Struggling to keep no contact

[Taiga]

Apologies, this is going to be quite long and complicated. I met my first boyfriend when I was 16 and he was 17. We were in a relationship from September 2022-January 2024, and we're both turning 19 this year. He was so genuine and sweet and treated me so unbelievably well. I dropped out of sixth form due to mental health struggles and during this time while he was in sixth form, I was at home. He would come over every single day he had the chance to. He'd come on Tuesday evenings after school and leave Wednesday evenings, and then also came on Friday evenings and left on Sunday evenings. When he finished his a levels, he basically moved in with me from June-November. During this time, we were so close, but he started to change. I splashed out £700 on him to help him buy his first car, and my family even took him on holiday with us (all expenses paid by my dad), and after this point he kind of stopped trying. He didn't help out with any of the housework or cooking. We didn't go out on dates anymore, unless i basically forced him out the house and paid for most of the date. We were living like an old, miserable, married couple. I expressed myself to him multiple times, asked him to put a little more effort in, and he agreed to help out more and take me on more dates. In November 2023, he moved back to his own home because he had recently started a job as a detention custody officer at an airport near his home. He was having problems with his car and couldn't drive an hour every day to get there, so he said for the time being, he will live there and save up for a newer and better car, with the intention of coming back to stay with me. I have BPD and struggle with abandonment issues, so after living with him for such a long time I started to feel really depressed and i was really struggling with being alone.

He started going out with his friends more, staying at his friends uni accommodation, and started to take sometimes hours to reply to my texts. I was checking instagram, which I usually did when I missed him, because he had a highlight on there dedicated to me, and I noticed the story was gone and then I went to check his location because he hadn't replied for a while and he had it turned off. I went through his followers and noticed a bunch of girls on there and eventually asked him to remove them because I was feeling insecure and asked him why he removed the highlight. His excuse for removing the highlight was that he saw a tiktok about evil eye and didn't want anyone to "curse" our relationship. Bearing in mind he claims he is Catholic, to which I said, as a Catholic, we don't believe in such things as evil eye. He completely ignored the fact I mentioned the girls he was following. I'm not the type to say he can't follow any girls other than me, but a couple months prior, he had asked me to unfollow all the guys I had on instagram and I agreed and told him, "well then you should do the same," and I just assumed he would have done it too. We kept arguing about it for the upcoming weeks and his excuse for not unfollowing them was the fact that his friends are friends with these girls, and event hough he hadn't spoken to them in years, it would be awkward if they messaged his friends to ask why he had unfollowed them. He eventually unfollowed them but I started to grow insecure because he had called me crazy so many times by this point, when all I wanted from him was some reassurance that he hasn't abandoned me and that we're still strong. It seemed like every conversation we had was an argument, and he had only come down to see me once from November-December. 

We had plans for new years eve, to go see a firework show together. We had these plans for months. He had a whole two weeks off from work over this period and only came to see me On Christmas day for one night, and told me he just needed to help his dad with some stuff and he'll be back soon. A week prior to NYE he tells me that he can no longer come over and he feels like because he spent new years with me last year, his family wants to spend it with him this year. Of course I'm upset because we had these plans for so long and I was excited, but I suggest I come over to his for the evening so he can spend it with both me and his family. He says I can, but he's going off with his cousin and step brother afterwards to spend some time with them and I would just be alone so there's no point. I was so upset that he couldn't even compromise with me, I asked him for some space on new years. He gives me some space and messaged me "happy new year" at midnight, and I see that he's in central London. He didn't tell me he's going out, so I asked him what he's doing there. He's completely drunk at this point and tells me that he's with his step brother and dad. I message his dad happy new year and tell him I hope he's having a good time in London, to which he replies and tells me he's not in London, and in fact at home with his girlfriend. 

