Hurt and feeling quite stupid really…

[Cora]

It’s been awhile since I’ve been on here.  Took me awhile to sign back in as I’d forgotten my login info. But here I am in a rough spot again and I honestly have no one to blame but myself. (Warning, this is very long so my apologies!)
 

So back in October of 2021 after years of heartbreak, many dating frustrations and disappointments I decided to try the OLD world out again.  I met this guy who I clicked instantly with.  We got into a relationship really quickly (he asked me to be his girlfriend after 3-4 dates).  Looking back it was probably a bit too quickly, but if that wasn’t bad enough he moved in with me only a month later.  We were together for two years. 
 

Things started out great like most honeymoon phases of most relationships do.  We were having a blast together. He introduced me to his friends pretty quickly.  On our first date actually.  We met up for dinner and then he asked me after dinner to come hang out and go bowling with him and his friends if I felt comfortable.  He went bowling with his friends from work every Saturday night.  I reluctantly agreed, but I had a blast! This soon became my ritual every Saturday night and something I looked forward to….going to the bowling alley with him and his friends and then his friends started bringing their girlfriends along and we all got along very well together.  They quickly became my friends too and their girlfriends and I even started hanging out together and doing girl things. 
 

Not long after he was introducing me to his family and I adored his family.  They became like my second family. I’d spend holidays with them and then he would spend some holidays with my family.  His mom used to joke with us and say we were stuck together like glue….wherever he was, I wasn’t far behind and same with him.  Whenever he had to go away for several nights on a company business trip his mom looked at me so worried and said “are you going to be ok being apart from him for this long?  This will be the longest you two have ever had to spend time apart from each other.”  I hadn’t really thought about it, but she was right.  I told her jokingly I’d be fine and it would be a welcomed break, but really I was a bit sad as we really were like two lovesick puppies.  It was quite pathetic actually.  His family told me several times to come over anytime day or night while he was gone if I got lonely or just wanted to be around people.  They were always so nice and so good to me.  I got really close to them.  Especially his mom, his sister and little nieces.
 

I didn’t need to go and see his family though as he was calling me every night before he went to bed.  Actually begged me to drive up and stay with him for a night or two.  However, I wasn’t able to.  He even surprised me by coming home early.  He brought me flowers when I got Covid and refused to stay away from me even though I told him to so he would not get sick.  Thankfully, he didn’t get sick.  Things were just going so well.  I truly was starting to fall in love with him.  But then things changed….

He ended up losing his job and we both agreed that it would be best if we lived separately until he could find another job as I wasn’t able to support both of us on my salary alone.  I tried making it clear to him that it had absolutely nothing to do with him and our relationship, but just about the finances.  I don’t think he saw it that way though.  Before this things started going downhill.  He became short with me.  The communication was breaking down.  He lacked the ability to show any emotion.  He barely wanted to spend time together.  It was as if he became depressed.  I begged him to seek out help, but he refused.  
 

Once he moved out I started hearing from him less and less until he went completely silent on me.  We never saw each other, he did not call me, text me….nothing.  He would not return my calls and texts either and I even begged him at one point to please just tell me if he even still wanted this relationship?  Because if he didn’t I would leave him alone. He would not even answer that.  He soon after blocked my number.  He even removed on his Facebook that he was in a relationship and now had his status as single.  So I figured this was it….we are over and he just chose to ghost me.  
 

I was hurting, but I had no choice but to move on.  Months went by and I started dating someone new.  Someone who treated me a lot better and was such a great communicator.  I was happy again and finally gotten over the ex.  Things were going well and then suddenly he pops back up again as if nothing had happened.  He called me telling me all about his new job and how much he loved me and wanted to be with me….even marry me.  Once he found out I was dating someone new he accused me of cheating.  His whole demeanor changed.  He came over to collect his belongings and he was so irate.  I had never seen him this angry before.  Yelling and cursing at me….calling me a no good cheater and worse, punching things, throwing and breaking things.  I told him to leave before I called the cops.  
 

