barto Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 I 32m caught my girlfriend 29f of 5 years chatting to her ex again I need advice please? So I confronted her on it and she said that it's only general chit chat (bare in mind that I caught her before it wasn't chit chat then) So had a fight she wouldn't show me her phone I gave up in it. Next day my daughter was looking at videos on her phone and left it down so I checked it and she wrote to her ex saying sorry he snatched the phone off Me to whitch he replied what thought ye split up?? She didn't even acknowledge that he said it only played the victim card he eventually said you said otherwise I wish ye all the best I need less lies in my life No contact since.. I want to reach out to him to get more info let him know I'm not mad at him just like to get answers so I can move on for my kids and get our of this toxic relationship What would ye guys do? Any advice is appreciated Thanks on advance Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 (edited) What was the chit chat 'not chit chat' you caught her on before? Her ex is asking if you split up - a normal reaction when she is texting him all the time and asking for his advice on her current relationship. She already told him that you split up (or I am guessing that after the big argument this was a possibility in her mind). If your daughter doesn't have a role in the situation, I would not pre-occupy her video time with your girlfriends' phone. Right now she is lying about exactly to what degree your relationship has deteriorated. Sure, you can talk to him about it but honestly it would probably blow up. I do agree with you that she is saying these things to him. She is saying that they're "just having general chit chat" but her telling her ex that you "split up," isn't exactly general chit chat. I would suggest getting ahead of the entire situation. Say to your girlfriend 'I want us to have a fresh start and I want to stop all the fighting and lying. Since things are so bad, I am reconsidering whether or not I want to continue this relationship. Feel free to leave, block me whatever but I need some time away.' This way, you are taking control of the situation and giving yourself time to think about what you really want. Edited April 13 by Alpacalia 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 1 hour ago, barto said: I want to reach out to him to get more info let him know I'm not mad at him just like to get answers so I can move on for my kids and get our of this toxic relationship What would ye guys do? Any advice is appreciated Thanks on advance You really don't need answers at this point. You already know what you need to know: it's a toxic relationship, and she's looking for attention from her ex. Her vision of what's okay is directly at odds with the monogamy you desire. So, instead of trying to catch her red-handed or lay down the law, recognize that you're incompatible and bid her farewell. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author barto Posted April 13 Author Share Posted April 13 Yeah I completely understand I stayed last time for my kids I just can't find the courage to go because if my two kids can't bare what stunt she will pull if I went that's the thing.. like I do have him saying she said we split up whitch it something.. unless I have something on her it will be twisted on me Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 8 minutes ago, barto said: Yeah I completely understand I stayed last time for my kids I just can't find the courage to go because if my two kids can't bare what stunt she will pull if I went that's the thing.. like I do have him saying she said we split up whitch it something.. unless I have something on her it will be twisted on me Don't use your 2 kids as an excuse to not do this when it's best. If she is known for pulling stunts I understand but you need to rip off the bandaid. Do the considered, thoughtful and responsible decision that you can rather than jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Link to post Share on other sites
Author barto Posted April 13 Author Share Posted April 13 I'm not using them as am excuse? Not that easy walk away not knowing how it will turn out she has threatened them on me already. Yes I need to rip it off sooner and it'd probably what's best for the kids I can give them all my time when I have them just not easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author barto Posted April 13 Author Share Posted April 13 1 hour ago, Alpacalia said: What was the chit chat 'not chit chat' you caught her on before? Her ex is asking if you split up - a normal reaction when she is texting him all the time and asking for his advice on her current relationship. She already told him that you split up (or I am guessing that after the big argument this was a possibility in her mind). If your daughter doesn't have a role in the situation, I would not pre-occupy her video time with your girlfriends' phone. Right now she is lying about exactly to what degree your relationship has deteriorated. Sure, you can talk to him about it but honestly it would probably blow up. I do agree with you that she is saying these things to him. She is saying that they're "just having general chit chat" but her telling her ex that you "split up," isn't exactly general chit chat. I would suggest getting ahead of the entire situation. Say to your girlfriend 'I want us to have a fresh start and I want to stop all the fighting and lying. Since things are so bad, I am reconsidering whether or not I want to continue this relationship. Feel free to leave, block me whatever but I need some time away.' This way, you are taking control of the situation and giving yourself time to think about what you really want. Sorry yea it was a different ex last time She wouldn't show me the phone so I don't know what was said only whst I saw next day when he was pissed after finding out we never split or never have.. then he cut ties. She had everything else deleted. Last time she used the excuse she was getting attention off him even though I shower her with it only to receive nothing back. