Rejected after a kiss

[MikeB12]

Hello all,

Just wanted to write/vent about a recent dating experience and wanted to get some advice/perspective. I'm having a very hard time dealing with it so I figured it may be good just to get my thoughts out and converse with people.

I connected with a woman on a dating app three weeks ago today. We chatted pretty regularly. We were supposed to get together 2 weeks ago today but she had a work commitment come up and could not get together. She was very apologetic and passed along her number that day. I told her it was no problem at all and we started then talking via text instead of the app.

We went on our first date last Sunday afternoon (a week ago tomorrow). Without exaggeration, I can say that it was the best first date I have been on (I have been divorced for about 6.5 years and have gone on lots of dates since then). She seemed to have a really great time too (she has been divorced for about 4.5 years). Just solid, fluid conversation and we seemed to click really well with lots of stuff in common and interests, kind of at the same page with where we're at in life and what we want, both went through divorces where our respective ex's cheated on us, both kind of sick of the nonsense that comes with the dating scene these days etc. About as close to a perfect date as you can hope for and even tentatively had made plans for a second date during the first date. For context, I am 41 and she will be 38 in a few weeks, so age is similar.

As we got to our cars before we split off for the evening, we shared a hug and a few kisses. I didn't really think much of it, as it just seemed like the proper ending to what was a great day. 
 

I texted her when I got home about an hour later. She thanked me for a lovely day. 
 

I sent her a good morning text the day after (Monday). We talked a little bit but not too much. I had a busy day at work and it was her day off so didn't want to bug her too much. I did notice Monday evening that I came across her in another dating app as a "new" profile. Which, I have no issues at all with people having profiles on multiple apps. I know I do from time to time also, it's just the way it goes. The timing just seemed odd, one day after what was a really great date. 
 

I sent her a good morning text Tuesday just asking how her day off was, etc. She said it was good but wasn't super talkative. I told her I'd love to get together again. She texted me Tuesday evening and said the kiss caught her off guard and said she doesn't like to kiss on the first date and that it threw her off. I will note that this kiss was mutual. It was not discussed during the date that she doesn't kiss on the first date, nor did she pull back at all. It was a mutual thing and in fact we actually kissed 4-5 times.

Even though I did not do anything wrong, I told her I was sorry and that I guess it was something that just happened. I reiterated that I had a great time and would definitely love to hang out again if she would give it another shot. She texted me back Wednesday evening (3 days ago) basically saying that she can't seem to get past it ("it" being the kiss) and just wished me luck in love.

I don't know why, but this is hitting me very hard. I know we had only been talking for 3 weeks and had only gone out once. But I guess I just felt a really strong connection and finally seemed to click with someone (and if she's being totally honest, I think she would also say the date was awesome, minus the kiss at the end apparently).

I have not yet responded to her and not sure if/when I will. My emotions still seem very raw and I think I'm a little bitter and feel like I'm getting shortchanged. 
 

I totally respect the fact that she doesn't like to kiss on the first date. I typically do not all that often either. Obviously I would not have kissed her had I known or had she pulled away. I feel like I'm being blamed for something that both of us partook in. I feel like I'm being robbed of what could potentially be a very good connection with a lot of potential with her, all over a kiss. I'm surprised and honestly a little pissed off that she does not want to get together again because if this. Again, outside of the kiss, it was a truly amazing date and I know she would admit that if asked. 
 

I guess I'm just really confused and a little hurt to be totally honest, that she doesn't want to get together again because of this. 
 

Not sure if anyone has been in a similar situation or can provide any feedback. Like I said. It's been a very rough few days. I was so looking forward to hanging out again and now it looks like I'm not going to get that chance and I guess I'm just super bummed out about it. 
 

Thanks,

Mike 

[Alpacalia]

She has no interest in rescheduling. It sucks, but it happens. It's her prerogative to end things at any point, and that's what she did.

I'm sorry that 3 weeks invested in this has you gun-shy now. It'll be easy to withdraw, to not put yourself out there. Don't do that. Don't let her get into your head. It's good to say things you wished you said like "honestly we BOTH initiated the kiss and talked about getting together again." 

As for your actual question. I think she sounds like she is definitely avoiding. You are doing the right thing by giving her space. If she wants to talk to you and/or go out again, she knows how to reach you.

[Sony12]

A few relatively innocent kisses at an end of a date don't really mean a whole lot. Infact for many people it is just a somewhat sexual way of saying goodbye. It seldom indicates how interested in you they really are. What indicates how interested they really are is in how communicative they are after the date is over. You didn't overstep your bounds in anyway unless she flat out told you beforehand that she doesn't want to be kissed on the first date.

The real answer unfortunately is that she probably just didn't feel all that much chemistry with you and the kisses didn't really do much for her. If she had enjoyed the kisses she wouldn't have said what she did. She would be saying how good of time she had.

 

You two hadn't been talking to each other for all that long and both of you seem to be a little indifferent about dating in general. Just keep on looking and you will find someone you have more chemistry with who wants you to kiss her.

