What are his motives?

[lorie9267]

I’ve been chatting regularly with a guy friend for several months. He initiated the first contact (we used to exchange a few texts beforehand) and has been writing to me very often ever since. We talk about a wide range of subjects, some of them quite intimate (family, for example). On several occasions he wanted to talk to me by phone.

He suggested that we go for a walk together once (a dinner followed), and we went to an exhibition together, again on his initiative. He also asked me to hang out with me to see two exhibitions with him. He also sends me photos of his travels...

I wonder about his motives.

What strikes me as strange is that he never asked me the name of my company (I run a business), and when I told him I was going on holiday, he didn't ask me where I was going either. Do you think he's interesting or contacting me to make up for his loneliness? He's a very easy person to talk to and he's well surrounded.

Thanks for your time.

[Ami1uwant]

He might be respecting your privacy and ask about things he could stalk on like knowing your employer,  not asking about your travel plans, nor your home address.

 

how old are you folks?

[lorie9267]

Thank you for answering. Late twenties and he's a bit younger than me.

Do you think he sees more than a girl friend? We used to text from time to time and now he texts me several times a week, sending me sometimes very long messages

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, lorie9267 said:

What strikes me as strange is that he never asked me the name of my company (I run a business), and when I told him I was going on holiday, he didn't ask me where I was going either. Do you think he's interesting or contacting me to make up for his loneliness? He's a very easy person to talk to and he's well surrounded.

Let's roll it back.   

Why do you spend time with a guy who doesn't show the slightest bit of interest in your life?   I'm a woman, and if this was a female friend I would have already moved on.

[glows]

In my experience men dont ask a woman out like that ie to dinner or to art shows or exhibitions multiple times if they’re not romantically or sexually interested. He may be waiting for you to make a move out of respect. I was told I’m hard to read on dates and someone said he didn’t even know if I was attracted to him. That made me laugh and I realized I wasn’t communicating very well either with words or body language.

Have you never flirted with him? Does he have a girlfriend? 

[ShyViolet]

8 hours ago, lorie9267 said:

What strikes me as strange is that he never asked me the name of my company (I run a business), and when I told him I was going on holiday, he didn't ask me where I was going either.

This is very strange.  Does he have a tendency to only talk about himself and not ask you about your life?

[lorie9267]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

This is very strange.  Does he have a tendency to only talk about himself and not ask you about your life?

Thank you for answering. Yes this is so strange. These are questions we naturally ask people to get to know them, right?

We went to an exhibition once and the day before I had to finish a really big project. I was very exhausted the day we meet up and he didn't ask me any questions about it (like how it went, etc.). He told me once that he barely talks about "work" because in his opinion, it's not interesting, and that he doesn't even know where one of his best friends work (he just know what he does). Well his job may be boring but he knows how passionate I am about mine and that it's a big part of my life.

He’s currently on holiday, he wanted to phone me to set a date for our next meeting. I told him that I’d be back at the end of the month because I’d be on holiday and again he wasn’t curious about where I was going and with whom.

He does ask questions from time to time like "and you?" or more specific ones. But I notice that he often makes everything about himself or that his answers aren't really personal as if he was not really listening to me. And YES he does have a tendency to only talk about himself. 

It's the first time I've met someone like him. I don't know how to interpret that. Is he self-absorbed? Does he just like having someone to listen to him (I'm a good listener)?

Thank you.

[lorie9267]

5 hours ago, glows said:

In my experience men dont ask a woman out like that ie to dinner or to art shows or exhibitions multiple times if they’re not romantically or sexually interested. He may be waiting for you to make a move out of respect. I was told I’m hard to read on dates and someone said he didn’t even know if I was attracted to him. That made me laugh and I realized I wasn’t communicating very well either with words or body language.

Have you never flirted with him? Does he have a girlfriend? 

No he's single and I never flirted with him (well I think so, I'm hard to read too!).

[basil67]

30 minutes ago, lorie9267 said:

It's the first time I've met someone like him. I don't know how to interpret that. Is he self-absorbed? Does he just like having someone to listen to him (I'm a good listener)?

 

Yes, he's self absorbed.  And yes, he likes that you listen to him.  But I suspect that he's not even aware of his poor social skills and that he likes an audience rather than the give and take of friendship. 

[lorie9267]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes, he's self absorbed.  And yes, he likes that you listen to him.  But I suspect that he's not even aware of his poor social skills and that he likes an audience rather than the give and take of friendship. 

Thank you for your insight! 