Then he gets calm, but very sad….he starts to cry and begs me….litterally gets down on his knees and begging me not to leave him.  Telling me he wants to marry me and how he had already bought the ring and everything.  It hurt me to see him so broken, but I tried to explain to him how I thought we were over.  As he just ghosted me.  He claims he was just very depressed and at a very low point. Wasn’t happy with the direction of his life etc.  But again, how was I supposed to know that?  If he could have just said “going though a bad time right now….need some space.”  Then I would have been more understanding.  But I literally had nothing to go on!  
 

At this point I felt so bad because I did still truly love him, but could not go through all the pain and hurt with him again.  I also was supposed to be meeting the new guy I was dating in like an hour for game night at my brothers house with family.  He asked me why I was in such a rush to get him out?  Once he found out he started to get mad again.  He started making threats.  He threatened to harm himself if I left him or harm the new guy I was dating.  Said he would be watching….following us.
 

This scared me as I did not know if he would make true on his threats.  I still went out with the new guy, but I was on edge the whole night.  Even the new guy said he could sense something was off as I wasn’t acting myself.  I felt so bad because he was such an amazing guy!  So different from my ex.  So I told the new guy everything that had happened that night.  I later stupidly broke things off with this new guy and took the ex back out of fear.  The ex had already told his whole family I cheated on him and they were never the same towards me.  Looked at me differently.  Was still civil, but colder.  It didn’t matter if I tried explaining my side….they’d never believe me so I didn’t bother.  It was his word(their own family) against mine.  His family nor mine  knew the half of what went on behind closed doors.  
 

So we got back together and I was miserable the whole time.  We tried to make it work, but really all I could think about was how I hurt the new guy and how I still wanted to be with him.  Regardless, I still tried to make it work with the ex.  We did still have good times and I did still love him,  but things were not the same between us.  He never forgave me for “cheating” on him and brought it up every chance he got.  Also would bring up how I just threw him out of my house after he lost his job when we both knew that is not how things happened.  We both mutually agreed that it would be best for us to live apart due to finances.  
 

We lasted six months together before he broke up with me. I was on a family vacation that he could not come with me on due to him going on a camping trip with his dad and other family/friends that same weekend.  His communication dropped off again while we were both away and he blamed it on the lack of service he had up in the mountains and then later said he dropped his phone in some water.  The day I was on my way back home I get a text from him asking if I was on my way back?  When I told him I was he said good, I will be at your place waiting because we need to talk.  
 

I get there and he has all of his things packed up and he was so cold…he could not even look at me.  He said he’s leaving.  That he had met someone new that makes him happy.  Happier than I ever made him or ever could.  This stung hearing this.  I did still love him despite everything.  I later found out this girl was also on the camping trip and they slept together.  He actually met her before the trip two months prior so who knows how long he had been sleeping with her.  In his mind it was ok since I cheated on him and it was payback.  He later got into a relationship with this girl a week after.  And that was that. 

I was crushed, but also felt some relief. Of course the new guy no longer wanted anything to do with me and rightfully so and he not long after met someone and they are happy together.  I felt so broken and alone.  I’d cry day after day after day.  I was miserable.  All I wanted to do was stay in bed and it was starting to affect my job.  I finally said enough was enough and I enrolled myself into therapy.  The therapy helped.  Especially the group therapy and being around others who could relate and was going through similar circumstances.  I blocked the ex so he could no longer contact me as I knew I’d never be able to get over him if I didn’t.  
 

I had finally started to move on and life was good again.  I wasn’t dating anyone.  Just on a healing journey and doing things to make me happy.  He reached out by email a couple times (I had forgotten I didn’t have his email blocked) He had a couple things at my house he still needed to pick up so we scheduled a time for him to come by to get those things.  I was very short with him.  He wanted to sit and chat and I politely told him I thought it was best for him to get his things and just be on his way. Then he goes in to kiss me and I back away and say “what are you doing?”  He says he has to see if the spark is still there?  I told him it’s best if he leaves and reminds him he is in a relationship and how would his girlfriend feel to find out he was with his ex and trying to kiss her?  
 

