There are only very few fights, but they are nasty

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

It does not. I never implied that this was bad in any way, I think the way I put it was that he had a lot to do this week so I got lonely, but I "let him" do his thing and didn't nag him with my loneliness. I also know that gaming ,with the same game he plays since 10 years, is a safe place for him, so he likes to spend a few hours with that every week and to be honest,I am fine with that, I just wish he didn't had so much to do that gaming wouldnt seem so overpowering, but obviously this is not his fault, rather his relatives' that try to stretch him in 5 different ways

You could find ways to handle your loneliness. You cannot make him the responsible one for your happiness while you're apart.

My boyfriend is a very busy man and we only get to spend a weekend together every other weekend and the occasional week night visit. Of course l miss him but l fill my evenings with things l enjoy. Life is not only about having a boyfriend.

[brokenbird]

15 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Honestly, I don’t see anything criminal here.

So he was busy, he had work to do, he helped his family members. Why is this bad? 

That part you wrote about his Grandpa is unkind. Come on. The old man probably just wanted to spend some time with his grandson, and you say he is “known for using people”. Don’t be mean.

Oh no, I did not come up with it, his relatives say that and Im passing their word forward. That man doesnt care about anyone, he talks in a disgusting way about everyone, he even called me a 'crazy p**ssy' once, as in genitalia, just because I have bought a pet that he didn't like. He is indeed a mean person 

[brokenbird]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You could find ways to handle your loneliness. You cannot make him the responsible one for your happiness while you're apart.

My boyfriend is a very busy man and we only get to spend a weekend together every other weekend and the occasional week night visit. Of course l miss him but l fill my evenings with things l enjoy. Life is not only about having a boyfriend.

You are right, but I wasnt lonely as in needing human closeness, but lonely as lonely for him. I have friends, I have my mom,my brother. I just needed a few hugs and kisses. 

 

As I am writing you guys from work, he texted me 'sorry for the shut up thing, that was not nice'. Something I didn't say before because it seemed pointless is that I told him we should break up if there is no respect every single day, because 29 out of 30 days is not enough. He probably still wants to make up instead of breaking up. Im not surprised since he gave me a talk last week about how he is ready to propose now,he was not before but now he is sure he wants to make things work. Well, I guess that is why I am here too

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

Oh no, I did not come up with it, his relatives say that and Im passing their word forward. That man doesnt care about anyone, he talks in a disgusting way about everyone, he even called me a 'crazy p**ssy' once, as in genitalia, just because I have bought a pet that he didn't like. He is indeed a mean person 

But he is your bf's grand pa, it's their relationship and it's not up to you to decide if it's a worthy relationship for your bf. If you don't like grand pa then stay away from grand pa.

[Gebidozo]

5 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

Oh no, I did not come up with it, his relatives say that and Im passing their word forward. That man doesnt care about anyone, he talks in a disgusting way about everyone, he even called me a 'crazy p**ssy' once, as in genitalia, just because I have bought a pet that he didn't like. He is indeed a mean person 

Oh… sorry. That’s really mean of him, I agree.

It’s still nice of your BF to go and help him, though. He probably has a kind heart.

[brokenbird]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

But he is your bf's grand pa, it's their relationship and it's not up to you to decide if it's a worthy relationship for your bf. If you don't like grand pa then stay away from grand pa.

He feels like this, honestly Im just channeling the things he says because I do actually avoid his grandpa. He always complains about how he had enough of his old man using him for everything while giving back not even a kind word.

[brokenbird]

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

Oh… sorry. That’s really mean of him, I agree.

It’s still nice of your BF to go and help him, though. He probably has a kind heart.

He is a smart guy, my boyfriend. He cares about connections more than I do. There was a thread of mine where I was adviced to be more like him, to not try to protect myself with words all the time and be more like him. I used to stand up for everyone like a fighter, and it was hard for me to get used to him not saying a word when someone insults me or him. He feels like it is pointless and I do see that its nice I try to protect everyone with my words, but this never changed sh***y people into good ones. He thinks about peace more than standing up. That is why he rather helps than listen to their yapping 

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

What I am reading is none of you are happy. I am not reading love, patience, understanding between the lines here. You need a lot of attention in a relationship and you're trying to impose that on a man that has a need for individuality. 

No, it's not normal to 'debate' every week and have a fights every month. That says you are  not compatible, you have different needs and you are unable to love your partner the way they need to be loved (both ways here).