We continue to argue over text for the next two weeks, and I'm practically begging him to come over so we can talk things out, because I'm tired of arguing and this has such a simple solution, but every time it came close to the weekend when he was off work, he'd say that he can't be asked to argue with me and doesn't want to see me. Every time I tried to express my feelings he'd just say "i cba for this," or "i don't have time for this," or "i'm too tired for this." He called me crazy for calling him multiple times after he ignored me and completely turned off his location. By this point, I'm completely paranoid and constantly checking all his social medias, I found his ex on tiktok while stalking one of his followers out of boredom. He never told me anything about his ex, even after over a year of dating, only her name, after I begged him to. He always said he didn't remember when I asked anything else. I told him I found her and his response was just "hahaha, yeah that's her". A few days later, on January 14th, he broke up with me over text. I begged him not to leave me, if he wanted to break up, at least come and do it to my face. He blocked me on instagram and tiktok, but kept me on snapchat and iMessages. I said I'll give him some space, but we can work this out, and he somewhat agreed. Something felt off though, and I messaged his ex on tiktok and asked if she had heard from him. We have a conversation and she tells me he's been flirting with her and bragging to her about how older women at work were flirting with him. She sends me screenshots of their conversation and what I see shocks me. He was talking to her from 31st December-4th January from what she sent me. He said he went out clubbing on NYE and kissed another girl there. He was quite obviously flirting and even sent her a picture of a vibrator that they used when they were together with the caption "remember your little friend". 

I messaged him about this and he said it was a joke between him and his friends, she messaged him while they were together and they thought it would be funny to mess around with her. I knew from the way he spoke to her that it was somewhat a joke, but I didn't understand why he kept messaging her days after he was no longer with his friends. He told me that since the truth is out, he didn't want to keep it a secret anymore and told me that his ex had sent him a letter a few weeks before his 18th birthday in June 2023, saying that she still loves him and wants him to break up with me and try again with her. I told him I forgive him, although I was so unbelievably heartbroken to the point I had lost 15kg in the space of two to three weeks, I couldn't imagine life without him. I started to get really dark suicidal thoughts and basically rotted in bed for two weeks after the break up. I started to plan my death. I stalked everything, including his spotify. I had made the account for him and was paying for it for a year, I found he had made playlists with two different girls. 

January 31st, he came over to collect all the stuff he had left at mine. He came in, it was so awkward, got his stuff and asked me if I wanted a hug, I did, but I said no, and he left. Later I got a message from him saying that he misses me and basically insinuated he wanted to try again. I was so relieved, I thought he actually realised it was a mistake and wanted me back. He started to come over whenever he had a day off work. About midway through February, I tell him we need to talk. I told him how I was still feeling uneasy about it all, and mentioned the spotify thing. He told me he was just bored and sent links to a bunch of random people in his contacts to make a playlist. I cried to him and told him that if he hurts me again, I wouldn't be able to handle it, and he held my hand and promised me that he wouldn't. He kept me blocked on tiktok and instagram this entire time. I stalked his reposts on tiktok on a secret account and found that he reposted videos of girls basically showing off their bodies and we argued about it, he said it was a mistake and he didn't even realise he had reposted them. He started to grow distant and no longer had the time to see me because he had to go gym with his friend every day at the same time. I basically found out he was talking to girls on instagram by stalking yet again. I messaged a few and only one replied, she told me they had been talking for about 5 days and she met him on hinge.

