There are only very few fights, but they are nasty

[brokenbird]

Hello everyone!

This part is for the people who already know my threads. As I mentioned in my previous threads, the sexual problems all happen inside of my mind, I dont nag him about any of those thoughts that I share with you. It is important to understand this, because I could see why you would say 'ah, its not enough they argue about sex, they argue about everything else'. So again, everything you have read before, those things build up in my head and my head only, I dont go around talking about those thoughts with him and we certainly dont argue or fight about it. 

I would like to ask for your advices, because last time you could put me in my place and that really helped to see things in a better way. I wish I could send out chocolate or champagne to thank the therapy you provide, the one that I cant get in my country.

Let's talk about arguements, the frequency of them and their types. I think arguements are neccessary to build character within the relationship. But fights definitely should be avoided. We do argue (please understand language barrior, for me arguing means that we think differently but we can either compromise or agree to disagree) on a weekly basis and I like those arguements because we get to know each other's mind in a healthy way. We always end up with 'i didn't know you think like that/feel like that, now I understand'. These little misunderstandings really helped along the years. However, about once a month, a misunderstanding turns into stupid word vomiting and hurting each other. Something is certain : we both try to make ourselves understood, but in different ways. My boyfriend has a hard time with words and he cant admit it. Here is an example. I asked him to join me for cuddles because I have been lonely these days. He told me exactly this, 'If I cuddle you for 20 minutes, I cant go and sit down gaming'. I dont know you guys, but for me, it means that he cant go play if he spends that time with me, hence this is what he said. I told him it didn't feel so good that he would rather spend that time gaming, but feel free to go, I had to sleep anyway. Here comes the funny part. He rushed to the computer, typed in a few words then came back to me. I asked what that was. He said 'I told you I just need to do something so I can play later when you sleep'. If you read again what he said first, you can see that this is not what he said, but what he said to himself in his head, and he feels like I am supposed to get what he means when he says something completely different. I tried to explain to him that if I didnt say a word just accepted what he first said, I would have gone to sleep thinking he didn't want to spend time with me. This conversation went on for 10 minutes, me trying to explain that he should be more specific and him telling me that I should know what he means and even if I dont understand him, I could have just waited and see that he came back to me. He kept on talking over me, and I felt attacked, so I yelled 'stop talking over me' and he yelled back something truly mean, something like 'shut up', but in my language it is more like 'shut the f up' but obviously language difference happens there and no f word is involved. I went silent to indicate that this was hurtful and not okay. Nothing. I asked him what that was. Nothing. I asked him to repeat what he just said. He told me no. I asked again, and he said he wouldnt repeat it because it was not nice.  I felt like that rage I feel when I am on my period comes,so I wanted to step out before anything meaner happens. He didn't let me go on a walk in the middle of the night (btw I just wanted to go to the garden which I did say to him,so I can breath a bit and I can be calm for us again, this is what you suggested me to do whenever I feel like going beserk) and he kept saying that I am pushy and that I cant stop talking when I should and thats why it came out. Still no apology. I told him if I dont go outside, I wont be nice. He still told me to not do it because I have work tomorrow. And I was right, I started feeling so anxious that I threw MY stuff across the room. I tried to convince him it wouldnt end well if he just couldnt admit he had gone too far and if he couldnt stop talking, it would have just escalated more, but he still felt like I am the one in the wrong. I was at the beginning, when I saw he doesnt feel like there is a problem with his way of explaining, I should have just shut the f up. But after that, I feel like I was not in the wrong. 

So things like this happen maybe once a month. Every time we promise something that we keep for a month, or we do keep it, just another thing comes up (in this case that not nice thing he said). And that month is honestly good enough that even though the things about what my previous thread comes up in me, we are happy. I finally felt like I have a good partnership with him. I have been feeling the trust again. We had good communication, we laugh much more and intimacy is great. He finally felt comfortable enough to talk about engagement, especially after you guys enlightened me about the ED stuff, I told him he can feel safe with me because now I understand everything. So basically we stepped up and finally worked as a functional and happy couple. 

@NuevoYorko Since you said you follow my journey, I feel like you would have something to say. I just go aheand and ask. What is it that we have such a good time for weeks, we handle disagreements the best way possible, but once in a while one goes crazy and hurts the other ? What should be done different? 

