What to do when my husband acts like he hates me

[lw712856]

Apparently my husband of 10 years has some kind of depression or mood disorder. Some days he'll act like Prince charming and be so nice, he'll spend time with me and the kids, smile, laugh, be affectionate, and just be in a great mood. But other days he comes home from work in a horrible miserable mood. Won't say hi, gives dirty looks, slams doors, and isolates himself. I'll ask him what's wrong & is there anything I can do to help? And he says just leave him alone. I get that people have bad days at work but at this point, taking it out on me and just being an angry bear is too much. I have to walk on egg shells when he's like this. I haven't even done anything wrong and he acts like I ruined his day, he acts like he has it so bad but he has it great. Idk what to do. I have extreme anxiety so when he's like this, it changes my whole mood. My heart starts pounding, I get severely nervous to be around him because I just want him to be happy but it's like I can't do anything to help. The days when he's happy are amazing. It's like a switch flips though on some days. 

[glows]

When you say he has it great, how so? Is it possible his life is not quite what you think and he wants to quit but feels trapped? 

Second do you have a support system or friends? Your hubster cannot be all things to you. He’s going to have moods. Let him settle in and finish his after work routine. Where you draw the line is verbal/physical abuse or any sort of abuse around the kids. 

[lw712856]

He has it great because he has a wife and kids who love him and I'm willing to do anything to make him happy. If he feels trapped then why is he happy as ever on some days where he's loving life. And then other days he hates life and wants to give up. He's never physically abusive but he has said some hurtful things when he's in one of his moods. He's just not normal. Everyone I see is out there loving life and doing activities with their families. Sometimes he claims I don't let him ever do what he wants. But that's not true because I encourage him to hangout with his friends and do what he wants. He's tired of the work routine every day but that's life, he is a man with a family to support. I have one friend who I hangout with once in a great while. I only hangout with my sister once a week. My life is literally my kids so I am with them 24/7 and love it. I take care of everything there is to take care of. Cooking, cleaning, appointments, school events, field trips, sports practice, getting the kids ready for school and bed, making sure bills are paid, grocery shopping, planning. Everything you can name. That's why he has it great.

[d0nnivain]

His moods probably have nothing to do with you.  It sucks that you have to walk on eggshells around him but that doesn't mean he hates you.  Something is wrong with him & he's taking it out on you.   

When he's in a calmer mood ask him then what triggers these moods & what can be done so it doesn't ratchet up your anxiety.  You may also want to talk to a therapist to help you manage your reaction to his bad moods more effectively.  

[Els]

It's hard to tell from your post whether he's just wanting to decompress after work and is upset that you don't let him, or whether he's genuinely handling his work stress terribly and consequently being a bad partner to you. When he comes home, do you give him a chance to rest and reset for a bit, or is he inundated immediately? Is he working a very high-stress job? How long do these "moods" of his last?

Does he have any sort of mental health support like a therapist, etc? Can you encourage him to get that?

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Everyone I see is out there loving life and doing activities with their families

I would be wary of using this as a comparison. People obviously present a facade on social media or to their acquaintances, and you don't know what life really is like for them or what their spouse experiences. Mental health disorders, work dissatisfaction, midlife crisis etc are all more common than you think, people just don't talk about it very much.

[BaileyB]

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What to do when my husband acts like he hates me

My knee jerk reaction to your question was - file for divorce. Nobody should have to live wi to a partner who they feel “hates them.”

What you have described sounds pretty extreme and pretty unpredictable. In attachment theory, the people who have a parent who either loves them or neglects them fare better than those who are inconsistently rewarded with love and attention by their parent. It can be a total mind #€[£. 

Two things - his moods likely have little to do with you and there is little that you can do to help him. He is responsible for his mental health. The best you can do is encourage him to visit an individual counsellor or his physician if you believe he is depressed. If he will go with you, marriage counselling may help him to understand how his behavior is affecting you and your children. Or, you could seek your own individual counsellor as you have identified that this is not helping your anxiety.

