She says she still loves me. do I have a chance of getting back my ex of 7 years?

[Wartortle]

We broke up and it’s all my fault. Ive been a mess since. I’ve not been able to eat, sleep Or work.

On the surface it was because of an argument with her brother (he is a nasty guy to everyone) It was heated but it wasn’t the reason. It just made her think about issues we had in the relationship.

Main cause 

The main issue was the lack of sex and affection. This is all my fault. I got too comfortable. Took her for granted. We both got stuck in a routine. Some of it wasn’t my fault. For around a year she had a lung problem. This affected us both mentally. I become more anxious about life. I preferred to stay indoors and spend time only with her and family because I feel life is short. I visited her in hospital every day. She also developed anxiety too from being is hospital. She thought her life will be short. I took is both a while to recover from this. So naturally sex and dating were put to the back of our mind.

we did have our reasons but the main issue is I stopped the affection. Taking her on dates. I took her for granted 

Break up
She did mention it a few times but I did try but then I quickly fell back into old habits. Not making the effort. She thought I didn’t love her. Which I get. But I love her so much. I was just an idiot for not listening to her needs. 

I said I will change. I realise the mistake I made and explained about the anxiety. She kept saying her heart wants to give it another try but her head says not to. She also said why couldn’t you be like this months ago.

On the day of the break up. I asked her to stay. She cried and sat on the porch as she was leaving for a long time. Almost like she was thinking should she give it another try. She came back to the house and stood near me. She was thinking. Then she left the house then came back again. I told her I can make things work. She hugged me many times, cried and kissed me on the forehead and left. She opens the door then came back again. It seems liked she didn’t want to leave. 

she said she loves me, it’s breaking her heart. And she told me you were the first guy to show me true love. She hopes we stay in touch. But her head doesn’t want to try again. All week she was in a battle between head and heart 
Solution 

Do you think I can win her back and how? I feel she loves me but is scared that I go back to old habits. I hurt her as she thought I didn’t love her.

i am going to work on my self. My mind seems to have gotten lazy so I’m going to join a gym, go to counselling for my anxiety.

reading online- the advice just seems go no contact then try again and make things work after a period of you both missing each other.

[Gebidozo]

The online advice about no contact is correct.

She has made the decision to break up. As painful as it is, you have to respect it. 

It doesn’t matter that she says she still loves you. A couple of years ago, my now-ex-GF broke up with me after being together for seven years. She also cried and also said she still loved me. But you have to understand, this “I still love you” is not the same kind of love that would make her want to be in a relationship with you, otherwise she would still be in that relationship. This “I still love you” might just mean “I care for you as a person”.

You’re, understandably, grasping at that straw. Trying to keep hope alive to keep going. I did the same thing. But all that did was prolong the agony of the breakup.

Now, that said, of course it’s possible that she’ll come back. Things like that have happen, though not often. But it’s not so much a matter of winning her back as it is a matter of accepting the breakup, having no contact with her, focusing on healing, on other aspects of your life, and not expecting anything from her. 

[d0nnivain]

How old are you?  If you have been dating for 7 years as adults, the fact that aren't married strikes me as a negative.  

I'm sorry about her health issues but having health issues should have caused you both to embrace life, to celebrate every minute you had together & make love as often as possible.  My college roommate has a fatal diagnosis.  She's fighting like hell to stay alive & so far has beaten the odds, in that she's still alive 1 year after the doctors said she should be dead.  Her & her husband don't miss a moment.  They have gone on amazing trips.  They say I love you often.  You had the opposite response to your GF's health challenges & candidly that was a huge wake up call for her but she didn't like what she realized.  In her time of greatest need you shirked away. I'm not sure you can come back from that. 

Edited April 14 by d0nnivain

[Wartortle]

31 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

The online advice about no contact is correct.

She has made the decision to break up. As painful as it is, you have to respect it. 

It doesn’t matter that she says she still loves you. A couple of years ago, my now-ex-GF broke up with me after being together for seven years. She also cried and also said she still loved me. But you have to understand, this “I still love you” is not the same kind of love that would make her want to be in a relationship with you, otherwise she would still be in that relationship. This “I still love you” might just mean “I care for you as a person”.

You’re, understandably, grasping at that straw. Trying to keep hope alive to keep going. I did the same thing. But all that did was prolong the agony of the breakup.

Now, that said, of course it’s possible that she’ll come back. Things like that have happen, though not often. But it’s not so much a matter of winning her back as it is a matter of accepting the breakup, having no contact with her, focusing on healing, on other aspects of your life, and not expecting anything from her. 

Thanks for the reply. I know I have to respect it. But I feel she did want to try to make it work. But didn’t want to get hurt.

i understand what you mean by love. She loves me but she doesn’t at the same time. She cares for me but doesn’t want a romantic relationship with me.

i am going to spend the time healing and working on myself.

i really want just a chance to try and get that romance back. Be the best version of myself 

[Wartortle]

32 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

How old are you?  If you have been dating for 7 years as adults, the fact that aren't married strikes me as a negative.  

I'm sorry about her health issues but having health issues should have caused you both to embrace life, to celebrate every minute you had together & make love as often as possible.  My college roommate has a fatal diagnosis.  She's fighting like hell to stay alive & so far has beaten the odds, in that she's still alive 1 year after the doctors said she should be dead.  Her & her husband don't miss a moment.  They have gone on amazing trips.  They say I love you often.  You had the opposite response to your GF's health challenges & candidly that was a huge wake up call for her but she didn't like what she realized.  In her time of greatest need you shirked away. I'm not sure you can come back from that. 

I am 27. We both met at age 20 while studying. We did discuss marriage but she wanted to wait until we put our anxiety trouble behind us. We were both getting help. 
 

I am sorry to hear of your friends health trouble. I did support her. I went to hospital to see her twice a day. Covered her bills as she couldn’t work. After she was cured she had trauma and anxiety. We both did. And we both haven’t fully recovered and some times it comes back. But we supported each other no matter what. 
 

i feel she wants to give it another try. But she said she scared of it not working 

Edited April 14 by Wartortle
Extra

[basil67]

9 hours ago, Wartortle said:

But I feel she did want to try to make it work. But didn’t want to get hurt.

I said much the same thing when I left my ex-husband.  The bit about not wanting to get hurt, was not fear - it was a firm decision on my part.  "I do not want to be hurt, therefore I will not be giving you any more chances"   To be brutally honest, the fact that he finally decided to care when I'd made the decision to walk away from the marriage made me lose even more respect for him.   There is such a thing as too late.

I'm sorry

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

I said much the same thing when I left my ex-husband.  The bit about not wanting to get hurt, was not fear - it was a firm decision on my part.  "I do not want to be hurt, therefore I will not be giving you any more chances"   To be brutally honest, the fact that he finally decided to care when I'd made the decision to walk away from the marriage made me lose even more respect for him.   There is such a thing as too late.

I'm sorry

My ex told me pretty much exactly that. When she told me she wanted to break up, I swore to her that I cared and that I’ll do everything to make it work. She looked angry and said, “Now you’re saying that?”

At the time, I didn’t understand why she’d be so cruel, after all I promised to change and deserved another chance, right? Wrong. The brutal truth is that the relationship could not be salvaged at that point, I was just stubbornly ignoring the glowing red lights and the gargantuan elephants in the room on both sides. 

What I perceived as change and determination on my part was just my gut instinct working overtime to make me think and say just the right things in order to keep her. I thought I was being truly remorseful, but in reality I was just feeling hurt and abandoned and lonely and didn’t want to go through yet another painful breakup.

And of course she felt that. Because, overall, women are pretty good at being bullshit detectors.