does he not care, missing our anniversary and lack of effort.

[boak1]

me and my boyfriend have been together a year. At the beginning he was so thoughtful but I feel like months in the effort just stopped.

 

It is our 1 year anniversary tomorrow and he is going to the football as it is a big match with his friends as it is one of their birthdays. He told me and I said that's our anniversary, he didn't know. I decided to say I was upset but got over it as we said we could do something another day and I understand it is a big game, I would do the same.

He has started a new job that is incredibly social. Neither of us have lots of friends and we have spent the past year doing everything with each other. since he has started his new job I feel completely pushed to the side. He is going out drinking with them every Thursday and Friday now. I can't help feeling bitter because he has people to do things with but understand he needs to make an effort to fit in. He used to be a party animal years ago and has settled down but since this new job I fear it is coming back.

We had an argument yesterday because I wanted to celebrate our anniversary today since it is the day before and he is missing it tomorrow, which he doesn't seem to care about. He said he is going out with his work colleagues. I can't help feeling he is putting people he has known 3 weeks over his girlfriend of a year, why can't he turn around and say ill come next week as its my girlfriend and I'd anniversary. he has gone out with them the past 3 weeks and can't spend one night celebrating instead just saying we will do something to celebrate don't worry. I know what he is like, I know nothing will get planned and I am so hurt. 

He doesn't seem to understand why I am upset, I constantly put effort in and want to see him but can't help but feel he only does stuff with me when he doesn't have plans with any of his new friends. 

Am I being overdramatic and sensitive or does he just not care about me? We haven't spoken since and I haven't heard from him today. im devastated. I feel like he never puts in the effort I do. I don't 100% trust him as he is a flirtatious person and he expects me to be completely relaxed and chilled when he goes out but not wanting to spend our anniversary together or even getting me a present for the day makes me think he doesn't care and makes me trust him less

[Lotsgoingon]

The question is not "does he just not care about me?" That's hopeless and basically irrelevant here.

Let's say he does indeed care a lot about you. So what?! You are feeling disconnected from him right now, feeling pushed to the side. People can indeed care about us (whatever that means) and we can still be utterly miserable with them. 

Get clear of what you want with him and open your mouth and speak! "Hey, I would like to spend some Friday nights with you. And I would like you to check with me before you commit to a Friday night with other people." If you want more time with him, say that to him. The relationship will only work if it feels good to you. Otherwise, you're just numbing yourself to misery. 

On the change in his socializing, bring that up. "Hey, I know you have more friends now. But I want to make sure I have enough time with you." And be specific about the amount of time you want to feel secure. 

On the anniversary, did you talk to him ahead of time about the anniversary and what you wanted to do? Lots of folks don't think in terms of anniversaries and it means nothing that they don't. I have a fantastic memory and I don't think I EVER tracked anniversaries with any of my dating partners. And none of them tracked this either. So you gotta tell him ahead of time. "Hey, our anniversary is coming up next month. I'd like to go on a great night out with you." And you give him the date and all that. You need to do that a month or two ahead of time if that is important to you. 

Sounds like you are falling into passivity. Ask for what you want. If he dismisses your requests then he ain't the one for you. 

[d0nnivain]

I have never met a man in my life who gives a fig about dating anniversaries.  Until I started on message boards as a woman I didn't even know dating anniversaries are a thing. 

In general the best way to get what you need around a holiday or celebration is to speak up at least a week in advance about what you want.  

His new job is exciting & social.  That may have been missing from his life for a while.  You got used to being the center of his social universe so it's understandable that now that you have competition you don't like it.   

You need to ask yourself if he doesn't change & he keeps going out with the work people do you still want to be in this relationship?   You can't assume it will die down or that he will revert back to the way things were.  You have to base your decision on the idea that this is what IS.  

[stillafool]

I've never cared about an anniversary of someone I was just dating.    I too never had any idea people celebrated them, I thought they were for serious relationships.  Maybe your bf feels the same way and if so he should tell you that, but his actions are saying it.

[Acacia98]

Just for clarification, OP, how much time do you and your boyfriend actually spend together? Do you see him on other days of the week? Do you live together?

[glows]

I think it’s odd that you’re not invited to these socials. Or does he invite you but you decline? First dating anniversary is tricky - who decides on what date? Is it the date you met or the date you became officially a couple? I don’t even remember any of those dates in previous relationships. He may not remember it either or understand why it’s important. In that respect yes I do think you’re overreacting. 

On the other hand if he hasn’t recognized that it’s important to YOU he’s a shite bf. The least a person can do is offer an alternate date instead of shutting you down twice. The problem is lack of effort on his part and that’s very hurtful. I’m so sorry. 

My suggestion is to talk about it more calmly this weekend when free and let him come to you. I don’t think you should stay home either if not feeling it. Go out and celebrate with your friends or book a weekend getaway. Don’t put your life on hold just because he’s not home.

[Els]

The anniversary is just one day a year and you're not even married. I understand that you're upset about that and your feelings are valid, but I don't think that it would be productive to focus on that at this time.

The real problem, IMO, is that you're feeling neglected the remaining 364 days of the year as well. And that's what you need to address. Unless you're in a culture where daily after work drinks are literally part of your job (e.g. some East Asian cultures), I don't think that most people consider it necessary to go drinking with their colleagues two days a week, every week. If your bf is doing this, it's because he's choosing to do it.

I suggest you have a talk with him about it but leave out the anniversary. Talk about the rest of your relationship and how his weekly schedule is affecting it negatively. See what he says. If he's not willing to change, you may need to reconsider the relationship.

[Gaeta]

My boyfriend gives me a lot of attention and he organizes his life around my availability, still he has no clue what count as our dating anniversary. I don't really care either, you know why? because dating him feels like it's our anniversary each day (cheezy but true). When people make a big deal out of small things like 'dating anniversary' it's because they're refusing to face the 'big things' in their relationship. The big thing here is lately you are unhappy in this relationship. This is where you need to focus. 

You're only 1 year in, if he stopped making efforts then it's over. He's failed the trial period.  It's time to move to a more mature and committed man. 

Edited April 20 by Gaeta