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, MikeB12 said:

I feel like I'm being robbed of what could potentially be a very good connection with a lot of potential with her, all over a kiss. I'm surprised and honestly a little pissed off that she does not want to get together again because if this. 

Robbed?  I'm sorry but that's ridiculous.  Your attitude is a little too entitled.  She doesn't owe you anything. After the date she decided that she wasn't that into you and wasn't interested in seeing you again.  It happens and it is totally her right to make that decision.  This is a woman who you went on one date with.  You are getting way too hung up on a woman who you really don't know. I understand that you felt that the one date you had with her was the best date of your life, but that doesn't mean she felt the same way.  Apparently she didn't, or she would want to see you again.  It was probably a combination of factors, I doubt that it was just because you kissed.  Maybe that's the reason she's telling you because it's easier to blame it on that.  There are often other reasons that people don't say.  In any case, it doesn't matter.  You weren't "robbed" of anything.  "Robbed" suggests that you think something that belonged to you was taken from you.  This woman didn't belong to you nor were you entitled to a chance at a relationship with her.  She is her own person and she is going to make whatever decision she sees fit to make, and you need to accept that.  This is just how it goes in dating.

[MikeB12]

@ShyVioleti appreciate your feedback. Maybe "robbed" was not the correct choice of words, I'll give you that. But shortchanged? Absolutely, 100%. During the date we had talked about getting together Wednesday or Thursday of this past week. She cuts hair for a living so I was going to get a haircut and then we were going to get drinks. So yes, it does 100% have to do with the kiss. 

[Sony12]

Also a good thing to keep in mind is that some people are simply just quality daters and are able to make the other person feel they are interested even if they really aren't.  

Good chance the lady is just outgoing and enjoys talking to people regardless if she wants to see more of them or not. 

Edited April 13, 2024 by Sony12

[basil67]

26 minutes ago, MikeB12 said:

@ShyVioleti appreciate your feedback. Maybe "robbed" was not the correct choice of words, I'll give you that. But shortchanged? Absolutely, 100%. During the date we had talked about getting together Wednesday or Thursday of this past week. She cuts hair for a living so I was going to get a haircut and then we were going to get drinks. So yes, it does 100% have to do with the kiss. 

I think she's making excuses, and it seems like she finds it easier to blame the other party than to be honest about her own misgivings

[Ami1uwant]

You felt you really connected with her. She likely didn’t feel the same.

 

you might not be the only one she’s dating.

you doing the daily texting might have turned her off or she didn’t want anything serious very quick.

im unsure if you forced the kisses? Tried tongue?

 

I’ve had my share of decent first dates that didn’t turn into anything.

[ZA Dater]

Not a very nice experience. My advice is forget about her as difficult as that is unfortunately this is and the new profile confirms it, an example of consumer dating, endless options so why not just exercise those options. My guess she dates often and dates end in much the same way. Does she have kid's?

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, MikeB12 said:

So yes, it does 100% have to do with the kiss. 

You don't know that, actually. 

She could easily have other reasons she doesn't want to get together again, but rather than being honest, she picked this as her excuse to make an exit. I know it stings but try not to let it get you down too much. This sort of thing happens all the time in dating. 

[smackie9]

I don't think the kiss had anything to do with it. She just used it as an excuse to get out of seeing you again. For what reason? Who knows...maybe another opportunity arose. I can see you are disappointed. You thought you had this in the bag. Some people just throw themselves in right into that moment, then later have second thoughts about the attraction the next day. It happens. Just have to let this one go. Obviously she wasn't the one for you.

[Sony12]

13 hours ago, MikeB12 said:

@ShyVioleti appreciate your feedback. Maybe "robbed" was not the correct choice of words, I'll give you that. But shortchanged? Absolutely, 100%. During the date we had talked about getting together Wednesday or Thursday of this past week. She cuts hair for a living so I was going to get a haircut and then we were going to get drinks. So yes, it does 100% have to do with the kiss. 

A short series of kisses is seldom (if ever) the reason someone chooses not to go on a second date. The people that are so picky that they would base rather there will be a second date or not on how good the kisses were during that first date are people that probably don't get dates to begin with.  Kissing on the first date (no matter how good at kissing they are) can help but will very rarely hurt the chances for a second date to happen.

And talking about going out again without anything official being planned out is completely normal as well. After all you are just talking about it and not officially scheduling it so there is no reason for her to turn you down at that moment. She only needs to turn you down when you officially try to schedule another date. Which she did.

Her behavior has been completely normal yet your seemingly lack of dating experience has made it a much bigger deal than it really is.

Edited April 14, 2024 by Sony12

[Gebidozo]

I’m with those who think the kiss was just a (lame) excuse.

She probably can’t bring herself to honestly tell you she doesn’t want to continue dating you (for whatever reason). So she tries to make it look like you did something inappropriate.

This happens a lot. She doesn’t owe you anything, it’s her right to stop dating you. You shouldn’t bother replying her, pointing out that the kiss was mutual, or anything like that. It would be a pointless waste of time. She is not interested. Move on.

