I think my partner is going to propose this weekend! I'm unsure!

[Mr W M]

Hard one to type…
I ended a relationship last year which was difficult DV situation of more emotional abuse. and am in process of divorce. 
Two months after leaving and ended the marriage I met another person and completely fell in love. Completely unexpected and blew my mind. It was my first same sex relationship and we met in a casual setting. They had also finished a relationship full of abuse. 
we bonded over having similar faith and great conversations. It felt like a permanent vocation with him. 
being completely honest, we had a lot in common and were very honest about our sexual interests. I was aware that the man I met did massages for gay men and also made videos online for people to watch. He stated they were just a massage and That didn’t bother me at the time. I felt he was quite transparent. He had also left a partner who cheated on him, took money and also physically hurt him. There are loads of details but moving on, we bonded a lot through our past difficult times. 
I knew the new relationship would be at times an insecure one. As I have no experience or knowledge of what it’s like to be in a same sex relationship, I listened to his experience as he had been with guys many of times. Unfortunately he said that all gay relationships are very unloyal and end up with one of them cheating. He said all is partners have cheated on him. and also that he doesn’t want to be around other gay men in this new relationship because of this. 
We’d speak a lot about our sexual experiences and it felt transparent, due to his past relationships it was paramount to be transparent as his partner cheated and every partner he’s had has cheated on him. He felt uncomfortable that I worked away but kept open communication. His massaging apparently stopped the moment we met as he felt complete. Everything was great but then during sex, he said a name of someone he had a threesome with to make me jealous. That freaked me out a bit but we got through it. He also said that the threesome wasn’t something he wanted and his partner manipulated him into it. Through various conversations a lot of detail was being said and somethings weren’t matching up. 
I put it to the back of my brain and just wanted to be there with him and it all felt stress free. 
short while later after a few months, I quit my job moved away with him and started a whole new life. It went a bit wrong with the job so we moved in with family. Then through some more things he said about his past sex life, things weren’t all that clear. He said that his massages weren’t sexual. Found out they were sexual ie (sorry for being descriptive) handjobs and who knows what else. so I challenged him on it and he got defensive. Promised me they weren’t and actually that kind of thing is disgusting and horrifying that people go for sexual massages. He’s very insecure with me being around other guys and me around women although I feel he tries to cope the best he can. This topic of massages come up a lot for me and I kept talking to him about it but I knew he was lying. I found loads of evidence online (online trace of his onlyfans account and other platforms of descriptions of the account). Even when I brought that to him, he denied. He promised on his mums, grandads, best friends and my life that they weren’t sexual. After I’d say two months, he gave in and owned up. But he said he was always fully dressed and only did a handjob. I was worried that our sex toys were used during those times (felt a bit violating) but he denies they were used. He also said that during his past relationships he never received or gave a massage. Found that out to be false aswell. I gave him an a choice, either be honest or it’s over. He was severely distressed about it and genuinely sad. We agreed to have a clear and transparent relationship from then and we’d be honest. At this point, the stress of this had really got to me and I said I felt the trust had been broken and that I felt my mind get troubled. We worked on it. Later found that he was still getting messages about massages he’s received. Stated again he never had sexual eventually he agreed and said he’s done things he wished he never. I just wanted the truth as it interfered with our sexual activities and because we’d had an honest relationship up until this point. I used to get friend suggestions come up on my social media of loads of LGBT bi, “hung”, “top, bottom” etc type lads come up, I showed him to be honest and he said it’s his ex who had those contacts and as I was on his WiFi, it’s probably through that. Again a lie because found they were all on his Snapchat. 
I had to be honest and just say it’s sad that he struggled to be honest with himself about it and therefor couldn’t be honest with me. I was understanding of this and truly feel he was genuinely distressed. 
we again had moved areas/jobs…he said we would be honest if anyone messaged either of us from our past. He deleted his TikTok because he was embarrassed his massage videos were on there. I told him not to delete but he was adament. I felt like he was trying to hide it. Several message he received and didn’t tell me. Found them on his phone and he got defensive. 
long story shortening, it happens again and again. I found him looking guys up and down when out which saddened me but I gently told him how I felt. also other bits. He gets up randomly to Google things on his phone but will do it on the loo, he’s always deleting messages and Google history. I said to him that if he wants to add other blokes into our relationship then let’s talk or if he wants to watch porn, talk about it and we can discover together. I don’t care what he looks at or what interests he might have but just talk to me about it and we can see how it is whether there’s something lacking or a secret fetish or whatever. I’ve not once blew up about it but only felt stressed. He wants to marry me and I thinks he’s going to propose soon. Things got a bit better and trust building. But it’s happened again, another person found added to his blocked list. He didn’t tell me. Also found another one his social media accounts come up on my suggestions. 
bones of it is, he can’t be honest and will protect himself. I don’t trust him to be honest. He doesn’t want me around women or other men because he’s scared I will cheat on him. I’m fearful because I just need an honest relationship. Everything else is amazing. But I’m worried that getting engaged isn’t the right thing and I don’t know what to do. I can really imagine spending all my days with him for the rest of my life. But I have always got a lack of trust. He wants to know what I’m doing on my phone all the time and do I think he would go out and cheat ..no. Do I think he will Google something unloyal or have a sexual online encounter…maybe. 
 

