Sick of being so PAssive Agressive, I hate myself

[jimmytwo]

I really hate myself sometimes. I'm 29 and I just feel like

a big PU$$Y. I hate feeling afraid and

being a mouse in social situations. I'm a very nice guy, i'm funny, I'm creative,

talented, artistic, caring, loving, sensitive, have a great gal....

i know i'm an okay guy, but i just live with these

fears of just being myself or believing what i believe in

and not caring what anyone else thinks..I feel like i have so many

things i could accomplish, yet, my confidence in myself

plain SUCKS

 

I'm horrible in Confrontations...I never know what to say. I ALWAYS

ignore situations where i have to stand up for myself. I'll be shaking

like a leaf if i have to stand up for myself. I'm also horrible in social

situations, i find myself stuttering, getting nervous and pulling my

clothes, looking around all the time, wondering if i have something

on my face, nervous that i look "un-cool", I don't like sports or

cars or other "dude" kinda things, so i never know how to Hang with

the boys, etc..

 

The way i wish i could be and the way i potentially see myself in

my mind, Is not what comes out in real life.

 

I admire guys like my next door neighbor who doesn;t care that he

has tattoos on his arms, doesn't care that he doesn't go to church,

doesn't care what people think about him, yet, he's the nicest guy,

a great husband and father, works on cars, helps the needy, etc..

 

ME? I'd love to get some tattoos, but i'd feel like people (elders mainly,

mom, dad) would be judging me...I'm afraid to take any risks. I even feel

bad wearing a Dracula shirt around my aunt who's a christian. I feel

bad about disappointing my mom. I feel bad about doing anything

"for Me", and leave my gal home alone some nights.

 

I also hate that i'm so reclusive sometimes, i avoid parties (even though

i'd love to go to them) i hate that i am secretive with letting people know about "me" or talking about my family.

 

What brought this post on? I'm pissed at myself because I was supposed

to ask for vacation time off in Jan, so that me and my girl could

go on a trip, She got her time off, i procrastinated because i was

afraid to ask the boss, since he can be so intimidating and make

you feel guilty for asking for time off, anyway, i finally asked today

and he said NO, he's going to be gone that week. Now if i had

asked earlier, i probably could have had it. But i didn't. Now i have

to go home and tell my girl we have to go the week after..All because

i was afraid to deal with asking and feeling guilty for asking...

 

Why am i like this? I don't want to be. Why the hell am i so afraid

of Disappointing anyone? I'm so afraid of feeling guilty for doing

anything wrong...I just want to be free to be myself and not give

a f*ck about what anyone else thinks...

 

Do i need to see a doc? Do i need meds? Ugh

[Walk]

Just wanted to say, I know how you feel.

 

How old are you by the way? I felt the same way you do when I was in my early and mid twenties. For me it got less the older I got. I gained some confidence in myself. And after a lot of hard knocks in not being able to please everyone and never getting anything for me, it shook my outlook in life. After a while you just kind of snap, and start taking. It's kind of liberating, but at the same time, pretty destructive.

 

My suggesion.. work small, and build up. Take stands on the little things, the important little things. Not just anything. A night to yourself. A day off. A party where you act as un-cool as you possible can. After a while you learn these things won't kill you. Take it a little at a time, small steps.

[whichwayisup]

Walk has some excellent advice for you.

 

I am not sure if you need meds, but I do think that therapy could really help you Jimmy. You are a kind person with a good heart, and you have so much to offer but you're so caught up in worrying about things that you can't control. I understand that side of it because I suffer from an anxiety disorder and afew years ago EVERYTHING freaked me out. I worried about what people might think/say, I worried about letting people down, saying NO to people because I thought they would not like me if I didn't do a favour or help out etc. I got so caught up in that it ruined me bit by bit. With the help of my therapist I am so much better now. The therapy I do is called cognitive behaviour therapy. Might be something you'd be interested in looking into. Do a google search on CBT, talk to your DR about it as well.

 

Posting here was the first step, I'm sure that wasn't easy to do. The next step is talking to your girlfriend and family if you can. And ofcourse your doctor.

[malachai]

just to let you know, you aren't the only one who feels this. i'm 28, and everything you wrote fits me as well. only around my immediate family (mother, father, brother) do i not fear confrontation.

