How to let go of someone

[MikeFrey]

Hi reaching out as I need advice .

I am a 60 year old guy very fit and apparently look young for my age.I have recently separated from my wife after a sexless stressful marriage of over 30  years—my wife suffers from anxiety  and ocd that has in part caused us to live increasingly separate lives.I have met a much younger woman that I am struggling to let go of—I am this woman’s boss and cannot for that reason let her know my feelings towards her.I know the interest in the relationship is mainly one sided  — but I love being with her —she is fun to be with easy on the eye and very positive —all the things my relationship with my wife has lost.

I know I need to let this new woman go — we go running together and walk dogs occasionally—she will do things with me outside of work .I am struggling to get her out of mind and am fearful of being alone and never finding anyone like her .

Any wise words much appreciated :)

[Alpacalia]

Do you know if she is romantically interested in you at all?

Does she know that you're recently separated and going through a stressful time?

Please don't feel guilty, I think it's quite normal to feel like a teenager again when you suddenly find someone you have a lot in common with especially if you have been living what sounds like quite a lonely existence with your wife in separate bedrooms.

The good news is that this girl seems to see qualities in you and genuinely enjoy your company.

It would be much better to let things happen when you are healed and free to be yourself (not just with this particular woman...).

Right now your feelings of rejection and this woman's feelings of admiration maybe clouding your vision and without meaning to you may both be using each other as a therapy without actually being ready to face difficult emotions and reality that come with any ending. Although none of this is really your fault you both need to be very careful. You could lose her and your job in one fell swoop if you let this get too out of hand. 

If you're prepared to end communication with her, you can gradually decrease the frequency and extent of your interactions with her outside of work.

Edited April 13 by Alpacalia

[MikeFrey]

Hi Alpacalia —thankyou for your reply —it’s difficult to know if she is interested romantically or just being nice —either way it’s consuming me too much —she knows what I am going through at least in part —yep I haven’t said anything to her as I am supervising her for another year at least —I have thought of talking to my boss about it —but can’t guarantee that he would be to not act on the fact that I have a relationship of some sort with her outside of work —so I haven’t said anything so far to my boss.I have even thought of changing jobs but the job I’m in currently is with a great team and I wouldn’t want to lose them .So I feel stuck between constantly wishing to be with this woman and knowing that it’s possibly not going to happen …at least for a while. .I  need to get some peace over it all .It’s even good to talk remotely to strangers —I appreciate your wisdom and kind words .—

[Gebidozo]

Are you and your wife divorced now?

Why don’t you just continue your friendship with this woman while finalizing your divorce and mentally healing? Who knows, maybe she is romantically interested in you too? What’s the exact age difference between you two?

You like her and you two enjoy doing stuff together, why not just continue like this for a while? 

[MikeFrey]

Hi Gebidozo,

Thanks for your comment -I'm 60 she is 32 -so a big age difference -the trouble is we are very relaxed with each other -she has children from a previous relationship -who I get on with -I'm certainly going to keep that friendship going -which when I am with her represents one of my happy places.I just need to let it  go a bit,as im putting too much emotional weight on it all. Who knows maybe something will come of or maybe not.She obviously gets something out of being with me -I just need to be happy with that for now .

[Gebidozo]

11 hours ago, MikeFrey said:

Hi Gebidozo,

Thanks for your comment -I'm 60 she is 32 -so a big age difference -the trouble is we are very relaxed with each other -she has children from a previous relationship -who I get on with -I'm certainly going to keep that friendship going -which when I am with her represents one of my happy places.I just need to let it  go a bit,as im putting too much emotional weight on it all. Who knows maybe something will come of or maybe not.She obviously gets something out of being with me -I just need to be happy with that for now .

With such a large age difference, it’s possible she isn’t romantically interested in you and feels so comfortable with you precisely because she doesn’t perceive you as a sexual threat. It is also entirely possible that she is interested in you romantically. Maybe you should find out what exactly she’s feeling for you. 

I think you have high hopes for his relationship, and you seem to be vulnerable and in need of affection after the separation from your wife. I’m afraid it’s going to be tough for you to find out that she has no romantic feelings for you after you’ve invested so much in her emotionally. It’s better to know where you stand.

I take it you aren’t divorced yet, just separated?

[MikeFrey]

Hi Gebidozo,

yes separated so far —yep it is a rough ride for me having lost so much recently —my mum died  and a few other things —I’m trying to let go of the relationship to some extent,but when you’ve lost things it’s harder to let go of something that brings you joy and happiness. 

