Short Romance on Hold: Respecting Boundaries but Hoping for More

[luizedu91]

We (32M, 30F) met 5 years ago and had crushes on each other, but nothing happened back then, we were only good friends. I introduced her to climbing and through this hobby she met a friend of mine and they started dating. I lost contact with both of them and they moved together to another town.

In January they broke up after 4 years, and soon after she texted me. Things quickly got sexual and romantic, as we found out we had the most intense chemistry we’d ever experienced. She lives 5h away, so we only spent 3 weekends together over the course of 2 months, and in that time, it was clear to us that in many ways we are perfect for each other, if not for one big issue: she is emotionally unavailable, her breakup is just too recent and intense.

This week she said she realized she urgently needs to develop “emotional independence”, and being attached to me and using me as an “emotional crutch” only delays her healing. She wanted us to be friends, but I refused, as it wouldn’t be healthy for me and would likely hinder us from getting romantic again afterwards. She hopes we at least remain in each other’s lives in the future, “we have only to let time run its course”.

TL;DR: After rekindling with an old friend after her recent breakup, things turned romantic but now she needs space to heal emotionally.

I mean to respect the time and space she needs to heal; however, I do worry that we’ll fizzle out or that she’ll meet someone in the meantime (historically, she’s always dating). Considering my aim of increasing the odds of us getting back together, even if it means we have to go very slowly, I ask for your opinion on the following:

• How should I act? Should I keep in absolute no-contact?
• If yes, how long should I wait?
• If not, how should I get in touch?
• I like “big acts”, is there something that would be nice, such as sending a gift, a letter, or maybe driving there to talk in person to get closure?

 

[BreakOnThrough]

You were just a rebound, don't expect anything more right now, let her come back to you, and if you want something more serious, push for it at that point BUT, don't reach out or contact her at anymore.

[Alpacalia]

I think your best bet is to back away. This girl just got out of a 4-year relationship and was using you as a rebound to deal with her feelings. She has no idea what genuine emotions she is feeling at this time– You want to "do something nice," this is what you do: MOVE ON.

Don't worry about 2 years from now or 5 years from now with her. If she finds someone else, then that's the way the cookie crumbles. What you are proposing is the opposite of getting closure for her. You have to do what is right for you; and right now, that is to spend time focusing on yourself and enjoying where life takes you. The saga with this woman is 100 percent stopped.

[Gebidozo]

It’s a tough case.

On one hand, I don’t think that any romantic entanglement shortly following a breakup can be classified as a “rebound”. Some of them are rebounds, some of them aren’t. It’s impossible to say what your case is before more time passes and her feeling either disappears rapidly or reveals itself as genuine.

It’s also understandable that she is scared of this new emotional attachment that came so soon after her breakup. It’s normal that she is confused and overwhelmed. Her “let’s just be friends” might not necessarily mean that she has no romantic feelings for you.

That said, it also might mean just that. It is entirely possible that it is a rebound relationship for her, that she was using you to console herself, and that her feelings are beginning to fade now.

One alarming issue here is that you’re afraid of giving her space because, as you say, she’s always been with someone and she might quickly find someone else. However, if that happens, that would only mean that she never had real feelings for you to begin with. Then what exactly would you be losing?

She isn’t a rare trinket that has to be quickly snatched before someone else buys it. If she loves you, space and time apart won’t make her rush to find someone else. If she doesn’t, nothing you do matters anyway.

[luizedu91]

16 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

It’s a tough case.

On one hand, I don’t think that any romantic entanglement shortly following a breakup can be classified as a “rebound”. Some of them are rebounds, some of them aren’t. It’s impossible to say what your case is before more time passes and her feeling either disappears rapidly or reveals itself as genuine.

It’s also understandable that she is scared of this new emotional attachment that came so soon after her breakup. It’s normal that she is confused and overwhelmed. Her “let’s just be friends” might not necessarily mean that she has no romantic feelings for you.

That said, it also might mean just that. It is entirely possible that it is a rebound relationship for her, that she was using you to console herself, and that her feelings are beginning to fade now.

One alarming issue here is that you’re afraid of giving her space because, as you say, she’s always been with someone and she might quickly find someone else. However, if that happens, that would only mean that she never had real feelings for you to begin with. Then what exactly would you be losing?

She isn’t a rare trinket that has to be quickly snatched before someone else buys it. If she loves you, space and time apart won’t make her rush to find someone else. If she doesn’t, nothing you do matters anyway.

Great points, thank you, I feel calmer about giving her space.

 

I indeed don't feel like I'm a rebound. Chronologically, maybe, but emotionally no. While I did console her, I'm very confident that happened as a "collateral", that she genuinely enjoys my company. In fact, I'm confident she had little doubts about myself, what she did have doubts about was whether she was ready for a new relationship. Our communication is very good, I never felt like she was using me, on the contrary, she was afraid of doing that and being unfair to me.

 

However, about being friends, I'm now feeling like I may have been unfair to deny her that. The rationale a friend gave me is that I'm emotionally stable right now, while she is in a maelstrom, so I should be there for her, and shouldn't have done as I did, denying her my presence she was already attached to and hence create even more layers of pain and loss. What's your take on this?

Edited April 16 by luizedu91

[ShyViolet]

She told you she needs space.  There is nothing left to do but give her space.  This is not a time to strategize how to get her back.  If she wanted to be with you, she would be.  

6 hours ago, luizedu91 said:

however, I do worry that we’ll fizzle out or that she’ll meet someone in the meantime (historically, she’s always dating).

This totally might happen.  There's a high probability that it will; and you have no control over that.  She will come back to you if that's what she wants.  And if she doesn't, you need to accept that.

[d0nnivain]

I agree you were a rebound.  At best you were the old faithful friend that she knew could be counted on to boost her self esteem.  If she ever had genuine feelings for you, she never would have gone after your friend 5 years ago & she would not be letting you go now.  She's nowhere near as invested as you are.  This was a fling for her, nothing more.  Sorry.  

[flitzanu]

^^ what d0nnivan said.  

this girl ran off with your "friend" 5 years ago and you never heard from her again until they broke up, and then she came to you for a couple weekends and now she "isn't emotionally stable" and doesn't want to date you -- which means she wants to keep her options open or, there's also the possibility she's rekindling with the ex.

as others said, your move is to do nothing.  she is choosing not to be with you and giving you the "its not you, its me" excuse.