[Lotsgoingon]

How do you feel when you're with him? That's the only important question--and one only YOU can answer. 

You really don't want to care about someone else's motivations. Their motivations don't determine how we feel. 

I mean, let's say he wants to have no strings sex with you and he's keeping some distance because he doesn't want any commitment.

Or let's say he is just socially awkward and distant. 

Or let's say he's really crushing on you  but doesn't know how to say it. 

None of those answers matter. 

The only thing that matters is what you feel and think. 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

I will add: some of the worst experiences I've had were when I heard or was told that someone was crushing on me.

And then I disconnected from what I really felt and got interested in the person.

Never worked. Never. 

For you, pay attention to the red flag of his utter lack of curiosity about you--that's what's important!!!!!

[ShyViolet]

8 hours ago, lorie9267 said:

TBut I notice that he often makes everything about himself or that his answers aren't really personal as if he was not really listening to me. And YES he does have a tendency to only talk about himself. 

It's the first time I've met someone like him. I don't know how to interpret that. Is he self-absorbed? Does he just like having someone to listen to him (I'm a good listener)?

I'm not sure why you would want to keep spending time with a person who is not interested in you, doesn't ask you questions about your life, and mostly just talks about himself.  I would cut a person like that out of my life because it wouldn't make me feel good to be around a person who isn't interested enough in me to ask me any questions about what's going on in my life.  That's not a good friend.

[glows]

8 hours ago, lorie9267 said:

Thank you for answering. Yes this is so strange. These are questions we naturally ask people to get to know them, right?

We went to an exhibition once and the day before I had to finish a really big project. I was very exhausted the day we meet up and he didn't ask me any questions about it (like how it went, etc.). He told me once that he barely talks about "work" because in his opinion, it's not interesting, and that he doesn't even know where one of his best friends work (he just know what he does). Well his job may be boring but he knows how passionate I am about mine and that it's a big part of my life.

He’s currently on holiday, he wanted to phone me to set a date for our next meeting. I told him that I’d be back at the end of the month because I’d be on holiday and again he wasn’t curious about where I was going and with whom.

He does ask questions from time to time like "and you?" or more specific ones. But I notice that he often makes everything about himself or that his answers aren't really personal as if he was not really listening to me. And YES he does have a tendency to only talk about himself. 

It's the first time I've met someone like him. I don't know how to interpret that. Is he self-absorbed? Does he just like having someone to listen to him (I'm a good listener)?

Thank you.

Some people have other things going on or are deeply insecure with themselves. Even though you’re interested in him it’s unlikely that it will go very far or last very long even if he’s willing to date you or says he wants to. 

I’ve certainly gone through periods of my life where I must have come across this way or self-absorbed too and it just meant I couldn’t connect as well with others. After these recent details, I wouldn’t pursue this. It’s also key that a person finds some meaning to their work no matter what job imo as there are a lot of hours spent at work for the average person and you both are not on the same wavelength.

He doesn’t feel the same way as you so expecting him to behave like you is unreasonable. He’s not interested in work. This means don’t expect him to be interested in your work which is a passion of yours. This is just going to continue with more conflict and misunderstandings. 

If you’ve never flirted with him and are passionate about things ie your job/career that he doesn’t relate to how is this guy supposed to reciprocate interest also? This is an equal match of superficiality at most. It’s not going to get much deeper than what it is. I probably wouldn’t spend as much time with this person and meet new people. 

[ZA Dater]

To be honest he sound lonely and maybe lacks confidence. Perhaps he is not wanting to engage because he is not sure how interested you are?

[basil67]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

To be honest he sound lonely and maybe lacks confidence. Perhaps he is not wanting to engage because he is not sure how interested you are?

He doesn't even know where his best mate works, so it's clearly not about dating nerves.  I have someone around me who's like this.  Sometimes we may be in a group someone else will ask me about a thing I've been doing and the self centred person will say "I didn't you you were...." and I smile at them and think "if you got your head out of your own arse and asked after me on occasion, I would have told you".

For the record, I don't consider people like this friends.  Rather, they are people I'm stuck with.  Thankfully, OP can return this fish to the pond.

Edited April 13, 2024 by basil67

[GeorgiaPeach1]

In my experience, he's probably talking to multiple women. It's too exhausting keeping up with a lot of details about each woman, so why even ask?

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, Susie47 said:

You can hire a private investigator if you feel unsure about his motive towards you , they will help you get into his phone ethically and hopefully you don't get too heartbroken . You can hire spyworld47 on Instagram . They are very good .😀

This person is a scammer and needs to get off these boards.