I will share, I have a dear friend who has been supporting her husband for 18 months as he has dealt/not dealt with depression. She told me last week that her husband was no longer living in their home - she could not continue to walk on egg shells and she realized that it was not a healthy situation for their children. They have been together since high school - the courage that took amazed me. But, one can only put up with so much - you and your children have a right to peace and happiness in your own home too. Don’t be afraid to assert yourself. 

Best wishes. 

Edited April 21, 2024 by BaileyB

[lw712856]

42 minutes ago, Els said:

It's hard to tell from your post whether he's just wanting to decompress after work and is upset that you don't let him, or whether he's genuinely handling his work stress terribly and consequently being a bad partner to you. When he comes home, do you give him a chance to rest and reset for a bit, or is he inundated immediately? Is he working a very high-stress job? How long do these "moods" of his last?

Does he have any sort of mental health support like a therapist, etc? Can you encourage him to get that?

I would be wary of using this as a comparison. People obviously present a facade on social media or to their acquaintances, and you don't know what life really is like for them or what their spouse experiences. Mental health disorders, work dissatisfaction, midlife crisis etc are all more common than you think, people just don't talk about it very much.

I don't think it's a mid life crisis, as he's only 28. He does seem to get depressed every so often. I've learned to keep him rest and have some alone time after work without bothering him but when he had a bad day that doesn't work. I could give him 3 hours to unwind and he'll still be edgy. He cleans windows. Yeah it's hard work but sometimes he'll have a super rough day at work and still come home in a great mood. Some days he'll have the easiest job and come home in a horrible mood. That's why I think he has a mood disorder. 

[Els]

1 minute ago, lw712856 said:

I don't think it's a mid life crisis, as he's only 28. He does seem to get depressed every so often. I've learned to keep him rest and have some alone time after work without bothering him but when he had a bad day that doesn't work. I could give him 3 hours to unwind and he'll still be edgy. He cleans windows. Yeah it's hard work but sometimes he'll have a super rough day at work and still come home in a great mood. Some days he'll have the easiest job and come home in a horrible mood. That's why I think he has a mood disorder. 

Sounds like he needs to talk to a mental health professional, and you should make it clear to him that the marriage will be in trouble if he is unwilling to seek help.

But at the same time, I think you could do with being a bit more empathetic - the last thing a depressed person needs is to be told by their spouse "your life is great, why can't you just be happy?". Putting myself in his shoes, I see a 28-yo person being the sole breadwinner of a family with multiple kids. That sounds very stressful, especially if you are only 28 and your friends can basically do whatever they want all day because they don't have a family to support, and especially if you are working a blue collar job (which presumably doesn't pay much). Did you two make the decision together to have multiple children before 30?

[mark clemson]

When he's negative, suggest you give him the space he seems to want/need.

HOWEVER, it's not fair to you as it's (understandably) causing you anxiety and distress. So, when he's nice again - bring it up and suggest couple's counseling - specifically to address this point. (It MIGHT lead to bringing up other issues, but suggest you make it about this specifically for now.) Cast it in a positive light - the counseling is to help BOTH of you feel better in the relationship.

People get angry, and over time the "little things" can sometimes build up into resentment towards even a good partner. Communication of emotional items is an issue for MANY, MANY couples from what I understand. So having a counselor to be a referee of sorts for difficult conversations can sometimes be quite helpful.

If you go this route, suggest you look for an experienced counselor who genuinely specializes in couples. Also a small, but real, % are wierdos so be sure you like the counselor and if you don't, seek out a better one.

"Flipping like a switch" is his issue WRT anger management, and a bit above your pay grade. Even if it weren't, you'd have to recuse yourself from working with him as you're in a relationship. A couple's counselor might end up suggesting individual therapy for him for this, but consider letting that play out in time, as it remains to be seen what a counselor would actually suggest.