Sure you're needy. You're not the last needy person on earth, there are men who are able to date needy women, who prefer needy women, there are men capable of having fusional relationships, you need one of those men. 

I agree with^^^ this 100% my thoughts exactly. You can put sugar on how you handle things in your relationship all you want, but none of it reads "healthy". You have a misconception of what proper communication is in a relationship. Debating, disagreeing, or whatever says to me you don't have well meaning communication. When you don't have that you both don't understand each other nor do you or him feel supported or heard. ATM you are incompatible on expectations. This is where honest, non threatening communications are needed. He wants time to do his gaming...OK then you both schedule time to have date nights or an allotted time to spend together for a half hour for quality time together. If you can't work something out like that, that satisfies both parties, you need to leave this relationship and find someone that suites your needs and wants that this BF can't.

[d0nnivain]

It's not really about who is smart or not.  It's not about communication but it is about compatibility.  You have differing priorities.  You have different styles.  

At present without wholesale changes, marrying is not a great idea.   You two won't make it until you master how to handle whatever conflicts you have-- the big stuff & the small stuff.  The big stuff doesn't come up that often but the daily stuff will rip you apart because it happens repeatedly.  

I once read that a good relationship isn't 50/50.  It's 100/100.  There had to be tremendous overlap on your points (plural) of connection.  That way if somebody slips you are more connected than not.  Try this visual / exercise.  Touch your two index fingers together.  Then pull back 1/2 inch (or 1 cm depending on your preferred system).  When you pull back your fingers no longer touch.  Now hold your hands upright like you are praying, fingers to fingers, palm to palm.  Slide one hand up or down a bit.  Your hands are still touching more than not.   I don't see that level of over overlap, of unwavering & unconditional support for the other in your relationship at present.  I'm not saying you can't get there.  I am saying that you are not there at present.  You have a lot of work to do before you marry.   

 

[brokenbird]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I have a problem with this. 

No one controls anyone's behavior. 

This is like telling a woman if a man hits her it's because she annoyes him. 

It's the equivalent of 'be pretty and shut up' if you want your man to love you. 

Yup. He just texted me saying that he talks like that because I get him mad. Fun excuse

[Gaeta]

31 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

Yup. He just texted me saying that he talks like that because I get him mad. Fun excuse

The proposal should be off the table. You both have issues that need to be addressed before jumping in a marriage. Being married to the wrong person is hell compared to dating the wrong person. 

[Alpacalia]

I have no inkling about your prior thread\s - happened upon this at random.

I'm a little unclear.  One month things are good, onto the next month, and then, out of the blue, your bf "cheats" on you in a video game you guys play... but he says he wasn't cheating because it was more challenging that way, (or whatever else he rationalized)... and this has happened more than once?

These arguments come about due to...?  Misunderstandings or having been?  by the way - going through my mind all kinds of scenarios of how and what could be so contentious.  I came up with - childish communication.  I'm sorry.  That was unhelpful... but maybe that's it...  Childish communication, faulty communication, frustrating communication.

Complicated by language barriers.

I'd like to think, that these "rules of engagement" - no arguing after 9 pm, no personal attacks, etc...  are things you shouldn't really have to spell out for one another.  But, as evidenced by your bf in this short, and stern reminder.

The thing is, when either of you state "rules" it really comes off as one or both partners being immature.

[basil67]

12 hours ago, brokenbird said:

Here is an example. I asked him to join me for cuddles because I have been lonely these days. He told me exactly this, 'If I cuddle you for 20 minutes, I cant go and sit down gaming'. I dont know you guys, but for me, it means that he cant go play if he spends that time with me, hence this is what he said. I told him it didn't feel so good that he would rather spend that time gaming, but feel free to go, I had to sleep anyway. Here comes the funny part. He rushed to the computer, typed in a few words then came back to me. I asked what that was. He said 'I told you I just need to do something so I can play later when you sleep'. If you read again what he said first, you can see that this is not what he said, but what he said to himself in his head, and he feels like I am supposed to get what he means when he says something completely different. I tried to explain to him that if I didnt say a word just accepted what he first said, I would have gone to sleep thinking he didn't want to spend time with me. This conversation went on for 10 minutes, me trying to explain that he should be more specific and him telling me that I should know what he means and even if I dont understand him, I could have just waited and see that he came back to me. He kept on talking over me, and I felt attacked, so I yelled 'stop talking over me' and he yelled back something truly mean, something like 'shut up', but in my language it is more like 'shut the f up' but obviously language difference happens there and no f word is involved. I went silent to indicate that this was hurtful and not okay. Nothing. I asked him what that was. Nothing. I asked him to repeat what he just said. He told me no. I asked again, and he said he wouldnt repeat it because it was not nice.  I felt like that rage I feel when I am on my period comes,so I wanted to step out before anything meaner happens. He didn't let me go on a walk in the middle of the night (btw I just wanted to go to the garden which I did say to him,so I can breath a bit and I can be calm for us again, this is what you suggested me to do whenever I feel like going beserk) and he kept saying that I am pushy and that I cant stop talking when I should and thats why it came out. Still no apology. I told him if I dont go outside, I wont be nice. He still told me to not do it because I have work tomorrow. And I was right, I started feeling so anxious that I threw MY stuff across the room. I tried to convince him it wouldnt end well if he just couldnt admit he had gone too far and if he couldnt stop talking, it would have just escalated more, but he still felt like I am the one in the wrong. I was at the beginning, when I saw he doesnt feel like there is a problem with his way of explaining, I should have just shut the f up. But after that, I feel like I was not in the wrong. 