I confronted him about this and he wasn't even apologetic. He turned so cold and horrible to me, said it was my fault that I went digging and I was never meant to find out. We were talking about our future together and our future kids literally just a few days before this. I completely lost it at this point, I sent him a paragraph and his reply was "i ain't reading allat". I was so distraught and told him I've genuinely lost my will to live, I warned him that if he hurt me again, I wouldn't make it through that kind of pain again, I told him I hope it was worth the ego boost to kill the one person who has been there for you from the beginning. He begged me not to do it and said he would do anything to keep me alive, but i told him it was too late. I went through with the plans and took the pills. I ended up almost dying and spending a few days in the hospital. Clearly it didn't work, but I really wished it had. I was tired of being constantly hurt by people I hold dearest to me. While I was in the hospital, he messaged me that he's sorry and he stopped talking to girls. He told me that he didn't want to say anything, but he had been taking ashwagandha for a few months straight and he started to feel like he wanted to hurt women emotionally and didn't want to hurt me, so went on hinge to find some girls he could hurt. We made a deal that for the next six weeks, I would try therapy again and start taking antidepressants again, and he would stop taking ashwagandha. He asked me to update him daily and I did. I continued to talk to that girl, and she told me while I was unconscious in the hospital, she received a message from him saying I'm crazy and suicidal and he wants to try again with her. I felt so betrayed, I didn't do it to try and keep him, I did it because I was tired of constantly feeling like crap, and he decided to air out my business to a girl he had only known for 5 days.

I asked him to just stop, and to remove me on snapchat, and after a while of back and forth, he agreed and said "I'll do it just for you". We stopped talking for a few days and I wrote him a letter, it had some nice stuff in it, but also so many questions and anger in it. I told him that despite the pain I was in because of him, I still care about him and he could always message me in case he needed anything. I sent the letter and a few days later he messaged me on whatsapp to tell me he misses me and thinks about me every single day, that he wanted to message me but wasn't sure if he should, and he only did because in the letter I had said that he could. I know I should've just left it, but I told him that I miss him too, and we kind of talked a little every day. Not as much as we used to, and his replies were sometimes really really bad. I knew he was still talking to girls, I knew he hadn't changed, but I missed him so badly and couldn't believe what an awful person he had turned into. I asked him to block my number, but he said that he wants to message me when he misses me. I said that we can message each other that we miss each other as much as we want to, but it won't change anything. He said that maybe it will. The messages went back and forth for a while, he basically said that I'm the perfect girl to have a future with, but he needs to get things sorted on his side, he needs to figure out how to get rich and he needs to grind, and that he doesn't have any time to give me, he doesn't have time for a relationship. Eventually I got him to block me, because I know I have no self control when it comes to him and I can't handle waiting around for him to sort things out and change. I don't believe a single word that comes out his mouth anymore. I know that it was stupid of me to take him back after he cheated the first time, but I'm so attached to him and I genuinely do love him so much.

We've been completely no contact since 29th March, but I'm struggling so much. I miss the guy I thought I was going to grow old with, and I miss my best friend. I only have my parents around me right now, I've lost contact with my friends and I'm feeling so lonely. I keep looking at his socials knowing what I find will hurt me, and it does, but I can't stop. I don't know how to stop. I know reaching out to him will do me no good and it won't change anything now or in the future. I feel like I don't really understand what's happened because his words and his actions have been polar opposites for the past few months. It feels like I'm trying to force shut a chapter in my life when I feel like it isn't over. How can someone switch up from such a caring and loving person who only had eyes for me for over a year to someone that cheats and lies with absolutely no remorse? How do I regain confidence and move on? Why does it seem like I'm the one who didn't do anything wrong and yet I'm the only one in pain right now? Was he always this kind of person and just hid it really well, or did something happen to influence his decisions and make him this way? I have so many unanswered questions that I know will never be answered by him, but I just can't understand how anyone could do something like that to someone they love, so did he even really love me at all? 

So I guess what I'm asking is what do I do now, all my dreams and plans for the future have been ripped away from me and I don't know whether I should have hope that he wasn't lying and he's just going through a hard time right now, and to wait for him to be ready. Or should I try and move on and forget him? I don't know how to forget him since every single place in my area, including my own home reminds me of him and some kind of memory we had there together. He's on my mind 24/7, and I hope I'm on his too, but it doesn't really seem like I am. I genuinely don't know what to do with myself when the thought of him consumes me from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. He was my world for such a long time and I'm still head over heels in love with him even though I know he doesn't deserve my love. My entire family loved him and treated him as though he was already part of the family. I always had issues with properly communicating my feelings, but I was trying my best and I thought I treated him really well but I can't help but feel like I could've done more to make sure he was happy and to make myself prettier to him. I know I'm not ugly, at least when I try not to be, I've been told I have a unique look that catches the eye, but I don't look anything like any of the instagram model looking girls he was interacting with and I feel so s*** about myself after this whole situation. No matter how many compliments I get from guys, nothing means anything to me unless it's coming from my ex's mouth. Will it ever stop feeling like that?

