Anxious about meeting with my ex

[Soloarmadolo]

I was dating my partner for just under 5 years; with the past 2 being really romantically dry. The dryness in the relationship was definitely caused by my actions/addictions and mental stability. Long story short, we hadn't been intimate in about 2 years when she found screenshots of instagram girls on my phone along with some porn. I never messaged anyone, saw anyone, cheated or remotely thought about cheating during our relationship. She is the love of my life. I just have problems that I needed to seek help for. She told me before that if she ever found porn on my phone, she would instantly break up with me and things would be over. Well, when she found the images, she did just that. I was sleeping and she left me. She had a friend call the next day and tell me that because of the things she saw, my ex believed that our relationship was irreconcilable and she wanted to cut all ties with me and be done. She would not speak to me and just wanted it to be over. This was devastating for me. She blocked me on most social media and took down our images that we shared together. She however, kept instagram unblocked for some reason. I messaged her and let her know that I would be working on myself and seeking help as well as that I knew our love was strong enough to reconcile anything and if she still had hope for us to keep reading my messages, that I didn't expect a response, but it would mean everything to me if she kept reading them. I immediately sought help and began seeing a therapist, as well as taking care of responsibilities that I used to put on her. For the next 2 weeks I would message her on instagram (not obsessively, maybe once a day or every 2 or 3 days) to let her know what I was up to, what I was working on and that I missed her and loved her. She messaged me back about 2 weeks after she left, she had a lot to say but in the end said that she was willing to talk more about it, that she still loved me, had hope for a miracle we could still be together and that she just needed time and space. I kept messaging her (without a response) for about a week and then said that I hope my messages aren't bothering her but I can't tell. She messaged me and said that my messages aren't bothering her, and that she thinks that I don't really know how much us being apart is affecting her. She said that she is till having trouble accepting the state that our relationship is in. I mentioned that I understand and am going through similar things. Finding that I can't even bring myself to say out loud that we broke up and when people ask about her or us, that I can't bring myself to say anything. About a week later (she is still reading messages I send) she messages me that she wants to meet and talk in a couple of days. She said that she mainly wants to talk about airline tickets we purchased for a trip we were planning in a couple of months as well as the apartment that we lived in together. She also said that she has a few questions she would like to ask me and that she wants us to be open and honest with each other. She said we don't have to meet if I don't want to and that if I'm not ready then that's ok. She said that because I may have seemed reluctant to meet, just based on the fact that I am extremely anxious to see her, but also very afraid of our breakup becoming reality. I told her that I would love to meet and talk, but that I am just anxious and afraid of losing the future we wanted together. I told her that I hope she still has hope for us and our future and that I hope this isn't just us talking about the logistics of a break up. We agreed on a day and time.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about the upcoming conversation since. I am so afraid that its just going to be us talking about what to do with the tickets and things in our apartment now that we are broken up. I think that she would probably rather just have that conversation over the phone and not see me but Idk. I haven't exactly been able to think straight since she left, with very little sleep and not really eating properly as well. I just wanted an outside opinion on us meeting. Do you think that this is a good thing? Do you think that she is willing to talk about us being together? I'm so afraid of her saying she just wants us to be open and honest with each other that she will just break it off. My therapist said that she definitely has hopes for us getting back together and it sounds like we may be able to reconcile things, esp if she hasn't blocked me, is messaging me even a little/reading my messages and is willing to talk more about it. I haven't been able to talk to her about the meeting we have planned though. Is this meeting it? Is she wanting to just break things off now? or do you think she is willing to meet and talk about us reconciling our relationship?

[glows]

I don’t get why you saved porn or girls on your phone. These are readily available anywhere to stream any time and free. Do you understand why you collect these? What addictions do you have exactly? Is it this or others as well? 

I don’t think she’ll get back with you if you are still working through your addictions. It’s very strange to me why a professional such as your therapist would build such false hope in someone so vulnerable or fragile/anxious as yourself. 

Regardless of what happens your world actually does not depend on your ex. Life goes on so don’t keep pigeonholing yourself into one kind of future only. It’s making your anxiety worse thinking that that’s the be all/end all. You can move through and live a good life without your ex.

[Soloarmadolo]

I saved them mainly because of my addiction to porn. It wasn't that I couldn't access it, it was more because I knew that I shouldn't be doing it. I have a lot of past trauma in my life that makes me ashamed of sexually related things along with being told several negative things about myself and who I am as a person. Somehow that turned into an addiction of seeking out things that I would be ashamed of and generally disappointing people. This is the only addiction I have, and one of the main reasons I sought help. I new that my past trauma was what was affecting our relationship which is also why I sought help. I don't believe my world does revolve around her. I have had a few long term relationships in my life lasting over 6 years. I understand that life goes on and what my life could be without my ex. I would just rather have her in my life than not. I'm also not asking if she will just get back together with me. I'm not pigeonholing into one kind of future either, like I said, I understand that life goes on and that I don't need her in my life to be happy. But is it so wrong to try to reconcile and repair a relationship that I think is worth it?

[Soloarmadolo]

18 minutes ago, glows said:

I don’t get why you saved porn or girls on your phone. These are readily available anywhere to stream any time and free. Do you understand why you collect these? What addictions do you have exactly? Is it this or others as well? 

I don’t think she’ll get back with you if you are still working through your addictions. It’s very strange to me why a professional such as your therapist would build such false hope in someone so vulnerable or fragile/anxious as yourself. 

Regardless of what happens your world actually does not depend on your ex. Life goes on so don’t keep pigeonholing yourself into one kind of future only. It’s making your anxiety worse thinking that that’s the be all/end all. You can move through and live a good life without your ex.