 

i'd love to offer advice, but i'm still trying to follow the advice given to me (through books, shrinks, etc.). I know that i can't please everyone, but applying that theory to my life is a different story. there is an enormous difference knowing something and putting it into practice. that is the step i can't seem to make.

 

i have a job that requires confrontation, and only when i'm faced with situations that might affect my employment can i step into a realm of confrontation. and usually it is half-assed, and my side of the interaction is filled with disclaimers, apologies and gloss-overs.

 

i like with the advice given already: start out small. but it doesn't have to be importatnt, you can deal with unimportant issues as well. don't take too many things on at once. pick one small event that is in the future and practice and practice on how you can approach that situation.

 

i'm curious as to how your gf feels about the situation. if you have support from her, she might be able to be a great help for you.

[johan]

I know those feelings. All of them. I emerged from them by trying to be more objective about myself. I've posted this about a hundred times already. The seed of the solution for me was to literally imagine meeting myself. It's not enough to just say things like

I'm a very nice guy, i'm funny, I'm creative,

talented, artistic, caring, loving, sensitive, have a great gal....

i know i'm an okay guy

if you don't believe them in your heart. The only way to become more accepting is to become more objective about yourself. One way to do that is to decide whether you'd actually be friends with someone exactly like you. You definitely would. You'd love to hang out with yourself probably. And you'd probably be really forgiving of the other you for all the stuff you can't allow now.

 

People tend to be WAY more forgiving of others than they are of themselves. It should be equal. I mean, look around you. There are people doing stupid stuff all the time. They still have family and friends and they are forgiven for all of it. Why would it be any different for you if you opened up? It wouldn't be. Except that you would be less prone to making an ass of yourself than the average person.

 

I think this is all similar to cognitive therapy.

 

You've trained yourself to intercept yourself and limit yourself so that you don't screw up in the eyes of others. That just makes you your worst critic.

 

Another part of it is to evaluate your judgment. Are you REALLY mistake prone? Probably not. You're perfectly able to evaluate good from bad. If you opened up a little, that judgment will still be there. And that's what your neighbor has going for him. It's not that he doesn't care what people think. It's just that he knows right from wrong and judges for himself. And people accept that.

 

I really understand where you're coming from. Hope some of this helps.

[newbby]

You've trained yourself to intercept yourself and limit yourself so that you don't screw up in the eyes of others. That just makes you your worst critic.

excellent. it boils down to allowing yourself to make mistakes.

Another part of it is to evaluate your judgment. Are you REALLY mistake prone? Probably not. You're perfectly able to evaluate good from bad. If you opened up a little, that judgment will still be there. And that's what your neighbor has going for him. It's not that he doesn't care what people think. It's just that he knows right from wrong and judges for himself. And people accept that.

 

I really understand where you're coming from. Hope some of this helps.

i think the difference is, that your neighbour doesnt beat himself up for getting it wrong, or maybe he did at one time but has got past that. every body gets things wrong, from time to time. the trouble is, and i know this first hand. when you are listening to other people all of the time, you are really missing out on some excellent guidance from yourself. i used to be so afraid of getting things wrong that i would listen to everyone else but me. it always turned out that they were wrong, or they had their own agenda and didnt have my interests at heart. it is like as wwiu said, an anxiety disorder. i also suffered from ocds at times in my life, i dont know if you have this problem too. its a kind of perfectionism.

the good news is, that you can get over it. you really can. dont limit yourself, try it. dont be afraid to make mistakes. you will probably find you are more likely to make mistakes if you are NOT relying on yourself.

[Walk]

i used to be so afraid of getting things wrong that i would listen to everyone else but me. it always turned out that they were wrong, or they had their own agenda and didnt have my interests at heart.

 

Me too!

 

That Cognitive behavior stuff does work. I'm not terrible great at sticking to it, but when I start to get down on myself for screwing up, or thinking I did something wrong, I recite my good things, and try to get my mind off of obsessing about the bad. I'll drive myself into depression obsessing over what a loser I am sometimes. I have to forgive myself (I'm harsh), and remind myself a million times that I am a great person, that I know I'm smart, couragous, funny, etc... Part of what helped was putting myself in situations where I was couragous, even if I didn't "win", but something to draw strength off of.

 

For example. I went to my boss finally, after 2 years, and demanded a raise. I spent a lot of time working up a list of why I deserved it. Wrote it all down and put it in bullet format. Set up a time to talk with him, and demanded a raise.

