Am I wasting my time?

[angeli]

Hi so I f(18) have been seeing a m(20) for about five months now and we have been to eachothers houses so many times met eachothers families so many times go on dates and act like a couple.  Although we may act like a couple we are not, as we are not official yet and simply exclusively "seeing eachother".  Previously I really did want to go out with him and although he hasn't done much wrong which makes me feel worse I've just been feeling so tired of it lately.  I've caught him texting his ex on two occasions and i feel like that has also contributed to it but more so I'm confused to why he wants to act like we're in a relationship but not officially be in one.  I've been acting 'off' for the last week hoping that he would ask why but he hasn't and i've been barely speaking to him and he is just acting like normal.  Also he's barely physical with me anymore unless he initiates it, any time i initiate anything he doesn't want to and even one time i stayed at his house and he didn't kiss me once.  Physical affection is something that's important to me and he seemed more keen at the beginning compared to now.  I just feel like the spark for me has disappeared and i feel so guilty for being mad at him because he hasn't done nothing but i just don't know why he won't ask me out also the fact his family is amazing doesn't help either.  I'm really sorry that this is so confusing and poorly written but i'm not even sure where my head is at

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, angeli said:

i feel so guilty for being mad at him because he hasn't done nothing

Ah, but to play with words, the fact that he's done nothing is exactly why you're falling out of love.   He's too lazy to commit or even make an effort

You're young, and with your whole life ahead and much learning and experiences to be had - and you're ready for the next lesson in life: How to cut a man loose if it's not working for you.   It's a lesson which will save you from time wasters and leave you available for when a good man comes along.   Best of all the fact that he hasn't committed to you means he doesn't have a leg to stand on if he objects

You can do this!

[stillafool]

23 minutes ago, angeli said:

Also he's barely physical with me anymore unless he initiates it, any time i initiate anything he doesn't want to and even one time i stayed at his house and he didn't kiss me once.  Physical affection is something that's important to me and he seemed more keen at the beginning compared to now. 

Sounds like he's not over is ex yet and is with you for companionship but is still talking to her.  Probably trying to get her back and that is why he's distant with you. Don't wait for him to ask you what's wrong.  Be blunt and direct about how you feel so he won't be confused about how this is making you feel.

[angeli]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Sounds like he's not over is ex yet and is with you for companionship but is still talking to her.  Probably trying to get her back and that is why he's distant with you. Don't wait for him to ask you what's wrong.  Be blunt and direct about how you feel so he won't be confused about how this is making you feel.

See the thing is he moved up here about a year ago and around then is when he and his ex split after a four year relationship. since he's been up here he's never not been seeing someone and he just somehow 'never asks them out.'

[stillafool]

4 years is a long relationship.  I imagine he doesn't care enough about other women to actually take them out and date them.  Sounds like he just hooks up and has sex with other women but isn't serious about them, yet stays in contact with his ex.  Sounds like he wants her back.

[Alpacalia]

He's 20, some people are late bloomers or not eager to jump into a relationship after just getting out of a 4 year relationship.

If he was with his ex he was 16-20, and now he's in a new place, with all these new things, and so possibly viewing things differently + realizing he has all this freedom which means seeing many new people.

He barely acknowledges that you text him.

You try to see him and he's busy. This guy is not looking for anything serious and is keeping the ex as an option.

Word to the wise, someone can spend time with you and have gone on lots of dates with you even when they only see you as a friend, or they just need someone to pass time with. If 3 months down the line there's no progression to be in a relationship, consider him indefinitely single in his head.

Edited April 16, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Gebidozo]

I’m a bit confused -  you’ve been romantically involved, physically intimate, and exclusive, right? If that doesn’t make you an “official” couple, what does? What exactly is “unofficial” in this relationship? Is he hiding it from his family and friends?

Texting exes is completely normal, that’s not something people can be “caught” doing, unless they are texting something romantic, or have some other intention beyond just texting. Do you have the feeling your BF is not over his ex yet?

After only five months, you are having issues in your physically relationship. Being physical is important to you, yet he doesn’t even kiss you as much as you would like him too. From my experience, sexual incompatibility is a very big issue. 

You shouldn’t feel guilty because he “did nothing”. You have legitimate grievances. You should openly talk to him about them. 

[ShyViolet]

So after 5 months of dating, he won't make the relationship official, and he's even starting to withhold affection from you.  It's time to cut this guy loose.  The way he's been treating you shows that he doesn't value you and isn't that interested in you anymore.  He doesn't have to have "done" anything really bad in order for it be time to end this relationship.  He's just not treating you like he really wants to be with you.  Have higher standards for yourself than this.  You're not with the right person.  Don't waste any more time.

[d0nnivain]

Whatever this casual hang out situation-ship you have going on with him, that is all it will ever be.  So while you haven't wasted your time to date because you explored a bit to determine if more was possible, having confirmed it's not possible & this will not turn into the relationship you want because he's just not that guy right now, sticking around waiting for your feelings to develop or for him to formalize things would be a waste of time.  You had some fun.  You learned some things about him & yourself.  Now it's time to move forward.  

[BaileyB]

16 hours ago, angeli said:

I've caught him texting his ex on two occasions

This would be a problem for me. This, and the fact that he is reluctant to move forward with you tells me that he is probably hedging his bets - not fully invested in a relationship with you.

If it was me, I would tell him that there is a decision to be made - he can either stop texting his ex and make this relationship official or it’s done. But, considering the fact that you are already feeling that this relationship is not meeting your needs, I’d be more inclined to end it. 

This time in a new relationship should be fun and exciting. His interest in you/the relationship should be growing, not declining. If that’s not happening, this is not the guy for you.

 

[smackie9]

18 hours ago, angeli said:

Hi so I f(18) have been seeing a m(20) for about five months now and we have been to eachothers houses so many times met eachothers families so many times go on dates and act like a couple.  Although we may act like a couple we are not, as we are not official yet and simply exclusively "seeing eachother".  Previously I really did want to go out with him and although he hasn't done much wrong which makes me feel worse I've just been feeling so tired of it lately.  I've caught him texting his ex on two occasions and i feel like that has also contributed to it but more so I'm confused to why he wants to act like we're in a relationship but not officially be in one.  I've been acting 'off' for the last week hoping that he would ask why but he hasn't and i've been barely speaking to him and he is just acting like normal.  Also he's barely physical with me anymore unless he initiates it, any time i initiate anything he doesn't want to and even one time i stayed at his house and he didn't kiss me once.  Physical affection is something that's important to me and he seemed more keen at the beginning compared to now.  I just feel like the spark for me has disappeared and i feel so guilty for being mad at him because he hasn't done nothing but i just don't know why he won't ask me out also the fact his family is amazing doesn't help either.  I'm really sorry that this is so confusing and poorly written but i'm not even sure where my head is at

This is when you end the relationship. You date those who treat you the way you expect to be treated , and they fulfill your expectations. He's done none of that. That's why we end relationships like this...it's not one you want to be in. There is no point in trying to "fix" this. You don't like it, you move on. And BTW you don't pull away hoping they will notice something isn't right...that's playing immature games. If you are unhappy you come out and say it. If nothing happens to resolve it after your discussion, you walk away. 

Edited April 16, 2024 by smackie9