He claimed he didn’t care as she was still talking to her ex, but that it was ok for her but not ok for him.  He left and I didn’t hear from him for months.  I blocked his email too.  Months later I get an email from this email I didn’t recognize saying “I still think about you all the time.” I later find out it was him.  A few more months after that I get a knock at my door late at night and it was him.  Begging me to please open the door as he was in a bad spot.  He had been drinking and was crying.  Every fiber of by being told me not to answer the door and let him in, but I stupidly did because I didn’t want him doing anything stupid and hurting himself.  So we sat down and chatted.  He thanked me for letting him in as he knew I didn’t have to.  He told me his life was s***, his girlfriend and him broke up and how he was a 40 year old failure.  Told me how sorry he was for the way he treated me and how I was the only one he could ever Truly be himself around.  How he still loved me and always loved me. 
 

Against my better judgement we started hanging out again.  Not back together or in a relationship.  Just going out together and spending time at the beach etc.  I saw a change in him or so I thought.  He was really putting in effort.  Planning out dates and not telling me where we were going….saying it was a surprise.  I was shocked at how quickly my feelings for him returned.  All the love that I had for him came flooding back.  I wasn’t expecting that because I truly thought I was over him and could just be his friend.  But I felt so much more for him and we were having such fun.  I was laughing harder than I had ever laughed before.  He had me hooked again.

Everything was great until one night he was supposed to come over.  The last text I got from him was “I’ll see you around 9.”  He never showed and I never heard from him again.  I can’t believe I fell for this yet again.  Thinking he had changed.  Thinking he did truly love me like he said he did.  Pretending he was having a good time all for what?  Just to get more revenge???  I am truly hurt that he could still do this after all we went through.  But I’m more mad at myself as I should have known better.  I mean I had gotten over him.  I was doing so much better and then I stupidly let him back in and now I’m hurt all over again.  All of that work and therapy I went through I feel like was all for nothing because I’m right back at square one.  And this right here is why you go no contact and stay no contact because the hurt is far greater when you allow them in to hurt you all over again.  Lesson learned….hopefully this time!  
 

I guess I’m not really looking for advice.  Just needed to vent…share my story, maybe take comfort in those who can possibly relate?  Or to help someone who is thinking about breaking no contact.  

[NuevoYorko]

That all sounds terrible.  I don't really get how things went from perfect to psychotic pretty much overnight, but that does happen sometimes.  Also I won't lecture you about how you do yourself wrong when you take men back because you're afraid of them etc, since you know this.

What is interesting though is that I looked back at your posting history and see that you have a very long history of similar extreme drama.   So ... there must be some part of you that is seeking this.

What do you think?

[Alpacalia]

He sounds like a nightmare -- vindictive, and cruel. The threats he made when he broke up with you, breaking things, the accusations, the burdens of being dumped on you...it was never based on true love, but egoism and one-upmanship.

His words now about being a '40 year old failure' demonstrate how unstable and confused he is. He knows that you are the only one he can possibly fall back on to make himself feel less insufficient.

Which is also very depressing.

These are all huge red flags I take very seriously.  

Go no contact again, block every path back to yourself, block him on social media, email g-mail to filter his emails, never take the phone in your hand if he calls, nothing.

Everything else is wasting your time, which is your only thing of which you just have so much.

Good luck.

[glows]

It’s good you realize your mistakes and hopefully no contact means no contact for good with this person. I don’t think he forgave you for asking him to move out when he lost his job. He remained angry and bitter and him coming back months later to become aggressive and call you a cheater and threaten you was him lashing out because he never forgave you in the first place. I think he came back to show you he got a new job but things got out of hand and he got angry, abusive, threatening, controlling and jealous when he found out about you dating someone else.

You expected him to understand when you asked him to move out but most couples understand when one person moves out, a relationship is usually over. It’s traumatic for someone to deal with the loss of a job and also the loss of a home. He lost his home with you as well, that stability. Things got so bitter and he never came back from that and it’s strange and alarming he had the audacity to gaslight you or blame you or call you a cheater after months of disappearing. It’s all very unfortunate. I do wonder if his mental unstability and aggressive behaviour was what caused him to lose his job in the first place. There’s no excuse for those threats on your safety and trying to control you. 