Please, before you suggest anything, ask me. I cant put every single detain in a paragraph. Im willing to accept any criticism, but not degrading. Thann you!

[NuevoYorko]

You go to great lengths to insist that all of your issues with him take place inside of your head,  and now go on to say that you argue regularly and these arguments frequently turn into ugly fights.

The example you give, though not about sex per se, is still about the familiar topic:  your need for attention on demand ON YOUR TERMS.  

You give a very clear impression of a relationship where the other person doesn't have autonomy.  

Yes, I have followed your threads.  You've given a lot of examples of things like this where you give him "permission" to do something and it's always very hard won.  He does not exist in a situation where he knows he is free to do, to think, etc. what he chooses because you are always there to exert your controls.  

You appear to be incompatible.  Compatible people do not have to argue all the time to learn about each other.  Many arguments are power struggles.  In your case I believe they are just one more way to keep the guy paying attention to you.  "Any attention is good attention" from your perspective.

But ti's toxic.

[brokenbird]

41 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

You go to great lengths to insist that all of your issues with him take place inside of your head,  and now go on to say that you argue regularly and these arguments frequently turn into ugly fights.

The example you give, though not about sex per se, is still about the familiar topic:  your need for attention on demand ON YOUR TERMS.  

You give a very clear impression of a relationship where the other person doesn't have autonomy.  

Yes, I have followed your threads.  You've given a lot of examples of things like this where you give him "permission" to do something and it's always very hard won.  He does not exist in a situation where he knows he is free to do, to think, etc. what he chooses because you are always there to exert your controls.  

You appear to be incompatible.  Compatible people do not have to argue all the time to learn about each other.  Many arguments are power struggles.  In your case I believe they are just one more way to keep the guy paying attention to you.  "Any attention is good attention" from your perspective.

But ti's toxic.

This is why I was scared to use the word argue. It would have been better to just say 'he thinks something in version a, I think it in version b, we share it, and we understand the other more. Also this for sure was reassured by a therapist of mine, that disagreeing and then compromising is a good and healthy thing. 

I asked yall to ask and not assume. He does have the right to decide what he does with his time, that is the exact reason I have been feeling lonely lately. Because he chose to tinker with his cars, help relatives, have game nights, etc. I have waited for my time to come patiently. What I mean by that is I didn't say a single word about him doing his business all week, I just gave him the adult right to decide to come when he wants to. 

What's funny to me is what you said is more likely to be a trait of his and not mine. I try to step out when I feel like the arguement is pointless, and when I pull away, he comes after me. I often tell him 'look at you trying to argue more and more when I finished 10 minutes ago '. I dont like unhealthy attention, he does. 

So again, it was friday, 11pm. For 5 whole days of this week I let him do his thing without a single word. You are tired and would rather hang in your chair instead of spending some time with me? Fine, feel free. But friday afternoon he texted me he missed me so I did get my hopes up of spending some time with him that night. Which he intented to do, he just cant form a logical sentence. 

I am big on apologising. After our talk here, I told him I was sorry for misunderstanding how his body worked and I shouldnt have made him feel ashamed or uneasy. If he could just said sorry shouldnt have said that, I could have just be gone with my life and this relationship. But he chose to explain every unneccesary detail when I have given 4 different chances to admit it was s***ty to say what he said.

[BaileyB]

It’s clear to me that you have not learned to self regulate your own emotions - you expect your partner to help you to calm when you are anxious or upset, among other things…

It’s something that we all learn as we mature, each of us is responsible for our own mental health. The example of the fight that you gave was clearly you - placing expectations on your boyfriend to help you to regulate your emotions and then criticizing his communication when he did not do as you please. You stop the fights when you stop placing unspoken or spoken expectations on your partner in this way.

I’ve heard it said that the single biggest predictor of whether a relationship will last or end is not whether a couple fights, but how they fight. When a disagreement occurs, when it devolves into name calling, character attacks, and when people are not allowed to keep their dignity - that is a sure sign that it’s not a healthy relationship and it will not last. I would suggest that you do not allow him to keep his dignity - when he went to his computer and came back to you and you criticized him for something so insignificant - you did not allow him to keep his dignity. And then clearly, when he yells disrespectful phrases at you, that is not a respectful or dignified way to treat  partner. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

You give a very clear impression of a relationship where the other person doesn't have autonomy.  