 

I didn't get one, but he actually did try to get me a raise. He did take me seriously, and backed me up on my request. And I look back now and wonder why it took me so long to ask for a raise. It didn't take that much back bone really. And it proved to me that I can be who I want to be if I just believe in myself.

 

So moral of my story... Use the situations to bolster you confidence. Don't think of them as failures, lifes about learning, and about making mistakes. The only way you fail is if you stop trying.

 

Remind yourself that you are a great person instead of focusing on the negatives. And Johan had great points about forgiving yourself.

[whichwayisup]

Jimmy, you've been given some awesome advice by many! I really hope to take to heart what we've said and try your best to better yourself. Not for anybody else, for YOU.

 

It is alot of hard work but the payout at the end is HUGE! Keep posting and ask anything you need to ask. There is no such thing as a stupid or embarressing question when it comes to this stuff. You're not alone in this!

Hang in there!

[scobro]

hey bro at least you got a girl so really how bad can you be if you have steady female companionship?,thats more than I got.Self help books might be a good place to start.

[jimmytwo]

.

Unless you've suffered with this, it's hard for

people to understand what it's like to deal with it

on a day to day basis....it's hard, it's really hard...it's not

like we don't try and overcome it, it's just a huge battle.

 

i live with it as a secret and i think that's the worst part...No

one knows i'm like this. All my friends, family, co-workers, just think

i'm a nice quiet guy who works hard and is maybe, a little shy.

 

I've never told my girl that i suffer from these pseudo anxiety

attacks..she knows i'm a little quirky and silly, but she doesn't

know that i battle with myself constantly.

 

Don't get me wrong, i can function like a normal human being, i can

say hello to a stranger, help someone i don't know, acknowledge

that "yes", you did cut in front of me and i was here first...etc etc..

 

But it's just confrontations and taking risks and things like that, that

i'm just not good with. i'm constantly worrying about things that i cannot

change but then, i can't just accept the things i cannot change, i

beat myself up inside about the fact that i can't change them..

it's really pathetic. I mean believe me, i see myself and i think,

"come on, be a man, snap out of it".

 

Anyway, over the weekend i meditated a bit, tried it out, and i thought

a lot about the things i'd like to change, i made mental and well as

written notes. I just keep telling myself over and over, "I'm not afraid,

nothing can hurt me, I can overcome the fear and be set free".

I'm hoping it works...the whole "vacation, Boss, being intimidated to talk

to him" thing, was the last straw for me...I'm sick of living like this...I

can't live this way...I see how i was follish and I want to change...

I know I can do it...I'm going to be strong...I don't want to be a coward

ever again.

[Mayberryfan]

Maybe you should give yourself a break. You may have some chemical problem and be depressed or suffer from anxiety attacks that could benefit from therapy and/or medication. Also, instead of doing something that isn't going to change your life in a significant way like getting a tattoo, why not find a way to help others? I began giving blood about a year ago as part of my recovery from being molested as a child. I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to do something to save someones life! It has really improved my self-image! There are so many opportunities to volunteer, donate blood, etc. Find what's right for you and see what you can accomplish.

Good Luck!

[SuperMonk]

Step 1. Stop listening to Emo/Punk/Linkin Park teenage angst music.

Step 2. Exercise

Step 3. Get serious with education, move up in careers.

Step 4. Whatever

Step 5. Conclusion

[whichwayisup]

Anyway, over the weekend i meditated a bit, tried it out, and i thought

a lot about the things i'd like to change, i made mental and well as

written notes. I just keep telling myself over and over, "I'm not afraid,

nothing can hurt me, I can overcome the fear and be set free".

I'm hoping it works...the whole "vacation, Boss, being intimidated to talk

to him" thing, was the last straw for me...I'm sick of living like this...I

can't live this way...I see how i was follish and I want to change...

I know I can do it...I'm going to be strong...I don't want to be a coward

ever again.

 

You've taken a huge giant step! And a good one I'll add! I'm happy to hear that.

 

Meditation is so good for you and all that positive thinking. The mind is a powerful thing and can really mess us up at times. I do understand the anxiety part, the fears etc, that you've felt and are feeling. You aren't foolish at all, you're not a coward either. You are a strong person who just has some things he needs to sort out.

 

Have you considered therapy? The CBT? I really believe it can help you.