What to do when my husband acts like he hates me

[lw712856]

4 minutes ago, Els said:

Are you serious? You seem to be living with your head in the clouds. The vast majority of men (actually, the vast majority of people, I daresay) don't dream of having to take care of a family when they are 18. An 18-yo is barely an adult, they only just received an adult's freedom. To have that freedom taken away almost immediately... that sounds like absolute hell. An 18-yo should be going to college, hanging out with friends, exploring the world... not having to support a family of 3.

To be clear, I'm not solely blaming you for this. He made his own decision to stay, and he obviously needs to talk to a mental health professional and figure out where he wants to go from here. I'm just perplexed that you seem so completely unable to empathize with him or understand where he's coming from. You seem to think that "he has a great life" and that he's just "not normal", when I think most people would agree that he had and has a pretty difficult life.

How much older than him are you?

I'm 7 years older than him. I didn't get myself pregnant. And he's a high school drop out so he can't go to college and shows no interest in getting his GED. His dream would be to sleep all day and blow money on stuff that doesn't matter. I can see how it's a lot to put on someone that young but he chose this life so now he should be a man and support his family. We rely on him just like he relies on me to do everything. No one likes going to work every day

[Els]

3 minutes ago, lw712856 said:

I'm 7 years older than him. I didn't get myself pregnant. And he's a high school drop out so he can't go to college and shows no interest in getting his GED. His dream would be to sleep all day and blow money on stuff that doesn't matter. I can see how it's a lot to put on someone that young but he chose this life so now he should be a man and support his family. We rely on him just like he relies on me to do everything. No one likes going to work every day

As I said, I'm not solely blaming you for this... and also I'm curious why you keep responding in such a defensive manner. Pushing the blame around solves nothing.

Do you actually want to try and salvage this marriage and encourage him to get professional help, or do you just want to keep dismissing his problems because "everyone else is having such a good time with their families"? In order to even begin to resolve an issue of this magnitude, both people need to try and understand the other's point of view. Neither one of you seems to be willing to do that.

Edited April 23, 2024 by Els

[lw712856]

10 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Do you two have a budget? Are there things you can do to ease some of the financial stress?  

You two have a lot on your plates with 2 kids & only one person working but he does need to be accountable for his moods / actions.  He is probably still carrying grief over his parents' deaths.  

We actually have 3 kids. I had a child before I met him. And yes I follow a budget, I don't spend anything other than what we need. He on the other hand does not follow the budget. He loves to blow more money than he makes. I wrote out a monthly budget chart multiple times but it did nothing. I will be getting into counseling whether he comes with me or not.

[d0nnivain]

I'm glad you will be getting counseling.  

Problem is you married an immature child.  He was never grown up enough to handle 3 kids.  He's irresponsible.  He wishes he was fancy free like his friends.  When he feels burdened by all of his responsibilities he acts out.  Only he can change this. 

You may have given birth to 3 people but you are basically mother to 4.  

Can you encourage him to get his GED?  

[BaileyB]

There is a lot of resentment and anger built up here… Unfortunately, you had children with a man who had not actually finished growing up himself. And now, as Donnivain said, you don’t truly have a partner in life (like all the other families that you think you see at the park) - you have four dependents. That breads anger and resentment. 

Glad to hear that you are going to find a counsellor, hopefully they can help you to establish some more equitable boundaries and bring some balance to your family life. At the end of the day, you will need to let go of your need to prop him up because that is going to exhaust you and destroy the relationship with all the resentment - I’m sure, felt by both partners. He is going to have to decide if he is going to step-up or if he is not going to be able to handle the responsibilities of family life… That’s his decision, you will need to accept his decision either way. It would seem that there are some really discussions to be had, with hard decisions to be made. Good luck.

Edited April 23, 2024 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

The more you explain, the more it seems that your husband was NEVER remotely ready for marriage. I mean, few young people are. But he really really really REALLY wasn't ready for marriage.

So basically sounds like you have simply be in denial since you've been with him. Which is easy to do when you're young and married--so I'm not condemning you. But if you are living with a person who is emotionally blocked and immature unhelpful, you do have to get to the point where you see and accept that this person is emotionally blocked and immature and unhelpful. It's hard to get out of denial and into reality and you're still not there.

Your initial note suggests the problem is your husband's moods. The more you elaborate, the more it's clear that the problem is that he has mood problems for sure and ambition problems and grief problems and isolation problems and education problems and maturity problems and on and on.  Time to come out of denial. This marriage is not going anywhere--except where you alone can take it. 