Yes, I have followed your threads.  You've given a lot of examples of things like this where you give him "permission" to do something and it's always very hard won.  He does not exist in a situation where he knows he is free to do, to think, etc. what he chooses because you are always there to exert your controls.  

Exactly true.

In this example, you gave him “permission” to do his own thing all week. When he said that he missed you, you set the expectation that you would spend some time together. And then, when that didn’t happen the way you expected/wanted it to happen, you criticized him. He, rightfully, is frustrated and angry with you - thus, the argument that devolved into name calling. And now, you are angry with him because he didn’t apologize to your in the way you expect him to do - after a fight that you instigated. 

These are control issues. You have a lot unspoken, and sometimes spoken, expectations. And your expectations, in part because you expect your partner to regulate your emotions among other things, are not compatible with a healthy relationship. 

Edited April 20 by BaileyB

[brokenbird]

25 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Exactly true.

In this example, you gave him “permission” to do his own thing all week. When he said that he missed you, you set the expectation that you would spend some time together. And then, when that didn’t happen the way you expected/wanted it to happen, you criticized him. He, rightfully, is frustrated and angry with you - thus, the argument that devolved into name calling. And now, you are angry with him because he didn’t apologize to your in the way you expect him to do - after a fight that you instigated. 

These are control issues. You have a lot unspoken, and sometimes spoken, expectations. And your expectations, in part because you expect your partner to regulate your emotions among other things, are not compatible with a healthy relationship. 

I feel like every time someone posts, its always them who are the bad guy. How is it giving permisson? I could have said it any way and I would be the controlling one. If I would be controlling, I couldnt go a week without accepting his decisions. I cant react to that, Im sorry. 

Also, I dont really get how is it acceptable to say shut the f up justbecause he gets overwhelmed. Even if I was wrong, he should have just apologised immediately, like I do when I raise my voice a bit

[brokenbird]

38 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s clear to me that you have not learned to self regulate your own emotions - you expect your partner to help you to calm when you are anxious or upset, among other things…

It’s something that we all learn as we mature, each of us is responsible for our own mental health. The example of the fight that you gave was clearly you - placing expectations on your boyfriend to help you to regulate your emotions and then criticizing his communication when he did not do as you please. You stop the fights when you stop placing unspoken or spoken expectations on your partner in this way.

I’ve heard it said that the single biggest predictor of whether a relationship will last or end is not whether a couple fights, but how they fight. When a disagreement occurs, when it devolves into name calling, character attacks, and when people are not allowed to keep their dignity - that is a sure sign that it’s not a healthy relationship and it will not last. I would suggest that you do not allow him to keep his dignity - when he went to his computer and came back to you and you criticized him for something so insignificant - you did not allow him to keep his dignity. And then clearly, when he yells disrespectful phrases at you, that is not a respectful or dignified way to treat  partner. 

You are right with this part. I tried to regulate myself by going for fresh air but he didn't let me. That is when it worsened. I was abused as a kid so when someone hurts me emotionally, I hurt myself physically. That is why I came up with walking outside. That is a 100% guarantee I wont touch myself agressively. It has always worked. Obviously if I am locked inside , I cant regulate with my routine. I know I should come up with an inside solution too, but abuse doesnt just go away easily. I wouldnt feel so hurt by those nasty words if we werent on the path of respect the past one year. We came a long way and yet a step back

[Gaeta]

What I am reading is none of you are happy. I am not reading love, patience, understanding between the lines here. You need a lot of attention in a relationship and you're trying to impose that on a man that has a need for individuality. 

No, it's not normal to 'debate' every week and have a fights every month. That says you are  not compatible, you have different needs and you are unable to love your partner the way they need to be loved (both ways here).

Sure you're needy. You're not the last needy person on earth, there are men who are able to date needy women, who prefer needy women, there are men capable of having fusional relationships, you need one of those men. 

Edited April 20 by Gaeta

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, brokenbird said:

 

So again, it was friday, 11pm. For 5 whole days of this week I let him do his thing without a single word.

There you go.  You LET him.  This is not the way it works in any healthy relationships.   

If he would prefer to play on his computer or with his cars to spending time with you, and you are not getting your needs met,  and of course let us not overlook the fact that you argue all the time and also have brutal fights - what does this tell you?