Edited April 22, 2024 by mark clemson

[d0nnivain]

He's 28 & you have been married for 10 years?  Yikes.  

You two need to deal with this or your marriage won't survive another 10 years.  

[stillafool]

He's probably burnt out and fighting depression.  How many children do you have?  Do you work or are you a stay at home mom?

[lw712856]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

He's 28 & you have been married for 10 years?  Yikes.  

You two need to deal with this or your marriage won't survive another 10 years.  

Why do you say it won't last...? Just because there are issues in a marriage doesn't mean it won't last. 

[basil67]

44 minutes ago, lw712856 said:

Why do you say it won't last...? Just because there are issues in a marriage doesn't mean it won't last. 

If nothing changes, are you prepared to live like this (and expose your children to his behaviour) for another 10 years?

[Els]

11 hours ago, lw712856 said:

Why do you say it won't last...? Just because there are issues in a marriage doesn't mean it won't last. 

She didn't say it won't last, she said that it won't last IF you don't deal with this enormous issue.

Also, why did you two get married when he was only 18? Was it an unplanned pregnancy? Did he have the chance to go to college after that or has he been supporting the family ever since he was 18?

[Wiseman2]

On 4/19/2024 at 5:41 PM, lw712856 said:

. Some days he'll act like Prince charming and be so nice, he'll spend time with me and the kids, smile, laugh, be affectionate, and just be in a great mood. But other days he comes home from work in a horrible miserable mood. Won't say hi, gives dirty looks, slams doors, and isolates himself. 

Sorry this is happening. Displaced anger is just another form of abuse. Please don't coddle him this way. Ignore him. It's his responsibility to handle his  moods and attitudes not just use you as a punching bag for frustration.  

Disrupting the peace and the household is for power and control. It's not a mood disorder, it's abuse so please don't enable it or pamper him. Let him go off on a snit and act like he's not there. 

[d0nnivain]

13 hours ago, lw712856 said:

Why do you say it won't last...? Just because there are issues in a marriage doesn't mean it won't last. 

Issues are one thing.  A stressed out 28 year old with multiple kids who comes home so angry / upset / whatever that his wife is walking on egg shells is a ticking time bomb.   He's on a path to destruction.  At some point he's going to do something you can't come back from like cheat or hit you.  That is why I worry your marriage won't last if whatever is bugging him is not managed better & soon.  

Financial stressor ruin more marriages than infidelity.  

You can fix this if you both work to make positive changes.  

Edited April 23, 2024 by d0nnivain

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please don't coddle him this way.

I see a lot of enabling here and maybe a little guilt. I could not agree with you more Wiseman, she needs to stop walking on eggshells and taking on every responsibility that she can in an attempt to make him happy. It’s not working and she is going to wear herself out.
 

On 4/19/2024 at 5:49 PM, lw712856 said:

I take care of everything there is to take care of. Cooking, cleaning, appointments, school events, field trips, sports practice, getting the kids ready for school and bed, making sure bills are paid, grocery shopping, planning. Everything you can name.

I also wonder if this is perhaps a woman who is so focused on her children at the expense of her marriage. Not uncommon, many women become completely absorbed in the role of mother that they forget that the primary relationship in the home is with their husband. 

Personally, I think that a marriage counsellor would be a wonderful idea for both of you. I have to wonder if there are some shifts that need to happen to create a bit more balance in your relationship and in your home life. But, I also think what you describe is a man who is really struggling - Maybe he has a mood disorder, or maybe he’s just not very happy with where he is in his life right now. I hope that you both get the support that you need to move past this…

Edited April 23, 2024 by BaileyB

[lw712856]

2 hours ago, Els said:

She didn't say it won't last, she said that it won't last IF you don't deal with this enormous issue.

Also, why did you two get married when he was only 18? Was it an unplanned pregnancy? Did he have the chance to go to college after that or has he been supporting the family ever since he was 18?

Um yeah but why does that matter..