Forgot to qoute you

[glows]

If she doesn’t want you then yes it’s wrong to keep pushing for that outcome to be together. You have to stop forcing the situation and just let it be. Unfortunately I know what anxiety feels like(very bad anxiety) so telling someone to just stop feeling anxious is about as good as collecting rain water in a barrel with a hole. Keep reminding yourself that it’s not all about you and she also gets a choice in it. If you find yourself with persistent ruminating or obsessive thoughts know what helps those triggers. Do breathing techniques or stay busy and healthy. Exercise and being active helps me.

[Els]

Why weren't you intimate for 2 years?

I don't personally think that you sound like you have an addiction to porn. Your behaviour just sounds to me like a human response when something that most people consider normal is instead forbidden and demonised. It then gains an importance and an appeal that it otherwise wouldn't have, and your behaviour swings to the other extreme. I feel like if you could get over the feelings of sexual shame that you get when you do something that's otherwise totally normal (masturbation), that would be a good first step on the road to a healthier view of sex and porn.

I also feel like you dodged a bullet with the ex. Do you really want to be with someone who will police your personal masturbation for the rest of your life?

[d0nnivain]

I have no idea.  She probably still had feelings for you but she feels betrayed by the porn.  You lost her trust.  She enforced her boundaries. 

From her perspective there hasn't been enough time or evidence that after 2 years of an unsatisfying relationship where she stuck by you despite your issues & the lack of sex you broke her cardinal rule.  I wouldn't take you back but that's me.  All you can really do is hear her out.  Nothing you say will make anything better but you have to say you are sorry & that you promise not to do it again because she needs to hear it.  But only actions will prove whether she can or should trust you again.  

If you are actually addicted to porn you have no business dating a woman who has such a strong adverse response to it.  This will never work.  Why bother?  Don't say it's because you love her; that is never enough

Edited April 19 by d0nnivain

[Gebidozo]

Ok, there are two very different possible scenarios here, and I’m unsure as to which one is the one actually happening:

1) You like watching porn and / or masturbating. You’ve been made to believe that it is a shameful behavior. Your GF was enforcing that belief by threatening to break up with you if you ever succumbed to those activities.

2) Your addiction to porn prevented you from being intimate with your GF for two years. You tried to work on that, but still kept pornographic material. Your GF found out about that and saw it as your unwillingness to work on your issues, change, and give her the intimacy and the sexual satisfaction she needs in this relationship.

If Scenario 1 is true, then it’s a good thing you’re no longer together with a controlling girlfriend that monitors your sexual preferences.

If Scenario 2 is true, you need to do better. You have to get rid of your addiction that prevents you from fulfilling your partner’s needs. I think it would be too early to get back together with your GF at this point. You’ll need to change first, and regain her trust.

Personally, I think Scenario 2 is more likely. Two years without sex while being in a committed relationship sounds, frankly, quite horrible.

 

[Soloarmadolo]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

Ok, there are two very different possible scenarios here, and I’m unsure as to which one is the one actually happening:

1) You like watching porn and / or masturbating. You’ve been made to believe that it is a shameful behavior. Your GF was enforcing that belief by threatening to break up with you if you ever succumbed to those activities.

2) Your addiction to porn prevented you from being intimate with your GF for two years. You tried to work on that, but still kept pornographic material. Your GF found out about that and saw it as your unwillingness to work on your issues, change, and give her the intimacy and the sexual satisfaction she needs in this relationship.

If Scenario 1 is true, then it’s a good thing you’re no longer together with a controlling girlfriend that monitors your sexual preferences.

If Scenario 2 is true, you need to do better. You have to get rid of your addiction that prevents you from fulfilling your partner’s needs. I think it would be too early to get back together with your GF at this point. You’ll need to change first, and regain her trust.

Personally, I think Scenario 2 is more likely. Two years without sex while being in a committed relationship sounds, frankly, quite horrible.

 

You nailed it on the head with scenario 2, and 2 years with no intamacy did a lot to her self image and self worth. I've been actively working on myself, seeking medical help through a therapist as well as joining an online group and zoom meetings for porn addiction. This is definitely an addiction, I didn't think of it as such really during the time period I was giving in to it. But trust when I say I marked basically everything off the checklist for porn addiction. I've also been taking care of my responsibilities in life that I used to pile onto her. One thing she said a couple of weeks ago when we were talking about reconciling, was that it was a lot of work and it was up to me to repair this. She said she was willing to talk more about it but needed time, space and to see my effort to change. I know it's just my anxiety running wild when I should know that I have no idea what's really going to happen when we meet, but I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that this is what she meant by seeing my effort to change and is willing to begin talking about reconciling, not necessarily getting back together but beginning to. It's just the verbiage that she used that has me scared. I've definitely come a long way since she left. I forgot to mention but it's been a little over a month since she left.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 4/20/2024 at 7:04 AM, Soloarmadolo said:

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that this is what she meant by seeing my effort to change and is willing to begin talking about reconciling,

We can't reassure you of that. We don't know any better than you do. 

This conversation in person could go either way. She might be open to rebuilding, or she might want to have a face-to-face talk to really initiate the logistics of separating. She might have some things she wants to say that have nothing to do with reconcilation. 

But 2 years with no intimacy and dealing with the your addiction, man, you have to be realistic that she probably wants more and better for herself. It's good that you are getting help and making changes now, but it remains to be seen if it's coming too late to save the relationship. All you can do is meet her and listen to what she has to say.

On 4/19/2024 at 9:13 PM, Soloarmadolo said:

But is it so wrong to try to reconcile and repair a relationship that I think is worth it?

It's not wrong, of course. But just because you think it's worth it doesn't necessarily mean she thinks it's worth it anymore. For her, it might be too much and she no longer has the desire to try. See what happens at this meeting.