So yes get to therapy and strengthen yourself and start talking. Talking to family members (trusted ones) and friends and dig out old reliable friends. You have work to do--to figure out how to either improve this situation or to get out of it altogether. 

In therapy you might also need to get down to an uncomfortable matter. You're older, seemingly more balanced and mature than he is. Is there some attraction you had to a emotionally weaker, less mature man? Why didn't you choose someone more along the lines of yourself?

 

[mb2024]

Okay, so you had the first child together when you were 25 and he was 18?

Is this a case of statutory rape?

[mb2024]

Is the father of your first child (before you met your current husband) paying child support?

Was any of your children together an accident?  Did he get married so young because you got pregnant??

Why did you have yet another child together considering your situation???

Gosh, I would feel very trapped if I were in his situation.

[d0nnivain]

@lw712856

Since he envies you & presumably since you have a HS diploma or more, switch places with him.  Let him stay home & be Mr. Mom.  You become the breadwinner for the family.  

[mb2024]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm glad you will be getting counseling.  

Problem is you married an immature child.  He was never grown up enough to handle 3 kids.  He's irresponsible.  He wishes he was fancy free like his friends.  When he feels burdened by all of his responsibilities he acts out.  Only he can change this. 

You may have given birth to 3 people but you are basically mother to 4.  

Can you encourage him to get his GED?  

Respectfully, I don’t think this is a fair assessment.  The young husband was groomed into raising a family with 2 kids as an 18yo boy.  (He was only 17yo when the OP was pregnant, a minor?)

[lw712856]

28 minutes ago, mb2024 said:

Respectfully, I don’t think this is a fair assessment.  The young husband was groomed into raising a family with 2 kids as an 18yo boy.  (He was only 17yo when the OP was pregnant, a minor?)

No......he was almost 19 when we got married, he was not a minor when he got me pregnant.

[lw712856]

36 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

@lw712856

Since he envies you & presumably since you have a HS diploma or more, switch places with him.  Let him stay home & be Mr. Mom.  You become the breadwinner for the family.  

No way. When I've left him in charge for a day before the whole house was a disaster. I love what I do. The husband should be the main provider of his family in my opinion. He always claims he's the man of the house.

[lw712856]

52 minutes ago, mb2024 said:

Is the father of your first child (before you met your current husband) paying child support?

Was any of your children together an accident?  Did he get married so young because you got pregnant??

Why did you have yet another child together considering your situation???

Gosh, I would feel very trapped if I were in his situation.

None of my kids were planned, they were all blessings though.

[d0nnivain]

4 minutes ago, lw712856 said:

No way. When I've left him in charge for a day before the whole house was a disaster. I love what I do. The husband should be the main provider of his family in my opinion. He always claims he's the man of the house.

If you want to be a "trad wife" you should have fooled around with an adult with a job. Most people need 2 incomes to survive.  You don't really "love what you do" because you are on here complaining about how your husband is moody.  Now you are saying he's incapable of taking care of a house & kids.  If you want his mood to improve you are unfortunately going to have to pick up a larger laboring oar & starting bringing income into this house.  He can't handle it alone. 

Your failure to plan & having 3 kids isn't helping matters.  I really hope you are doing everything necessary to assure you don't accidently have a 4th kid.  Kids are expensive.  They may be blessing but they still need food, shelter, medical care, clothes etc. 

How you expect a guy without even a HS education to provide all that is beyond me.  It's not 1950 anymore.  The days of a SAHM with the "provider" having sporadic work (7 jobs in 10 years) with only a HS education are long gone.  

Edited April 23, 2024 by d0nnivain

[mb2024]

6 minutes ago, lw712856 said:

No way. When I've left him in charge for a day before the whole house was a disaster. I love what I do. The husband should be the main provider of his family in my opinion. He always claims he's the man of the house.

That makes you the 5th kid in the household, unfortunately!  
 

You guys need two incomes and split the housework.  

[mb2024]

6 minutes ago, lw712856 said:

None of my kids were planned, they were all blessings though.

What are you doing to avoid bringing the 6th (or more) kid to the mix?  

[lw712856]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

There is a lot of resentment and anger built up here… Unfortunately, you had children with a man who had not actually finished growing up himself. And now, as Donnivain said, you don’t truly have a partner in life (like all the other families that you think you see at the park) - you have four dependents. That breads anger and resentment. 