You are talking way too much.  It's driving him crazy.   Instead of trying to be the boss of his words, how about you start to quietly observe his patterns and learn from that? 

 

Here's how this situation would have gone down in my house (I will alter it a bit and make it so that we are still getting to know each other).

Basil "I've been missing you, could you come and cuddle me?"

Partner:  "If I cuddle you, I can't do my gaming"

Basil: (I feel cross but say nothing)  I think to myself: I may as well not have a partner for all the time he gives me.  I could be better off single.

Partner: Arrives a short time later for a cuddle

Basil: Oh, hello you.  Thanks for coming to be with me.  Snuggles into partner  (Think to myself: that turned out way better than I thought. I should not have doubted him) 

[brokenbird]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

You are talking way too much.  It's driving him crazy.   Instead of trying to be the boss of his words, how about you start to quietly observe his patterns and learn from that? 

 

Here's how this situation would have gone down in my house (I will alter it a bit and make it so that we are still getting to know each other).

Basil "I've been missing you, could you come and cuddle me?"

Partner:  "If I cuddle you, I can't do my gaming"

Basil: (I feel cross but say nothing)  I think to myself: I may as well not have a partner for all the time he gives me.  I could be better off single.

Partner: Arrives a short time later for a cuddle

Basil: Oh, hello you.  Thanks for coming to be with me.  Snuggles into partner  (Think to myself: that turned out way better than I thought. I should not have doubted him) 

Haha, you are right. I had time to think and I see where I went wrong, but I cant justify him telling me to shut the f up. What's worse is that we had a talk and he said he 'has to make a great effort to not do namecalling or say nasty stuff when I get on his nerves, so he wouldnt promise but he would try, but it is hard because he feels like his head will explode' As the conversation progressed, he said he wants to quit saying nasty stuff. He admitted that he said something that required me to be a mindreader and he understood that I just wanted to clear things and did nothing wrong with it, but the amount of talking was unbearable for him. I know he doesnt want to be purposefully mean, because these things stop at one. What I mean is that he says something bad and throughout the whole affair , he doesnt do it again. In this case , it was shut the f up and he didn't say any unneccesarily mean things again.

[basil67]

You're right that he shouldn't have told you to shut the F up.  That said, you should have stopped talking waaaay before his head was ready to explode.   You were both wrong

Stop.  Be quiet. Observe

Edited April 20 by basil67

[brokenbird]

Just now, basil67 said:

You're right that he shouldn't have told you to shut the F up.  That said, you should have stopped talking waaaay before his head was ready to explode.   You were both wrong

Stop.  Be quiet. Observe

Now I know and will definitely live by that, but I dont know if I can get over his words. I really meant that we were happy, even if others feel like that is not true. I knew we were serious when he said he wants to propose this year. 2 days ago I was 100% sure and now I am not and yes, just because of this. I want to be respectful and be respected

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I tried to regulate myself by going for fresh air but he didn't let me.

 

9 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I stepped out of that convo because it was obvious he just wanted to argue, but he continued texting to the point where he was mean even when I arrived home.

If you don’t mind me asking, how did he “not let you” leave to go for a walk? That, to me, is a good strategy for you - removing yourself from the situation allows you to self regulate. He needs to respect that - and if he doesn’t, that is a HUGE red flag that you should not ignore. 