Again, I'm so sorry this was so long, and if you made it this far, I would really appreciate some advice, no matter how straightforward it may be.

[d0nnivain]

 I didn't read the details because they aren't that important to your Q.  You keep NC by blocking him on ALL platforms.  You delete him out of your phone.  You deny yourself access because you don't have enough self control not to look.  

You lean on your friends & family for support.  Break ups are tough.  Don't go it alone.  Repair any friendships you let slide when you were focused on him.    Take it one day at a time.  You will love again.  Your future is ahead of you.  He's your past.  In time you will be OK.  Keep busy.  That will help distract you.  

[stillafool]

Sorry your ex hurt and lied to you.  He's a 19 year old boy in college.  He's going to want to experience dating more than one person at his age.  All the spying, keeping track of him, threatening suicide and arguing became too much for him to deal with at this stage and age in his life.  He didn't sound that great of a boyfriend.  He was lying and cheating on you.  You were right to tell him to block you.  Now block him too.  You need to get into therapy to help you get over him and address your BPD.  Are you on meds for it?  Do you also attend college?  What are your parents thoughts on the break up? Never give up your friends to be with a guy because now is when you need them so reach out to them and reconnect.

[Taiga]

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

Sorry your ex hurt and lied to you.  He's a 19 year old boy in college.  He's going to want to experience dating more than one person at his age.  All the spying, keeping track of him, threatening suicide and arguing became too much for him to deal with at this stage and age in his life.  He didn't sound that great of a boyfriend.  He was lying and cheating on you.  You were right to tell him to block you.  Now block him too.  You need to get into therapy to help you get over him and address your BPD.  Are you on meds for it?  Do you also attend college?  What are your parents thoughts on the break up? Never give up your friends to be with a guy because now is when you need them so reach out to them and reconnect.

I am in therapy currently for my BPD and have been for the past 3 months, but I’d like to add that I never started any arguments or threatened suicide to him directly. I tried to express my loneliness to him and he just got defensive about it and said I’m accusing him of stuff that I never did. And I’ve been struggling with mental health for a few years now, but I would never threaten someone with suicide, I was just in a lot of pain and it was more of a cry for help because I didn’t really have anyone other than him. I never spied on him until his behaviour started becoming fishy and he took a step back from me. I would have left it all alone a long time ago if he didn’t keep saying such confusing things. He basically asked me to wait for him till he’s ready to be in a relationship. I will block him as of today and just leave it though, I do realise we’re both young and he probably just wants the chance to sleep around with whoever he wants. Thank you for the reply

[Taiga]

15 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

 I didn't read the details because they aren't that important to your Q.  You keep NC by blocking him on ALL platforms.  You delete him out of your phone.  You deny yourself access because you don't have enough self control not to look.  

You lean on your friends & family for support.  Break ups are tough.  Don't go it alone.  Repair any friendships you let slide when you were focused on him.    Take it one day at a time.  You will love again.  Your future is ahead of you.  He's your past.  In time you will be OK.  Keep busy.  That will help distract you.  

That's understandable, I got a bit carried away with the story. Does the constant urge to have a look at his social media go away after a while? Do people that cheat ever regret what they've done? It seems like he was enjoying himself after we broke up and I can't help but feel upset about the fact that I'm struggling so much and he isn't. Other than that, I'm doing my best to keep busy and have taken the advice and reconnected with some friends. Thank you for the reply  

[glows]

You have to learn to be in control of your own actions and emotions. It’s not on him to block you because you can’t do it. You’re depending on this person to do things for you. I think he snapped and just realized one day he doesn’t have to keep taking care of you. His friends and family might have been worried about him. Did he have any friends when he was in a relationship with you? Or a social life or hobbies? I’m sorry you’re going through all this pain. 