[lw712856]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I see a lot of enabling here and maybe a little guilt. I could not agree with you more Wiseman, she needs to stop walking on eggshells and taking on every responsibility that she can in an attempt to make him happy. It’s not working and she is going to wear herself out.
 

I also wonder if this is perhaps a woman who is so focused on her children at the expense of her marriage. Not uncommon, many women become completely absorbed in the role of mother that they forget that the primary relationship in the home is with their husband. 

Personally, I think that a marriage counsellor would be a wonderful idea for both of you. I have to wonder if there are some shifts that need to happen to create a bit more balance in your relationship and in your home life. But, I also think what you describe is a man who is really struggling - Maybe he has a mood disorder, or maybe he’s just not very happy with where he is in his life right now. I hope that you both get the support that you need to move past this…

Yeah he's not happy because he has to work and provide for his family. I'm a stay at home Mom and he's jealous. He gets mad at me and says he wishes he could just sit on his butt like I do all day it's a piece of cake what I do. He calls off at least once a month and says it's because he needs sleep. He doesn't get paid days off but yet he always calls himself the man of the house. I'm boiling inside with anxiety and frustration when he does this.

[Lotsgoingon]

 

I wouldn't describe slamming doors and rolling eyes as signs of depression. Depression is more along the lines of he can't get out of bed, or he feels worthless. Depressed people often (not always) tell you how bad life is, how hopeless life is. 

It's time for you to get curious and to turn on your thinking brain. What do YOU think is going on? You're throwing your hands up in the air. But if you have been married for ten years, you should be able to add up some clues about what might be going on. 

First, when did these behaviors start? Go back in time to the very beginning of the marriage--are you sure these behaviors were not there? Sometimes crazy behavior starts in small bits, and we miss it--especially on early in a marriage, we miss stuff because we are so hopeful about the marriage.

My first reaction is that he may be getting criticized or humiliated at work. What do you know about his job? It's not uncommon for men to hide that they are being criticized, called names or humiliated at work. Any chance he has a new boss? The wrong boss can wreak havoc in people's lives. Feeling like your job is in jeopardy can eat at any worker. 

You need to NOT back off when he comes home like this. You need to stand your ground and tell him this behavior is not acceptable. Throw him a lifeline by saying you wonder if something is going on at work and you want to love him. Tell him all the good things you admire about him. Tell him you are in his corner. But you make it clear that this door slamming and isolating must stop--do that in a gentle voice.

You say you do all the home duties in the marriage. But if you do ALL the home stuff, then his focus will be work. This is not criticism of you. His sense of accomplishment will be based on succeeding at work so that he can be worthy of all you're doing, so that can support the family. So if there is a problem at the job, his whole position in the family and marriage becomes fragile. Not that you would immediately abandon him but fragile all the same because it's about what's going on in his head. 

So your "he has it great" thinking is only half right. We pay for everything. Every choice has a potential downside, so does every arrangement. I'm just imagining that he is feeling the pressure to be a fantastic worker and right now, something is going on at work that has destroyed his sense of work security and accomplishment. And because he hasn't been open and vulnerable with you, he doesn't know how to tell you about his work struggles. 

Now, there is some real immaturity in him to be isolating so aggressively. There is also some real passivity with you that you have no clue and not even any guesses about what might be going on with him. 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

17 minutes ago, lw712856 said:

He gets mad at me and says he wishes he could just sit on his butt like I do all day it's a piece of cake what I do.

First, being a stay at home parent is not a piece of cake. It’s actually more work than a lot of jobs.

Secondly, I doubt why he’s actually angry. I suspect it’s because he’s basically in a position that he didn’t expect to be. He’s living a life, and trying to do the “right thing”, but it’s a life he doesn’t want. Most people would be angry. 

[lw712856]

47 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

First, being a stay at home parent is not a piece of cake. It’s actually more work than a lot of jobs.

Secondly, I doubt why he’s actually angry. I suspect it’s because he’s basically in a position that he didn’t expect to be. He’s living a life, and trying to do the “right thing”, but it’s a life he doesn’t want. Most people would be angry. 