[MsJayne]

That's horrible, I'm sorry you're going through this. A good vent usually helps a little, but only time heals it. I hope you've blocked him on all platforms, because he sounds like a massive tool. He's forty years old, if he hasn't grown up yet he probably never will and the best thing you can do is let go completely and go forward with the lesson learned. His ego's bigger than his intelligence, an unfortunately common affliction. 

[d0nnivain]

Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me for letting you. 

Close the book on him forever.  It's as simple as that.  If he pops back up, say no thanks & move along.  Going forward make decisions based on facts & logic, not emotion & begging. 

[Foxhall]

Ah nice to see you again @Cora (Cora was quite active when I first appeared here in 2019)

well in the five years since not sure if my journey has been as dramatic as yours- maybe a little similar in that Ive had two loves in that time and making some wrong decisions along the way.

Interesting why you went back to the first guy- "It can be hard to forget what we are used to" maybe was the feeling

Ive found it is easier make the wrong decision than the right one- if that is any consolation to you,

you can console yourself you gave the relationship every chance to work and while painful at least your now at a point of acceptance,

so still good experiences to have and all to play for yet as you look to new horizons.

 

[Gebidozo]

OP,  I’m sorry this has happened to you.

It appears that your ex was very hurt by your suggestion to live separately. Now, I’m not defending him, but if I were living together with my SO and she told me we had to start living separately for financial reasons after I lost my job, I’d be hurt too.

However, instead of explaining to you he was hurt, discussing the issue, and working things out, your ex very immaturely ghosted you, essentially breaking up with you without telling you.

He never got over that initial hurt. I don’t think it was all about revenge for him, he probably really missed you. But his character does appear to be vindictive and petty, and he handled his grievances very poorly. 

You can’t keep giving him chances that he keeps blowing. He needs to grow up, and you need to get over him.

Edited April 14, 2024 by Gebidozo

[NuevoYorko]

I agree that all of this ugliness hinges on his hurt about being kicked out due to his loss of a job.

I don't fault you for this, OP, but it needed to be a clean break-up right then and there.   There is no way that a relationship is going to sustain that - it's quite the opposite, really.  One would try to stand by their partner who was in hard times about a job loss.

Probably, you had a lot of various experiences and information about his awful side by the time you asked him to move out; also his instability is likely to have had a lot to do with his job loss.  

Do you think that's the case?

[Alpacalia]

I agree with him being hurt over getting asked to leave too but he went full on blown nuclear with the threats of hurting others and himself. 

That is alarming behavior and a prelude to the chaos wars that you would deal with if you stayed.

He could have broken up with you when you made it clear that you didn't want to bear the burden of supporting him until he found work, he could have chosen to remain single while he got his finances and stability together. 

Of course his feelings were hurt the way he wanted you to support him but the after-effects were pretty heavy-handed on his part. On top of that, he intimidated you over time with his threats. Yes, should have probably broken up with him altogether when you asked him to move, but I can see why you didn't.

His responses were boiling rage-y (throwing stuff, threatening to cause physical harm, yelling, threatening to harm himself, nagging repentance and not letting you go on). Pounding in your door until you let him in then screwed with your head and tugged on your heartstrings and then disappeared when you thought all was well. 

Seriously, you couldn't have known all this ahead of time. He seemed to totally love you during the initial stages of your relationship and moved in pretty quickly. He was directing you to include yourself in his life and his family's with lots of activities.

Of course his awful side was going to surface when you wanted him out of your house.

Ultimately, things just did not work out because you did not want to support him financially until he could find work again. This guy had a lot of issues and seemed to shame you for not being there for him to piggyback on.

I get him being mad that you basically said no to supporting his unemployed self, and then you get into a new relationship while he still has his stuff at your place. I get his feelings got hurt over this and I sympathize but not his warp-speed reaction overall.