Just tell yourself you’re not going to look at his social media and take a break. Get back to your own hobbies and start discovering yourself. You met him when young and just a teenager. It’s time to discover your identity as an adult and grow up and I don’t mean that in a negative way but in a way where you start to realize what matters to you. If being in a relationship and having a family is important to you don’t do it with a cheater or a liar. Find a man who treats you well and pursue your dreams of being a wife/ mother or whatever your heart desires. Right now you’re hurt and fixated on the past. Stop focusing on the past and ask yourself what you want moving forward and figure out how to get there.

[Taiga]

2 hours ago, glows said:

You have to learn to be in control of your own actions and emotions. It’s not on him to block you because you can’t do it. You’re depending on this person to do things for you. I think he snapped and just realized one day he doesn’t have to keep taking care of you. His friends and family might have been worried about him. Did he have any friends when he was in a relationship with you? Or a social life or hobbies? I’m sorry you’re going through all this pain. 

Just tell yourself you’re not going to look at his social media and take a break. Get back to your own hobbies and start discovering yourself. You met him when young and just a teenager. It’s time to discover your identity as an adult and grow up and I don’t mean that in a negative way but in a way where you start to realize what matters to you. If being in a relationship and having a family is important to you don’t do it with a cheater or a liar. Find a man who treats you well and pursue your dreams of being a wife/ mother or whatever your heart desires. Right now you’re hurt and fixated on the past. Stop focusing on the past and ask yourself what you want moving forward and figure out how to get there.

I asked him to block me so that we could both have each other blocked and neither one of us could reach out. He asked me to wait for him to be ready to be in a relationship, so I told him that's never going to happen again. Looking back now, I never leaned on him while I was struggling, and I was actually doing okay while we were together, it was just the breakup and what followed after that kind of pushed me back down. It was mostly me taking care of him, I was paying for groceries, I was cooking and cleaning up after him. He didn't just "snap" because of anything I was doing, I honestly just believe after getting a car and getting a serious job, his ego was just really inflated.

I see how it might seem I was a difficult person to be with, but I only got upset about the cancelled plans because at that point he had only come to see me once over an entire month, and I wouldn't have been upset about it if he actually was spending time with family. Instead, he went out with his step brother (same age) and got so drunk, he was having brawls with random people in the streets.

While we were living together, I would always encourage him to go see his friends when they invited him out, and always told him he needs to spend more time with his family. The thing is, when I wanted to go see friends, he would always make me feel guilty and would say things like  "all girls are whores, I don't trust your friends." Any time I'd suggest I come over to him, he'd make some lame excuse up as to why I can't. Being in a relationship isn't something I need or want, at least not for a while, especially after how this has affected me. I guess I'm just struggling to understand how someone can switch up so quickly, and struggling to get over the person I thought he was more than anything.

I'm going to try and just move forward and focus on what I want for myself. I needed the reality check though, thank you.

[d0nnivain]

6 hours ago, Taiga said:

 Does the constant urge to have a look at his social media go away after a while? 

Yes.   It's like any other habit.  Once you replace it with something else, the urge dies down.   You can't rely on him to block you.  You are doing this NC for your own good / sanity. 

 

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Do people that cheat ever regret what they've done?

Not really.   They had fun.  That is all they care about.  They may regret getting caught due to the consequences but regret doesn't enter the equation at 19 nor will it bring him back to you. 

 

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It seems like he was enjoying himself after we broke up and I can't help but feel upset about the fact that I'm struggling so much and he isn't.

This is new for you. It's a shock.  For him, he was already exiting the relationship months before the formal official break up.  He's further down the healing road.  

You will be better served by blocking him & not knowing that he's out there having fun.  When you look at his social media, it's like picking a scab.  You bleed & hurt all over again.  You also delay you own healing by aggravating the wound & not giving yourself time to fully heal. 