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 39 minutes ago, barto said: I'm not using them as am excuse? Not that easy walk away not knowing how it will turn out she has threatened them on me already. Yes I need to rip it off sooner and it'd probably what's best for the kids I can give them all my time when I have them just not easy. It's not easy but anything less you're just holding yourself hostage. She's already poisoned the well, and this is just the most recent incident (or second most recent, I'm not even sure, which should tell you something). You can choose to say that this is just her ex it's not going to go anywhere because she loves you and she's steadfast, etc., but everything she says just feeds into all the uncertainty and bugs the 10 pounds of crap out of you. What has her response been other then it's general chit chat? Has she said anything else? Your kids would be far better off with 2 poeple that aren't miserable and have a tense, hostile relationship with each other in front of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author barto Posted April 13 Author Share Posted April 13 Yup agree to everything OK basically everyone even her friends are telling me to get out that is who she is and that after a week or 2 I'll end up with the kids because they are holding her back I'm basically raring them anyway bother physically and financially. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 She's the mother of the kids? I suggest you speak to a lawyer before leaving so that you can get your ducks in place 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 (edited) Being that she is the mother of your children has she ever talked to you about the issues in your relationship and how they are affecting your children? I mean, I agree that you can't just up and leave with the children, especially if she hasn't done anything wrong regarding their wellbeing but between the two of you. You're the main person who looks after the kids? Edited April 13 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
Author barto Posted April 13 Author Share Posted April 13 Well she has been caught texting her ex twice now and saying we split up that's wrong in its self. She it the once shouting all the time infront of the kids my 3yo evem said to me daddy put your hands on your ears when mammy does that Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted April 14 Share Posted April 14 It doesn't sound like she's all that happy with you and your life together, so... What's the plan? This doesn't sound particularly great right now. She is shouting in front of the kids and your kids are saying that you need to put your fingers on your ears when she is shouting. Forget going and talking to her ex. You already have ample reason to walk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author barto Posted April 14 Author Share Posted April 14 I know I do but she threatened kids on me look at lease I have him saying she said we split up yano she can't deny it Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted April 14 Share Posted April 14 I think the most important thing for you to do right now is see a lawyer. You need to make sure you have custody of/access to the kids so that, if anything goes wrong, she can't deny you access to them. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 15 Share Posted April 15 After 5 years why on earth is she still talking to an EX? Since this is a repeated pattern, she clearly sees something in him that she thinks is missing in her relationship with you. She may also have a fluid relationship with the truth or at least one foot out the door of her relationship with you if she said something to the EX that caused him to believe that you & her had broken up. This relationship doesn't seem healthy or fulfilling. You need to ask yourself why you are still in it. Don't say "for the kids" This GF is not their mom. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 20 Share Posted April 20 TBH you don't need any reason to leave a relationship. You can just leave. Get a lawyer, know your rights etc about shared custody and how to navigate her aggressive behaviour that is to soon follow. If she acts up, so what. You can talk to your kids and assure them you are there for them and will continue to take care of them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted April 20 Share Posted April 20 Ditto @smackie9: You don't need "evidence" and all that. You break up because you don't feel safe and loved and reassured in the relationship. Period. You don't need to look at someone's phone or "catch" them doing something. You get out because you "catch" that you don't feel good with the person. Period! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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