[Cora]

I just wanted to add that I did not kick him out after he lost his job.  Once he lost his job he still lived with me for several months after.  I never once said he had to move out.  I supported him the best I could.  I tried cutting back on expenses and even dipping into my savings which I never wanted to do.  I think I started resenting him actually.  See, I work from home and after losing his job he was home everyday, all day.  And instead of actively searching for another job (which would have made me feel a lot better about our situation) he played video games for hours and hours into the wee hours of the night, he would not contribute to household chores…..left dirty dishes in the sink, clothes all over the floor etc.  Just because he lost his job didn’t mean he had to just not help out around the house.  I mean I get losing a job can cause you to fall into a state of depression.  And do I think he was depressed?  Yes, absolutely!  Now I’m no therapist, but I could tell he was depressed.  I begged him to seek help, but he refused.
 

 I started complaining about finances, complaining about him driving my car everywhere and not replenishing the gas (he was never able to get his car fixed due to finances).  And maybe I should have tried harder to keep my feelings to myself, but the resentment was growing strong and if he would have just tried….just put in a tiny bit of effort into job searching or helping out around the house then maybe I would have saw things differently.  He was the one who said “maybe I just need to move out as I think that would be best until I find another job as it isn’t fair to you.”  I agreed with him.  Now maybe he was hoping I would say “no, it’s fine….we will make this work together until you find something else.  You don’t need to move out.”  Maybe he resents me for that.  But instead he blames me for kicking him out as he puts it when that is not at all how things went down and he knows this.  So it’s no wonder his family got really cold towards me.  He told them all I not only cheated on him, but kicked him out of my house when he was at his lowest point and very depressed.  They probably thought I didn’t love him at all and is truly a horrible person. He even told me later that his sister hated me after everything I did and put him through.  He tells his sister everything.  They are super close.  So yeah, I became the bad guy all the way around.  

Edited April 14, 2024 by Cora

[Ariadne]

hi Cora,

i read your stuff

are you sure that he is ok?

this is kind of odd

is he online?

hope you hear from him soon

 

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Cora said:

He was the one who said “maybe I just need to move out as I think that would be best until I find another job as it isn’t fair to you.”  I agreed with him.  Now maybe he was hoping I would say “no, it’s fine….we will make this work together until you find something else.  You don’t need to move out.”  Maybe he resents me for that.  

He was definitely hoping you’d say that, and certainly resents you for that. He sees it as betrayal and abandonment.

Unfortunately, quite a lot of men, especially younger ones, tend to handle loss of job and other comparable life crises very poorly. He probably began to lose respect for himself, began to doubt whether you still respected him. As it often happens in such cases, he pushed you towards the very thing he was fearing. 

Please don’t blame yourself. His behavior throughout that crisis was very immature. He is basically a little kid who thinks his parents hate him because they didn’t buy him the bicycle he’d wanted or sent him to a school he didn’t want to go to. He has to grow up and become a man.

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, Cora said:

I just wanted to add that I did not kick him out after he lost his job.  Once he lost his job he still lived with me for several months after.  I never once said he had to move out.  I supported him the best I could.  I tried cutting back on expenses and even dipping into my savings which I never wanted to do.  I think I started resenting him actually.  See, I work from home and after losing his job he was home everyday, all day.  And instead of actively searching for another job (which would have made me feel a lot better about our situation) he played video games for hours and hours into the wee hours of the night, he would not contribute to household chores…..left dirty dishes in the sink, clothes all over the floor etc.  Just because he lost his job didn’t mean he had to just not help out around the house.  I mean I get losing a job can cause you to fall into a state of depression.  And do I think he was depressed?  Yes, absolutely!  Now I’m no therapist, but I could tell he was depressed.  I begged him to seek help, but he refused.
 

 I started complaining about finances, complaining about him driving my car everywhere and not replenishing the gas (he was never able to get his car fixed due to finances).  And maybe I should have tried harder to keep my feelings to myself, but the resentment was growing strong and if he would have just tried….just put in a tiny bit of effort into job searching or helping out around the house then maybe I would have saw things differently.

Okay.  Can you recognize how very different this description is from the way you wrote about it in your first post?   -

Quote

 

Things were just going so well.  I truly was starting to fall in love with him.  But then things changed….