His position that he could go see friends but you couldn't because he had a disparaging opinion of women was him gaslighting you.  He was telegraphing the idea that if he was an attractive woman he'd be with as many men as possible.  Because he would have cheated he accused you of cheating.  

 

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I'm doing my best to keep busy

Good.  Living well is the best revenge but it takes time.  

Edited April 12 by d0nnivain

[Gebidozo]

I know it doesn’t feel like this now, but you should congratulate yourself for not being in that relationship anymore.

You’ve lost a lousy boyfriend who would have hurt you way worse if for some reason you stayed together.

Please break off all contact with him. Delete him on all your social media. Do not check up on him, do not ask his friends or family about him. That’s the only way for you to start healing.

I’ve been there many times. My heart was broken more than once. When I was roughly your age, I contemplated suicide and thought life was over and I’ll never, ever fall in love again. I’m almost 50 now, and very much in love. Trust me, time will eventually heal your wounds.

 

[Acacia98]

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I splashed out £700 on him to help him buy his first car, and my family even took him on holiday with us (all expenses paid by my dad), and after this point he kind of stopped trying. He didn't help out with any of the housework or cooking. We didn't go out on dates anymore, unless i basically forced him out the house and paid for most of the date.

 I think moving in was a bad idea. He doesn't really seem to be the long-term-relationship type. And you were both too young for that level of commitment.

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I have BPD and struggle with abandonment issues, so after living with him for such a long time I started to feel really depressed and i was really struggling with being alone.

Just for clarification, by BPD, do you mean bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder?

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He started going out with his friends more, staying at his friends uni accommodation, and started to take sometimes hours to reply to my texts. I was checking instagram, which I usually did when I missed him, because he had a highlight on there dedicated to me, and I noticed the story was gone and then I went to check his location because he hadn't replied for a while and he had it turned off. I went through his followers and noticed a bunch of girls on there and eventually asked him to remove them because I was feeling insecure and asked him why he removed the highlight. His excuse for removing the highlight was that he saw a tiktok about evil eye and didn't want anyone to "curse" our relationship. Bearing in mind he claims he is Catholic, to which I said, as a Catholic, we don't believe in such things as evil eye. He completely ignored the fact I mentioned the girls he was following. I'm not the type to say he can't follow any girls other than me, but a couple months prior, he had asked me to unfollow all the guys I had on instagram and I agreed and told him, "well then you should do the same," and I just assumed he would have done it too.

 

He had already lost interest at this point and wanted to sleep around. Just in case it's not clear, when he asked you to unfollow all those guys, he had already cheated on you. Cheaters often get paranoid that they will be cheated on, so they start showing inappropriate controlling behavior towards their partners. In an ideal world, at that point, you would have ended things.

I realize that your abandonment issues contributed tremendously to your struggles with his cheating and the breakup. So I think one of your first priorities should be understanding that rejection is not the end of the world. The guy you love can break up with you, and you can bounce back from that and go on to live a happy life. Breakups are normal. They don't mean that you are not worthy of being loved. They don't mean you will never love or be loved again. They typically mean that you're not a great match or the timing is wrong. And that's fine. It is possible to be there for each other and to support each other through hard times and to still break up. Breakups don't automatically mean the love was not real. It is especially important that you also realize that you guys are young. You're essentially kids. People's earliest relationships typically come to an end. So part of your experience has been the norm. You were way too young to be planning your lives together and to move in together and to hold on so tight to each other. You both still have a bit of growing up to do. You're both still trying to figure out who you are and what your place in the world is. You should allow yourself to be a kid and to enjoy life and explore the world at a slower pace.

