What does he want?

[HeartNPA]

MM dumped me a while back and I came to this forum for help digesting & learning and to try to feel less alone.  

We’ve not spoken since then, although he’s tried.   But most recently, I found a message that he’d sent (blocked, but was sent to my spam) where he shared that his wife is pregnant now - due in the late summer- and they’re both very excited for the future.    In it, he apologizes and asks if I hate him and why I’m not responding. 
 

I can’t understand why he shared this.  Why he’s still reaching out and why he cares how I feel.  He made a (what I now know was always the obvious) choice.  He left me to pick up the pieces of myself completely alone.   And now he’s getting what he wanted from her that sent their marriage into their spiral in the first place, according to what he told me. Like he’s won the literal lottery.  

I’m not going to reply, obviously, but like what does he want from me? 

[basil67]

It's actually easy to figure out his motives if you stop thinking of him as a regular person and recognise him as being intrinsically selfish

He's telling you about the baby because he's super excited about becoming a family with his wife.  He's asking you why you're not responding because for some bizarre reason, he thinks he can maintain some kind of friendship with you....or even put you on hold for future adventures.

Carry on with with no contact.  You're doing well

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

bviously, but like what does he want from me? 

Sex.  His wife is heavily pregnant and probably doesn't feel like sex, so he's thinking he knows where he can get it easily.  From you.  Is this their first child?  Why  isn't he blocked if you wanted to get over him?

Edited April 9, 2024 by stillafool

[basil67]

Just now, stillafool said:

Sex.  His wife is heavily pregnant and probably doesn't feel like sex, so he's thinking he knows where he can get it easily.  From you.  Is this their first child?  Why  isn't he blocked if you wanted to get over him?

Ah yes, it could also be this

[stillafool]

12 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

Why he’s still reaching out and why he cares how I feel.

He doesn't.  If he cared how you felt he never would have dumped you and went back with his wife.  He still doesn't care enough about you to not hurt your feelings by telling you how happy he and his wife are to be expecting a child.  He would leave you alone to heal and find someone for yourself.  He wants to use you - again.

Edited April 9, 2024 by stillafool

[HeartNPA]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Sex.  His wife is heavily pregnant and probably doesn't feel like sex, so he's thinking he knows where he can get it easily. 

 Why didn’t I think of that.   I feel stupid.   Maybe he is just shooting his shot. 
 

Sex was really never a focal point for us, TBH, even when we were connected.  But really good insight.  

 

Oh, he’s blocked everywhere.  Rest assured of that.  But on this email it puts all blocked messages to spam, and I  was looking for something else when I found it. 

[HeartNPA]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

he thinks he can maintain some kind of friendship with you

I guess subconsciously I was kind of hoping that some of the feelings were real and this was confirmation.   But like we’ve been no contact for a long time now.  So like delusional, really. 
 

I am not going to reply.  I’m certain of that.  Just want to understand. 

[HeartNPA]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He wants to use you - again.

I hear this.  I just can’t figure for what anymore.   If he’s excited and happy, then like exactly what you said - he should enjoy that and let me be. 

[HeartNPA]

17 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Is this their first child?

No, this will be their 3rd.  But first in a long while.  

Edited April 9, 2024 by HeartNPA

[basil67]

31 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

I hear this.  I just can’t figure for what anymore.   If he’s excited and happy, then like exactly what you said - he should enjoy that and let me be. 

There is no "should" when it comes to people's actions.  They do whatever they do for their own reasons - and all we can do is what's right for ourselves.

[HeartNPA]

42 minutes ago, basil67 said:

There is no "should" when it comes to people's actions.  They do whatever they do for their own reasons - and all we can do is what's right for ourselves.

Thank you for your help.   It just hurts.   A whole lot.   
 

Feels like he’s moving forward and happy and I’m still trying to make peace with myself and what I’ve done and how to share this embarrassing and shameful thing with the people I’m meeting.  
 

I guess it just feels kind of mean to continue to try to make contact. 

[basil67]

11 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

Thank you for your help.   It just hurts.   A whole lot.   
 

Feels like he’s moving forward and happy and I’m still trying to make peace with myself and what I’ve done and how to share this embarrassing and shameful thing with the people I’m meeting.  
 

I guess it just feels kind of mean to continue to try to make contact. 

Yes, I know it hurts 🤗   You don't have to tell anyone about this if you don't want to.  If you want to talk it over with someone and get it off your chest, what about talking with the anonymous strangers here at LS? 

I would say that him want staying in contact is thoughtless and selfish.  But aren't they the very traits which describe someone who's cheating on their spouse? 

[HeartNPA]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You don't have to tell anyone about this if you don't want to.  If you want to talk it over with someone and get it off your chest, what about talking with the anonymous strangers here at LS? 

Thank you, again.  I think that’s why I’m here.  But I do feel like the few people I’ve met/dated ask if I’ve ever been involved in this type of relationship.  And I want to be honest.  It’s just such an embarrassment. 
 

And I really thought/still think I was in love.  That he was so special.   It’s so stupid and foolish and embarrassing and like I didn’t need the confirmation that he is happy in spite of how he treated me. 