He ended up losing his job and we both agreed that it would be best if we lived separately until he could find another job as I wasn’t able to support both of us on my salary alone.  I tried making it clear to him that it had absolutely nothing to do with him and our relationship, but just about the finances. 

 

Evidently it was very much about your relationship, and with him.  

That's okay.  It had come to an end.

Perhaps telling yourself at this point that you only broke up because he'd moved out makes it easier for you to rationalize getting back together with him though clearly he was not in the right place to function well in a relationship?

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Cora said:

I just wanted to add that I did not kick him out after he lost his job.  Once he lost his job he still lived with me for several months after.  I never once said he had to move out.

 

22 hours ago, Cora said:

He ended up losing his job and we both agreed that it would be best if we lived separately until he could find another job as I wasn’t able to support both of us on my salary alone.  I tried making it clear to him that it had absolutely nothing to do with him and our relationship, but just about the finances.  I don’t think he saw it that way though.

Here it sounds like it was you who was pushing for him to go back home after he lost his  job.  Couldn't he find another job and wasn't he getting unemployment?  

[Els]

Hi @Cora, welcome back, and I'm sorry to hear about everything you've been through! {{hugs}} The threats and the violence are very concerning - I'm sure you don't need me to lecture you about your past mistakes in how you responded to them, but I'm still worried about you. Did he send any of the threats through text, and do you have a copy of them? If you have any proof at all, I think it's worth going to the police and showing them. Even if they won't directly grant you a restraining order, it will put him on their radar, which could be life-saving if he tries anything worse. He sounds unstable and I'd make law enforcement your first stop here.

Definitely go no contact and seek support from your friends and family as well. Thinking of you.

Edited April 15, 2024 by Els

[Cora]

On 4/14/2024 at 9:04 PM, stillafool said:

 

Here it sounds like it was you who was pushing for him to go back home after he lost his  job.  Couldn't he find another job and wasn't he getting unemployment?  

After he brought it up about how he thought it was best he moved out and I agreed then I told him that it was strictly about the finances and nothing else because I did want the relationship to work despite us hitting a rough patch.  I wasn’t ready for us to be over even if it was eventually going to come to that.  However, he still saw it as me kicking him out and I can see why he would think that.  I should have insisted we would be ok and we would make it work regardless.  That he didn’t need to move out,  but honestly I wasn’t sure we could because I had no idea where the money would come from as my savings was starting to decrease from having to use it to keep us afloat.  My salary alone was not cutting it for the both of us.  He was not getting unemployment as he quit his job due to the way management was treating him.  

[Cora]

Just wanted to post an update.  He got in contact with me yesterday and apologized for being out of touch.  Apparently his grandmother took a turn for the worst and they don’t expect her to live much longer so him and his family had to travel out of town to go see her unexpectedly that same night we were supposed to meet.  

[Acacia98]

17 minutes ago, Cora said:

Just wanted to post an update.  He got in contact with me yesterday and apologized for being out of touch.  Apparently his grandmother took a turn for the worst and they don’t expect her to live much longer so him and his family had to travel out of town to go see her unexpectedly that same night we were supposed to meet.  

Okay, but check out what you said in your first post:

Quote

Everything was great until one night he was supposed to come over. The last text I got from him was “I’ll see you around 9.”  

How long do you think it took him to write, "I'll see you around 9"?

And how much longer do you think it would have taken for him to write, "I'm so sorry. An emergency's come up and I can't make it. I will call/write later to explain"?

Look, you really need to go no contact. For real this time. Block the guy.

[Ariadne]

well,

glad to see you got back in touch!

and the kicking him out is very understandable, if you kept him in the house with the video games you would both be broke by now.

good thing you kept your job and he got his things together

hope you guys work it out!

wishing you the best

 

 

 

[NuevoYorko]

Are you planning to get back together?

[Cora]

35 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Are you planning to get back together?