[glows]

18 hours ago, Taiga said:

I asked him to block me so that we could both have each other blocked and neither one of us could reach out. He asked me to wait for him to be ready to be in a relationship, so I told him that's never going to happen again. Looking back now, I never leaned on him while I was struggling, and I was actually doing okay while we were together, it was just the breakup and what followed after that kind of pushed me back down. It was mostly me taking care of him, I was paying for groceries, I was cooking and cleaning up after him. He didn't just "snap" because of anything I was doing, I honestly just believe after getting a car and getting a serious job, his ego was just really inflated.

I see how it might seem I was a difficult person to be with, but I only got upset about the cancelled plans because at that point he had only come to see me once over an entire month, and I wouldn't have been upset about it if he actually was spending time with family. Instead, he went out with his step brother (same age) and got so drunk, he was having brawls with random people in the streets.

While we were living together, I would always encourage him to go see his friends when they invited him out, and always told him he needs to spend more time with his family. The thing is, when I wanted to go see friends, he would always make me feel guilty and would say things like  "all girls are whores, I don't trust your friends." Any time I'd suggest I come over to him, he'd make some lame excuse up as to why I can't. Being in a relationship isn't something I need or want, at least not for a while, especially after how this has affected me. I guess I'm just struggling to understand how someone can switch up so quickly, and struggling to get over the person I thought he was more than anything.

I'm going to try and just move forward and focus on what I want for myself. I needed the reality check though, thank you.

Ok. It seems you have more and more clarity as days pass. It helps to think more objectively about how both of you treated each other. Those are inexcusable and disgusting things to say about women and speaks volumes about his values. When you think about who you’re spending your life with or marrying think of qualities that you admire.

People do change. This means you also have to change with the circumstances. Just because someone says or acts like they love you for now doesn’t always mean it will stay that way. The main thing to realize is that you will be OK regardless of what happens because you’re self-sufficient, resilient and flexible enough to change with the changes around you. Most of all don’t close your heart to love again. 

I’m mentioning the above because you were saying it’s hard to grasp how he could change like that or become so inflated with his ego and unkind, a liar and a cheater. The mind will always try and backtrack and figure out where you went wrong and that’s not all bad but no matter what you must accept what he is and what he showed you. And adapt to what happened. You won’t take him back and big kudos to you for drawing the line. Now walk away and don’t keep looking for him. 

[Taiga]

On 4/12/2024 at 6:11 PM, Acacia98 said:

 I think moving in was a bad idea. He doesn't really seem to be the long-term-relationship type. And you were both too young for that level of commitment.

Just for clarification, by BPD, do you mean bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder?

He had already lost interest at this point and wanted to sleep around. Just in case it's not clear, when he asked you to unfollow all those guys, he had already cheated on you. Cheaters often get paranoid that they will be cheated on, so they start showing inappropriate controlling behavior towards their partners. In an ideal world, at that point, you would have ended things.

I realize that your abandonment issues contributed tremendously to your struggles with his cheating and the breakup. So I think one of your first priorities should be understanding that rejection is not the end of the world. The guy you love can break up with you, and you can bounce back from that and go on to live a happy life. Breakups are normal. They don't mean that you are not worthy of being loved. They don't mean you will never love or be loved again. They typically mean that you're not a great match or the timing is wrong. And that's fine. It is possible to be there for each other and to support each other through hard times and to still break up. Breakups don't automatically mean the love was not real. It is especially important that you also realize that you guys are young. You're essentially kids. People's earliest relationships typically come to an end. So part of your experience has been the norm. You were way too young to be planning your lives together and to move in together and to hold on so tight to each other. You both still have a bit of growing up to do. You're both still trying to figure out who you are and what your place in the world is. You should allow yourself to be a kid and to enjoy life and explore the world at a slower pace.

Yeah at the time I saw it differently because of how he said it. He said he wanted the spend his last summer before starting work with me so we can go out and do lots of things. Obviously it turned out quite differently and we never ended up doing all the things we talked about doing.