YOU ARE NOT COMPATIBLE AND THIS RELATIONSHIP IS BROKEN.

[Gebidozo]

OP,  remember that “ED thread” where I told you that I understood your feelings, but that you were still wrong? And you thanked me and said that was helpful?

Well, I’m going to say that again. I’m similar to you. I like control and attention. So please understand this: if you want to have those things, you need to stop pushing your BF away. Ask yourself: did he become more attentive to you, more precise in his verbal communication, more considerate after you bothered him about some poorly chosen words? Was it worth it? I think the answer is obvious.

I’m not saying that his behavior is fine. Yelling and saying “shut up” is not ok. But haven’t you pushed him towards that behavior with your controlling attitude?

Try to relax and stop demanding things from him. Let him breathe. Then see if he becomes nicer to you. At least try it as an experiment.

[NuevoYorko]

31 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

I feel like every time someone posts, its always them who are the bad guy.

For one thing, you are the only person giving their perspective, so that is the one we are able to talk about.   Your boyfriend may be awful.  We don't know.  What we do know is that your behavior, which you've told us about, is a relationship killer.  Awful guy or good guy, makes little difference.

You have a lot of threads and they are almost all very much the same.  The responses you get are similar.  You have some well established patterns of self-talk which you repeat here that allow you to justify all of your behavior because your bf "needs" to be better, do better, etc.

31 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

 

How is it giving permisson?

You LET him do what he wants.  That is a completely precise example of you giving permission.  

You do need to be with a guy who would live to make you happy, but even if you found such a guy I'm afraid that as of today, your "needs" are a bottomless pit.   I'm glad you are in therapy.   I hope you will gain self awareness.  From there you can learn to fulfill yourself and not be in relationships with people who you need to train and control to do what you want so you can be "happy."  You will never be happy in those circumstances.   Neither will the other person, who will never be "enough."

[Gebidozo]

34 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

I feel like every time someone posts, its always them who are the bad guy

I had that impression too when I first posted here.

I felt those LS people were just mercilessly ganging up on me.

Then I realized they were not. They were just being brutally honest. And they helped me see that I was in the wrong. 

The reason for that impression is that OPs often post stuff in order to get their pre-formed opinion confirmed. Deep down, they aren’t sure that they are right. And they want other people to tell them they are.

But the people here see through that. And they give real, hard advice, not some fake consolation.

 

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

But haven’t you pushed him towards that behavior with your controlling attitude?

I have a problem with this. 

No one controls anyone's behavior. 

This is like telling a woman if a man hits her it's because she annoyes him. 

It's the equivalent of 'be pretty and shut up' if you want your man to love you. 

[brokenbird]

2 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

You LET him do what he wants.  That is a completely precise example of you giving permission.  

Now its clear you are hung up on words. I dont know any other way to tell you that I let him be. Its pointless to try and explain.

Its clear we want to stay together, so maybe if you really put this much time into my case, you could advise me on how that should work 

10 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

haven’t you pushed him towards that behavior with your controlling attitude?

I did, but not with any controlling. I simply stated that there was no way I would have thought about what he really meant, and he was sure what he said was obvious.

 

[brokenbird]

14 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I had that impression too when I first posted here.

I felt those LS people were just mercilessly ganging up on me.

Then I realized they were not. They were just being brutally honest. And they helped me see that I was in the wrong. 

The reason for that impression is that OPs often post stuff in order to get their pre-formed opinion confirmed. Deep down, they aren’t sure that they are right. And they want other people to tell them they are.

But the people here see through that. And they give real, hard advice, not some fake consolation.

 

You are right, but many times what others suggest is not true. If I have a feeling inside me that says 'its ok, he does his thing and Im sure he will come around when he has time for me', then no one can tell me 'i give him permission '.  

