Am i stupid Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 Ok so long storey but will try and shorten it! I started seeing my partner just before Covid, whilst we were all in lockdown doing the best for our family’s, he decided to message one of his exs and start an affair with her, he would drive up on a Saturday morning while her partner was out shopping have his way and come home, this happened for about a month and then they would meet at parks etc for walks! He did all of this before I was awake! when I found out by pure accident, he was showing me his new phone and a message popped up saying I love you to, I confronted him about it, he admitted after a while, he then said it was a mistake and we tried to work things out! A few months later I then found another message on his phone and again he promised me it was all done! He swore on his kids life, he stood on my moms grave and promised to never hurt, betray cheat on me again! I gave him some ideas on how to best build my trust, he never took any of them, started having really bad temper tantrums, had hurt me a few times says he has no memory of them…. he then cheated on me with her another two times, all while trying to make things right with me, but the tantrums have got so bad that I actually feel scared and afraid to be alone with him! he has betrayed me, with his ex wife, repeating conversations, causing her to attack me verbally, nothing to him is sacred? most recently he put himself on tinder, started to talk to someone and even had her round at it house, no sex but other things, he says she was a mistake, he did it as he wanted to pretend to be someone he wasn’t? But he spoke about all the fantasies we had discussed, etc nothing was actually different, he was himself, just lying to me and her! part of me wants to believe he will change! But he can’t change the basics, he will give me nothing to help me move on:-( Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 Fake quote but apropos... "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result" 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 I don't see where you have kids with this man, and even if you did, why are you still there? 3 hours ago, Am i stupid said: he will give me nothing to help me move on:-( It's not his job to give you the self esteem to decide you won't be cheated and lied to multiple times and still stick around for more. It's your responsibility to protect your heart and mind. The way he has treated you, I take that back, he's given you more than enough reasons to move on, you just won't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 It sounds like he is exactly the same as he was when you got together with him. You met right before COVID and very soon you found him cheating with his ex, correct? Did you move in together immediately? You did not get to know him before you got deeply involved with him. As far as you can know, he's never completely severed ties with his ex, and never was actually monogamous with you. I'm sorry but this is who he is. There is nothing for you to do but move on. Please don't keep putting up with this. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 4 hours ago, Am i stupid said: he will give me nothing to help me move on:-( I'm not sure what you mean by this. He's given you plenty of reasons to move on, so it can't be that......perhaps you stuck financially? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 4 hours ago, Am i stupid said: part of me wants to believe he will change! What has he ever done to demonstrate by his actions that he will change? I ask only because I didn’t see a single thing in your post that would indicate he had any intention of changing his ways… 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goldengirls Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 10 minutes ago, BaileyB said: What has he ever done to demonstrate by his actions that he will change? I ask only because I didn’t see a single thing in your post that would indicate he had any intention of changing his ways… THIS! I would maybe consider it if he had not signed up to tinder and kept going back to his ex after saying he wouldn’t. but he keeps going back and doing what he wants with no regard to your feelings. Maybe he needs counseling for a sex addiction? His actions are beyond disrespectful towards you and he doesn’t seem like he’s going to stop any time soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Am i stupid Posted April 14 Author Share Posted April 14 9 hours ago, basil67 said: I'm not sure what you mean by this. He's given you plenty of reasons to move on, so it can't be that......perhaps you stuck financially? No not stick financially, we have no ties except my love for him, but thank to you guys on here, you have helped open my eyes! Non of my friends and family are aware of this, so I have no one to talk to! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 14 Share Posted April 14 (edited) Yes you are crazy for staying. This man is a cheater. He will never change. Kick him to the curb & get an STD test immediately. If your friends & family aren't aware of his bad behaviors, tell them so they understand why you left. Edited April 14 by d0nnivain Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 14 Share Posted April 14 Do you live together? How long was he separated or divorced from his ex wife? At first I got the impression he was living with you but I read your post a second time and it doesn’t say that he does. He seems to be going behind your back and treating you the same way he treats these other women with lies. Are you sure he’s really separated or divorced or are you one of the “other women” and he’s actually still married? Have you met his ex wife’s “partner” or could this be an imaginary person he has lied about? I question all this because his ex wife is attacking you verbally. If she had anything left to lose she would be minding her own business with her real partner or not wanting to jeopardize her own relationship. Story doesn’t make sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted April 14 Share Posted April 14 Yes, you’re crazy for staying with him. He is an unrepentant cheater and abuser. Run away from him and break off all contact with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 14 Share Posted April 14 12 hours ago, Am i stupid said: No not stick financially, we have no ties except my love for him, but thank to you guys on here, you have helped open my eyes! Non of my friends and family are aware of this, so I have no one to talk to! Why do you love him? Can you make a list of all the things he does which make you fall in love with him? (serious question) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Am i stupid Posted April 15 Author Share Posted April 15 On 4/14/2024 at 2:07 PM, glows said: Do you live together? How long was he separated or divorced from his ex wife? At first I got the impression he was living with you but I read your post a second time and it doesn’t say that he does. He seems to be going behind your back and treating you the same way he treats these other women with lies. Are you sure he’s really separated or divorced or are you one of the “other women” and he’s actually still married? Have you met his ex wife’s “partner” or could this be an imaginary person he has lied about? I question all this because his ex wife is attacking you verbally. If she had anything left to lose she would be minding her own business with her real partner or not wanting to jeopardize her own relationship. Story doesn’t make sense. No we don’t live together! he is defo divorced, I have seen the papers! She was in a relationship and has another kids now, split up and now in another relationship! indont know why she feels the need to mess with what little relationship we have something doesn’t add up Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 15 Share Posted April 15 You are not married and so could end things anytime, no? I understand that for many folks ending a relationship is easier said than done. However, it seems you accept his promises to stop, give him a chance, and he goes out and does it more. TBQH it seems you have shown him you'll let him walk all over your heart/feelings. Perhaps that's the partner he wants - he has the stability of a relationship, AND the ability to be with others on the side. Is it what YOU want? Sometimes there really isn't anything you can do to change your partner, particularly in a short timeframe. You have to let them do what they need to do, and YOU do what you need to do in response. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted April 16 Share Posted April 16 5 hours ago, Am i stupid said: indont know why she feels the need to mess with what little relationship we have something doesn’t add up What does it matter what she feels? This has nothing to do with her. This has everything to do with him being an unrepentant cheater. You can’t change a person just because you want that person to change so badly. Change has to come from within. Can cheaters change and stop cheating? Absolutely! But for that to happen, they need to undergo a profound transformation. They need to feel genuine remorse. They need to repent. They need to loathe what they’ve done. They need to firmly decide to never repeat that offense. Does it look like your BF is going through the process I described above? Judging by your description, it doesn’t. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 16 Share Posted April 16 6 hours ago, Am i stupid said: No we don’t live together! he is defo divorced, I have seen the papers! She was in a relationship and has another kids now, split up and now in another relationship! indont know why she feels the need to mess with what little relationship we have something doesn’t add up It seems to me they are well matched together. Maybe it’s time to rethink what matters to you in a relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted April 16 Share Posted April 16 I would never call you crazy for staying in a relationship. Because it's up to you how you make the rules in your relationship. If you can live comfortably with the knowledge that he's repeatedly cheated on you (and probably will do it again), that's your choice. I think most women would have ended the relationship though. Link to post Share on other sites
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