I have borderline personality disorder, it wasn't very clear until after the breakup, which was when I was diagnosed. I wasn't obsessive or depressed until the arguments started and I do realise how that may have pushed him away, but I did try to express the fact that I wasn't doing well to him. I told him I don't know why I'm so emotional and how when I bring something that upsets me up and he says "I cba for this,"  it makes me feel like I don't mean anything to him. I was trying my best to not bring up the things I found fishy while I was waiting for an appointment with a psychiatrist because he'd get angry when I did. I genuinely believed him when he said I was crazy, and when I apologised for being crazy over and over again, I think he realised he could manipulate me and get away with anything he wanted. I had never thought that he had already cheated when he asked me to unfollow the guys, but I think I see it now and how it all started to fall apart after that moment. 

I know this is my first relationship and the only reason I got so unwell after we broke up was because I've always struggled to open myself up to people out of fear of being hurt. I never planned for a relationship, and I had never wanted kids before meeting him. I was always super independent but after meeting him, I started to wonder what life would be like with him and my own family by my side. I grew comfortable with the idea that I had met a guy that was everything any girl would dream of and ignored all the red flags he showed me right from the start. 

I'm trying my best to move forwards and focus on myself, it's only been 16 days since we went NC and I plan to keep going with it. I am staying far far away from guys until I heal and I'm comfortable enough to be doing well on my own. Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate that you took the time to reply

[Taiga]

On 4/13/2024 at 2:33 AM, glows said:

Ok. It seems you have more and more clarity as days pass. It helps to think more objectively about how both of you treated each other. Those are inexcusable and disgusting things to say about women and speaks volumes about his values. When you think about who you’re spending your life with or marrying think of qualities that you admire.

People do change. This means you also have to change with the circumstances. Just because someone says or acts like they love you for now doesn’t always mean it will stay that way. The main thing to realize is that you will be OK regardless of what happens because you’re self-sufficient, resilient and flexible enough to change with the changes around you. Most of all don’t close your heart to love again. 

I’m mentioning the above because you were saying it’s hard to grasp how he could change like that or become so inflated with his ego and unkind, a liar and a cheater. The mind will always try and backtrack and figure out where you went wrong and that’s not all bad but no matter what you must accept what he is and what he showed you. And adapt to what happened. You won’t take him back and big kudos to you for drawing the line. Now walk away and don’t keep looking for him. 

How do I open my heart up to someone in the future if there's always a chance they'll switch up just like my ex did? I understand that breakups happen and most relationships at my age don't last but genuinely, I don't get how someone can sit there and tell you to your face that they love you and then go and betray you behind your back.

There's a lot more to the story than I've already said, but if I told the whole story not a single person would've read through all of that. Over the relationship, my confidence dropped a lot and I became a lot more self conscious as to how other people perceive me. I'm doing my best to be strong and distract myself but especially after being cheated on, I'm struggling to even leave the house. I want to be okay with being alone again and I want to go to the gym to work on my health. I bought a membership a month ago and have only been inside once to pick up the key. Any advice on how to force myself to allow myself to adapt and gain my confidence back would be really appreciated.  Thanks, I'm looking at his social media less and less each passing day and hopefully I'll be able to stop fully soon.

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, Taiga said:

How do I open my heart up to someone in the future if there's always a chance they'll switch up just like my ex did?

How do you go outside if there is a chance you will get hit by a bus, struck by lightening or hit by a meteor?   You just do because the odds are in your favor.  The next person will be a different person than your EX.  You can't punish them in advance because of something somebody in your past did 

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, Taiga said:

How do I open my heart up to someone in the future if there's always a chance they'll switch up just like my ex did?

It’s simple - if you open your heart to someone in the future, there’s always a chance you’ll find your true love and be together forever.  If you don’t open your heart to anyone ever again, you’ll have zero chance at that. 

To me, love is simply something worth fighting for. So I figure it’s better to keep fighting, knowing that you can lose, but hoping to win, than running away from the battlefield.

Unlike real wars, in love you can’t lose permanently until you really die, you keep getting unlimited chances as long as you’re alive. These are pretty good conditions, I’d say.