Also, he can be the pushy one. There was a time when he got mad at me because he planned a vacation without me knowing and I texted him I planned something. I told him I had no idea he planned a vacay that week, but suggested that if one of them had to be cancelled, it should be the one he chose because that was too expensive. He got even more mad because his connections would be ruined since the vacation would have happened through a relative. I stepped out of that convo because it was obvious he just wanted to argue, but he continued texting to the point where he was mean even when I arrived home. Next day I told him this was the only time I accepted this behaviour and he admitted it was a turning point for him and he never wants to act like that again. Since that happened, this was the only out of place thing he did, I mean the shut up thing

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, brokenbird said:

Its clear we want to stay together,

I fully understand what you meant by 'you let him' it's just an expression. It means you did not seek his attention for 5 days and he chose to do other things than focusing on you. So my question to you is: Why do you want to be with a man that, given the choice, would pick to do anything else but spend time with you?  *Normal* boyfriends would not chose to focus on games for 5 days straight, they would be sensitive enough to dedicate time to their girlfriend because they would have *a need* to be with their girlfriend, a need stronger than gaming, or going out with their buddies. So again why do you want to be with a man like that? A man that constantly keeps you in a state of emotional turmoil. 

It always amazes me how women pick their partner. Women being abused will often pick another abuser, women needing a lot of attention will pick a man don't give a heck about them, women fearing cheating will pick another cheater. You picked the wrong man for your needs. 

 

[Gebidozo]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I have a problem with this. 

No one controls anyone's behavior. 

This is like telling a woman if a man hits her it's because she annoyes him. 

It's the equivalent of 'be pretty and shut up' if you want your man to love you. 

Of course yelling at her was wrong of him, but I understand how her behavior could annoy him. I do think he should apologize for yelling, but it’s better for the OP to focus on her own problems.

 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

There was a time when he got mad at me because he planned a vacation without me knowing

I rest my case. 

He is not connected to you. He does not 'need' you. He's not even informing you of his vacation time. You are not 'a couple' for this man. 

[brokenbird]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I fully understand what you meant by 'you let him' it's just an expression. It means you did not seek his attention for 5 days and he chose to do other things than focusing on you. So my question to you is: Why do you want to be with a man that, given the choice, would pick to do anything else but spend time with you?  *Normal* boyfriends would not chose to focus on games for 5 days straight, they would be sensitive enough to dedicate time to their girlfriend because they would have *a need* to be with their girlfriend, a need stronger than gaming, or going out with their buddies. So again why do you want to be with a man like that? A man that constantly keeps you in a state of emotional turmoil. 

It always amazes me how women pick their partner. Women being abused will often pick another abuser, women needing a lot of attention will pick a man don't give a heck about them, women fearing cheating will pick another cheater. You picked the wrong man for your needs. 

 

I see how I indicated that this is the case. Let me give you a walkthrough with this week as an answer. He has the afternoon shift and I work 12 hour shift. This means that I was at work on monday, we didn't meet that day. On tuesday and wednesday I was at home. Tuesday he had to grab something from the other town, so we had like 2 hours together when we watched an episode and we had private time. He went to work after that. On wednesday he had to help his grandpa with something that the old man could definitely do by himself, he is just known for using people. On thursday I was at work, didn't meet. Friday came and his father asked him to help fix his car, right after he had to finish his own car, so we didn't meet. He came home at 11pm, we talked for 20 mins, he had a shower, came to hug me and after that you know the story

[brokenbird]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I rest my case. 

He is not connected to you. He does not 'need' you. He's not even informing you of his vacation time. You are not 'a couple' for this man. 

No, he planned a trip for us because I told him we should do something this summer. But he felt like he wanted to be a man and plan everything ahead and just tell me the full story 

[d0nnivain]

You are the one throwing gasoline on the fire, not him.  You are making things worse.   The long silences are destructive not helpful.  There is a lot of passive aggressive BS in here on both your parts.  

First vocabulary.  You call these sessions where you have different points of view "arguments".  Stop.  You do distinguish them from fights & I do understand the distinction.  These are not fights.  They are debates.  Debates & discussions are just fine.  As you said, that is how you learn more about your partner.   If you reframe these in a positive manner it may help deescalate the other conflicts.  It will help you both practice your listening skills.  Those seem to be missing from your relationship.  

I'll give you an example from my own marriage.  My husband is a veteran.  I do not like guns.  I'm sure you can see where this is going.  So we debate.  We try to understand the other one:  his use of a tool & my fear.  We compromised:  I took some lessons.  We got a sophisticated gun safe.  

When you have a misunderstanding & whatever is going on is frustrating to you that is when you have to step back & think what am I missing here?  Don't just keep attacking & pushing for your way without considering the other person's point of view.  Think "why?" are they doing this & see if you can find a reason that makes sense to you.  

