to my kids like they are stupid. And he never better ever use a swear word in any sentence directed toward my kids. This is so complicated right now. Nice guy but it seems like there is just so much different between us. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted December 29, 2005 Share Posted December 29, 2005 Well...I just posted the swearing thread about him. I don't read all posts started by someone before replying to one. You've met the family, now you understand where the swearing comes from. I guess I am trying to convince myself that the more I ask his not to swear in front of my kids and be a little nicer to his...then maybe he will start doing it. Trying to change someone can be a life-time undertaking & is rarely 100% successful. If you have doubts about his ability to be a good father to your children (you certainly don't seem to like the way he deals with his own) then don't move in together. However, you & your children spend more time at his place than your own, so he can't be that bad and/or you can't be that concerned. Whatever, you really shouldn't be second guessing a decision like this, especially when there's children involved. If you're not entirely comfortable about it my suggestion would be - don't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted December 29, 2005 Share Posted December 29, 2005 Alas, I have to concur with bluechocolate on this one. You have just been privy to a hint of things to come, unfortunately. Now, that doesn't mean that your man can overcome the odious upbringing, but it will be a challenge. Tread carefully. Link to post Share on other sites
Author almostthere Posted December 29, 2005 Author Share Posted December 29, 2005 I dont know why I am asking these questions to anyone. I guess I was looking for someone to say he's normal and I am not. I dont know. I hate to break up. I have been having my kids sleep there 3 nights a week for three weeks. I guess I have been using it as a trial run. See how we all got along. But I am going to take a step back. I am bringing my kids home tonight. First time since Sunday. Maybe we need to work on us more right now then worry about what is to come. I am not ready to move in there yet anyway and I wont until his stepson and brother move out. Thanks for your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 Very interesting - I was going to respond to this post yesterday - and say something very different. At first you made it sound like your issue was with his family and not with anything you've seen from him. Now that you have elaborated, I would say the total opposite. Your first priority is your kids - period full stop! Of course he is on his best behaviour with them right now - but over time I assure you he will start treating them as his own. Generally this is something you want from a prospective mate - but only when you agree with how he treats his own kids. My take on this is that you have seen the future this guy offers your kids, and not liked it - therefore it's time to move on. Your kids have to come before you in this relationship - otherwise you will live to regret it. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
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