No, even if I wanted to he can’t.  We had a long talk about it last night when I met him.  He wanted to talk in person.  He said he still loves me and always will, but as far as being in love with me….well all that died when I kicked him out and then preceded to cheat on him. (His words).  He said he could never trust me again and he can’t be with someone he can’t trust.  Apparently, he will never see things from my perspective either.  Like how I did not kick him out at all and I never cheated.  How can someone cheat when they thought the relationship was over?  He ghosted me for months and even when I begged him to let me know if he still wanted the relationship he could not even give me that decency.  I get he was depressed and at a low point.  (That was the excuse he gave me for not speaking to me for months.  That he was depressed with the way his life was going and how much it hurt when I kicked him out.). I still love him and suppose I always will because we did have some really good times and despite everything, he does have a really good heart and good qualities….plus after being with him for over 2 years I grew to love and care about him a great deal.  But I can’t be with someone when we can’t see eye to eye.  He will always believe I kicked him out and cheated and he can’t forgive me for that.  I understand how he can see it that way, but that is not what I did at all.  All we can do is agree to disagree.  He also has communication problems and a very hard time opening up and showing emotions.  I just don’t think with all of these issues we could ever have a relationship that could work.  As much as I wish we could work together and solve all these issues….get back to the way things were in the beginning.  I don’t think we could ever go back to that place.  Too much has happened.  We have both hurt each other too much.  The damage has been done and can’t be undone.  
 

I honestly don’t know why he got back in touch with me after the breakup to begin with? 🤷‍♀️. It just brought the pain back for me that I’m now going to have to heal all over again.  

Edited April 16, 2024 by Cora

[Gebidozo]

23 minutes ago, Cora said:

He said he still loves me and always will, but as far as being in love with me….well all that died when I kicked him out and then preceded to cheat on him.

Petty vindictiveness masquerading as noble melodrama.

28 minutes ago, Cora said:

I honestly don’t know why he got back in touch with me after the breakup to begin with? 🤷‍♀️

To make you feel guilty.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

No, even if I wanted to he can’t.  We had a long talk about it last night when I met him.  He wanted to talk in person.  He said he still loves me and always will, but as far as being in love with me….well all that died when I kicked him out and then preceded to cheat on him. (His words).  He said he could never trust me again and he can’t be with someone he can’t trust.  Apparently, he will never see things from my perspective either.  Like how I did not kick him out at all and I never cheated.  How can someone cheat when they thought the relationship was over?  He ghosted me for months and even when I begged him to let me know if he still wanted the relationship he could not even give me that decency.  I get he was depressed and at a low point.  (That was the excuse he gave me for not speaking to me for months.  That he was depressed with the way his life was going and how much it hurt when I kicked him out.). I still love him and suppose I always will because we did have some really good times and despite everything, he does have a really good heart and good qualities….plus after being with him for over 2 years I grew to love and care about him a great deal.  But I can’t be with someone when we can’t see eye to eye.  He will always believe I kicked him out and cheated and he can’t forgive me for that.  I understand how he can see it that way, but that is not what I did at all.  All we can do is agree to disagree.  He also has communication problems and a very hard time opening up and showing emotions.  I just don’t think with all of these issues we could ever have a relationship that could work.  As much as I wish we could work together and solve all these issues….get back to the way things were in the beginning.  I don’t think we could ever go back to that place.  Too much has happened.  We have both hurt each other too much.  The damage has been done and can’t be undone.  
 

I honestly don’t know why he got back in touch with me after the breakup to begin with? 🤷‍♀️. It just brought the pain back for me that I’m now going to have to heal all over again.  

Cora, you keep saying this but then letting him back in. What is the truth there?

Does a part of you feel guilty for “cheating” (if you can call it that when you thought the relationship was over) and so feels like you need to pay penance by letting him back in a little, then hurting again? For not being in a position to financially support him?

Do you feel like you’re not “allowed” to move on until you make it right and give him another chance?

Do you feel like staying friends keeps a door open when he’s in a relationship? With guilt and nostalgia and lingering feelings for him, your actions don’t make sense.

Can you see that? You can’t take charge of your life with those unresolved feelings.

Edited April 16, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Els]

@Cora, please block him and don't let him gaslight and lead you on any further. Talking to him is just bringing you more grief - there's nothing good that can come out of this. Remember: this person literally coerced you into getting back with him by threatening you and your loved ones with violence. There's a name for people like that: abusers. And they don't change.