I had some first dates (with kisses) that felt great, but nothing valuable came out of them later. You never know. First impression doesn’t mean much, really. You can’t get to know a person on the first date. So don’t be sad, plenty of other fish in the sea.

[Sony12]

People seldom give the real reason they are choosing to end things because they think the real reason might be hurtful to the other person (and unless they were greatly offended over the course of the date they won't want to be hurtful).

In all likelihood she probably rejects a lot of people and is extremely picky about who she chooses to see more than once. You probably went further with her than most guys do.

Many single women in their 30's and into their 40's are like this. As quite frankly they have more important things going on in their lives than finding a good looking guy to hang out with.  Once their kids get older and they don't need to be as protective of them anymore that is when they will often start putting more emphasis on their dating life again.

Edited April 14, 2024 by Sony12

[Calmandfocused]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

I think she's making excuses, and it seems like she finds it easier to blame the other party than to be honest about her own misgivings

I agree with this 100%. 
 

I don’t think it was anything to do with the fact you kissed on the first date. I don’t even think it was anything to do with the quality of the kisses. If it was she wouldn’t have kissed you 4-5 times. This doesn’t make sense. 
 

If she hadn’t wanted to kiss you she wouldn’t have, and definitely not so many times. 
 

I think she’s multidating. I think she’s found someone who tickles her fancy slightly more than you,  and her only option was to opt out by providing you with a ridiculous excuse. 
 

You said yourself that she’s on multiple dating sites. It therefore wouldn’t surprise me if she’s having loads of great dates with multiple different men. 
 

Leave her be. Don't let this stop you from dating women and don’t let this deter you from kissing other women on the first date. 

[Sony12]

Maybe she's having lots of great dates. But generally the reason people join multiple dating sites isn't because they are having lots of great dates. It's because they haven't been all that happy with the dates they have been on.

Regardless though it doesn't change anything for the OP as the answer still remains the same for him.

[glows]

I also don’t think it had to do with the kiss/kissing. Otherwise the other issue is it may have triggered a negative experience for her where someone disregarded her feelings about intimacy and she hasn’t dealt with that. Deep stuff that is not your issue and unfair of her to dump on you and then wish you a trite wish about “luck in love”. What a rude way to brush someone off. There is nothing wrong with her not feeling it for any reason. Her reasons are valid but there certainly are better ways to respectfully and genuinely connect and disconnect.

I think her wording and that the series of events didn’t make sense upset you because it made you feel like the bad guy or that you did something wrong. What might have been better is owning her own mistake if she truly felt uncomfortable and telling you she doesn’t feel a connection. It’s fair, respectful and a person must respect that. I don’t think a lot of people would have a problem with that. 

Very often people miscommunicate and aren’t self aware. I would pay attention to actions. She wasn’t very communicative afterwards and finally ended things. The main message here is she’s not interested. Just take that nugget of info and move on. Don’t dwell on this. 

[Alpacalia]

I think it's possible that she regrets kissing you because it felt too fast/soon to her....but she doesn't want to take responsibility for her part in the kiss (because she participated and was into it in the moment). So she is somewhat blaming you for the kiss as a way to try to release her own feelings of guilt over participating.

(I do NOT think you did anything wrong either...and, I agree - it seems like she totally played into the kiss as much - or more - than you).

First date kisses are very common in the dating world. It shouldn't be a deal-breaker IMHO. She may very well have had some thoughts in the moments after the date and contact from you afterward that gave her pause, yet, I doubt it was truly JUST about the kiss.

I could be wrong - but it seems odd that if it was, she would spend 3 more days talking with you via messages and texts yet not mention her 'issue' with the kiss. So, it kind of feels like maybe she was 'cool' with it at the time but has decided later that it wasn't 'cool' for whatever reason. She doesn't want to lay blame on herself when she's the one that participated all the way (unless you literally grabbed her and forced yourself on her with no prompting that she wanted to partake in it).

 

Edited April 14, 2024 by Alpacalia

[FredEire]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You don't know that, actually. 

She could easily have other reasons she doesn't want to get together again, but rather than being honest, she picked this as her excuse to make an exit. I know it stings but try not to let it get you down too much. This sort of thing happens all the time in dating. 

This. While reading I also thought the kiss was probably just a point to pick on and didn't have much to do with the real reason she went cold.

Welcome to the world of OLD, my friend. It's very common to have amazing dates that lead to nothing, fizzle out or the other person sees it as a one and done experience and communication is very poor afterwards. For what reason who knows, there could be a million.

The lesson I've learned is never take too much out of the first date, even if it genuinely feels like you've just met the love of your life. If you have gone on a few dates, are communicating regularly and she is enthusiastic to meet up whenever you're both free, maybe then it's time to get a bit excited. Up to that point you have to take a bit of an attitude that well, it's Tinder/Bumble/whatever and it's quite hard for it to lead to anything solid for a variety of reasons.

[BreakOnThrough]

Mike you're a little old for this.

[Esteban]

The kiss may have been an excuse, or it may have been part, most or all of the reason.

If there are other reasons, you'll never know what they are.

You have to accept that, accept that you'll never know for sure her reasons.

And move on.