When somebody starts to talk over you, a better tactic is to stop talking rather than trying to control the conversation & take over yourself.  It's hard in the heat of the moment.  Let the other person go on & when they stop talking you say "can I speak now?"  That question usually takes the wind out of their sails.  

In the middle of this issue over his game play you said you went silent to convey that you were hurt & his behavior / words were unacceptable.   I don't know about that.  Silence is so easy to misinterpret.  He may have thought your silence was acquiescence, meaning you agreed with him.   When something is unacceptable you need to say "that's not OK."  By not speaking your truth you are expecting him to read your mind & then getting mad at him when he doesn't.  That is totally unfair. 

When you asked him to repeat whatever nasty thing he said during the fight & he refused, admitting that it was too nasty that was him trying to deescalate.  He knew whatever he said was too much & when you asked him to repeat it that jarred him back to reality rather than the heat of the moment when the nasty popped out.  It's not great that he didn't have control of himself or his words but you getting madder at that point didn't help.  It was your cue to dial it back too.  You didn't.  You got madder. 

I understand that you were more frustrated when you wanted to engage in your healing ritual of walking outside but he didn't want you to go out.  Your response to start throwing things around the room was on you not him.  You need to find a plan B when you can't walk.   In a calmer moment you need to talk to him about your need to walk so next time you are upset he doesn't block you from going out.  While you were upset about that decision, from where I sit, he was expressing concern for your well being & safety.  He didn't want you to be tired the next day & he had concerns about you wandering about at night, 

With respect to the vacation that is an indication of poor communication.  When both parties work surprising somebody with a vacation is rarely a good idea.   That said, it doesn't seem like either of you are big on compromise.  Yes, your idea to cancel something expensive was valid but once you were told there was more than money at stake that was your cue to take that into consideration & show some gratitude for the effort & kindness he was trying to show. 

Compromise is not a dirty word.  It's a way that both people get some but maybe not all of what they want.  

Again, from my own life.  DH goes to bed much later than I do but I feel rejected & unloved sometimes when he doesn't come to bed with me. We found a compromise.  If I need cuddles he come upstairs with me & hangs out until I fall asleep.  Then he goes back downstairs to game or surf the internet or whatever else he does.  We both get what we want.  Can you talk to your guy about something like that? 

Overall to improve your relationship, the only thing you can control is yourself.  You seem to have a hair trigger at times & an inability to see anybody else's perspective.  If you can find a way to be more gentle with others you should be able to manage some of these issues more effectively.  

 

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

I see how I indicated that this is the case. Let me give you a walkthrough with this week as an answer. He has the afternoon shift and I work 12 hour shift. This means that I was at work on monday, we didn't meet that day. On tuesday and wednesday I was at home. Tuesday he had to grab something from the other town, so we had like 2 hours together when we watched an episode and we had private time. He went to work after that. On wednesday he had to help his grandpa with something that the old man could definitely do by himself, he is just known for using people. On thursday I was at work, didn't meet. Friday came and his father asked him to help fix his car, right after he had to finish his own car, so we didn't meet. He came home at 11pm, we talked for 20 mins, he had a shower, came to hug me and after that you know the story

How is that him being a bad boyfriend? So life got in the way this week, he had sh$t to take care of and people to help. You should be proud of him for being  a helpful man.  You want him to not help his father to be with you?

[brokenbird]

Just now, Gaeta said:

How is that him being a bad boyfriend? So life got in the way this week, he had sh$t to take care of and people to help. You should be proud of him for being  a helpful man.  You want him to not help his father to be with you?

It does not. I never implied that this was bad in any way, I think the way I put it was that he had a lot to do this week so I got lonely, but I "let him" do his thing and didn't nag him with my loneliness. I also know that gaming ,with the same game he plays since 10 years, is a safe place for him, so he likes to spend a few hours with that every week and to be honest,I am fine with that, I just wish he didn't had so much to do that gaming wouldnt seem so overpowering, but obviously this is not his fault, rather his relatives' that try to stretch him in 5 different ways

[Gebidozo]

18 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

I see how I indicated that this is the case. Let me give you a walkthrough with this week as an answer. He has the afternoon shift and I work 12 hour shift. This means that I was at work on monday, we didn't meet that day. On tuesday and wednesday I was at home. Tuesday he had to grab something from the other town, so we had like 2 hours together when we watched an episode and we had private time. He went to work after that. On wednesday he had to help his grandpa with something that the old man could definitely do by himself, he is just known for using people. On thursday I was at work, didn't meet. Friday came and his father asked him to help fix his car, right after he had to finish his own car, so we didn't meet. He came home at 11pm, we talked for 20 mins, he had a shower, came to hug me and after that you know the story

Honestly, I don’t see anything criminal here.