Yeah I definitely see where he's coming from because he's younger than me. I guess the only thing I can do is go to counseling. I don't see how that will fix him though if he won't go with me. He's got a 10 yr old and a 2 yr old so he's been a dad for a while now you'd think he'd be used to it by now

[lw712856]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 

I wouldn't describe slamming doors and rolling eyes as signs of depression. Depression is more along the lines of he can't get out of bed, or he feels worthless. Depressed people often (not always) tell you how bad life is, how hopeless life is. 

It's time for you to get curious and to turn on your thinking brain. What do YOU think is going on? You're throwing your hands up in the air. But if you have been married for ten years, you should be able to add up some clues about what might be going on. 

First, when did these behaviors start? Go back in time to the very beginning of the marriage--are you sure these behaviors were not there? Sometimes crazy behavior starts in small bits, and we miss it--especially on early in a marriage, we miss stuff because we are so hopeful about the marriage.

My first reaction is that he may be getting criticized or humiliated at work. What do you know about his job? It's not uncommon for men to hide that they are being criticized, called names or humiliated at work. Any chance he has a new boss? The wrong boss can wreak havoc in people's lives. Feeling like your job is in jeopardy can eat at any worker. 

You need to NOT back off when he comes home like this. You need to stand your ground and tell him this behavior is not acceptable. Throw him a lifeline by saying you wonder if something is going on at work and you want to love him. Tell him all the good things you admire about him. Tell him you are in his corner. But you make it clear that this door slamming and isolating must stop--do that in a gentle voice.

You say you do all the home duties in the marriage. But if you do ALL the home stuff, then his focus will be work. This is not criticism of you. His sense of accomplishment will be based on succeeding at work so that he can be worthy of all you're doing, so that can support the family. So if there is a problem at the job, his whole position in the family and marriage becomes fragile. Not that you would immediately abandon him but fragile all the same because it's about what's going on in his head. 

So your "he has it great" thinking is only half right. We pay for everything. Every choice has a potential downside, so does every arrangement. I'm just imagining that he is feeling the pressure to be a fantastic worker and right now, something is going on at work that has destroyed his sense of work security and accomplishment. And because he hasn't been open and vulnerable with you, he doesn't know how to tell you about his work struggles. 

Now, there is some real immaturity in him to be isolating so aggressively. There is also some real passivity with you that you have no clue and not even any guesses about what might be going on with him. 

 

 

I feel like he is definitely depressed on and off. He's been like this our whole marriage and with all 7 jobs he's had. He lost his mom when I was preg with our first child before we got married. Then he lost his dad when I was preg with our second child. He does tell me life sucks. But then other days he'll live life. He does signs of mood or personality disorders because he has like 5 different personalities. 

[Els]

4 hours ago, lw712856 said:

Um yeah but why does that matter..

Are you serious? You seem to be living with your head in the clouds. The vast majority of men (actually, the vast majority of people, I daresay) don't dream of having to take care of a family when they are 18. An 18-yo is barely an adult, they only just received an adult's freedom. To have that freedom taken away almost immediately... that sounds like absolute hell. An 18-yo should be going to college, hanging out with friends, exploring the world... not having to support a family of 3.

To be clear, I'm not solely blaming you for this. He made his own decision to stay, and he obviously needs to talk to a mental health professional and figure out where he wants to go from here. I'm just perplexed that you seem so completely unable to empathize with him or understand where he's coming from. You seem to think that "he has a great life" and that he's just "not normal", when I think most people would agree that he had and has a pretty difficult life.

How much older than him are you?

Edited April 23, 2024 by Els

[d0nnivain]

Do you two have a budget? Are there things you can do to ease some of the financial stress?  

You two have a lot on your plates with 2 kids & only one person working but he does need to be accountable for his moods / actions.  He is probably still carrying grief over his parents' deaths.