Glad to hear that you are going to find a counsellor, hopefully they can help you to establish some more equitable boundaries and bring some balance to your family life. At the end of the day, you will need to let go of your need to prop him up because that is going to exhaust you and destroy the relationship with all the resentment - I’m sure, felt by both partners. He is going to have to decide if he is going to step-up or if he is not going to be able to handle the responsibilities of family life… That’s his decision, you will need to accept his decision either way. It would seem that there are some really discussions to be had, with hard decisions to be made. Good luck.

So if he continually calls off work should I just ignore it and wait til he gets fired? I unfortunately cannot work right now. I'm a stay at home Mom to my toddler so it frustrates me when he thinks it's no big deal to call off.

[d0nnivain]

Just now, lw712856 said:

So if he continually calls off work should I just ignore it and wait til he gets fired? I unfortunately cannot work right now. I'm a stay at home Mom to my toddler so it frustrates me when he thinks it's no big deal to call off.

Lots of people with kids work.  If he gets fired let him stay home & you work.   

[BaileyB]

38 minutes ago, lw712856 said:

So if he continually calls off work should I just ignore it and wait til he gets fired?

Unfortunately, there is no good answer to this question. If you ignore it, he will skip work and be fired. But that said, a wife shouldn’t have to nag her husband to go to work and support his family. It’s a lose/lose scenario.

If it was me, I would be working to establish a back up plan because it’s sounds like you may well need it. I’m very sorry, but I don’t think that you have the luxury of being a stay at home mom right now - your family is at financial risk at the moment if your husband is not well and not attending work regularly. That is not only because of your husband’s struggles but also because you have made the decision to be a stay at home mother and you are seething with resentment that your husband isn’t holding up his end of the bargain. At this moment in time, if I was you, I would be looking for childcare and a way to make some money. I would do this regardless of whether your husband goes to work on any given day or not - the money I earn would go into a savings account as a safety net for the day this marriage ends.

Again, doesn’t sound like you are ready to do that - you seem more inclined to blame your husband for not pulling his weight while pouting that your life didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to turn out - like all the other stay at home mothers. 

Of course, this is just my two cents… But, what you are doing right now doesn’t seem to be working. I would kindly suggest that you consider planning for the possibility that you may be raising these children alone if things don’t magically improve…

Edited April 23, 2024 by BaileyB

[Els]

14 hours ago, lw712856 said:

I love what I do. The husband should be the main provider of his family in my opinion.

You have a lot of opinions about what he "should be" and "should do" and "should feel", but unfortunately life doesn't work that way. It is what it is - you are with a person who (understandably, IMO) feels a lot of anger and resentment over where he has ended up in life, and this will probably get worse if you're not willing to even try to empathize. He's a 28-yo who has been working dead-end jobs to support a family of 5(!!) since he was 18(!!!). Meanwhile, his friends are going to college, getting promotions, traveling, dating.

If you actually cared about this person, you would talk to him about what you could do to work through this together. You could take a job and he could be a SAHD (with the caveat that he does all the housework and childcare, of course), or you could work part-time so he could study part time and get his high school diploma, etc. You're not willing to do any of this because you "love what you do", but he doesn't love what he does. In fact, it sounds like he hates it. Yet somehow that doesn't bother you and you think he "has it great"...

14 hours ago, lw712856 said:

None of my kids were planned, they were all blessings though.

If you have 3 unplanned kids, you and your partner are doing something wrong. Did you get any sexual education at all, to learn how to use protection?

[mb2024]

Els hit the nail on the head again in her reply above!  If you really care about your husband and genuinely want to improve your situation, I suggest you to read and re-read her comments until they get through your head.

It appears that you had this dream of becoming a stay-at-home mom and imposed your dream on a young boy.  (Yeah, a 18yo is still just a kid in this time and age!)

Also, you have avoided the question: is your first kid’s father in the picture at all?  Were you ever married??

Good luck.

[stillafool]

On 4/22/2024 at 6:11 PM, lw712856 said:

Why do you say it won't last...? Just because there are issues in a marriage doesn't mean it won't last. 

I would say because he's never been with anyone else, he's 28, stuck with you and 3 kids and for him the future doesn't look too bright.  No at this point in your life you cannot afford to be a stay at home mom.  Maybe you should go to work and let him stay home with the baby and go to school online so he can qualify for a job that pays more.  In this economy, being a stay at home mom is a luxury you guys can't afford.