Crushing hard on married woman!

[bellfausti]

Hello! Been in a relationship for over ten years, pretty happy I guess, physical side definitely calmed down but I don’t have a massive sex drive so happily coasting along I guess. Certainly wouldn’t say I was unhappy.

I have been going for lunches and beers for a few months with a female coworker (who is married, about 8 years maybe) and I have started crushing hard! Feel a strong connection and we have a lot in common. It’s been a while since I’ve been in any kind of dating scenario so very much out of practice at looking for signs etc. so not sure she’s into me in any way other than friendship.

Positive signs - she instigates a lot of the times we hang out, she’s mentioned that she can’t see herself being with her other half forever, and we have had some fairly deep conversations about various things. Also she recently kissed me on the lips (nothing full on, but affectionate) at the end of one of our hangouts. Not sure if that’s just friendly or more than that.

On a minus, she never really pays me any compliments (I give her quite a lot) and is quite slow when it comes to replying to messages (in my experience women who are into you jump on any communication with excitement!).

So really can’t tell if she’s into me or not! Not sure if I should tell her I have this crush (in person or message) or just go and full on make a move!

In addition to all of this ‘does she even like me that way’ stuff, I’m not even sure I want to be starting any kind of affair or being in a position where I might have to decide to leave my partner. The thought of destroying a loving and loyal woman kills me. But I also can’t ignore this connection I feel. It’s stressing me out a bit to be honest.

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, bellfausti said:

 I’m not even sure I want to be starting any kind of affair or being in a position where I might have to decide to leave my partner. The thought of destroying a loving and loyal woman kills me. But I also can’t ignore this connection I feel. It’s stressing me out a bit to be honest.

You can ignore the connection you feel, and you do so by stepping back and stop seeing her in private meetings.  

[d0nnivain]

Stop with the lunches & the beers.  You really don't want to be a homewrecker / the person a married person cheats with.  

Instead pour a lot more attention & effort into your relationship.  

[Lotsgoingon]

You're on the wrong track. It is normal to have a momentary crush on a coworker you connect with. Nothing wrong with a momentary crush---please don't take it as some sign that this is your soulmate. 

Now you have a great observation that you don't get compliments from the person. 

Stay focused. You want someone who is available. This woman is not available. Crushes come and go. And for some people, it's easier to crush on an unavailable person than to go inside and figure out what you're missing from your current relationship and what you're missing in your own life. 

Confession: I notice I can experience a crush on an unavailable person when I'm numbing and when I've disconnected from myself or my main relationship. I wonder if you're doing the same. 

[bellfausti]

Thank you for your answers, giving me some stuff to think about. 
 

I do value her friendship too, and I worry that stopping the beers and lunches as has been suggested might make her wonder what she’s done wrong. Maybe to her it’s all just platonic (but why kiss me on the lips, is that not odd between a man and a woman?). 
 

But yeah, maybe looking at what I’m missing is important too. 

[Weezy1973]

I’d just recommend full honesty and transparency with your girlfriend / common law wife. Let her know you’ve been having these outings with your coworker and have developed feelings for her. Is the potential affair with the coworker worth ending your current relationship? Is that ultimately what you want?

[d0nnivain]

20 hours ago, bellfausti said:

I do value her friendship too, and I worry that stopping the beers and lunches as has been suggested might make her wonder what she’s done wrong. Maybe to her it’s all just platonic (but why kiss me on the lips, is that not odd between a man and a woman?). 

Tell her you are dialing things back to focus more on your relationship.  

[bellfausti]

Well it seems this situation has resolved itself. I decided to blurt out how I felt (over text) to the crush, and she did not reply and has blocked me on the socials and doesn’t want to speak to me again. Looks like there were no signs after all. I feel like an idiot and now I’ve lost a friend too. Probably for the best though right! 

[d0nnivain]

You never should have attempted a conversation like that over text.  She was smart enough to preserve her marriage.  Let her go

[Gaeta]

Goodness I feel bad for your wife!

Your priority was to test the coworker instead of turning toward your relationship and fix what was missing. 

You know that feeling of only coasting along in your marriage? That would also have happenned with this coworker down the road because love and marriage is a decision we make every day, and you stopped picking your partner and relationship a long time ago. 

Your wife/long term partner deserves better. If you are unhappy then leave. 

Edited April 21, 2024 by Gaeta

[ExpatInItaly]

On 4/19/2024 at 12:28 AM, bellfausti said:

is quite slow when it comes to replying to messages (in my experience women who are into you jump on any communication with excitement!).

You were mistaking this for a normal dating situation when it was not. She is married, so of course she was not going to reply to you instantly. She was probably busy with her husband or trying to deliberately keep you at arm's length. 

19 hours ago, bellfausti said:

I decided to blurt out how I felt (over text) to the crush, and she did not reply and has blocked me on the socials and doesn’t want to speak to me again.

Well, now you know. She absolutely is not interested in taking things further with you. 

On 4/19/2024 at 12:28 AM, bellfausti said:

Been in a relationship for over ten years

Dude, what are you doing? Let your partner go. You are not into her anymore if you are entertaining other women like this and hoping to start something with them. Your partner doesn't deserve this. 

 

[BaileyB]

On 4/18/2024 at 5:28 PM, bellfausti said:

But I also can’t ignore this connection I feel.

People develop crushes all the time that they never pursue because they respect their partner too much to betray and hurt them. 

 

 

[bellfausti]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

People develop crushes all the time that they never pursue because they respect their partner too much to betray and hurt them. 

 

 

I get that. Thing is, I don’t want to break up with my partner, I suppose I need to focus on what is missing. Maybe it was the thrill of the chase, thinking I “still got it” or maybe just been such a long time that I had been in a “new exciting person dating situation” it was like reliving my youth. 
 

One thing that nobody has commented on - is it usual for a married woman to kiss a guy friend on the lips?? I thought not, and maybe this interpreted “sign” got me carried away in my head.