open letter to her

[lovingherstill]

Is it possible to love someone too much? Is it possible to love someone so much that you push them away?

I have thought many times throughout this relationship about how it wasn't going to work. Many times about how I didn't want to be married to you. I looked at Apts. on- line. Thought of "the good life" I would have living alone without you.

And now you are gone. And I have feelings that I never expected.

Here we are months later and I am still wanting you back.

You are on my mind all the time. I think about you constantly. I long for you to call me. To reach out in some way. It never comes. I still wait for it though.

I often look at the pictures of you and I on our wedding day. I so bad wish I could go back to those days and change a few things.

I would treat you a lot better. You were beautiful then and still are today.

I really don't know if this relationship ever stood a chance. We had so many outside people who didn't support it. I think sometimes it seems that we were doomed from the start.

I still want to cry almost every day. I still long for your touch or to hear your voice. I still want you to come back home and help me fight for this.

I talk to you on the phone and I almost feel childish. I don't know what to say or how to feel. I don't know how to express myself to you on the phone. I want you to think that I am OK without you. I want you to think that I think that life goes on and I am not hurting inside. The problem is, I am hurting. Hurting bad.

I almost lost you a year ago. It was a very hard time for me. I lost you this time. Even harder.

You seem so guarded, so in control of everything. That upsets me because I would like to think that once in a while you regret your decision to leave. I would like to think you do at least once or twice. But, you never seem to express any care about the marriage. You never seem bothered by the fact that it has ended.

I have thought over and over again about how I would have changed things that night. I only wished I knew then what I know now.

I wish I could just scoop you up and hold you. Show you that everything will be OK and that you and I can be happy together. Somehow show you that its OK to let your guard down with me and that I love you, unconditionally.

I still fight sending you e-mails or calling you everyday. I don't do it because I understand that it will only push you farther away and I want you closer.

Many times I sit and think about the wonderful things you did and I never noticed.

It comes to me in different ways.

I was balancing my checkbook yesterday and I hadn't written down anything in it for about 5 days. Trying to go back and get everything written and straight was a nightmare. All I could think about was how you did it all the time even when I wouldn't give you the receipts. I understand how that made life harder for you.

In fact, I am learning a lot about how I made life harder on you.

Laundry, shopping, checkbook. Man, you did do a lot.

I am going to see someone every week. Haven't missed a session yet. Even take off work for it. I need it, and it helps me deal with me.

I still look for your car to come around the corner. I still look for you parked in parking lots near by.

My favorite nightshirt of yours still hangs on the door in the bathroom. I still see it everyday and think of how good you look in it, how much I miss having you around.

The things I would do now if only you gave this a chance.

I would help with the shopping. I would help with the house. I would help with everything. This separation has really caused me to open my eyes.

I hope we can come back together sometime soon. I hope we can put this back together and be happy. I truly believe we can.

I love you-always have and always will. I'll be waiting for you to come home. And when you decide you want to, I will promise to hold you and never, ever let this go again.

[ashley83]

awww that is so sweet. Why did she leave?

[lovingherstill]

Because I won't listen and make her needs, my needs.

 

Because I didn't put her first in our marriage.

 

Because I didn't trust enough in her to love her like she should be loved.

 

Because I didn't give her what she needed, when she needed it.

 

Because I didn't listen to her when she spoke. Both from the heart and the mind...

 

Because I am foolish, and I let her slip away ......

[Feelforyou]

Man I know what you are talking about. Going through the same thing myself, but time will heal itself brother. I completely changed my life around and it still doesn't matter. However, I no longer hold on to that hope anymore. You gotta keep working on making yourself better and maybe things will change for the better. From the looks of it, it looks like you did some serious thinking and committed yourself to becoming a better person. Keep going to your sessions. They have worked wonders for me in helping me find myself. Also, don't sit around waiting. Get out in the world and try to enjoy life rather than pining away for something that may never materialize. Sounds like you are on a path to a better you. The more you are out there, the more chances that someone she knows may see the new you and they may report back to her. If it was meant to be, then she will come back. If she doesn't come back then it really is her loss and doesn't love you. You want someone to love you in return for your love. I hope things work out for you. Good luck and I hope that she does come back for you. If not, I wish you success in finding that one special person.

 

Peace