[d0nnivain]

It's all about self control.  Stop running with your subordinate employee or doing anything with her that is not absolutely necessary for work.   If you need more incentive to stay away, pay for a consult with an employment / discrimination attorney & have that person explain the costs of pursing this relationship -- you could lose your job, your house, your savings, your standing in the community, the respect of your friends & family. 

Find somebody else who you don't work with to spend time with & have sex with. Once you get a suitable playmate, this woman will lose much of her charms.  

[Lishy]

I know right now the pain is really bad, but I promise you it will get better. I thought that my life was over and I honestly mean that I actually felt so bad. I just used to go to bed at night and hope that I didn’t wake up in the morning.

Heartbreak hurts so bad that you almost can touch the pain on your chest but let me tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel and so don’t listen to people who tell you that this feeling will never go away because that’s not true !! Here are three things that helped me the most

1.  I opened up to my friends and family and that was hard for me, but I opened up and I told them my truth truth  and they allowed me to vent, thank God but if you don’t know anyone like that around you then hire a coach or even a counsellor or go to your doctors but you need someone to talk to or even write it down that makes you feel better writing it down to

2.  I went to the gym even though I hate exercising it really helped more than I could ever tell you hated it initially but then I realised how good it made me feel afterwards and it wasn’t about getting muscles or getting skinny. It was simply about my mental health and it really helped.

3. And I started reading which I never normally do either. I literally read so many breakup books but if I’m honest with you the one that really stands out and the one I really feel help me the most was called bossing your breakup and it’s on Amazon and it’s almost a guided journal as well as having so much amazing information and you actually feel like the offer cares and it’s evident that the offer has gone through heartbreak it themselves

So again, don’t think that these feelings are permanent because they are really not and I hope my tips helped but just keep moving forward and realise that one person cannot dictate your happiness 

Peace out

[MikeFrey]

Thank you Lishy -for your kind words -Im doing a lot of sharing my emotional state with people and go to the gym nearly everyday -it gives me structure and somehow helps in some way I can't define.Im working with the person I feel attracted to and am limiting my time with her -but it's another loss I have to deal with and I miss her daily.Plus she is still around so it's a slow detox .

I'll check out that book thanks for the suggestion 😀 

[Lotsgoingon]

 

No, no, no. Limiting time with your subordinate is NOT "another loss," akin to your mom dying, or akin to being in an unsatisfying marriage and divorcing after 30 years. Those are real and devastating losses that take years to work through.

You're trying to turn this woman into a "rebound" relationship. Rebounds always crash, and you end up on the ground in worse pain than the pain you were originally trying to escape through the rebound. You cannot skip the painful process of grief and rebirth by getting infatuated with a woman 28 years younger.

I do know how easy it is to get infatuated after devastating loss.  My two brothers died within a year of each other (just five years and six years after my mother died).  When the second brother died, I was still deep in sadness and confusion over the death of the first brother. Suddenly, I developed a crush on a colleague who I had a good friendship with, someone I had no been attracted to before. Rebound. We had a fling. It lasted two months. 

There is no way you can maturely date someone right after a bad 30-year-old marriage and you've only recently separated. You haven't even begun to deal with the full losses of the marriage. Right now, you need some activities, hobbies, and time with friends. Someone mentioned exercise and reading—excellent. And heck, there's nothing wrong with watching TV for a while.

A much healthier and more sustainable relationship with a woman like this is to be a mentor. A mentor can feel affection for the mentee, but it's not romantic affection. A mentor can share their depth of experience and wisdom in ways that truly help the younger person growth and develop. But the mentor has to have their own life somewhat together separate from the mentee--especially if it's a man mentoring a younger woman. 

 

[MikeFrey]

Hi lotsgoingon,

I am trying at the moment to 'fast' from contacting her -as she is on a placement away from me-this is helping me -but I also miss her presence with me during my work day.  -I am not arranging anything outside of work currently.

My marriage has been over for a long time -it just took a while for me  to realise it.I'm not sure that I have not done my share of grieving for what might have been a along time ago -So it doesn't feel like a rebound situation -I could be wrong.

I do feel a bit angry at God as I feel I have lost so much and gained so little but that's really me being self pitying I guess.

I have ordeed the book the previous poster recommended -bossing your breakup-perhapse that will help.

I appreciate your advice -thankyou