So he was busy, he had work to do, he helped his family members. Why is this bad? 

That part you wrote about his Grandpa is unkind. Come on. The old man probably just wanted to spend some time with his grandson, and you say he is “known for using people”. Don’t be mean.

[brokenbird]

28 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are the one throwing gasoline on the fire, not him.  You are making things worse.   The long silences are destructive not helpful.  There is a lot of passive aggressive BS in here on both your parts.  

First vocabulary.  You call these sessions where you have different points of view "arguments".  Stop.  You do distinguish them from fights & I do understand the distinction.  These are not fights.  They are debates.  Debates & discussions are just fine.  As you said, that is how you learn more about your partner.   If you reframe these in a positive manner it may help deescalate the other conflicts.  It will help you both practice your listening skills.  Those seem to be missing from your relationship.  

I'll give you an example from my own marriage.  My husband is a veteran.  I do not like guns.  I'm sure you can see where this is going.  So we debate.  We try to understand the other one:  his use of a tool & my fear.  We compromised:  I took some lessons.  We got a sophisticated gun safe.  

When you have a misunderstanding & whatever is going on is frustrating to you that is when you have to step back & think what am I missing here?  Don't just keep attacking & pushing for your way without considering the other person's point of view.  Think "why?" are they doing this & see if you can find a reason that makes sense to you.  

When somebody starts to talk over you, a better tactic is to stop talking rather than trying to control the conversation & take over yourself.  It's hard in the heat of the moment.  Let the other person go on & when they stop talking you say "can I speak now?"  That question usually takes the wind out of their sails.  

In the middle of this issue over his game play you said you went silent to convey that you were hurt & his behavior / words were unacceptable.   I don't know about that.  Silence is so easy to misinterpret.  He may have thought your silence was acquiescence, meaning you agreed with him.   When something is unacceptable you need to say "that's not OK."  By not speaking your truth you are expecting him to read your mind & then getting mad at him when he doesn't.  That is totally unfair. 

When you asked him to repeat whatever nasty thing he said during the fight & he refused, admitting that it was too nasty that was him trying to deescalate.  He knew whatever he said was too much & when you asked him to repeat it that jarred him back to reality rather than the heat of the moment when the nasty popped out.  It's not great that he didn't have control of himself or his words but you getting madder at that point didn't help.  It was your cue to dial it back too.  You didn't.  You got madder. 

I understand that you were more frustrated when you wanted to engage in your healing ritual of walking outside but he didn't want you to go out.  Your response to start throwing things around the room was on you not him.  You need to find a plan B when you can't walk.   In a calmer moment you need to talk to him about your need to walk so next time you are upset he doesn't block you from going out.  While you were upset about that decision, from where I sit, he was expressing concern for your well being & safety.  He didn't want you to be tired the next day & he had concerns about you wandering about at night, 

With respect to the vacation that is an indication of poor communication.  When both parties work surprising somebody with a vacation is rarely a good idea.   That said, it doesn't seem like either of you are big on compromise.  Yes, your idea to cancel something expensive was valid but once you were told there was more than money at stake that was your cue to take that into consideration & show some gratitude for the effort & kindness he was trying to show. 

Compromise is not a dirty word.  It's a way that both people get some but maybe not all of what they want.  

Again, from my own life.  DH goes to bed much later than I do but I feel rejected & unloved sometimes when he doesn't come to bed with me. We found a compromise.  If I need cuddles he come upstairs with me & hangs out until I fall asleep.  Then he goes back downstairs to game or surf the internet or whatever else he does.  We both get what we want.  Can you talk to your guy about something like that? 

Overall to improve your relationship, the only thing you can control is yourself.  You seem to have a hair trigger at times & an inability to see anybody else's perspective.  If you can find a way to be more gentle with others you should be able to manage some of these issues more effectively.  

 

I cant even say more than just thank you! You are right in everything, I dont see any need to debate or argue