Dealing with past faults

[Gebidozo]

About a year ago, I got severely drunk and said some awful things to my then-GF, now-fiancée. I accused her of being too flirty with some guy, which was utter rubbish, a figment of my insecurities and drunk imagination.

Naturally, I apologized profusely, she forgave me, and we reconciled. I never drank even close to that amount again.

A couple of days ago we were talking about a common friend having problems with alcoholism, I recalled that incident from a year ago and made a lengthy apology speech, saying how terribly I behaved, how I won’t ever do this again, and so on.

But my speech just upset her, because it made her recall those awful words I told her. She wasn’t blaming me at all. She was affectionate to me, but clearly sad and distressed. She said, “Sorry, I know I’m being stupid, I love you and I’ve forgiven you long ago, but because you brought it up again I’m just feeling bad, those memories keep gushing back”.

She then went to spend the night at her Mom’s, even though she was supposed to stay the night. She reassured me she had no bad feelings towards me, just needed some space, saying “I’ll see you tomorrow after work, don’t worry, I’ll be fine again”.

I feel like an idiot asking this (because it’s probably too obvious), but was it just a dumb move on my part to bring up that past incident and start apologizing again for something that happened a year ago and that she said repeatedly she has forgiven?

To clarify, I’m wired very differently. In order to fully deal and get closure with disturbing events of the past, I need to repeatedly think about them, analyze them, talk to people about them, get explanations, etc. She, apparently, is just the opposite. She says she needs to deal with stuff on her own, and she doesn’t need to talk about it. She never discusses our issues with her friends or on forums. I do both, she knows that and has no problems with that.

Now, my brain understands that people are very different and that if she says she treats problems with silence and space, I have to respect that. But more often than not, I fall into this trap. I know that talking about past problems helps me. So, following “do to others what you want others to do to you”, I bring up the past with the best intention of making her feel better, forgetting that it will only make her feel worse.

Is there any way I could learn to just shut up? To defeat that first impulse that compels me to discuss stuff she doesn’t want to discuss?

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

do to others what you want others to do to you

'Do to others what you want other to do to you' may have been meant well, but I think it's one of the most self centred bit of relationship advice ever. Why? Because we don't all want the same thing or to be treated the same way.  Better advice is "treat them how they want to be treated"  

If you already knew that she likes to leave the past in the past, then of course it was a dumb move.  It's one thing if you're repeating something which didn't cause her hurt....that's not so bad.  But as your previous actions caused her harm, when you raise it again, you're basically sticking the knife in and twisting all over again in an effort to make yourself feel better.  It's nothing short of selfish

The way to shut up is simple:  You start respecting her needs and learn to self soothe.

Edited April 9 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

51 minutes ago, basil67 said:

'Do to others what you want other to do to you' may have been meant well, but I think it's one of the most self centred bit of relationship advice ever. Why? Because we don't all want the same thing or to be treated the same way.  Better advice is "treat them how they want to be treated"  

If you already knew that she likes to leave the past in the past, then of course it was a dumb move.  It's one thing if you're repeating something which didn't cause her hurt....that's not so bad.  But as your previous actions caused her harm, when you raise it again, you're basically sticking the knife in and twisting all over again in an effort to make yourself feel better.  It's nothing short of selfish

The way to shut up is simple:  You start respecting her needs and learn to self soothe.

I know…. You’re right, of course. It’s just that it’s so hard for me to really understand (not just intellectually, with my brain, but on an instinctive level) that her needs are totally the opposite of mine in that respect.

When I feel bad, I want to be surrounded by people, talk to them, analyze the problem, receive consolation and advice. When she feels bad, she just wants to be left alone. Just the thought of that is so alien to my entire being. The last thing I want when I’m feeling bad is to be abandoned.

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

When I feel bad, I want to be surrounded by people, talk to them, analyze the problem, receive consolation and advice. When she feels bad, she just wants to be left alone. Just the thought of that is so alien to my entire being. The last thing I want when I’m feeling bad is to be abandoned.

This is an excellent description of how you feel.  But kindly, this topic is about meeting HER needs. And the way to get there is to stop comparing her to yourself