As someone said above, this relationship sounds like it’s a struggle. Is there happiness, joy, and peace in this relationship? Because that, is what a healthy relationship looks and feels like - a safe place, where you are accepted and you accept your partner. There is love, kindness, understanding, affection… you genuinely enjoy spending time together. Sure, there is occasionally conflict and disagreement in every relationship but the relationship generally meets your needs and is harmonious. 

Edited April 20 by BaileyB

[basil67]

30 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

Now I know and will definitely live by that, but I dont know if I can get over his words. I really meant that we were happy, even if others feel like that is not true. I knew we were serious when he said he wants to propose this year. 2 days ago I was 100% sure and now I am not and yes, just because of this. I want to be respectful and be respected

And I'm sure he wants to be respected too.   Disagreement and discussion of it ceases to be respectful when it becomes relentless and continues even though the other party needs it to stop.

Edited April 20 by basil67

[basil67]

12 hours ago, brokenbird said:

Also, he can be the pushy one. There was a time when he got mad at me because he planned a vacation without me knowing and I texted him I planned something. I told him I had no idea he planned a vacay that week, but suggested that if one of them had to be cancelled, it should be the one he chose because that was too expensive. He got even more mad because his connections would be ruined since the vacation would have happened through a relative. I stepped out of that convo because it was obvious he just wanted to argue

I just saw this.   First of all, it was sweet of both of you to make a surprise holiday.  But when there are two of you, it's really important to clear the date without making plans.  You don't have to disclose the activity, but you do need to book a slot in the diary.  This was a fail in both of your plans.

He was right to be pushy because you were making a unilateral decision and didn't give him a voice in the decision.  The problem should have been solved by both of you working together to figure out the pros and cons of each holiday including the duration, location, season, and the costs/complexities of cancellation.  

If he is reconsidering marriage, he is wise.  This is the kind of thing that the two of you should be able to figure out without having a fight.

[NuevoYorko]

10 hours ago, brokenbird said:

Yup. He just texted me saying that he talks like that because I get him mad. Fun excuse

Are you two having a texting argument going on at the same time you're writing about him here?

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, brokenbird said:

Now I know and will definitely live by that, but I dont know if I can get over his words. I really meant that we were happy, even if others feel like that is not true. I knew we were serious when he said he wants to propose this year. 2 days ago I was 100% sure and now I am not and yes, just because of this. I want to be respectful and be respected

If you really can’t get over him telling you to shut up one time and then apologizing for that, then I don’t think you should consider marrying him now. 

You simply won’t survive the crises of a serious long-term relationship if you keep holding grudges like this.

Or, you could find a person who is always polite to you and smiling, regardless of how they feel inside. I really don’t recommend that.

In general, it appears to me that your relationship is still at an immature stage.

So you both acted stupidly and got annoyed over nothing. Why keep dwelling on that now? Apologize to each other, get over it, and start working each on their own issues.

Try to think more about what you did wrong, rather than get fixated on what he did wrong.

[ExpatInItaly]

This is what a dying relationship looks like. 

Another year or two and it will be done. He is getting tired of this and it shows. Sadly, you will likely be shocked when he finally ends it, but that's where this is heading. 

[brokenbird]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

So you both acted stupidly and got annoyed over nothing. Why keep dwelling on that now? Apologize to each other, get over it, and start working each on their own issues.

It is not the shut the f up in itself that is too hurtful. Its the fact that he said he has to make a great effort to not cuss me out when that point arrives. I know he talks to me in a gentle way on a daily basis, but that one time when it arrives...

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, brokenbird said:

It is not the shut the f up in itself that is too hurtful. Its the fact that he said he has to make a great effort to not cuss me out when that point arrives. I know he talks to me in a gentle way on a daily basis, but that one time when it arrives...

He's making the effort & you're still miffed.  That is so not fair.  He's trying.  You have to give him some credit for the effort.  Lots of people have an inner voice that they want to scream at somebody who is annoying them.  The mature ones keep it bottled up.  That doesn't mean they don't have the urge.  It's unfair of you to want him to be perfect all the time.  Nobody is.  People get frustrated especially when those closest to them push all their buttons like you do with this guy.  Unlike him you aren't trying to deescalate things.  

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, brokenbird said:

It is not the shut the f up in itself that is too hurtful. Its the fact that he said he has to make a great effort to not cuss me out when that point arrives. I know he talks to me in a gentle way on a daily basis, but that one time when it arrives...

Well then, try to behave in such a way that he doesn’t need to make such a great effort. Loosen your control, let him breathe.