I don’t meet up with friends as he gets anxiety and withdraws. (Innocently, he’s not quite aware of what goes on) he’s very sweet about it. We live in the country side and I’m isolated and don’t have anyone to be honest with. 
 

anyone just have any insight/experience/reassurance or anything other than just…don’t do it or this is toxic or wtf you doing man. Thanks for taking the time. It’s a lot, sorry just don’t know how to word or explain

[glows]

What do you mean Google something unloyal? And what’s wrong with him adding people to a block list especially if he’s working hard to get rid of his past life? Can you explain this? 

It sounds like he was dishonest and he lied but it also sounds like you’re being unreasonable. I understand how it is when you’re hurt or when the trust is damaged so badly. Everything seems suspicious and like a betrayal. If that’s the case do NOT marry him. You both have a lot of work to do before it ever gets to that stage.

[Mr W M]

So something in our relationship that would be considered unloyal would be videos of other guys, googling massage services and basically anything to do with naked men. Just something we agreed on as it’s something his ex’s have done and also things he’s done in his past relationships. 
and the block list thing is more do to with honesty and transparency. He wants to know who is messaging me, what I’m looking at etc. so it’s expected of me to be transparent but not him. It’s hiding. The reason he has security with me is because I’ve been transparent with him. But it hasn’t been the other way. 
To me it’s about communication and honesty. It helps build trust. 
could you expand on the unreasonable? I’ve been open and vulnerable with the details just looking for insight and navigation around this. I’ve changed my life completely and not willing to give up so if I’m unreasonable, then that’s what I’ve been. How can I navigate that?

to me, if he watched porn or stumbled across picture or whatever, all he has to do is talk about it. It’s not an end... cause there’s something lacking or something behind the behaviour. 

[Els]

3 hours ago, Mr W M said:

It’s a lot, sorry just don’t know how to word or explain

It's not that long, but the lack of punctuation and paragraphs is what makes it basically impossible to read. Not trying to pick on you, but I think you'd get more responses if you tried doing that.

[d0nnivain]

If you don't trust your partner, you don't have much of a relationship. 

If you genuinely think he's going to propose & you are not prepared to enthusiastically say yes, drop hints over the next few days that give the impression that he should not propose.  

Seriously, say something point blank along the lines of "I'm so glad I'm divorced.  I'm not sure I would ever want to get married again."  Only a fool would propose after a statement like that.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Neither of you is in the galaxy of a ballpark of being ready to marry. You guys are both only recently out of marriages--your divorce isn't even finalized if I'm reading you correctly.

The answer is no, you guys are nowhere ready to get married. It can take several years for people to recover from a divorce, from the disappointment and the sense of failure and the pain.

You don't trust him and you need to get clear on the whole cheating thing. 

Maybe get to therapy--because this is not a close question. Your question is about as easy to answer as a teenager saying, "my partner wants to rob a bank. Should I go along with him?" That's how ridiculous your question is. 

