Married but emotionally done

[TK0209]

I'm a married 35yo mother of two boys.

Married for 13 years - during this time, I have been loyal, loving hard & forgiving my husband for his actions (that were not acceptable, not keeping boundaries, flirting, visit to the prostitute etc). I would say in total, I could count 5+ events that had affected me which I approached him about but was brushed off. He is an extrovert & loves company of others while I'm an introvert & focus on the inner peace.

I think it came to a point where one day I woke up & felt 'I am done' - but FT work, kids etc - I don't think I had the time to think.

We had a flatmate 'N' who moved in soon after - a young man in his late 20's who had come out of a broken place & wanted space away from everything he went through - which he chose our place.

Him & I got along well - we would open up to me about his past, which was quite dark & had just broken up with his partner so both being quite broken, we connected.

Hubby didn't like this & told me to keep my distance, that he feels 'N' isn't keeping his boundaries.

That is when I flipped - talking to him for hours is nothing compared to what you did & how you brushed me off, yet, you expect me to listen to how you feel? I think at that point I knew I was done & it hit me hard. I broke down in front of hubby & exploded with all my emotions going back 13 years until now - & how I feel about him now = no emotions, no love, just numb. Not even angry anymore. That if he was to go flirt now, I'll feel fine.

Since then, all hell broke lose.

'N' knew what has happening since I told him & obvious as he lived with us. He could see what was going on.

'N' & I continued to be our normal selves around the house (& so did hubby, but you could tell he had his eagle eyes out). 'N' & I would text each other often, talk etc, hubby & I would continue to argue - I was getting exhausted but my feelings for 'N' were growing.

I knew deep down that I wanted to escape from hubby and numerous times I would tell him I am done, that we should end this relationship but continue on as responsible parents & sort out the life we shared. 'N' continued to support me throughout this rollercoaster ride - he was such a great listener, emphasized deeply, gave advice (where he thought our relationship was toxic, that he felt hubby was controlling me, that I am worth more than his pride, that my happiness is most important etc). But at the same time, 'N' & I grew closer - eg: If I left the house to see a friend & call him out later, he would be there in a heartbeat. Or if I had plans in the city which involved drinking & needed a way to get back home, he'd come to collect me etc. We would talk about my troubled relationship (just us 2) & he would then hold my hand. We felt attraction, which was dangerous I know... 

'N' & I talked about it & we confirmed that both being in a broken place, we are there for each other. I told  'N' that if anyone blames our bonding is the reason for why I'm on the verge of leaving hubby & that I'm leaving the marriage due to 'cheating' with 'N' - that whatever anything thinks, it is not true & that 'N' you've done nothing wrong. That I thank you for being here for me. 'N' told me he wasn't ready for anything serious but if I want, we could be in an open relationship until my situation is sorted, that we could discuss further after I've settled.

Hubby gave 'N' a really hard time during his stay with us - knowing what was happening, he confronted 'N' several times. The most recent event (before 'N' vacated) was throwing his fist at 'N', threatening him & telling him to F off. 'N' thought it was best he leaves so he did.

By this point, I had left the house - I stayed with my parents for a week to have some me time. Everything that was going on was so overwhelming & I couldn't stand anything at this point. Work allowed me to switch off from personal life for a moment. 

Hubby's friends tell hubby that 'N' is a threat & that he is crazy to come into our lives like this & do what he did.

My friends on the other hand, understood me & knew why all this had happened the way it did - actually felt sorry for 'N' being that middle person & dealing with hubby's abuse.

When 'N' rushed to move out, he had nowhere to go so stayed in an Air BNB for a couple nights & asked if I wanted to come over. So I did. He asked if I had made up my mind around my marriage but I couldn't give him an answer.

Since then, I could tell 'N' was keeping a distance from me. The communications we normally had everyday, chatting away non-stop via text reduced from his end & I could sense he was slowly pulling away. 

After my personal time at home with my parents, I was able to think. I felt - responsibility for my two boys, hubby was crying to me everyday asking me to come back, that he will change & loves me so much that he cannot imagine life without me. He was begging. I thought, if I take my emotions out of reality, I could give our marriage another try. That my emotions are not everything, that if I try, maybe we could work again & trust hubby just one more time.

That is when I decided to move back in & I am now living at home with my family again. Hubby has definitely changed - I can see he is trying so hard, caring for me more etc. I can feel he does still love me but I wonder if those unacceptable actions he had done in the past will happen again? I know he is a natural flirt... 

I think I closed my heart's door as a defence mechanism towards hubby so I do not feel the pain again. I still have no attraction towards him. It is amazing how the soul closes off just like that. I am shocked at myself. Hubby knows this & is still trying. Since I had decided to give us another try, I feel calm now. My focus is now on myself, to care for myself more & do some activities for myself rather than being a fully dedicated mum & income earner. I think this was another area which burnt me down.

'N' - we still communicate from time to time. I think I really did like him & still do. He knows I'm back with the family but I cannot resist contacting him. He doesn't text me first now - but does respond as though nothing happened. Like friends - no immediate responses & none of the long conversations. More simple talk responses. 

For everyone who reads this - I want to ask you what you think of all this that is happening in my life... 

- The relationship between my husband & I...

- What you would have done if you were me...

- Was I in the wrong? 

- If you were me, what would you have done?

- 'N' & I - what do you think we were? What do you think he was?

- If I end our marriage, what do you think 'N' would do?

- I wonder how much more hubby can take me from here knowing that I am still done but trying to make things work for the family we had built...

 

Thank you everyone... I know it is long but it is the whole truth & happened within the last two months. 

 

[basil67]

• The relationship between your husband and you was not one worth keeping. 
• If I were you, I would have divorced him.  
• N was your emotional affair partner.
• Why does it matter what N would do if you ended your marriage?  Ending your marriage is entirely about deciding if you still want to be married to your husband.
• I don't understand why you're still with your husband if the love has gone. At this point, you're stringing him along.
• And you didn't ask this, but the reason you feel calm in your marriage is because you've shut off and nothing he can do will hurt you.  This is not a marriage worth keeping

 

[d0nnivain]

Your husband cheated on you & endangered your health with prostitutes.  Your marriage has been over for a while.  Rather than ending things, you tried to cope then you had an emotional affair with your housemate.  You want to monkey branch to N because you want a soft place to land.   That is a bad idea.  Your marriage has been over for a while.  End it & clean that mess up completely before you try another relationship.  Leave N completely out of equation.  Do what is best for your kids.  

[Gebidozo]

The relationship between your husband and you appears to be over, since his cheating has made you lose your feelings for him.

If I were you, I would have gotten a divorce.

He was much more wrong than you, but that emotional affair with N, while very understandable, was a bad idea. 

It doesn’t matter what N would or wouldn’t do. This is between you and your husband, N shouldn’t even be in the picture now.

It doesn’t matter how much your husband can or can’t take. You don’t seem to love him anymore. Marriage shouldn’t be loveless.

[BaileyB]

The only thing that I thought while reading your story was how badly I feel for your children because they are in the middle of all this drama. 

Personally, I think you would be wise to leave both these men because neither relationship is a healthy relationship for you or your children. I think you would be wise to focus on your children for a while…