Edited April 9, 2024 by HeartNPA

[Gebidozo]

He did something bad, but wasn’t punished for that. His wife is pregnant and he’s feeling good. But deep down, his guilt is eating at him. He knows he’s hurt you, and that nagging realization prevents him from being truly happy. He needs closure. So he deals with it in his usual selfish, totally uncaring way. He wants a quick absolution of his sins from you.

The worst thing you could do now is cling to a hope that he cares. He doesn’t. He isn’t reaching out for you. He’s doing it to make himself feel better. 

[HeartNPA]

8 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

The worst thing you could do now is cling to a hope that he cares.

Thank you for your reply.  It’s helpful context.  And I think you’re likely right. 💔 Except, why does he want to know if I hate him?   Why care about that? 
 

I sound so desperate.   And again, I’m not going to reply.  But like I just am so confused.  Just the fact that he isn’t giving up feels like idk something?   Ughhhh

[HeartNPA]

I was fine, but now I’m right back in it. 

[Gebidozo]

44 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

Thank you for your reply.  It’s helpful context.  And I think you’re likely right. 💔 Except, why does he want to know if I hate him?   Why care about that? 
 

I sound so desperate.   And again, I’m not going to reply.  But like I just am so confused.  Just the fact that he isn’t giving up feels like idk something?   Ughhhh

He’s given up already. It’s just that he knows he’s hurt you. He knows he did wrong. He feels guilty. And he wants a quick medicine against the guilt. If you told him you don’t hate him, he’d think “Gee, then I wasn’t such a jerk to her after all, I’m a decent enough guy, now I can go back to my cool life and be happy”. 

[HeartNPA]

13 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

He’s given up already. It’s just that he knows he’s hurt you. He knows he did wrong. He feels guilty. And he wants a quick medicine against the guilt. If you told him you don’t hate him, he’d think “Gee, then I wasn’t such a jerk to her after all, I’m a decent enough guy, now I can go back to my cool life and be happy”. 

Fair.  And very logical.  Thank you again.   I wish it wasn’t this easy to feel like I’ve lost and sucked right back in. 
 

I guess I can hold on no contact and at least he has to face it alone, like I did

Edited April 10, 2024 by HeartNPA

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, HeartNPA said:

Sex was really never a focal point for us, TBH, even when we were connected.

To be fair, married men also reconnect with their affair partners for reasons other than sex. It may just be that she is preoccupied and not attending to his needs in the way he would like - and he is in need of someone to listen and offer a little extra attention and support. Some women have shared that their affair partners will even complain about their wife for all the reasons stated above - she is preoccupied, tired, moody, or attending to the newborn… Whatever the reason, you can rest assured that his attempt to reach out has more to do with him than it does you… If he truly cared about you, he wouldn’t break the no contact that you’ve worked so hard to establish, for all intent and purpose pulling you back into the affair space after you’ve worked so hard to move on and put it behind you. 

Edited April 10, 2024 by BaileyB

[basil67]

2 hours ago, HeartNPA said:

Thank you, again.  I think that’s why I’m here.  But I do feel like the few people I’ve met/dated ask if I’ve ever been involved in this type of relationship.  And I want to be honest.  It’s just such an embarrassment. 

If someone has simply met you, it's a completely inappropriate question to ask.  A perfect response would be "I beg your pardon 😶" 

As for dating, the wonderful thing about moving to a new relationship is that you get the chance to learn from your mistakes and reinvent yourself.  If the new you would never get involved in this kind of thing, just lie. 

You do not have to wear a scarlet letter around for the rest of your life.  Learn to leave it in the past and never speak of it again

[BaileyB]

51 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

I was fine, but now I’m right back in it. 

Exactly. 

This is why no contact means exactly that - no contact. It doesn’t take much for him to get back into your head… he knows it. He’s testing you. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, HeartNPA said:

But I do feel like the few people I’ve met/dated ask if I’ve ever been involved in this type of relationship.  And I want to be honest.  It’s just such an embarrassment.

I agree with basil, if this is someone you have just met this is a very inappropriate question to ask.

You can also be honest without sharing very last detail. I would likely respond - “In my previous relationships, I’ve made some poor choices as it relates to relationship partners but I have learned from every single experience. I am here now because I am interested in you and I will be a loyal, faithful, and committed partner to you - and I expect the same in return.”

Edited April 10, 2024 by BaileyB

[HeartNPA]

18 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It doesn’t take much for him to get back into your head… he knows it. He’s testing you. 

Fair, and helpful.  Thank you.   I deleted my spam before I could see if there were other messages as well.  But now I find myself obsessively checking there.  And tempted to unblock “just to see” what he’ll say.  
 

I truly hate this so much.  

[HeartNPA]

24 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If he truly cared about you, he wouldn’t break the no contact that you’ve worked so hard to establish, for all intent and purpose pulling you back into the affair space after you’ve worked so hard to move on and put it behind you

Thank you!  This is powerful.  And you’re right.  He had to know how hard all of this was on me  knowing how isolated I’d become on his behalf.   Someone whose done that and cares and feels remorse probably wouldn’t risk sending someone they loved back to that place for any reason. 

[HeartNPA]

25 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Learn to leave it in the past and never speak of it again

Thank you for being so helpful!  But can you truly have a relationship in this day and age without discussing your most recent breakup? 
 

And a long term one without talking through your history? 

Edited April 10, 2024 by HeartNPA