[ShyViolet]

14 hours ago, Mr W M said:

I don’t trust him to be honest. He doesn’t want me around women or other men because he’s scared I will cheat on him. I’m fearful because I just need an honest relationship. Everything else is amazing. But I’m worried that getting engaged isn’t the right thing and I don’t know what to do.

You think?  Your entire relationship with this person has been surrounded by chaos, drama and poor decision making.  This is not the time to get engaged.  That would be yet another poor decision and it would probably end badly.  If you know you don't trust him, why on earth are you considering getting engaged?  Does that sound like a responsible thing to do?

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, Mr W M said:

I just need an honest relationship. Everything else is amazing

Do you see how absurdly contradictory this is? 

You don't have an amazing relationship. At all. It's toxic and terribly dysfunctional. Marrying him would be a huge mistake.  I think you know this but you have been lying to yourself for long about this "amazing" relationship that you have lost most of your perepective. 

Listen to your gut. This is not going to end well if you stay. 

[glows]

13 hours ago, Mr W M said:

So something in our relationship that would be considered unloyal would be videos of other guys, googling massage services and basically anything to do with naked men. Just something we agreed on as it’s something his ex’s have done and also things he’s done in his past relationships. 
and the block list thing is more do to with honesty and transparency. He wants to know who is messaging me, what I’m looking at etc. so it’s expected of me to be transparent but not him. It’s hiding. The reason he has security with me is because I’ve been transparent with him. But it hasn’t been the other way. 
To me it’s about communication and honesty. It helps build trust. 
could you expand on the unreasonable? I’ve been open and vulnerable with the details just looking for insight and navigation around this. I’ve changed my life completely and not willing to give up so if I’m unreasonable, then that’s what I’ve been. How can I navigate that?

to me, if he watched porn or stumbled across picture or whatever, all he has to do is talk about it. It’s not an end... cause there’s something lacking or something behind the behaviour. 

The block list was him adding people and blocking them from what I understood of your first post. Why do you care who he is blocking if he’s getting rid of these people? Am I misunderstanding what this whole block list was about? 

Im perplexed why you agreed to be so transparent or enable someone’s messed up trust issues and manipulate you to this level. It sounds like you want communication in a relationship but when you see a person is a chronic liar and cheater it’s time to stop, period. Stop paying for tickets to the show, in other words. I feel like you’re enabling this and wishing he’s someone he’s not. He’s also abusive and controlling by controlling who you’re around with as if you can’t make good decisions on your own. You say that communication builds trust. Yes but not after one step forward and two steps back all the time. Recognize the trust is destroyed and you’re now hurting yourself by lack of acceptance. I also don’t agree that couples have to disclose watching porn or coming across a picture. There’s way too much distrust and suspicion and you both keep feeding that toxic dynamic by putting these constraints and need to know type info on one another. 

I wouldn’t date this person at all. I’d run in the other direction and never ever look back. Why are you still here? At some point lack of experience is not an excuse anymore. Youre becoming as neurotic and insecure as him.. do you see that?

[BaileyB]

On 4/18/2024 at 10:59 PM, Mr W M said:

anyone just have any insight/experience/reassurance or anything other than just…don’t do it or this is toxic or wtf you doing man.

I’m very sorry, I know that this is not what you want to hear but I stopped reading half way through because there are so many red flags here that it is astounding to me that you would even consider marriage. First - you are very, very recently out of a serious relationship. This is moving way too fast. Second, of course the massages are sexual. You know that this person sells sex for money, you just don’t want to accept it. And third, this person is insecure, jealous, controlling, and this relationship is full of so much drama - it could be a soap opera. 

My advice would be to decline the proposal because when a relationship feels rushed, that is usually for a reason… in this case, you have an insecure, jealous partner who is potentially trying to lock this down for a very obvious reason. I would also encourage you to reconsider the relationship - your partner sounds emotionally abusive and there is a high risk of stds here given the risky behaviors that your partner is/has engaged in - be safe. 

Edited April 21, 2024 by BaileyB